Panch Lines (Act 2) Flashcards
Barfee: Luck of the draw. One moment please. A-N-T-I-H-I-S-T-A-M-I-N-E. Antihistamine Mr/Ms. Pancheee.
Doug Panch/Vice Principal Panch.
Rona: That is very impressive. Especially the piano.
Miss Park your word is CAMOUFLAGE.
Rona: Three spellers remain!
Miss Swartzandgrubenierre.
Rona: Ladies and gentleman please turn off all cell phones, pagers, and-
Olive: Oh, it’s me – it’s my dad. Can I answer?
I’m afraid we can’t let you do that.
(During Swartzy’s spill about her father’s day and pride month)
Does anyone mind if we get back to the spelling?
Panch: Does anyone mind if we get back to the spelling?
Swartzy: I’ve been waiting on my word
I gave you a word.
Panch: I gave you a word.
Swartzy: No you didn’t.
Didn’t I give her a-
Panch: Didn’t I give her a-
All: No.
My apologizes. Sluice.
Panch: Yes, it’s a body of water pent up behind a floodgate.
Swartzy: Are there any alternate definitions?
Why don’t you quit stalling and spell the damn word!
Panch: Why don’t you quit stalling and spell the damn word!
Rona: Principal Panch!
Vice Principal Panch! Vice Principal! They won’t let me be principal!
Swartzy: You’re lucky your parents are in India.
Olive: No, only my mom is. My dad’s coming from work.
I apologize for that incident. In my defense I’d like to point out that I’m lactose intolerant. Miss Ovstrosky.
Barfee: Ew. There’s something sticky. I’ll take it from the crep. U.S.
We need a spelling now.
Swartzy: Vug? That’s the whole word? Vug?
Vug.
Panch: I’m sorry the correct answer is V-U-G. Vug.
Swartzy: So simple?
So simple.
Mitch and Swartzy: Goodbye!
Rona: How exciting!
Will the final two spellers please step forward. Now the rules state that we continue spelling until someone misses a word. At that point, the final speller must spell the next word correctly in order to win the bee.
Rona: I hear triumphant sounds of tympani. It’s my favorite moment of the bee.
Mr. Barfee. Coryza.
Barfee: Hop home carrot.
Olive: Rap home cohort.
Mr. Barfee. Please spell astrobleme.
Rona: Now remember, no speller can win on another speller’s mistake. Mr. Barfee must spell the next word correctly to take the Putnam bee.
Are you ready, William?
Panch: Are you ready, William?
Barfee: Yes, thank you Doug/Vice Principal, I am ready.
Then please spell Weltanschauung.
Barfee: S-C-H-A-U
Olive: It’s okay, Barf.
Barfee: U-N-G. Weltanschauung.
We have a winner!
All: Champion! At the Putnam County Spelling
Barfee: Thank you all very much.
All: Bee!
On behalf of our sponsors “The Putnam Optometrists, you’ve got to see us to believe us” we’d like to present you, William Morris Barfay, with this two hundred dollar savings bond toward your future education.
Barfee: I’ve worked so hard for this moment. All my life I have only been able to breathe through one nostril and today is no exception!
And this year there’s also a runner-up prize!
Panch: And this year there’s also a runner-up prize!
Rona: There is?
Yes, as you know, if for any reason the winner cannot fulfill his duties as Putnam County Spelling Champ, the Runner Up must step in and assume all spelling responsibilities. So this year our sponsors are also offering a cash prize of twenty-five dollars to the second-place finisher.
(Epilogues)
Vice Principal Panch found a new passion in life. Her name was Rona Lisa Peretti. After courting her tirelessly for over two years, she took out a restraining order on him/her. Still, he/she was grateful for the opportunity to experience love.
