my cards Flashcards
Where the language needs to be repaired, cleaned out, I will bring in my words like a fountain.
It’s our mobility we’ve forgotten – I’ve been thinking about that nonstop since coming to utah– what are these invisible walls shutting us off against freedom of movement? The wildness of impulse? We’ve benlieved the lie of being civilized so deeply that we no longer remember true instinct. When we gather in groups we don’t remember the thrill of dancing or the power of ritual. We don’t know how to discuss or generate new timelines to guide us out of the past. We’ve forgotten the power that comes from within and between us, and only know about the power that keeps us in fear.
I’m trying to forgive myself for existing the way that I am
The voice of programming
The surveillor
The one always taller, more knowledgeable than me
The one who faces the people and governs them
As long as that role exists and is valued, we will not be free
As long as we leave that spot open to the energy that can benefit most from filling it.
I had to choose life. The bare face of it. I don’t think I wanted to be happy when I was grieving. It got to where my joy, trapped in my body, was breaking me.
We are propelled to live. We cannot stifel it. Movement and life are the same. I thought by not moving I could stop life. But as long as your heart is beating you’re compelled to act out life. It’s a role you can’t reject or hide from.
I saw my highest self and it crushed me
I’m trying to forgive her for revealing her face to me. I’m trying to let her inhabit this body. But I’m resisting it.
The question in my base is yes or no
It is the question that keeps life going
Its unanswerability is the momentum behind all manifestation.
Awake comes from your base – if you did not have this trigger you would fall asleep – awake means you have trapped energy that needs to be released – all action, movement and speech is the release of energy. Sleeping is inhaling – we receive what we will give the next day with our movements.
To live in response to your body – in response to the question yes or no which sits you upright and makes you alert – to let yourself be propelled by this question, not intimidated by it
There is nothing to figure out – there is a natural propulsion that moves everyone, and we take it as an existential crisis. To die or to live – we cannot and are not expected to decide. There is only the friction between yes and no to guide us.
If you can find it in your body – and your resistance to it – you can locate your entire psychology, the way you cope with this question and your efforts to resist the unknowns it brings up for you.
To live as the creature you are – to live compelled by your own inner urgency (which used to be the source of your depression and anxiety) is the entire reason we’re all here
Expression comes forth out of friction – polar signals the body is pressed to find something to do with
You keep the current going–thats all it is–you remove the obstacles interrupting your own flow and rhythm, the way you come out into the world
A lot has been put in the way of honest/full expression because it’s the most powerful thing there is. It’s freedom – fully inhabiting, fully knowing
Purging misogyny from my psyche - I am going to let myself go
(the woman who lets herself go is the enemy to this machine)
The tunnel is the length of your resistance
The reason I am doing this is because I believe artists have carried out a task for a long time that they can no longer be given the burden of doing in isolation. Too much is happening for a handful of scattered artists to listen and respond to. We’ve ridden on the backs of their self-trust for centuries.
They are not more gifted or brilliant than you are.
They know a desire you simply don’t trust yourself to follow through.
All of us are regaining our instincts. We’ve been coddled by this machine. It holds us inside its walls, and only gives us tasks that can be completed inside them.
The uncommercialized artist is someone who enters uncharted space for the hell of it. In a world that’s been so colonized by one monolithic structure, we depend on art for freedom. It is a path outside this. But the experience of art is not enough. We need on a large scale the instincts that bring a person to make it. The focused gaze resting on unknown territory. We need to know how to interact with the unknown or we will always trust someone more gifted or knowledgeable to give structure to it.
mormon religion is to outer darkness, what this reality has done to the space outside it
the way leila felt restrained by relationships – the way relationships have been used to tie us more to this machine and keep us locked in the traps of judgment and approval – the way relationships are the places where this reality is validated and enforced
tie this into the idea that our natural magnetism toward each other has been co opted
The question of instinct is the only question. Am I doing this right. We create rote memorization of behaviors and movements that seem effective and safe from the big question. We’re all safeguarding ourselves against the only thing that will give us our freedom and joy
The message I got in my dreams last night was to forget myself a little more. To not rely so much on my confidence, well being, or mental fortitude to do the work. Much is being done behind the scenes to get me in a fit state to do this, and I can rely on that instead of spending time each day distracted by the question of whether I am able and capable. Don’t question it. Questioning is delaying. Questioning is fearing. It’s what stands in the way of me and channeling, that fluid relationship I want to achieve, so I can act whenever I want to.
