People Skills Flashcards

1
Q

3 Categories of Roadblocks

A

Judging, Sending Solutions, Avoiding the Other’s Concerns

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2
Q

12 Roadblocks (Dirty Dozen)

A

criticizing, name calling, diagnosing, praising
order, threatening, excessive or inappropriate questioning, moralizing, advising
diverting, logical argument, reassuring

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3
Q

Hearing vs Listening

Definition by Professor John Drakeford

A

Hearing is a word used to describe the physiological sensory processes by which auditory sensations are received by the ears and transmitted to the brain;

Listening is more complex psychological procedure involving interpreting and understanding the significance of the sensory experience.

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4
Q

Listening Skill Clusters

A

Attending Skills, Following Skills, Reflecting Skills

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5
Q

Attending Skills

A

A posture of involvement
Appropriate Body motion
eye contact
nondistracting environment

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6
Q

Following Skills

A

door openers
minimal encourages
infrequent questions
attentive silence

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7
Q

Reflecting Skills

A

paraphrasing
reflecting feelings
reflecting meanings (Tying Feelings to Content)
Summative reflections

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8
Q

Posture of involvement

A

-Inclining one’s body toward the speaker communicates more energy attention
-Facing the other squarely, your right shoulder to the other’s left shoulder, helps communicate your involvement.
-Not sitting while the other is standing. Maintaining an open position with arms and legs uncrossed is another important part of the posture of involvement.
-Tightly crossed arms or legs often communicate closedness and defensiveness.
-Positioning yourself at an appropriate distance from the speaker is an important aspect of attending
too much distance impedes communication.
-Too close creates anxiety
long periods of distance or closeness can cause discomfort
-3ft is comfortable in USA

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9
Q

Appropriate body motion

A

stillness is seen as controlled, cold, aloof, and reserved
active (body motion not in a nervous way) is experienced as friendly, warm, casual, and as not acting in a role
synchronize with the speaker avoid distracting motions and gestures

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10
Q

Eye Contact

A

Effective eye contact expresses interest and a desire to listen it involves focusing one’s eyes softly on the speaker and occasionally shifting the gaze from his face to other parts of the body, to a gesturing hand, for example, and then back to the face and then to eye contact once again.
poor eye contact occurs when a listener repeatedly looks away from the speaker, stares at him constantly or blankly, or looks away as soon as the speaker looks at the listener.
enables the speaker to appraise your receptiveness to him and the speaker

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11
Q

Non-distracting enviroment

A

without significant physical barriers between people and one that is inviting rather than ugly increases communication

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12
Q

Physical Attention

A

presence psychologically by physically attending

be truly present

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13
Q

Door Openers

A

noncoercive invitation to talk
use instead of roadblocks
Four elements to Door openers
A description of the other person’s body language. “Your face is beaming today.” “ You look like you are not feeling up to par.”
An invitation to talk or to continue talking.
Silence-giving the other person time to decide whether to talk and/or what he wants to say.
attending-eye contact and a posture of involvement that demonstrates your interest in and concern for the other person.
Not all four elements are necessarily present in every door opener
A person sending door openers needs an awareness of and a respect for the other person’s probable feeling of ambivalence
one way to deal with ambivalence is to recognize and reflect back to the speaker how difficult it is to talk about painful experiences
another way to deal with ambivalence is to make sure your door opener is an invitation rather than a directive to talk.

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14
Q

First Decentralized Principle

+ example

A

When attacked, a decentralized organization tends to become even more open and decentralized

EXAMPLE: MGM (Verelli) suing Napster (Sean), Kazaa, emule
Apaches and Cortez (Spanish)

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15
Q

Second Decentralized Principle

+ example

A

It’s easy to mistake starfish for spiders

EXAMPLE: ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Bill Wilson)
Completely decentralized
LABOR DAY HURRICANE OF 1935 (Ed Sheeran)
Too centralized

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16
Q

Third Decentralized Principle

+ example

A

An open system doesn’t have central intelligence, the intelligence is spread throughout the system

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17
Q

Fourth Decentralized Principle

+ example

A

Open systems can easily mutate

EXAMPLE: AA mutating from alcoholics to overeaters to narcotics, etc.

