On Love - Alain De Botton

Question 1

Many of our ideas about love come from reading novels.

We are all influenced by Romanticism

Romantic assumptions:

1/ There is a soulmate out there. Once we find them our soul will fused with theirs. Loneliness will be banished.

2/ We will find this soulmate by instinct. You will have a special feeling. That special feeling has become venerated. If you don’t have the special feeling it can be socially embarrassing. So people fake it.

3/ Romantics are very keen on the notion of happily ever after. Love is forever.

4/ Generally, none of the Romantics have jobs so they can spend a lot of time on love. Waterfalls and long country walks are prominent.

5/ The Romantics consecrate sex as the crowning expression of love. Adultery only becomes tragedy with the advent of Romanticism

Answer 1

Romanticism has been a catastrophe for long-term relationships.

It has spelt catastrophe to endure and survive long-term relationships.

Romanticism says that all of us are angelic by nature - contrary to the idea of original sin. This is highly troubling for relationships because it leads to self-righteousness.

It is far better to insist that all of us are deeply crazy.

We are all warped and distorted in very significant ways.

All of us have very low levels of self-knowledge because there is a conspiracy of silence which surrounds us. This is because our close friends and family have no motive to tell us.

It’s very tender and poignant to believe that you’re very easy to live with, if only you meet the right person. This notion that we are easy to live with must be stamped out.

We need to give non-defensive and non-hysterical explanations of why you are slightly mad.

Somebody with a handle on their imperfections

Question 2

Romanticism has an extremely high regard for honesty

Romanticism never mentions laundry or housework

When 2 people are convinced that they are too clever to have an argument the result will be bitter

According to Romantics, 2 people can understand each other without needing to talk to one another. A quintessential romantic belief is that if you think too much you break things. Over the short-term this is charming but over the long-term this is a catastrophe/problematic.

You cannot expect the other person to be a mind reader.

In the early days of love, there are less than perfect signs in a relationship which are charming and loveable.

A lot of relationship arguments stem from bad teaching. One of the best ways to be a teacher is not to mind too much if the message does not get across.

We shouldn’t reduce our expectations - the task before us is to try and find a way.

What are the skills that we need to develop:

1/ Learn to see your partner as a small child - we come up with very generous explanations as to why they’re upset or misbehaving.

2/ Most people are not mean, just frightened. We need to accept this

3/ Comedy and humour is very important in a relationship. Comedy can help us temper our more punitive interpretations of who we’ve got together with

4/ We must reckon with our habit of getting into crushes

Answer 2

There are some wonderful moments in the early phases of love when we really do feel that somebody can accept all of us.

Romanticism is responsible for sulking

A sulk is a feeling of hurt that you are not going to explain, for the simple reason that the guilty party is ‘supposed to know’

A true lover should be able to intuit the contents of your soul

For the ancient Greeks, love should be a process of mutual education.

We are so brittle and defensive that it’s a betrayal of love to educate your partner.

Nagging is what happens when teaching fails.

Ultimately, love is not just an intuition but a skill that you learn.

Compatibility is an achievement of love, it cannot be its precondition

You have to make a choice between varieties of suffering

One of the greatest British exports is melancholy. Life isn’t perfect but I’m dealing with it.

We are ready to embark on a relationship when:

1/ We realise we are crazy

2/ We realise that anybody we meet is going to be imperfect

3/ We are ready to spell things out

4/ We accept all these things with a dose of humour