My dreams have been playing back over encounters. A voice is alongside me, pointing things out, gently allowing my frustration and confusion as I struggle to learn why I feel bad. I receive all this and test my knowledge the next day. Over and over. Dreams train me. This is battle – how tempting it’s been to forget that. I am closing up all the holes one by one – where the enemy has gotten in. Trauma prepared me for psychic attack and the greate resetting of boundaries that comes after. You don’t heal back to the way you were before. You build a fortress around your joy and weed out every single thing that tries to dampen, exploit or suppress it. Fuck every force that acts in suppression of joy. We are the stars. Our light comes from the heart of the cosmos. What harms and blots us out will soon be what we refract effortlessly, so loud will be our joy and expression. There is nothing you can do to stop the growth of me. All this scarcity turns to abundance in my hands.
I do not have special skills. We are born with an armor we are taught to set down. How embarrassing, how unscientific, to rely on the strength of your own intuition, to sharpen your words like a sword, to know deeply that the love between us can prepare us for any death, any change, that this is the fabric by which we are malleable, always adaptive to the new world changes bring to us, and so there is no reason for fear.
There is no justification for fear, no matter how hurt you’ve been, and often it’s the ones who’ve been hurt the most that finally say fuck it and break out of fear’s shackles. There is only a mind still leaning on a backup story, not yet able to stand alone with its own inner knowledge. We say words we’ve heard others say because we don’t trust our own tongues to improvise. We move our bodies in a memorized way – memorized gestures and expressions we’ve seen others use without judgment being passed on them. We do what we have observed to be safe.
We’re all living in response to this surveillor who seems to know all our thoughts and movements, and who alone possesses the power to measure them. Like hostages, we try pleasing him. Attaching ourselves to him at times in the name of religion and righteous behavior. But does it ever work? The endless stream of actions we take to avoid trauma? Anyone who’s trying to heal will tell you no, your system simply crashes one day and you are forced to see what conditions you’ve been living under. Then you have to grieve. Many of us rediscover the child who first learned fear, and we ask her to forgive us, because we traded her joy for a place in this global network of isolation and self-questioning that causes us to either copy or condemn each other, whichever feels safest in our assessment of risk. It’s her we make reparations for, because she knew and understood what we are now having to work so hard to remember.
It should not take the strength and mental fortitude of a warrior to do this. To live self propelled by love and desire for expression. But it does, and so we require training. In an invisible battle, every day, we are fighting an illness that brings weakness to our whole species. Healing it in ourselves, we learn strength and can teach it to others. We also learn this illness – it becomes a familiar – and we understand that fighting it is our rite of passage to become strong and wise as a species. We need this illness, for a time, to understand the pain that comes from holding onto it, believing it, using it to shield ourselves from our true calling, which is uniting and building. In understanding the role of this illness, we can forgive ourselves for being so attached to it, and we can minimize the exhaustion that comes from resisting it. The purpose of this process is not to focus on the problem that plagues us but to redirect all our faculties toward the real purpose on our lives, which humanity has been avoiding. We are training ourselves to align with this purpose, to strengthen any areas where we’ve been practising avoidance, and then, when it’s time, to find others who are ready to build with us.
Dissociation gives you a look at what you are in. A mind looking down at a body. You can allow yourself to see your interaction with the world, and you can train yourself to do this without fear.
Trauma will teach you fear, and fear, when lived in for months or years, can teach you the way out of it. Trauma pushes you straight into fear, it’s a den of vipers. And the only way to survive is to tame them. I stopped living with fear in my body because I just couldn’t sustain it anymore.
If I resent this story I resent myself
Collective trauma looks to me like a one way ticket to mobilizing and finding personal power
This separation, on a global scale, is the separation between us and action. They teach us not to control ourselves, so they can do it for us.
Your nervous system is your physical understanding of boundaries. Most of trauma work is resetting boundaries on all levels physical and psychic. Your relationship with these boundaries is your power.
