Micah Flashcards by Lyla Price

cue -(O Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat!

mine- I don’t know. Aren’t you a little tired of cat videos?

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cue-No! What kind of a horrible question is that?

mine- I don’t know. There’s just so many of them.

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cue- How would I ever get tired of seeing cats do incredible and/or stupid things. I mean, this is an amazing age we live in. Can you imagine what it must have been like 30 years ago? A cat would box! Their owner would just be like, “That’s cool, I’ll just keep this amazing boxing cat to myself. No need to share it with the rest of the world.” And then like… we just would never get to see it.

mine-I guess that’s true.

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cue-micah

mine-Yeah! (To TAYLOR:) Hold on a sec, my mom’s calling me. Minimize windows!

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cue-What are you doing? I thought you said you were working on your Great Gatsby paper.

mine- I am.

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cue- Well, it doesn’t look like you’re doing that?

mine-Mom. Look, I have one paragraph left to write. It’ll take me like two minutes and then I’m done.

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cue-Well, you only have 45 minutes before you have to leave for school. Are you sure it’ll take you “two minutes”? Because last time-

mine-Okay, yah, fine. I will.Mom, I swear, I know exactly what I’m going to write. I promise.

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cue- Fine. But I want to see it before you leave for school. So turn off your browser and get to work.

mine- But what if I need to look up something?

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cue- I don’t know… I guess you can turn it on for as long as that takes you to look up a specific article, but otherwise I want you to turn it off. Understood? (MOM walks offstage. MICAH huffs.)

mine- Maximize window! (Lights up on TAYLOR, still at his computer.) Hey, I gotta go. Mom’s being really annoying about this Gatsby paper.

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cue- Alright, I’ll see ya later. Oh, hey, I’m thinking of making a meme out of Boxing Cat, so if you have any good meme headings let me know. I’m thinking of “This cat likes to PUNCH!”

mine- I don’t think that makes sense.

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cue- Micah, it’s the internet. To be successful you don’t have to “make sense” as long as what you’re doing is loud and repetitive.

mine- Yeah, okay. Well, I guess it will go viral then. Bye. Close window! Turn off wifi! (The lights go out on TAYLOR.)

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new scene

mine- Alright, three more sentences. Here (MICAH takes a deep breath, then starts typing.) (Typing while talking:) In the end, Jay Gatsby never did get what he wanted, his precious and elusive… light. (Stops to think.) Shoot, what color was that light? Blue? The book cover’s blue. (Typing:) His precious and elusive blue light. (Thinking:) It’s not blue. Darn it. It’s… it’s…wifi on!

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cue Welcome to Google, where we have everything you could ever want forever plus more. Would you like a search engine? Email? Calendar? Cloud computing? A terrible social media platform

mine-No, take me to Wikipedia.

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cue-Hey, you’re back. Did you finish your essay?

mine-Hey, you’re back. Did you finish your essay?

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cue- What light?

mine- The… light. The light that haunts Jay Gatsby. Daisy’s light. I can’t remember what color it is, and I know Mr. Fishbine will knock off points if I get its color wrong so..

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cue- New York. 1922. The tempo of the city had changed sharply. The buildings were higher. The parties were morals were looser. And the liquor was cheaper.

mine-No! No more cat videos! I have to work. Close now!
(Lights out on CATSBY.)

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cue-That cat just recited The Great Gatsby in perfect English. How are you not impressed by that!?!

mine- Taylor, I’m sure the cat didn’t actually just talk. His mouth was probably animated-

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cue- AngryChickenNugget229 said that it was real!

mine- Oh, well if AngryChickenNugget229 says it’s true-

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cue-Micah! He has like 30,000 followers on Twitter. He’s a legit influencer with-

mine- Taylor, I can’t argue with you right now. I just have to finish this, so can we talk later?

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cue-

mine-

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cue-Just DM again when you’re done.

mine-Maximize Wikipedia! (Lights back up on WIKIPEDIA.)

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cue-Hi, welcome to Wikipedia, a collaboratively edited, multilingual, free-access, free content internet encyclopedia. Wikipedia is a mostly reliable resource!

mine-Hi. So, what color is the light in The Great Gatsby?

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cue- Hmmm… Not found. Contents for The Great Gatsby. 1.1. Historical context. 2. Plot summary. 2.1. Major characters. 3. Themes.

mine-Never mind, this will take too long. Control F Search for: Light.

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cue-Gatsby spends many nights staring at the green light at the end of her dock, across the bay from his mansion. The color of the light is green due Daisy’s romantic attraction to Kermit the Frog, of The Muppets and Sesame Street fame. In chapter five she insists-

mine-Green! Okay, that’s all I needed. Thanks! Wifi off and- wait. Kermit the Frog? What was that? Kermit the Frog wasn’t in The Great Gatsby.

