Premise of Book Flashcards
What is the premise of Dr. Kristen Neff’s Self-Compassion?
Premise of Book: “Current State of Affairs”
* The state of society & our current emotional habits
* * Uber competitive society → pressure: be more beautiful, smarter, successful than others →
* * * If we buy into this…Inflate our ego, put others down so we feel good.
* * This is a problem → Holds us back from our potential → We begin distorting the reality of our interactions (i.e., the fault is not my own, I don’t fully acknowledge my weaknesses)
* * There must be another way…
- The self esteem movement: “Opting out of the self-esteem game”
- The problem with self esteem → it is not a very healthy way of relating to the self
- “Contingent self-worth” → if we believe that others judge us positively, we’ll feel good about ourselves. If we believe that others judge us negatively, we’ll feel bad about ourselves.
- “Self compassion was clearly associated with steadier and more constant feelings of self-worth than self-esteem.”
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
What are the 3 compontents of self-compassion? Briefly describe each of them and their counterparts?
1) Self kindness (that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves) vs Self-Judgment (rather than harshly critical and judgmental)
2) Common humanity (feeling connected with others in the experience of life, especially through our suffering) vs Isolation (rather than feeling alienated and isolated by our suffering)
3) Mindfulness (that we hold our experience in balanced awareness) vs. Over-identification (rather than exaggerating our pain and over identifying with it)
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
Elaboration on Self-Kindness versus Self-Criticism
- Treating ourselves with kindness and caring concern, not contempt.
2 Step process
1) Stop condemning ourselves - Means that we stop the constant self-judgment and disparaging internal commentary that most of us have come to see as normal.
2) Pausing, reflecting/understanding our pain, and actively comforting - It involves actively comforting ourselves, responding just as we would a dear friend in need. - It means we allow ourselves to be emotionally moved by our own pain, stopping to say, “This is really difficult right now. How can I care for and comfort myself in this moment?”
- We make a peace offering of warmth, gentleness, and sympathy from ourselves to ourselves, so that true healing can occur.
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
Personal story of Neff
- Got really upset about comments someone was making about her – making negative assumptions about her honesty and integrity.
- Started thinking of “pay back scenarios” – publicly proving her wrong, shaming her back
- But the mental movies in her head were only making her feel worse, causing her to relieve the pain over and over again.
- Then I remembered. What I need to do is give myself compassion for how difficult the situation is. I gently stroked my arms and spoke to myself in kind, sympathetic tones. Poor darling. This is really hard right now. I comforted myself for the pain of being treated so unfairly.
- This is what I actually need at the moment. Rather than merely venting my anger, I needed to feel loved and understood, to be seen for who I really was.
- The moment I changed my approach, I felt my mood start to lift. I stopped obsessing about payback scenarios and instead realized that this person’s negativity had nothing to do with me; it was her own issue.
- Choosing to relate to ourselves with kindness rather than contempt is highly pragmatic.
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
What are the four simple questions at the center of more sympathetic inner dialogues (n.b., this is from Marshall Rosenber’s Nonviolent Communication)? Also please give an example where you apply these questions.
- One of the most important ways we can be kind to ourselves involves changing our critical self-talk. Marshall Rosenberg, author of the bestselling book Nonviolent Communication, stresses the importance of using sympathetic rather than judgmental language when we talk to ourselves.
- He argues that to be at peace with ourselves, we should frame our inner dialogues so that they express empathy for our basic human needs.
- Rosenberg’s suggested method for doing so involves asking four simple questions:
1) What am I observing?
2) What am I feeling?
3) What am I needing right now?
4) Do I have a request of myself or someone else? - Example: you’re working from home, take a break to make yourself some tea. You walk into the kitchen and see dirty dishes piled up a mile high in your sink.
1) What am I observing? Notifice if your self-talk is critical or judgmental. Are you saying things like “I’m such a hopeless slob”
2) What am I feeling? Are you feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, irritated with yourself or the situation?