The world needs to name its new experiences – we are like a growing child and our vocabulary __________________
The only way to gain control of myself is to surrender but not give in
Any adversity that comes my way is but a moment in time that I cannot allow into my space unless I choose to
If I control myself, no one else can
Any institution or person that tires may be able to for a season, if I forget myself
If I remember myself, any adversity can easily be overcome
Any adversity I can overcome, I can do so bc I am in control of myself
Ultimately: I can overcome any adversity because if I am in control of myself, nothing can control me
Control is gained through the rejection thereof
This reality is a manifestation of the avoidance of pain
America is the avoidance of pain
Pain needs room to breathe, it lives on open air and being spoken
Allow it in your body. Your pain is your awareness of being alive.
Seeing it in yourself you will see it in everything
The pain that makes grass grow even as we walk on it
The pain is born out of all these lives pushing against each other – we are all alive at once
Coming and going
We cannot do anything without hurting each other
Every person carries the pain of all the lives pressing against them, constantly awakening and mirroring their own
The world with all its life forms is set up so that we eat each other. We need each other’s hide. We need each other’s roots. We need the womb of another to come into being.
You cannot avoid this pain of coexistence. Life and death come out of our relationships. We make way for each other to pass through.
I can’t look away from the face of america. I know there are things going on elsewhere that deserve my attention but when I look in my heart all I see is the struggle going on here and what needs to happen. We’ve run ourselves so far that tit isn’t about what we want anymore. Everything rising up is a response. And I think we all know it.
I keep watching the faces of cops while the protestors shout at them. Total avoidance. This does not apply to me. How many of us can say that before this country collapses? We are a country or toddlers without parents. Whose country is this? No one seems to have taken real ownership of it. The people in “power” and the ones who support them are just children who don’t want to share their toys. They know the idea of ownership and are seeing how far it will get them. But in the hands of a child, ownership is just saying “no, this is mine.” It requires that there be someone getting denied what you have.
Once the person asking for your toy receives it, the whole game is over.
How long will this game go on, and what will be the punishment for the ones who humiliated us like this? Part of what makes the fight so exhausting is knowing that the oppressed are so much smarter than the ones holding power away from them. They have aged all this time and grown wiser.
This whole system gets by on hoarding and avoidance of loss. It does not take any amount of intelligence to hold your fist around something and not let it go. And we all look so dumb trying to open that hand.
The fight is so real in some ways but it was also made up. They wrote it. They wrote a story in which they decide who lives and who dies, and what each person is given. The earth is a resource to all who live on it, but they made it out to be otherwise. And build a monopoly on that premise. Because they constructed a physical reality around this story, we all have to play along. Even though we know our survival was not theirs to begin with.
Because I am a white woman I am on both sides of this game. I enjoy survival while also knowing the threat of its loss. And I’m always aware of the white american man I’m connected to no matter what I do to remove myself. He is there, justifying. He still won’t let go.
As white women, we like to think we can convince them. Coax the hand open. We are the counterpart to selfishness, and also (when our survival looks to be at stake) we are the defender of it.
Control has been the study of my life, all the ways I am navigating it just by existing. This world eats itself continually. It isn’t full of danger but opportunities to be confined. So much of your experience is what you allow. But there’s a paradox to it that I always find myself toying with. Because the confinements we experience are very real. We all encounter them, every life force on earth is met with trappings set up for it. And yet it seems to be our agreements to those trappings that truly bind us. This is the main interplay I sense in the world right now. And I don’t know how it all plays out. Like any paradox it can go on forever without resolution, but the use of any paradox is its unsolvability. It provides momentum – an unanswerable question that triggers the life force in us to wake up. We are more alert when we are toying with two opposite truths. It has to do with survival – the question of death presents itself in every moment that you are alive, so for your whole life you are being met with both forces and deciding where to put the friction that choice brings. All of life is triggered and propelled by these conflicting truths we’re capable of holding. So their unanswerability doesn’t phase me at all. The ending is irrelevant, it’s about the momentum.
A face turns into a mask when the wearer outgrows it
Freedom requires constant updating – freedom is a continued momentum kept by a focused and playful mind
I had to learn my captivity in order to disavow it
This is my creative process – finding traps and freeing myself from them
We give our power to what we see as powerful. If our definition of power is an image of an abuser, then we cannot be surprised when we find ourselves being abused. Why have we accepted such a narrow understanding of the thing that, if properly understood, could save us from self destruction?
Our language gets narrowed down while we aren’t watching.