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cue-Uh-oh! Looks like you found a Woopsipedia. Wikipedia believes anyone should be allowed to edit and contribute to the articles on our website. However, this can occasionally lead to errors as we encourage people like this to participate.

mine-Oh my god. You were the main source for my essay?!

cue-Yes, I know. Studies have shown that over 90 percent of high school students use Wikipedia as a source for their research papers, which quite frankly is terrifying.

mine-Well, I better go to a different source to make sure the light is green. Close Wikipedia.

cue- Hi. Welcome back to Google! Still your best and easiest option for searching the web, playing a movie, and getting your picture taken without permission. How can I Google your day?

mine-Uh... just a search engine. Thanks.

cue-Wonderful. Search for anything and everything you could ever possibly want with no strings attached (Quickly, as if reading side effects from a prescription drug:) except that I’m storing every search you do and am selling it to marketing companies and the NSA.

mine- I’m sorry, what?\

cue- Nothing! What can I help you search for? Bet you I know what you want before you do.

mine-The Gr—

cue-The Green Mile? The Grinch? The Grapes of Wrath?

mine-No! Just wait. The Great—

cue-The Greatest Show on Earth. The Great Depression. The Great Santini.

mine- No! The Great Ga—

cue-The Great Gabby! The Great Galveston Texas!

mine-The Great Gatsby!

cue-The Great Gatsby! First try!

mine-No wait! Not just The Great Gatsby! The Great Gatsby light color question mark.

cue- The Great Gatsby light color? Results: from Shmoop.com

mine- Schoop.com? What is that?

cue- It appears to be a site that has a lot of information on books.

mine-: It sounds like it might be an illegal site. If I click on this am I going to be flooded with creepy click ads?

cue-Google prides itself on mostly knowing which sites will give your computer a virus. So go ahead and click it.

mine- Okay, that’s kind of reassuring… Click on shmoop.com.

cue- Hey, heard you’re into green lights. At Lights.com we have a wide variety of lights for you to choose from. Including green! Click me!

mine-Oh, for the... I just typed that! How did these ads find me so quickly? (Lights up on two CLICK ADS stage left.)

cue- I don’t know. It’s probably a coincidence. (Fast:) There are no coincidences there is only Google. Accept that we know everything about you and your life will be infinitely better.

mine- What?

cue-Nothing! Never mind. Hey Taylor just messaged you. Would you like to see it?

mine-That’s a great idea. Thanks!

cue- Yeah. But if she doesn’t get back with you right away, remember she does that make-up tutorial show. She’s probably recording.

mine-What Rachel Tundry does a make-up tutorial show?

cue-Yeah, and they are VERY intense. She has a lot of energy…. A LOT.

mine-Alright, Well, I’m going to try. Minimize Taylor. FaceTime Rachel.

cue-Which is why if you truly want to blanch out the tones of your crease, you’ll get a nice bake that won’t look too smokey. Oh! Looks like we have a special guest today on Rachel’s Tuesday No Blotch Corner. It’s Micah Burke!

mine-Uh, what? What do you mean I’m on your show?

cue- Micah it is so great and smooth of you to be joining us today. As you know, Tuesdays are the days when I’ll allow anyone to Facetime in for a free makeup sesh. And clearly no one needs a makeover more than Micah. We’re going to take you from base to face to shmace!

mine- What? I don’t need make-up and what even is schmace?

cue- Having a “schmace” means that your makeup game is on point. And using my patented medium foundation, glitter injections, I am going to show how to maintain a fierce, original shmace look that can be done in 15-75 minutes every morning.

mine-Well, as honored as I am to be on your show can we… not be on it. I just want to ask a question.

cue-But Micah, you are so in need of some practical, extreme tips to your face on schmace, Because honestly, and I know this is kind of harsh, you are just so far from schmace right now. It’s kinda depressing…like clinically depressing

mine-: Well, that’s because I don’t have any make-up on. It’s 7:20 in the morning.

cue- No excuses Micah! Rule number 17 of Rachel’s guide to no blotch: if you’re going to show your face on a screen, you must look clean… not all strained and blotchy and weird like you look right now.

mine-I don’t look weird.

cue-No! Micah! Don’t say that! Because trust me you do look weird and saying you don’t look weird is rude and offensive to the legion of Rachel Schmace fans who watch my videos everyday.

mine- But you just said I looked weird! That’s actually very offerensive to me.

cue-See! You have to at least let me give you a 5-minute tutorial on base. It will make you shmace enough so that it won’t be so embarrassing.

mine- No! Forget it! All I wanted was a Great Gatbsy quote but your are too self-absorbed to even let me speak for five minutes…so I don’t care anymore. I’ll find it somewhere else. Close Facetime!No!!! My mom was right, I’m never getting this done unless I turn off the internet. Wifi off!

