My Old Ass Flashcards
Memorize by Tuesday!
You Start of the Scene
Hey Freak.
Who are you?
Oh my god, this is Maude Island.
I used to love this place! Damn. It’s a shame some dickhead rich guy bought it all up. Sucks.
Oh my god, I miss chemicals. mmmm
Where did you from?
You tell me. You’re the one who took a bunch of mushrooms and summoned me here.
Do you work for my dad? Did he send you here to spy on me?
HA! That is something he’d do. That’s funny. But, no.
God?
I don’t know how to say this… (whispers) yes.
Elliott. Come on. Dude, I’m you. Well, thirty-nine-year-old you.
What?
What’s up?
What are you talking about? (a beat) You’re me? Fuck off. What?
You fuck off.
You have bangs. I don’t have bangs - I have no plans on getting bangs.
Take it easy, bitch.
First of All…..
And your boobs are saggy. My boobs aren’t saggy.
Okay. You can’t even see my boobs.
I just don’t see it
Oh my god. Enough.
Forgot how fucking dense I was. Let me show you something. Um, this… (points to a scar) Right? Nine years old. Falling off the tractor onto that broken fence. Hurt like hell.
Okay, more. fuck it….
Left boob, one cup smaller than the right. And no, it never catches up to the right but honestly =, you get used to it and it’s okay. Guys can’t really tell. Girls can but…
Holy shit. I’m high.
yeah
I’m actually kinda hot for being middle aged.
Okay. Fuck you. I’m thirty-nine years old that’s not middle aged.
No. That is middle aged.
No, it’s NOT. I’m a very young adult.
Really? ‘Cause I’m getting “milfy” vibes –
Oooh. Nobody says “milf” anymore.
I’m kinda gagging over it
NOBODY says “gagging over it” anymore either. So…
Wait. Oh my god. Okay. Tell me everything! Where do we live? Do we have kids? Are we like, SO happy and fulfilled?
Oh my god. That is… yeah. I forgot how…
Simple everything seemed.
Wait, that sounds dark. Do you die? Am I dead?! (getting closer to her) Does the planet just burn up and explode and we all suffocate –
Chill out. No. We’re alive.
This is turning into a bad trip. I feel this is turning into a bad trip. And I’m trying to have a good time, but you’re giving me a fucking panic attack.
Okay. No. Chill out….
Just tell me something good!
Um, something good. Umm….
Why are you struggling to find something good from the future?
Oh! This is good. Older Elliot’s smile gives Elliott a sense of relief.
You are going to be fucking psyched to know that you are a…
Okay, tell me…
PhD Student (beat) Fuck Yeah
No. What Youre joking
But I don’t want to tell you in what because I want you to have something to look forward to.
Look FORWARD to? Did you just tell me I’m in my forties and still in SCHOOL!?
Thirties. THIRTIES.
Dude. What the fuck? Did you honestly think you were gonna be married, have multiple kids AND your dream job by the time you were forty?
Oh. You did. Okay.
Wait. I just had the best idea. You tell me who the next Apple is and I’ll invest now and then we can be INSANELY rich.
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
