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Psychology of Marriage > The Building Blocks of Relationships > Flashcards

The Building Blocks of Relationships Flashcards

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1
Q

We all have the need for…

A

-Community
-Camaraderie
-Companionship

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2
Q

What are the Seven Components of Intimacy?

A

Knowledge, interdependence, caring, trust, responsiveness, mutuality, commitment.

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3
Q

Why have our cultural norms changed?

A

-Increasing socioeconomic development; people have more choices in affluent cultures.
-Increasing individualism:
Pursuit of personal fulfillment.
Ties to one’s family and social groups are stronger in Eastern cultures, and divorce rates are much lower.

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4
Q

What are the two underlying themes of the 4 attachment styles?

A

-Anxiety about abandonment: the worry that others will find us unworthy and leave us.
-Avoidance of intimacy: the ease and trust with which we accept interdependent intimacy with others.

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5
Q

What are the Big Five Personality Traits?

A

-Agreeableness: cooperative and trusting.
-Extraversion: outgoing and sociable.
-Conscientiousness: dutiful and dependable.
-Negative Emotionality: anxious and angry.
-Open-mindedness: imaginative and unconventional.

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6
Q

What are the 6 Predictors of Divorce?

A
  1. Harsh start-up
  2. The Four Horsemen
  3. Flooding
  4. Body language
  5. Failed repair attempts
  6. Bad memories
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7
Q

What are the Four Horsemen?

A

a. Criticism
b. Contempt
c. Defensiveness
d. Stonewalling

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8
Q

Criticism (Four Horsemen)

A

I. The act of finding fault.
II. It has the intent of making yourself right and making your partner wrong.
III. Troublesome criticism includes judging your partner’s character.
IIII. An attack based on feelings not intellect vs specific issues.

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9
Q

Contempt (Four Horsemen)

A
  1. It shows up in disrespectful words and body language.
  2. Negative comments include insults, name-calling, caustic humor, sarcasm, or mockery.
  3. Contemptuous body language includes sneering and eye rolling.
  4. When communicating in this state, we become truly mean.
  5. We treat others with…
    a. Disrespect
    b. Mock them with sarcasm
    c. Ridicule
    d. Call them names
    e. Mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing.
  6. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.
  7. Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority.
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10
Q

Defensiveness (Four Horsemen)

A
  • Positioning yourself as the victim of an attack.
  • When partners are defensive and do not take responsibility for their part of the conflict, they are not open to change.
  • They also are not able to access their underlying and vulnerable feelings.
  • Typically, a response to criticism.
  • Omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks.
  • When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.

Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.

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11
Q

Stonewalling (Four Horsemen)

A
  • Withdrawing from the relationship to avoid conflict.
  • You may think you are acting in a neutral way. But when you withdraw, you convey disapproval, distance, and/or smugness.
    a. Usually a response to contempt.
    b. Occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner.
    c. Evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy.
    d. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out”, but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit.
    e. Unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and even when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.
    Flooding
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12
Q

What are the 7 Principles?

A

Principle 1: Share love maps
Principle 2: Nurture your fondness and admiration
Principle 3: Turn towards each other
Principle 4: Let your partner influence you
Principle 5: Solve your solvable problems
Principle 6: Overcome gridlock
Principle 7: Create shared meaning

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13
Q

Principle 1: Share Love Maps

A

Love maps are the part of the brain where you store relevant information about your partner:
- Their likes and dislikes
- Their hopes and dreams
- Their triumphs and trauma

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14
Q

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

A

This means expressing appreciation, acknowledgement, pride, care, admiration, and adoration.
- This is the basis of friendship in a relationship
- According to Gottman, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting relationship.”

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15
Q

Principle 3: Turn Towards Each Other

A

This means being, sharing, and doing with one another. Build-in everyday activities together.
- In a relationship, each partner makes “bids” for attention, affection, humor, or support.
- We can respond by turning towards those bids or turning away.
- According to Gottman, “Turning towards is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.”
- By turning towards, we establish what Gottman calls “the Emotional Bank Account,” putting good will in the bank for a rainy day.

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16
Q

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

A
  • To have influence in a relationship, you must be willing to be influenced and to share power.
  • Gottman focuses on men who continue to expect traditional sex roles to be adhered to. He encourages men to engage in family life, better adapt to our culture of equality, and allow themselves to be influenced by their wives.
  • According to Gottman’s research, “When a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent probability that his marriage will self-destruct.”
17
Q

Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

A

This means to have respectful conversations about your complaints using plain good manners. Gottman provides guidelines to a soft and soothing approach to addressing problems. He also provides guidance for classic problems such as in-laws, money, sex, housework, and parenting.

Two Kinds of Marital Conflict:
- Every relationship is a union between two individuals with their own opinions, personality, quirks, and values.
*Solvable Problems
*Perpetual Problems

18
Q

Solvable Problems: 5 Step Model

A

1) Soften your startup
2) Learn to make and receive “repair attempts.”
3) Soothe yourself and each other
4) Compromise (cooperate)
5) Be tolerant of each other’s faults

19
Q

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

A

Gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that your partner isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect.
*You don’t have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. Neither of you has to “give in” or “lose.” The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.

20
Q

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

A

Dr. John Gottman suggests that couples create shared meaning through the use of rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. As you begin your life together, it will be important and fun to establish these things as a way to give purpose and meaning to your relationship.

21
Q

What are the “Four Pillars of Shared Meaning”?

A

1) Rituals of connection
2) Support for each other’s roles
3) Shared goals
4) Shared values and symbols

22
Q

(Triangle of Love): What are the 3 components of love?

A

1) Intimacy
2) Passion
3) Commitment

23
Q

3 Components of Love: Intimacy

A

Involves feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bonded-ness.

24
Q

3 Components of Love: Passion

A

Involves feelings and desires that lead to physical attraction, romance, and sexual consummation.

25
Q

3 Components of Love: Commitment

A

Involves feelings that lead a person to remain with someone and move towards shared goals.

26
Q

Differentiation of Self

A

-Solid self
-Stable under stress
-Can make “I” statements
-Has non-anxious presence

27
Q

One’s maturity level is determined by three traits…

A
  • One’s own parents’ level of solid self
  • One’s current/past/present relationship with parents
  • One’s emotional detachment as they left home

Psychology of Marriage (1 decks)

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