Sexual Consent

Question 1

What is consent?

Answer 1

Consent is the voluntary affirmation that someone agrees with what is happening and wants to be participating.

Question 2

Does not saying “no” mean that consent is given?

Answer 2

The absence of “no” doesn’t imply consent.

Sexual exploration requires a lot of attention to all participant’s needs and desires, and is an ongoing conversation.

Question 3

Describe how consent should be mutual.

Answer 3

Everyone wants what is happening to be happening.

No one feels pressured or coerced.

Consent is about respecting someone else’s desires and needs as well as your own.

Question 4

Describe how consent should be continuous.

Answer 4

Asking for consent every step of the way is a manner to communicate with your partner and ensure an enjoyable experience.

This is especially important if you’re changing what you’re doing.

Question 5

Describe how consent should be active.

Answer 5

The person initiating an act (i.e., going to kiss someone, etc.) should always be continuously checking in for consent.

We should not assume the other person is okay with something.

Question 6

Describe how consent should be clear.

Answer 6

If the verbal and non-verbal cues of your partner are ambiguous then there is a good chance you need to check in with your partner verbally to ensure you’re reading signs correctly.

Question 7

What are non-verbal cues that may indicate non-consent or hesitation (good time to check in)?

Answer 7

• Avoiding eye contact
• Glassy or wide eyes
• Stalling
• Changing the topic
• Nervous laughter
• Frozen or not moving
• Rolling over or wiggling away
• Shrugs
• Silence
• Etc.

Question 8

What are verbal affirmations that indicate consent?

Answer 8

• An excited “Yes” to what is being proposed.
• “I want you to…”
• “That feels good”
• “I feel good about this”
• “That sounds great”
• “Can you please do”
• Etc.

Question 9

What are non-verbal affirmations that indicate consent?

Answer 9

• Sounds of enjoyment
• Pulling someone closer
• Being actively engaged physically
• Etc.

Question 10

When do you talk about consent?

Answer 10

Before, during and after sexual activities are all appropriate times to talk about consent.

Question 11

How should someone initiate sexual contact?

Answer 11

Before initiating anything sexual with someone, ask and wait for an answer.

This may seem awkward at first, but after a while it does become a natural and sensual part of communicating with people you’re hooking up with.

Question 12

Give examples of how “initiating” looks like.

Answer 12

• Can I kiss you?
• Can I touch you “…”?
• Can I send you a sexy photo?
• Can I hold your hand?
• Where do you like to be touched?
• How do you like to be touched?
• What kind of things are you comfortable doing?
• What do you feel not ready for?

Question 13

Give examples of how “checking in” looks like.

Answer 13

A great way to check-in is by verbally asking things like:

• Does this feel good?
• What would you like to do next?
• Want me to keep going?
• Do you want to try something else?
• How are you feeling?
• I would like to do …, how does that sound?
• I would like you to do …, how do you feel about that?

Question 14

Give examples of how “stop and ask” looks like.

Answer 14

If the person seems to no longer be enjoying themselves or seems uncomfortable, stop and ask how they are doing.

Question 15

Describe what “Watch, listen and respect” looks like.

Answer 15

If there is any hesitation, or they want to stop, respect their decision.

Do not pressure them or try to convince them to keep going.

Question 16

Checking-in afterwards

Answer 16

It may not come naturally at first, but a great way to make sure everyone is still feeling good is to talk about whatever you did afterwards.

It can be as simple as asking:

“How was that for you?”
“Is there anything you would have liked to be different?”

Question 17

How to deal with rejection?

Answer 17

It can be difficult to feel rejected if someone wanted something else. Remember that everyone’s comfort levels will be different.

What’s important is to listen to a person’s words, body language, and actions, and then respect what they are saying.

Question 18

How does being on different levels of intoxication affect consent?

Answer 18

Neither person communicates in a way that the other fully understands.

This can lead to misunderstandings, which can lead to someone being violated.

Question 19

How does intoxication affect our reading of non-verbal cues?

Answer 19

Drinking lowers our ability to pick up on body cues, meaning someone may be crossing their arms and withdrawing (i.e., saying no non-verbally).

We may not notice and proceed despite not having consent.

Question 20

How does personal capacity for intoxication affect consent?

Answer 20

Everyone has different limits for drugs and alcohol, and those are not always clear to the people they are partying with.

For one person, one beer may be the limit to being able to consent to sex, whereas five might be the max for someone else.

Question 21

Does this mean that all intoxicated sex is non-consensual?

Answer 21

No.

Not all sex while intoxicated is sexual assault, but mixing intoxication and sex increases the chances of boundaries being crossed and people feeling violated.

Question 22

Tips on how to assess if someone can give consent when intoxicated.

Answer 22

• Can this person clearly talk about consent and what they would like to do with you?
• Are they slumping, not walking straight, or closing their eyes?
• Is there an imbalance regarding of one you being more drunk than the other?
• Is the person passed out or sleeping?

Question 23

Can someone who’s unconscious or sleeping give consent?

Answer 23

No.

Engaging sexually with someone who’s sleeping or unconscious is automatically considered sexual assault.