When will the world come back together? There’s a language we can all understand. We take part in a silent conversation that just needs to be brought to the surface. We’re all hiding this secret we know and have built our defenses around. Every night when we sleep the walls come down, and then in the morning we reinforce them. We’re wearing the wrong armor. The two were switched out when we weren’t looking.
Making art is making boundaries. You get to determine the conversation you want to have and the way you want to reveal yourself to the world.
Speaking is also remembering. That’s why it’s so important to keep speech alive and not let ourselves talk from a place of emptiness. There’s a way of speaking that allows your voice to transmit true memory.
We talk to distract ourselves from what we’ve forgotten
SPEAKING AS THERAPY and the way kids who hear their voice reading could focus better – seeing speech for what it is could heal the world
This body is a meeting place for a decision
This moment is a meeting place for a decision
Why are so many women experiencing post partum depression and autoimmune disorders after giving birth?
Who is protecting women from trauma?
Teach me how to hold this rhythm
The image of the sphere which is the place of rhythm
The way I inhabit this space is the way
Writing is a way for you to travel while tethering yourself with every word
People who have places to go within themselves can get a lot of use from writing
All turmoil both inner and outer is an outcome of displaced control
Chaos is just the untrapping of energy – unrest comes when we haven’t released something. Groups of people all experiencing something tend to circulate energy together. There needs to be a healthy way to make conscious what’s been unconscious and bring things to light. If the way of the group is to shun its own unconsciousness and live in denial of what’s trying to surface, you’ll create basically a pressure cooker. You opt for chaos, which will hit you when you aren’t expecting it.
Every group has a form of rigidness or defensiveness that is socially accepted as rational. Defensiveness (out of defensiveness) can make itself an entire school of thought. All that combined energy that could be used to understand the group energy and help guide its direction is instead used to stifle or repress the energy that feels bad. When we divert our energy to doing that, or when we fight against the people who seem to be stirring the pot, we leave ourselves open to any kind of domination. Groups should not brace themselves against each other, just like one individual shouldn’t be his own enemy. They should brace themselves against ulterior control.
All energy needs to embrace itself, and know itself, so that what truly does not belong is easily identifiable and can be tackled in one motion. Disagreement among its own parts is not the problem of a goup – it’s something that must be understood and resolved so that everyone can free up their energy again. We exacerbate problems so much by ignoring and repressing them. Stress is not good for a body. We get nothing from the avoidance of pain.
We all know one thing. Most of us just let ourselves be taught the denial of it. By adulthood we’ve internalized our own concealment so deeply that we no longer see what we held and hten hid.
It was the joy they felt in the garden that made Adam and Eve want to cover themselves.
The power of my listening combined with total certainty of understanding
I look at things knowing I can transform them
I’m learning a gaze can be life giving
I’ve learned my water is always breaking – only this water spells urgency
I had to find the center of the wheel
From which I could reach out and meet everything
Learning your place of contact is learning your center – from the center you can move the whole wheel forward
The only way to see the world is to create space between you and it. Learning your gaze you can learn the angle from which you come at life. As you watch the world you watch yourself watching it. The life in you meeting the life outside you. We don’t get to find that until we take time and space for it. You don’t have to live in default relationship with the world. You can reset it to be the connection your life wants to make. [women i know who live on high speed without ever having had a reset, and the women whose lives break down when they havent had it, haven’t grieved – this earth will have her grieving, we will no longer punish her with our avoidance of pain]
This dynamic needs fuel. The energy of its participants. We turn this world around and around with a give and take of our choosing.
We wanted to perform labor we would not have to decide the aims of.
Even our fight is contained in the bondage of this power agreement
We have agreed that our oppressors will receive this fighting energy. Either we work for or against them, either way our energy is still theirs.
Because they have hold of our means of survival, we think their reality is real
When I look at every single thing going on in the world as a concerted effort to suppress our joy things make a lot more sense
The world learns with music and language
We made up these roles and filled them
Because we saw paintings of chris on the cross and thought his suffering was a mandate. We used him to feed our guilt. We used jesus to validate the same doctrine as the pharisees. The same enforcing voice. The limitation of life force has gone on for so long and has used many instruments.
