No-Drama Discipline (Siegel and Bryson)

Question 1

What are the 3 questions parents should ask before responding to a child’s misbehavior?

Answer 1

WHY? Why did my child act this way?
WHAT? What lesson do I want to teach?
HOW? How can I best teach the lesson?

Question 2

Name the 2 primary parenting strategies presented in this book.

Answer 2

1. Connect: offer comfort when our kids are upset, listen to their feelings, communicate how much we love them even when they’ve messed up.
2. Redirect: talk with our kids about their behavior, helping them to gain insight into themselves, empathy for others, and the ability to make things right when they make mistakes.

Question 3

What is the opposite of AUTO-PILOT (one-size-fits-all) parenting ?

Answer 3

Remember to discipline THIS ONE CHILD in THIS ONE MOMENT

Remember to consider a child’s developmental capacity, particular temperament, emotional style, situational context.

Question 4

Can’t vs Won’t: what’s the difference ?

Answer 4

Sometimes we assume that kids WON’T behave the way we want, when in reality, they simply CAN’T (at least not in this particular moment)

Question 5

What are the ramifications of neuroplasticity?

Answer 5

If repeated experiences actually change the physical architecture of the brain, then it becomes paramount that we be intentional about the experiences we give our children. (P42)

Question 6

What is Hebb’s axiom (concerning neurons)?

Answer 6

Neurons that fire together wire together.

Canadian neuropsychologist, Donald Hebb

Question 7

What are the implications of Hebb’s axiom?

Answer 7

When an experience is repeated over and over, it deepens and strengthens the connections among those neurons, forming a network.

Experiences lead to changes in the architecture of the brain.

Question 8

What are the three Brain C’s?

Answer 8

1. The brain is changing
2. The brain is changeable
3. The brain is complex

Question 9

What words characterize the UPSTAIRS and DOWNSTAIRS regions of the brain ?

Answer 9

Upstairs: RECEPTIVE - sophisticated, capable of logic, compassion, and self-understanding

Downstairs: REACTIVE - primitive, defensive, instinctive, prone to attack or flee or freeze or faint

Question 10

What does it mean to «poke the lizard?»

Answer 10

Discipline with threats and aggression, activating the defensive circuits of the child’s reactive reptilian brain.

Parents want to ENGAGE the upstairs brain rather than ENRAGE the downstairs.

Question 11

What is the «name it to tame it» strategy ?

Answer 11

When we put words to our emotions, we engage the thinking, analytical (upstairs) part of the brain which helps soothe the irritated lower regions, rather than letting the reactive, emotional downstairs brain dominate and dictate the person’s feelings and responses.

Simply by naming the emotion, a person feels her levels of fear and anger decrease.

Question 12

Name and describe the two parts of the autonomic nervous system.

Answer 12

1. The sympathetic branch: the accelerator of the system, causing us to react with gusto to impulses and situations as it primes the body for action.
2. The parasympathetic branch: the brakes of the system, allowing us to stop and regulate ourselves and our impulses.

Parents seek to help children learn to keep these systems in balance, which is key to emotional regulation.

Question 13

What is the difference between healthy, developmental shame and toxic shame?

Answer 13

Healthy shame is a necessary part of learning to accept appropriate limits and curb inappropriate behavior.

Toxic shame involves not simply the sense of having done something wrong, which can and needs to be corrected, but the painful sense that one’s inner self is defective.

Question 14

What does it mean for a child to FEEL FELT?

Answer 14

The inner sense of being seen and understood that transforms chaos into calm, isolation into connection.

Question 15

What are the two goals of discipline ?

Answer 15

Building cooperation and brain building

Question 16

What is proactive parenting ?

Answer 16

Watching for times we can tell that misbehavior and or a meltdown is in our child’s near future, and then stepping in to guide them around the landmine.
Reading our child’s cues and taking steps to stay ahead of the discipline curve.

Question 17

What does it mean to HALT before responding ?

Answer 17

When you see your child’s behavior trending in the wrong direction, ask yourself:
Is he HUNGRY ?
Is he ANGRY ?
Is he LONELY ?
Is he TIRED ?

Question 18

What are three good reasons to CONNECT with your child in a moment of discipline ?