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18
Q

Fifth Decentralized Principle

+ example

A

The decentralized organization sneaks up on you

EXAMPLE: people always saw doctors for alcoholism, then AA became very quickly accepted

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19
Q

The accordion principle

+ example

A

over time, industries go back and forth from being centralized to decentralized and back again

EXAMPLE: music industry - individual artists (decentralized) > independent labels > big 5 (centralized) > napster > p2p (decentralized)

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20
Q

Sixth Decentralized Principle

+ example

A

As industries become decentralized, overall profits decrease

EXAMPLE: P2P takes over music industry, record labels profits disappear

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21
Q

DIFFERENTIATING STARFISH FROM SPIDERS QUESTIONS

A

Is there a person in charge?
Are there headquarters?
If you thump it on the head, will it die?
Is there a clear division of roles?
If you take out a unit, is the org harmed?
Are knowledge & power concentrated or distributed?
Is the org flexible or rigid?
Can you count the employees or participants?
Are working groups funded by the org, or are they self-funding?
Do working groups communicate directly or through intermediaries?

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22
Q

Skype and how it affected phone companies

A

BEFORE SKYPE:
Phone companies could charge whatever they wanted because you had to use their lines to make a call, everything through operator
operator would check directory for person you’re trying to reach
AFTER SKYPE:
No central server, no operator, no telephone line, just download Skype and talk to people directly
each user hosted tiny portion of overall directory on their computer
profits of big phone companies like att declined

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23
Q

Craigslist decentralized concepts

A

Craigslist
Users run the site - users post, users flag inappropriate posts, user-controlled
Open system about the users, not the leadership
What matters isn’t CEO, but if leadership trusts enough to leave users alone
users don’t care whether they are interacting w/ spider or starfish, they are happy as long as they are free to do whatever they want
Craigslist has caused traditional newspaper profits to decline

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24
Q

Apache Software Decentralized concepts

A

Engineers could add their own patches, completely open source, if patches were good and improved user experience they would be added in

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25
Q

Wikipedia Decentralized Concepts

A

Online encyclopedia, anyone can edit, anyone can add content
if users vandalize pages, other users will clean it up, community-feel

Seventh Principle of Decentralized

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26
Q

Seventh Decentralized Principle

+ example

A

Put people into an open system and they’ll automatically want to contribute

EXAMPLE: Wikipedia

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27
Q

Burning Man Decentralized Concepts

A

almost no rules, wear a costume, ok, go naked, ok
based on a gift economy, nothing costs money
people provide things not because they expect anything, but because they want to contribute to the community

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28
Q

5 Legs of Decentralized Organizations

A
LEG ONE - CIRCLES
LEG TWO - THE CATALYST
LEG THREE - IDEOLOGY
LEG FOUR - THE PREEXISTING NETWORK
LEG FIVE - THE CHAMPION
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29
Q

Example of 5 legs in action

A

Women’s rights:
Stanton was the catalyst
Susan B Anthony was the champion - dedicated her life to it
Ideology - women should have right to vote
Created circles by talking to other women
Tapped into pre-existing Quaker network

30
Q

LEG ONE - CIRCLES

A

Examples of circles: AA groups, craigslist metros, apache groups
Qualities of circles:
once you join, you’re an equal and contribute
circles can have nearly any number of participants now
pros: easy to join, more diversity
cons: people more anonymous, bonds break, destruction
physical circles have more connection than virtual circles
no hierarchy in circles, so it’s hard to maintain rules and nobody has power to enforce them, so members conform to norms

31
Q

LEG TWO - THE CATALYST

A

he person who initiates a circle then fades into the background, e.g. Bill Wilson, the Apache Nant’An
Qualities of a catalyst:
lead by example, but don’t force their views upon others
in letting go of leadership role, catalyst transfers ownership of responsibility to those in the circle and moves on
develops an idea, shares it w/ others, and leads by example

32
Q

LEG THREE - IDEOLOGY

A

Ideology is the glue that holds decentralized orgs together
Examples:
Apaches: believed they belonged to the land and deserved to be self governing. those who disagreed went w/ spaniards
AA: belief that people can help each other out of addiction. people who don’t believe don’t go to AA
Starfish orgs spawned from internet may have less meaningful ideologies
Examples: craigslist, wikipedia, emule
Ideology that music should be free, nobody would devote life to

33
Q

LEG FOUR - THE PREEXISTING NETWORK

A

close knit group + shared values + everyone equal = decentralization
almost every big decentralized org launched from pre existing platform
example: AA drew upon Oxford Group, Christian movement
Centralized orgs not the best pre existing network, why not?
if orders come from top, members may follow, but they won’t be inspired to give it their all
leaders want to control which limits creativity
centralized orgs aren’t set up to launch decentralized movements
decentralized networks have circles, empowered membership, and higher tolerance for innovation

