MFT Flashcards
Intimacy means we can be who we are in a relationship and allow the other to do the same. What does it mean to be who we are?
It requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us.
That we can take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues.
That we can clarify the limits of what is tolerable and acceptable to us in a relationship.
We do not betray, silence, sacrifice or set aside the self in service of achieving harmony in the system, i.e. asserting the ‘‘I’’ does not threaten the survival of the relationship or integrity of the family.
Intimacy means we can be who we are in a relationship and allow the other to do the same. What does it mean that we allow the other person to do the same?
It means that we can stay emotionally connected to the other party , who thinks feels and believes differently, without needing to change, convince or fix the other.
The other does not need to betray, silence or sacrifice NB parts of themselves in service of the relationship.
Allow them to be who they are independent of our needs. (need for love, support, validation, protection, stability, prestige, recognition, power, need for freedom from guilt)
OF course learning what others want and expect is part of maturation. However it is the covert, unconscious communications-those outside awareness of both sender and receiver that carry the most neg power
How then do we approach the task of carving out a a clear and authentic self free from the myriad of mixed messages (cover-overt) and injunctions that surround us from cradle to grave?
Simply put it means we can be mostly who we are in relationships rather than what others wish, need and expect us to be. And allow others to do the same. We do not participate in relationships at the expense of the ‘‘I” and we do not bolster’‘I’’ at the expense of others. As simple as this sounds its translation into action is enormously complex
We do know that their is a price to pay when we betray or sacrifice the self, when too much of the self becomes negotiable under relationship pressures. What might that price be?
Chronic anger, resentment, bitterness, feelings of depression, , anxiety, low self esteem, self hatred. Sexual or work inhibition, , physical complaints, etc etc
There is a concomitant price to be paid when we do change?
Change in relationship dynamics,= pressure to revert back, pressure on those around us to change, disruption of equilibrium.
Resistance to change for the better is complicated and can lie in deep rooted family issue. Explain?
Our behaviour might reflect a role we assumed in our family of origin. This role might have served what we saw as a critical function at the time.
Behavioural and emotional patterns develop in families in order to diffuse anxiety. What happens when anxiety is high enough or lasts long enough or when we become fused?
We get locked into rigid and extreme/polarized positions.
THe relationship becomes stuck and we have difficulty finding creative new options (we can only see one side) including recognizing our own part in the problem. THe very things that we do to reduce the anxiety usually keep the old pattern going.
Often the actual source of the anxiety may be unclear or difficult for us to focus on and process.
We might overfocus or become intensely responsible for others reactions (too much closeness) or withdraw and loose intimacy because we cannot get to know the other (too much distance)
When this kind of stalemate occurs we dont work directly on the problem we work on the ‘‘I’’ or on more of a self. What could this entail for the therapist. ?
- Facilitate awareness of how the emotional system functions
- increase levels of differentiation where the focus is on making changes for the self rather than trying to change others or focus directly on conflicts.
THis 2nd point includes Present a balanced picture of both strengths and our vulnerabilities.
Function autonomously by making self directed choices.
Make clear statements of beliefs, values and priorities, and then keep behaviours congruent with these.
stay emotionally connected to significant others even when things get pretty intense.
address difficult and painful issues and take a position on matters important to us.
state differences and allow others to do the same.
HOw do we behacve when we are fused?
We react immediately(knee jerk, reflexive) to the perceived demands of the other without being able to think through choices or talk directly with the other.
Energy is invested in taking things personally (insuring the emotional comfort of the other) or in distancing oneself (insuring ones own)
Explain what happens when attachment figures are not reliably available and supportive , the sense of security is not attained.
Negative working models of self and others are formed and secondary strategies (hyper activation and deactivation) of affect regulation come into play. Hyper activation is characterized by energetic, insistent attempts to get a relationship partner, viewed as insufficiently available or unsupportive, to pay more attention and provide better care and support. Strategies include clinging, controlling, and coercive responses, cognitive and behavioral efforts to establish physical contact and sense of oneness. And over dependence on relationship partners as a source of protection. Hyper activation keeps the attachment system chronically activated and constantly on the alert for threats, separations and betrayal. It therefore unintentionally exacerbates relational conflict, heightens distress associated with attachment figure unavailability and reinforces doubts about ones ability to attain a sense of security
Explain deactivation of the attachment system
It refers to inhibition of proximity seeking inclinations and actions, suppression or discounting of threats that might activate the attachment system and a determination handle stresses alone. (Compulsive self reliance) these strategies involve maintaining physical and emotional distance from others. Brings uncomfortable with intimacy and interdependence , ignoring or downplaying threat and attachment related cues and suppressing threat and attachment related thoughts