Answer 18

1. CONNECTION CALMS: it moves a child from reactivity to receptivity.
2. Connection builds the brain.
3. Connection deepens the relationship with your child.

Question 19

What question should I ask before moving from CONNECTION to REDIRECTION ?

Answer 19

Is my child ready? Ready to hear me? Ready to learn ? Ready to understand ?

Question 20

How might we characterize the two banks of the RIVER OF WELL-BEING ?

Answer 20

One bank is CHAOS: a total lack of control (too much flexibility)

The other bank is RIGIDITY: too much control (no flexibility or adaptability)

Question 21

What are the EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONS of the upstairs brain?

Answer 21

The executive functions involve self-regulation: balancing our emotions, focusing our attention, controlling our impulses, and connecting us empathically with others. The capacity to regulate ATTENTION, EMOTIONS, THOUGHTS, and BEHAVIOR.

Question 22

How do we develop an INTEGRATED RELATIONSHIP?

Answer 22

An integrated relationship develops when we honor differences between ourselves and others, and then connect through compassionate communication. We respect another person’s inner mental life without seeking to become that person.

Question 23

Why do our children need us to connect with them during a TANTRUM?

Answer 23

When a child is upset enough to throw a tantrum, he is usually suffering. He is miserable. The stress hormone cortisol is pumping through his body and washing over his brain, and he feels completely out of control of his emotions and impulses, unable to calm himself or express what he needs. That’s suffering! Our child needs the same thing when he suffers emotionally that he does when he is suffering physically: connection. He needs us to be calm and loving and nurturing.

Question 24

What does it mean to SPOIL a child?

Answer 24

Creating the child’s world in such a way that the child feels a sense of entitlement about getting her way, about getting what she wants exactly when she wants it, and that everything should come easily to her and be done for her.

The problem appears when we indulge our children by giving them more and more stuff, and sheltering them from struggles and sadness, instead of lavishly offering what our kids really need, and what really matters - our love and connection and attention and time - as our children struggle and face the frustrations that life inevitably brings. (p90)

BUT . . . you can’t spoil a child by giving her too much emotional connection, attention, physical affection, or love.

Question 25

How do we distinguish healthy connection from SPOILING?

Answer 25

We want our kids to expect that their NEEDS can be understood and consistently met. We don’t want our kids to expect that their DESIRES and WHIMS will always be met. Connecting when a child is upset or out of control is about meeting that child’s needs, not giving in to what she wants.

Question 26

How does a parent SET THE STAGE for connecting with their child?

Answer 26

RESPONSE FLEXIBILITY: the parent should decide among a variety of approaches based on his or her own parenting style, the situation at hand, and the individual child’s temperament. Before responding, the parent pauses to think and to choose the best course of action.

Question 27

What is Connection Principle #1?

Answer 27

Turn down the shark music. “Shark music” refers to the stressful background music that influences our mood and emotions in a given situation . . . and that fuels FEAR-BASED PARENTING. It refers to anything that might hinder us from parenting this unique child in this unique moment: memories from the past, concerns about the future, a recent experience of stress, or disappointment, or frustration that may have nothing to do with your child or the present moment and its unique needs.

One goal is to parent only this child based only on the actual facts of this particular situation. Responding (receptively) rather than reacting is key to replacing FEAR-BASED PARENTING with PHILOSOPHY-BASED PARENTING

Question 28

What is Connection Principle #2?

Answer 28

Chase the WHY. Don’t make assumptions about what you (the parent) perceive to be obvious. Before responding to a situation where you may be lacking information, put your detective hat on and ask lots of questions.

Chasing the why doesn’t necessarily mean asking, “Why did you do that?” The child won’t always know why.

Question 29

What is Connection Principle #3?

Answer 29

Think about the How. How we speak to our kids is just as important, if not MORE important, than what we say to them. It is the HOW that determines what our children feel about us and themselves, and what they learn about treating others. The HOW can also have a big impact on the child’s response in the moment.

Question 30

What are the 4 steps of the “No-Drama Connection Cycle”?

Answer 30

1. Communicate comfort
2. Validate
3. Listen
4. Reflect

Question 31

What does it mean to COMMUNICATE COMFORT (Connection strategy #1)?

Answer 31

It means to help your child calm down when his/her emotions are taking over. Much of this communication takes place nonverbally: no words necessary. The most powerful way to communicate comfort is through TOUCH.