34
Q

LEG FIVE - THE CHAMPION

A

catalyst is the visionary, and champion is the implementer
champions are more like salespeople than organizers/connectors
Example: Sharp catalyzed the abolitionist movement in England, but Clarkson devoted his life to it starting groups everywhere he went

35
Q

The Catalyst’s Tools

A
Genuine Interest in Others
Loose Connections
Mapping
Desire to Help
Passion
Meet People Where They Are
Emotional Intelligence
Trust
Inspiration
Tolerance for Ambiguity
Hands-Off Approach
Receding
36
Q

The Catalyst vs. the CEO

A

catalysts are better at being agents of change rather than guardians of tradition
catalysts do well in situations requiring radical change & creative thinking

CEO
The boss
Command-and-control
Rational
Powerful
Directive
In the Spotlight
Order
Organizing
Catalyst
A peer
Trust
Emotional Intelligence
Inspirational
Collaborative
Behind the scenes
Ambiguity
Connecting
37
Q

Genuine Interest in Others (Catalyst Tool)

A

When we feel most understood, we are most open to something new and willing to make a change, more likely to follow through with someone who is genuinely interested in you

38
Q

Loose Connections (Catalyst Tool)

A

catalysts have many loose relationships, allows them to make connections between individuals who would otherwise never meet

39
Q

Mapping (Catalyst Tool)

A

catalysts dont just know more people, but they know how they fit within their network, and think about who in their network could advocate for an idea, make new connections and new circles constantly

40
Q

Desire to Help (Catalyst Tool)

A

willingness to help drives catalyst’s ability to connect people, people wouldnt respond to catalyst if they thought the catalyst was only into themselves, relationships are a two-way not a one-way street

41
Q

Passion (Catalyst Tool)

A

needs strong ideology to motivate participants since decentralized org is not using command-and-control strategy

42
Q

Meet People Where They Are (Catalyst Tool)

A

catalysts dont try to persuade people, doesn’t throw solutions at you or tell you the best thing to do, but they listen to you and see you as a peer, people follow catalysts because they understand, not because you must

43
Q

Emotional Intelligence (Catalyst Tool)

A

emotional connection first, then strategy, emotional connections weaved into fabric of org

44
Q

Trust (Catalyst Tool)

A

catalyst must trust network, cannot control actions or outcomes

45
Q

Inspiration (Catalyst Tool)

A

catalyst inspires ppl to work towards goals that dont involve personal gain

46
Q

Tolerance for Ambiguity (Catalyst Tool)

A

catalysts are not stupid but they do not know concrete answers to many questions because decentralized orgs are so fluid, eg. how many employees do you have? who runs your server?
no way to know in open org who is doing what, where, when
many people find chaos to be unsettling, but catalyst is ok w/ ambiguous

47
Q

Hands-Off Approach (Catalyst Tool)

A

if catalysts hovered and got in the way, members wouldn’t be motivated
members are less innovative and less likely to risk-take when monitored

48
Q

Receding (Catalyst Tool)

A

catalysts leave to let open org grow, not all about the catalyst

49
Q

Painting Outside the Lines

A
Life is an Improvisation
There is no script for life.
A good Improviser is:
someone who is awake/alert
not entirely self-focused
moved by a desire to do something useful & give something back
50
Q

The 6 Maxims of Improv

A
First Maxim: Say Yes
Second Maxim: Don't Prepare
Third Maxim: Just Show Up
Fourth Maxim: Start Anywhere
Fifth Maxim: Be Average
Sixth Maxim: Pay Attention
51
Q

First Maxim: Say Yes

A
Just say yes
Become a “can-do” person
Look for the positive spin, for what is right.
Agree with those around you.
Cultivate yes phrases
“You bet.” “You’re right.” “I’m with you.” “Good idea.”
Substitute “yes and” for “yes but”
Add something to build the conversation.
Exercise the yes muscle.
This builds optimism and hope.
52
Q

Second Maxim: Don’t Prepare

A

Give up planning.
Drop the habit of thinking ahead.
Attend carefully to what is happening right now.
Allow yourself to be surprised.
Stockpiling ideas for future use is unnecessary.
Trust your imagination.
There is always something inside the box.
Welcome whatever floats into your mind.
Fear is a matter of misplaced attention.
Focus on redirecting your attention to your surroundings rather than yourself.

53
Q

Third Maxim: Just Show Up

A

Walk, run, bike,skip to the places that you need to be.
Motivation is not a prerequisite for showing up.
Start your day with what is important.
Use rituals to get things going.
Showing up to help others is already service.
Change your vantage point and refresh your mind.
Location, location, location - in real estate and life.
Be on time for the sake of others
Show up on time for yourself.
Lost time is never found.