Joy contains inherent risk
It is the open field the animal is hesitant to step into
When you look into something, you can unlock the key of it
Simplicity in language
It gives you the fundamentals with which you can build cities
I give you the voice that sees to the heart of something and distills its contents
It is how these words are put together that will walk you through what truth they are trying to communicate. You can give someone something to walk through. I write you a path – these lines are meant to be walked on, in order to be understood. I placed these words like stepping stones so you can have the experience of putting one foot here, and then here, and then here, and as you go it is not the stones but your feet that do all the connecting.
I give you simplicity so you can hear yourself in it.
I am understanding
Our agreement to be restrained
If we wanted to have something to hold ourselves to
Why could it not have been
We could have built a universal language of our pain
instead we built empires for silencing it
We do not have to see one truth
We only have to do away with
all this punishing
You can believe things are the way they are or you can believe they are the way You are
Written word
You speak what cannot be spoken
Our mouths fear saying too much
Being caught understanding
My pen is my skirt brushing the floor as my hand dances
Space around me and I am Whirling it I form slowly a center I move from the eye of this delicate storm I whipped up into being
I am one person understanding the rhythms that guide better worlds I happen to have the apparatus in me that will Birth it
I can clear any energy I want to
This is what liberation is to me
When you release one thing you can feel a surge of another. Holding on with energy is rarely the way to go. It wants to be directed (and by being directed, set free)
Steady and stable confidence
I am taking myself through this
One part of me is lost and the other is guiding I’m the one on the ground going through this obstacle course not to get to the end but to learn how to go through it I’m perfecting something and being thorough about it. But I’m doing it for the one guiding me. I go where I take myself.
You cannot know unknowns and that is not the point. Unknowns are not simply “what is not known.” the unknown is a way of opening oneself. There is a presence that teaches. It does not discern for you but calls you to discern for yourself. We call it the void or the unknown because it brings up that unknowing in ourselves. But it would be better not to project that onto this presence. It teaches you to know and not know. One part of you is blind and the other is guiding. How can you know them both? My life is this constant opening out. I designed it so i would be honed and perfected through deliberate contact with this presence. It might be better called an Oracle. I meet it every day with my entire self. We get to work conversing. It asks the questions and i search for what will be my response. Then i write it down and listen for what i still feel i do not know. In my blindness i find the me that sees. The oracle sees you both and you cannot stand before it without accepting this reality. The other truth it will show you without sparing your fear is that you learn whatever you feel capable of not yet knowing. Thus our fear of not knowing is what stands in the way of us understanding all things. What the oracle teaches is the necessary confrontation with fear – fear of not knowing (of being the self that is blind) and fear of knowing (of being the self who guides). These are the resistances that rise up, and this is for a reason : these two selves need to combine. [read for the rest of it]
Everyone who’s here was taught to be in this reality properly. Simply to be in accordance with it and transact with it. But when are we taught to learn our own reality? And actualize it? We inherit all this and think what we see is true, and that more truth can’t be found elsewhere.
There is another way to inherit the earth.
I think resetting is like a sacred woman thing. Resetting in whatever form. The type of power we’ve standardized is unrelenting. It is power because it keeps going without halt. It’s almost like you get rewarded for being as unfemale as possible.
The world is more than what we made of it
We only inherited an idea of a world
We inherit all that has been accepted into it
(resetting)
There’s this practicality in the reasoning behind everything thats very hard to pierce through. None of this is practical. We only view it that way because it’s a continuation of what’s already been done. What is efficient to this system does not matter if the system itself is not efficient.
The self destructiveness in whiteness and wealth
Whiteness became self destructiveness as soon as we accepted the wrong idea of thriving
The tunnel is shaped by imprints left on it and as we pass through, we become the other side of those impressions. We are an outcome and manifestation of them
Everything we experience and call knowledge is intergenerational
How can you see what is wrong with it when you are it?
Having a self that stands outside reality is what gives you endless power for liberation
Not rejecting reality altogether but choosing in what ways you want to interact your self with it
Claiming your self as your own
I see all this entanglement with reality and it’s not healthy. Because that shit changes
We only give ourselves the illusion it doesn’t. And so we create stagnancy, because we don’t want to experience change as loss of self
This world is not us. We just inherited it. And the ones after us will inherit our understanding of it. The gaze that holds it in focus. So in my view more than infrastructure we need to be building an understanding. Cleansing our understanding. And in order to clean something of toxins you need to remove yourself from it a bit, so you can see clearly. If you identify too much with something you’re going to do a bad job of raising real questions about it. The you who experiences this reality is the you who is going to be most susceptible to the fear that comes with changes. Having backup selves in all other realities will be helpful. Make a home for yourself everywhere. Because this world is just one place where you are having an experience.