Touch releases feel-good hormones (like oxytocin) into our brain and body.
It also releases the level of cortisol (a stress hormone).
Loving touch alters a person’s brain chemistry!

One helpful starting point is to place your body BELOW the child’s eye level, in a relaxed and calm position.

Question 32

Why is it so important to VALIDATE (Connection Strategy #2)?

Answer 32

We need to let our kids know that we HEAR them. That we understand. That we get it.

We want to ATTUNE to our child’s inner subjective experiences, focusing our attention on how they are experiencing things from their point of view.

The alternative (which we use far too often) is to DISMISS what the other is experiencing by denying the importance, minimizing or even blaming.

Question 33

How is it helpful to STOP TALKING and LISTEN (Connection Strategy #3)?

Answer 33

Too many parents DRONE ON in situations of discipline. But talking and talking to an emotionally activated child is not the least bit effective. When a child is hurt, angry, or disappointed, the logical part of the upstairs brain isn’t fully functioning. LISTEN INSTEAD!!

COMMUNICATE COMFORT by giving your child time to calm down, allowing them to express themselves. Then VALIDATE what they have said before making any attempt to redirect.

Question 34

Explain what it means to REFLECT WHAT YOU HEAR (Connection Strategy #4)

Answer 34

One term for this is a TELL-BACK: summarize in your own words the essential message that your child has communicated. This tell-back may involve some subtle reframing of the message (for example, if your daughter has been yelling about her brother, “I hate him!”).

Don’t let a feeling that is a momentary STATE to be perceived in her mind to be a permanent TRAIT.

Question 35

What is the essence of DISCIPLINE?

Answer 35

Discipline is essentially TEACHING not punishment.

Question 36

Why isn’t it helpful to lead with punishment or doling out consequences?

Answer 36

Leading with punishment, especially when we are angry and reactive, can be counterproductive because it distracts our children from the physiological and emotions messages of their own conscience, which is a powerful force in developing self-discipline.

Question 37

How do parents help the conscience do its vital work in a child?

Answer 37

When a parent helps the child become aware of the sensations and emotions generated by the conscience (sensations and emotions that the child would rather ignore), these can become the basis for ethics and self-control. This self-awareness lays the foundation for healthy decision-making when the parent is not around to help.

Question 38

What are TWO PRINCIPLES of redirection in parenting?

Answer 38

Principle #1: Wait until your child is ready.
Is my child ready to to hear? Ready to learn? Ready to understand?
Am I ready to discipline (teach through Connection and Redirection) my child?

Principle #2: Be consistent, but not rigid.
CONSISTENCY means working from a reliable and coherent philosophy so that our kids now what we expect of them and what they should expect of us.
RIGIDITY means maintaining an unswerving devotion to rules we’ve set up, sometimes without having even thought them through, or without changing them as our kids develop.

Question 39

How might we describe the SWEET SPOT when it comes to teaching?

Answer 39

The SWEET SPOT is the optimal window for effective instruction. If a child is UNDER-AROUSED (sleepy, bored, checked out for some reason) or OVER-AROUSED (feeling anxious, stressed-out, hyperactive) they will be UNRECEPTIVE . . . incapable of learning effectively.

We need to create an environment that helps them move into a state of mind that is calm, alert, and receptive. That is the SWEET SPOT where learning really takes place.

Question 40

Revisiting RESPONSE FLEXIBILITY: What is it, again?

Answer 40

RESPONSE FLEXIBILITY helps us to be consistent without being rigid. It involves intentionally responding to a situation in a way that considers what works best for our child and for our family, even if that means making an exception to our normal rules and expectations.

Question 41

What is a “DO-OVER”?

Answer 41

A DO-OVER provides a child with a second chance at handling a situation well. Example: “I bet if you tried again, you could come up with a more respectful way to say that.” It takes into account the goals of discipline: teaching, training, skill development. These things require repeated guidance and coaching.

Question 42

What are the 3 OUTCOMES of parental redirection?

Answer 42

1. Outcome #1: Insight (the ability to consider our own feelings)
2. Outcome #2: Empathy (the ability to see the mind of another, to imagine how someone else is experiencing a particular situation)
3. Outcome #3: Integration and the repair of ruptures (reconciliation)

Making “mindsight” maps of ME, YOU, and WE.