cue- Micah!

mine-Hey, what?

cue-What do you mean “what”? Are you done with your report yet? You have to leave in...twelve minutes.

mine- I know. Sorry. I...couldn’t remember what color the light was in The Great Gatsby. So I went online to Wikipedia, but then I wasn’t sure if Wikipedia was accurate, so I went on Google, and then these ads—

cue-Just wrap it up. You’ve been late six times this month and I’m sick of it. Shut off the wifi, and get it done.

mine- In the end, Jay Gatsby never did get what he wanted, his precious and elusive green light. He believed there could be a life better than he had at that time, and so he was always reaching, always looking—

cue- Micah, where’d you go?

mine- I told you, I have this paper to finish.

cue-Well you have to get back online. Now. Jenny and Mark just broke up.

mine- Oh god, not again. The last time they broke up they were so dramatic about it.

cue- I know. So go online and like both their statuses before they think you’ve taken a side.

mine- I have like one sentence left to write. Do I really have to do this now?

cue-Yes! You do. You know how Jenny and Mark are. They are sad soulless people who only find personal worth in status likes. Do it now unless you want to get on their bad side.

mine-Ah! Fine! (MICAH hangs up the phone. Lights down on TAYLOR.) MICAH. Wifi on! Go to Facebook!

cue-Hey, hey. You’re on Facebook. Who do you wanna look at? ’Cause you can look at anyone. Ex-boyfriends. Crushes. Celebrities. Look at all their pictures. Look at what they’re saying. Look at ’em all the time. You wanna see babies? Everyone posts pictures of their babies on here.

mine- Ah, gross. You know, this is the reason I don’t go on Facebook anymore.

cue-Yeah, but you haven’t ended your account have you? No... You haven’t, ’cause you like to look sometimes. Looky looky.

mine-Okay, just...show me Jenny Shumer’s page please.

cue- Yeah. Jenny, no problem. She posts all kinds of pictures.

mine-Just give me her page ya creep!

cue-Facebook status: Thank you all to all my true friends who liked my new status. It gives me strength and a well of fortitude during this incredibly traumatic time for me. Just remember, “you are beautiful, in every single way. No words will bring you down.” Christina Aguilera. Not only is she a singing contest judge, she’s also a poet for my soul.

mine- Uh. Gross, Jenny. (Giving a command:) Like! (Summoning FACEBOOK:)

cue-Yeah...what else you wanna look at? You don’t even have to tell nobody you’re lookin’ at them, you can just look and be like “Mmm...I like your picture.”

mine-No! Bleh, you’re so disgusting! Just give me Mark Nutter. Thank you.

cue- Status update: Dark days guys. Dark days. The Cure once said, “Boys Don’t Cry.” Well they do today. They so do today. I appreciate the support I’ve gotten from everyone, so much. You’ll never truly know what your words have meant to me.

mine- God, you guys are the worst. Like! And...

cue- Message from Jenny: Hey Micah, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your Like. You have no idea what it’s been like these past few hours.

mine- Oh...come on! (To JENNY:) To Jenny: No problem. I’m sure you’ll get through it, but I know it must be tough.

cue-Message from Mark.

mine- No!

cue- Hey M. You have no idea how much I appreciated that Like. My heart has literally been in pieces this morning.

mine-o Mark: Well, I hope that’s not literally true as I think you’d be dead. But I get what you mean. Hang in there, you’re a great guy.

cue-o Mark: Well, I hope that’s not literally true as I think you’d be dead. But I get what you mean. Hang in there, you’re a great guy.

mine- Do either of you know what literally means? (Typing:) To Jenny: Wow, it must be really bad then. Hang in there, you’ll get through it.

cue-That’s some really solid advice. Literally, thank you so much. Hey, if you’re not doing anything tomorrow a bunch of us are hanging out at my pool. Nothing too crazy. Just a solid support group to help me through this incredibly difficult time.

mine-No...stop...

cue- It would literally mean so much if you would come.

mine- Aaaaahhhh... To Mark and Jenny: Sorry, I’m literally grounded. But hopefully we’ll hang soon! Close window! Close window!

cue-Wait, wait, wait! You can’t leave. Look at all the links to articles you could read. Look at all these videos, and pictures, and birthdays people are having!

mine- I can’t! I’m gonna be late for school!

cue-. Taylor just sent you an invite! And you know Taylor gets mad when you don’t respond to his invites.

mine Fine! Show me the invite. (Beat. Lights up stage right on TAYLOR.)

cue-Hey, Taylor just invited you to play “Knock Grandma Off Her Chair. Pig Version.”

mine- What? What is that?

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