54
Q

Fourth Maxim: Start Anywhere

A

All starting points are equally valid.
Begin with what seems obvious.
Once it is under way any task seems smaller.
When speaking in public don’t use a script.
Write down the questions and then answer them.
Talk to your audience.
Don’t give a lecture.
Trust your mind.
Edit & develop ideas as you speak.

55
Q

Fifth Maxim: Be Average

A

Close enough is perfect.
Dare to be dull.
Think “inside” the box.
Celebrate the obvious.
What is ordinary to you is often a revelation to others.
Remember “classics” or “favorites” can be fresh ideas too.
Don’t make jokes. Make sense.

56
Q

Sixth Maxim: Pay Attention

A

Life is attention.
Notice everything, particularly the details.
Become a detective.
Shift your attention from yourself to others.
Keep on waking up.
This moment happens only once. Treasure it.
Avoid multitasking.
Attend to one thing at a time.

57
Q

Five Sets of Skills

A
Listening Skills
Assertion Skills
Conflict-Resolution Skills
Collaborative Problem Solving Skills
Skill Selection
58
Q

Four Skills of Reflective Listening

A

Paraphrasing
Reflecting feelings
Improving the Capacity to “Hear” Feelings
Reflecting Meanings

59
Q

Summative Reflections

A

is a brief restatement of the main themes and feelings the speaker expressed over a longer period of conversation than would be covered by any of the other reflective skills.

60
Q

Six Peculiarities of Human Communication

A
  • Words: Imprecise Vehicles of Communication
  • Guess work is involved in understanding the Meaning of the Speaker’s “Code”
  • The Presenting Problem may not be the major concern
  • The Speaker may be blind to her emotions or blinded by them
  • Many listeners Are Easily Distracted
  • Filters distort what the listener hears
61
Q

Focus attention on the 6 helpful clues

A
auditory channel
-The specific words that are spoken
-The sound of the voice
-the rapidity of speech, the frequency and length of the pauses, how often the speech is disrupted by words like “aah” and “mmm”
Visual channel
-Facial expression
-posture
-gestures
62
Q

Four things are achieved when you verbalize what you think the other may be feeling
(Reflecting Feelings)

A
  • check on the accuracy of your assumptions about the other’s feelings
  • you may help the speaker become more aware of the feelings she is experiencing
  • your flection encourages the other to speak about the feeling part of her situation
  • when the speaker hears her feelings reflected back by an accepting listener, she usually feels understood.
63
Q

Guidelines for Improved Listening

A
Don’t Fake Understanding
Don’t tell the speaker you know how he feels
Vary your responses
Focus on the Feelings
Choose the most accurate feeling word
Develop vocal empathy
Strive for concreteness and relevance
Provide Nondogmatic but Firm Responses
Reflect the speaker’s resources 
Reflect the feelings that are implicit in questions
Accept that many interactions
Reflect during brief interactions
64
Q

Subtractive

A

when the listener’s response does not demonstrate accurate comprehension of the other person

65
Q

Interchangeable

A

when the listener reflects the real feelings and specific content of the speaker with approximately the same intensity that they were expressed

66
Q

Additive

A

When the speaker makes several interchangeable responses and then goes beyond what the speaker communicated
These are risky and can damage the relationship
some believe only should be used by therapists

67
Q

Two Issues about additive responses

A
  • Value issue - to what degree, if any, is it appropriate for me to try to mold and shape another person’s life when he is wrestling with a problem?
  • pragmatic issue - What works best?
68
Q

When to Provide Factual Information

A
  • After a base of trust and understanding has been built, information may be constructively share if
  • the person is emotionally ready to recieve your information
  • your information is relevant to the person’s basic problem
  • You are confident that the other does not already have the facts nor does he have access to them
  • you are confident of the validity of the information
69
Q

When to Listen reflectively

A

Before you act
Before you argue or criticize
When the other person experiences strong feelings or wants to talk over a problem
when the other person is speaking in a “code”
When another person wants to sort out his feelings and thoughts
during a “direct mutual conversation”
When you are talking to yourself
when encountering new Ideas in a book or lecture or at work

70
Q

When to not listen reflectively

A

when you are not able to be accepting
when you do not trust the other to find his own solution
when you are not “separate” from the other person
when you use listening as a way of hiding yourself
when you feel very pressured, or depleted

71
Q

Good and Bad News with Listening

A

Good: Listening can be a beautiful experience
Bad:Reflective listening can be a heavy burden