Question 43

How might we facilitate the development of INSIGHT (awareness of my own feelings) in young children? In older children?

Answer 43

One way to facilitate INSIGHT is to help our children NAME the emotions we observe. Example: “When she took away the doll, it looked like you felt really mad. Is that right?”

With older children, we might use more open-ended questions: “How did it make you feel when your brother was badgering you like that?”

Principle: Every time a child gets specific and discusses his own emotional experience, he gains more insight into himself and deepens his own self-understanding.

Question 44

How do we help our kids cultivate EMPATHY?

Answer 44

We want to give kids lots of practice reflecting on how their actions impact others, seeing things from another’s point of view, and developing awareness of others’ feelings. Parents can do this most effectively simply by asking good questions and helping kids make observations: “Do you see Juliana’s tears? Can you imagine how she might be feeling?”

The more we give our kids practice at considering how someone else feels or experiences a situation, the more empathic and caring they will become.

Question 45

What questions can we ask that appeal to the UPSTAIRS brain when it comes to repairing a relationship?

Answer 45

Examples:

1. What can you do now to make it right?
2. What positive step can you take to help fix this?
3. What do you think needs to happen now?
4. What is something you could do to help us feel good about the trust we have in you?

Question 46

What should a parent remind himself/herself to do BEFORE redirecting a child?

Answer 46

Answer: Keep calm and connect.

Question 47

List the R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T strategies:

Answer 47

Reduce words
Embrace emotions
Describe, don't preach
Involve your child in the discipline
Reframe a "no" into a conditional "yes"
Emphasize the positive
Creatively approach the situation
Teach mindsight tools

Question 48

What does it mean as a parent to SAVE YOUR VOICE?

Answer 48

Resist addressing the small points in a discussion so that the words will matter more when they address the really important issues.

Address what you really care about . . . then stop talking.

When you SAVE YOUR VOICE, your words carry more weight.

Question 49

How do we help our child embrace his or her emotions?

Answer 49

We help them understand that their feelings are neither good or bad, neither valid nor invalid. They simply ARE. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry or sad or frustrated. It is what we DO as a result of our emotions that determines whether our behavior is acceptable or not.

Question 50

Why is it preferable to OBSERVE rather than to PREACH?

Answer 50

When we point out what we see, then ask our kids to help us understand or come up with a solution, it opens up the opportunity for cooperation, dialogue, and growth.

Question 51

What are some advantages to involving the child in the discipline process?

Answer 51

When children are involved in the discipline process, they feel more respected, they buy into what the parents are promoting, and they are therefore more apt to cooperate and even help come up with solutions to the problems that created the need for discipline in the first place. As a result, children and parents work as a team to figure out how best to address disciplinary situations.

Question 52

How might we help our children build DISAPPOINTMENT TOLERANCE?

Answer 52

When a desire can’t be satisfied immediately, we can help our kids think about a future moment when the desire might be satisfied? Example: I know that you want to stay and play longer at the park, but Mommy is expecting us home for dinner. How about we decide with Mommy when we get home about our next trip to the park?

Question 53

What are a few positive ways to respond to whining?

Answer 53

Example #1: “I prefer when you speak in your normal voice. Could you try that again?”

Example #2: “Ask me again in your powerful big-boy voice.”

Instead of focusing on what you DON’T want,
try focusing on what you DO want.

Question 54

How might we be proactive about emphasizing the positive?

Answer 54

Try to CATCH your kids practicing behaviors that you want them to repeat, and then offer praise for what they have just done.

Question 55

What does CREATIVITY have to do with my parenting?

Answer 55

Kids love novelty! Both playfulness and humor can transform a tense situation into a memorable learning experience.

Question 56

What message do we teach our kids when we train them to use mindsight tools?

Answer 56

You don’t have to get stuck in a negative experience. You don’t have to be a victim to external events or internal emotions. You can use your mind to take charge of how you feel and how you act.

Question 57

What might be some helpful language for repairing a RUPTURED parent-child relationship in a situation of conflict? (when mom or dad messes up)

Answer 57

Example: “I know I didn’t handle myself well in that situation. I would like to ask your forgiveness, but I want to listen first, in case you want to talk about what that was like for you or how it made you feel.”