Your self is not limited by this reality.
You do not have to fit into this tight space.
We are anxious because this reality does not make room for us and rejects many new things brought into it. We’re anxious because we have to exist as if we did not know things are wrong here.
The reality of things as they are feels stiff and rigid and like we have to live up to it. But it isn’t doctrine if you have other truth you are ready to bring into it. You can bring yourself into any space if you know the self that exists in all spaces. Theres no opposition between them if you do not accept that perceived opposition. Others may perceive you to be counter to their reality, but your belief that you are not in opposition with things can often obliterate any opposition a person or institution tries to throw your way. People believe in opposition when their reality appears to validate it. That is what you can obliterate. I’m starting to believe people are not stupid, they only need to be given permission.
We inherited this world – meaning we inherited a whole network of perceptions and relationships. More than just questioning and reworking some of those relationships, we need to rework our relationship with world as a whole. The reality of things as they are is not doctrine. And i think the push to make it so has deep roots in misogyny. When you make only one reality valid and believable, youre better able to control everyone who lives in it. And when you make their survival dependent on their ability to assimilate to that reality, you have their mind and their body in a world you can manipulate.
All rigidness is a religion. We believe in it. We find leaders for it. We think we deserve it. And worst of all we mistake it for stability
I think the lesson we’ve learned is that no one can dictate relationship for us and it cannot be escaped by ideas of hierarchy
Even those who oppressed us were afraid
They did not know what to do with all this life
Their answer was to oppress it
And we let them because we knew and understood their pain
I’m living now out of my own volition
And i see that what i speak births worlds for me
I have to accept this world without fear. I am human and so i exist in awareness of relationship. I see all this life and the way it grinds and pulls against itself. And still i find it in me to speak into it what i’m willing to surrender and be an equal part of is what i’m able to find self control and autonomy in. its a paradox i never thought i could embody and live with and every day its a conscious decision. What i limit in my world i also limit in me. And i love myself enough now to allow for all expansion.
Just because someone sees you from the outside does not mean their perception is more reasonable.
The sense of being seen guides more of our behavior than the gift of seeing. We turn it off. We don’t see anymore because seeing is not what is rewarded. People like you when you perform the act of being seen in a way that pleases or intimidates them. People like it when their respect is gained by someone else’s behavior. And we have a whole definition of beauty based on that.
As your awareness increases so does your awareness of anxiety
Animals who are prey are more anxious because they have to be more aware. Is the natural empathy/nervousness/intelligence we see in women just an adaptation we developed to know/understand/anticipate the predator?
Things make more sense after trauma. But it’s hard to point out to others what I see in the world as enforced trauma and the manifold responses to it. Trauma is how this world functions. Everything that happened to me is happening on a broad scale. What felt normal to me at the time turned out to be me making deals with a parasite. My energy was so much his that i did not see it from a place of ownership and so could not separate me from the toxin that made my system his. It wasnt my mind that got me out of it eventually as much as my body which just couldnt sustain it anymore. Only then did my thoughts become conscious. The body of this world will very quickly recognize what it can no longer sustain, and it will drop it. Healing from a parasite takes longer, but i think the physical agreement to be driven on by it will end very suddenly. Only after that will more people and whole societies see the dissonance thye held for so long but thought of as an integral part of their reality.
Without this stress, we’ll see illness on a worldwide decline.
I can feel something descending
snaking around through the air
drums beating and a woman
rising up from the ground
whatever we did that summoned her
is about to be ___________
back to us in a language
we have shunned
You have to create an environment for yourself, you have no choice
Liberation to me does not mean changing the system. It means changing the eye whose gaze holds it suspended. It means changing the way the system is inherited by those after us. Will they be taught creation’s laws, or will they accept this world as law itself and not the outcome of intention manifesting.
We are learning that things can be recreated. Not just rearranged. Not just rebranded under a new name or leader. This reality was made by exertion. Is maintained through exertion. It is breaking its back. When the gaze is not liberated the object of it is bound by the same restraints.