3) What am I needing right now? Perhaps you’re frustrated because you know you need a sense of order to deal with the pressing demands of your work, and that the chaos in the kitchen is hindering you.
4) Do I have a request of myself or someone else? Perhaps you can ask your best friend to lend a hand until Your work deadline passes.
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
Self-kindness study - chronic acne suffers
- Study of chronic acne sufferers - as people with chronic acne are often depressed, experience intense shame and self-judgment.
- For this reason, the researchers held a two-week intervention in which participants were taught how to soothe the negative emotions and self-criticism associated with acne.
- Participants were told, there is an inner critic inside of each of us that can say mean and negative things about ourselves in a hostile way.
- Participants were also told that we also have an ‘inner soother’ (a compassionate part within us) that has the ability to soothe ourselves by saying accepting things in a warm compassionate way.
- Participants were then given a series of exercises designed to help them self-soothe:
- They were instructed to write five compassionate phrases on cue cards, such as “I feel upset about my acne and it’s okay to feel this way” or “I would be accepting of a friend in my position. I want to be this way to myself too.”
- They were also taught how to challenge and confront their inner critic. They were asked to write five additional phrases on cue cards, such as “It’s not true that people will reject me just because I have acne’’ and “I have the inner strength to fight my distress and my role in creating it.”
- Participants were then instructed to read the cue cards three times a day over the course of the next two weeks, as well as doing exercises like writing a compassionate letter to themselves.
- Result: it was found that the intervention significantly lessened people’s feelings of depression and shame due to their acne.
- Interestingly, it also lessened the degree to which their acne bothered them physically, reducing sensations of burning and stinging.
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
Extra tip on how to soften critical voice
- Although it’s important for us to see our psychological patterns clearly, it’s equally important that we do not judge ourselves for them.
- Just as hate cannot conquer hate–but only strengthens and reinforces it - self-judgment can’t stop self-judgment.
- The best way to counteract self-criticism, therefore, is to understand it, have compassion for it, and then replace it with a kinder response. By letting ourselves be moved by the suffering we have experienced at the hands of our own self-criticism, we strengthen our desire to heal.
- Make an effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re such a bitch” to your inner critic).
- Say something like: “I know you’re trying to keep me safe, and to point out ways that I need to improve, but your harsh criticism and judgment is not helping at all. Please stop being so critical, you are cousin me unnecessary pain”
- It might help to use a term of endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care, but only if it feels natural rather than schmaltzy.
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
3 Self-kindness activities that she recommends Part 1.1
Hugging Practice
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
3 Self-kindness activities that she recommends Part 1.2
Hugging Practice
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
3 Self-kindness activities that she recommends Part 2.1
Self-compassion letter
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
3 Self-kindness activities that she recommends Part 2.2
Self-compassionate letter
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
3 Self-kindness activities that she recommends Part 3.1
The Criticized, the criticizer, and the compassionate observer
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
3 Self-kindness activities that she recommends Part 3.2
The Criticized, the criticizer, and the compassionate observer
SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-CONTEMPT
3 Self-kindness activities that she recommends Part 3.3
The Criticized, the criticizer, and the compassionate observer
COMMON HUMANITY VERSUS ISOLATION
Elaboration on Common Humanity vs. Isolation
- THE SECOND FUNDAMENTAL ELEMENT OF SELF COMPASSION IS RECOGNITION of the common human experience.
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Knee-jerk reaction before shame and inadequacy: That is, most people don’t focus on what they have in common with others, especially when they feel ashamed or inadequate. Rather than framing their imperfection in light of the shared human experience, they’re more likely to feel isolated and disconnected from the world around them when they fail.
a. When we focus on our shortcomings without taking the bigger human picture into account, our perspective tends to narrow. - When we’re in touch with our common humanity, we remember that ** feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are shared by all.
a. We often become *scared and angry when we focus on undesired aspects of ourselves or our lives. We feel *helpless and frustrated by our inability to control things—to get what we want, to be who we want to be. Every single human is in the same boat.