Fighting will only keep us here. In this reality. Rest to imagine new worlds. Learn new laws. Then start building by them. *active imagination
I give myself freedom to connect to all things I let go into this river where all things move in one direction not static movement but a movement that is formulated and acted out within every moment
I create my own doubt just like I create my belief. I am my own religion now. I create my own laws and outcomes.
I decide if I am moving and how freely (healing from religion, “The main technique of restricting a woman’s right to pleasure is to make her fear her own body” (from politics of pleasure)
I see myself now from inside a glass ball through crystal I am directing music things sing to me asking me to help them sing together
I become an instrument that harmonizes all others
******* I cleared way for this. I am on another level now that I have dug my way through the walls reality built for me. I was in reality but now I am in the one I am creating. Outside of reality there is empty space waiting to be developed into the dimension of reality. We have to learn our way out of the prebuilt one so we can learn how it is built. And then build one ourselves.
My search for worthiness and self assurance cannot override my search for the next layer. To remember my worth I have to remember the bigger search I am on. My mind simply wants the feeling of searching. So why not be on a search of my own active navigation.
Truth needs this distillery
What I’m doing is filling, unfilling, and being filled again with the next thing
I empty myself completely into this
And see if it will keep bringing more in return for me
The biggest thing I know about humanity is we learn through work and playing
We didn’t set up reminders for ourselves – we have to set them in place for the ones who inherit this
When we heal the narcissist we heal everyone – we create safe connection
All we need is safe connection – and narcissism is one symptom of a disease we all have carried
Our mind/heart split
We are learning whether we want opposition or are just dependent on it
It all seeks intersection (dosidomifa song)
Bodies seek immolation
which will bring us back to life in greater vividness
^tie this into death, dying many times over
With these words
I find foreignness
And create familiarity
(language as distance and the closing of it)
Nothing can be terrifying. The artist cannot hate herself. [how can a creator hate her world?]
This is the part where we learn that laws of nature do not necessitate religion or constant punishing
We overcorrected and we’re starting to see that the tension we’ve held is not natural and it is not mandated by those better or more knowledgeable than us. We can love life. And see it as a space in which to move freely. The grief is that we let ourselves be convinced of things that hurt us. And we lost our childhood for it.
I’m here for this unleashing – the ultimate creative risk – us trusting that we wrote this story and are just acting out the living of it and filling out its details and color. We decide whether we will move freely in this or act our of someone else’s control. We can fixate on what overwhelms us or we can hold it in a trance and move with it.
Nothing is foreign or ugly to us. We know al these materials. We will learn all their laws and not kill ourselves overthem anymore. We have been acting out a dream of suffering and righteousness. We all directed it where we wanted to, toward others or toward ourselves. I am understanding now that what I thought was evil was just a habit of suffering which invited evil. Exploitation is suffering. And it is permitted by suffering. When you subjugate another you are role playing the subjugation of yourself. We all know the self and we treat it the way we feel we deserve. This world scares us. We regimented it. We did what we could to make it feel safer. I don’t blame us anymore. I’ve gone months and years acting as my own autocrat. Harming my world with insistence. At the time I knew no other way. Maybe when christ came we took what he said in love and used it to punish ourselves out of fear. Maybe he taught us life but did not teach us how we can lovingly guide ourselves through it. You can love one another all you want and still hate yourself. Which leaves the door open to every form of punishing.
I see us right now. None of us want to be here.
Why did we create such unlivable conditions for so many beautiful people. Why did we not take beauty and run with it.
I see our heart. We have something lodged here.
And we hold it here because we think we deserve it.
The world can be anything. One set of materials can make completely different things, depending on the relationships that are established between them. I am learning the laws of things, so I can create worlds by them.
The global food network was not made to teach people how to gather their own sustenance–the outcome is that we fear foraging, we fear self sufficiency and we fear the world that feeds us. We need this separation
This machine runs on addiction
Machines by their nature make us reliant on them
Reality validates. But it also teaches. And often what is being validated is only what is being taught.
Religion makes itself needed by understanding our needs and filling them while inserting its aims into them. So as we eat what it gives us, we are not only receiving the sustenance we need, we are also eating what they intentionally put into it. Understand what you need and fill it without reliance upon those who have built a system to feed you only halfway.
Some people who say they want to help you actually just want you to depend on them for help.
