Lines Flashcards
Top of show
Hey there, gumshoes! How are we doing tonight? Great! I’m doing absolutely peachy, myself! Oh why, do you ask? Well, if you don’t know me, I’m Amy O’Neil, girl detective! I’m known for solving mysteries with my keen observational skills, my powers of deduction, and my encyclopedic knowledge of online gay drama.
With these things, and my trusty magnifying glass, I’ve solved cases all over the world! From the pup-napping at Pride to the filching at Folsom, I’ve cracked the LGBTQ community’s toughest cases. So why am I doing so peachy? Well gumshoes, there’s nothing a girl detective loves more than a good mystery. And let me tell you: This case I’ve got might just be my toughest one yet. But don’t worry, gumshoes: If we keep our wits, hang on to our magnifying glasses, and remember to look out for each other, I know we’ll be able to solve this caper lickity split. And you can hold me to that– it’s a girl detective’s promise. So, are you excited? Great! Well then, everybody! Let’s all grab our notepads, put on our thinking caps, and get ready to solve: The Case of the Missing Dolls.
(music fades)
AMY: But first, it’s important that we’re all on the same page. We’re trying to solve the Case of the Missing Dolls. So tell me, do YOU know what a doll is? Clap if you know what a doll is!
Clap reaction
Well, ok! Let’s do a little refresher, just in case. You see, a doll is a kind of girl. A very special kind of girl. For starters, a doll will usually be a little on the taller side. She might have a beautifully husky voice, an enchanting jawline, and a dazzling selection of combat jackets. Dolls also have a wide variety of interests. A doll might like rock climbing, role-playing video games, or even poppers! Some even like all three. So, gumshoes, do YOU know the kind of girl I’m talking about? Clap if you know the kind of girl I’m talking about!
applause
Great! Now, before we begin, I have a bit of a confession to make. You see, I hope I’m not pitting girls against each other by saying this, but out of all the girls in the world, I love the dolls the most. And that’s pretty good news for me, because (looking both ways, whispering) I am a doll! Although, I actually don’t really know that many dolls in real life. But I did meet a doll today! She was the girl who handed me the case this morning, the one I’m gonna need your help on. Wait a second. I’m realizing that I never told you what happened this morning, did I? Let’s rewind a bit.
Noir music
The place: The bustling big city streets of Wooster, Ohio. The year: nineteenfifty- I mean 2024. The cigar of choice: Ballpoint pen. The unlucky sap: Yours truly. You see, I was up all night, pondering some cold cases. Cases like: Where is Amelia Earheart? Who really was Jack the Ripper? And how many rotating cubes do you have to picture in your head to be considered legally male? Because gumshoes, I love mysteries. I love mysteries like the sun loves the moon, like the bees love the flowers, and like the rain loves the asphalt. I chase mysteries the way a dog chases a cat and the way a queer influencer chases respectability. And when I get my hands on a good mystery I hold onto it the way a g-man holds onto uranium. And it was just my luck too, because a new mystery fell into my lap with a knock on the office door.
Banging sound effect
The knock was louder than a coward at the mccarthy hearings. I looked around, rattled! But before I knew it, before I could even blink, almost by apparition– the most beautiful doll I’ve ever laid eyes on was sitting at my desk.
the most beautiful doll I’ve ever laid eyes on was sitting at my desk.
You’re Amy O’Neil, right? The world-famous girl detective?
You’re Amy O’Neil, right? The world-famous girl detective?
Now, let me give you a free detective tip, gumshoes. When you’re solving a mystery, you never want to let your guard down around anyone. Anybody could be the culprit, so that means everybody has to be a suspect, no matter how nice they seem. So look closely at what happens next: I want to show you how a girl detective keeps her wits about her, no matter who she’s talking to.
I want to show you how a girl detective keeps her wits about her, no matter who she’s talking to.
You’re pretty.
You’re pretty.
The doll explained to me that she was a nice girl done bad by a screwed up world. She told me that she tried to do right by the men in her life, but they would always leave sooner or later. Men would always tell her they felt trapped by her, when all she ever wanted to do was to give them her heart. I felt rotten that such a nice girl was made out to be someone so nefarious. But, sadly, the life of a doll isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Which brings us to her business for meeting with me.
Which brings us to her business for meeting with me.
I’ve been keeping track of something for a little while now. See, I think something’s happening to dolls as of late. They’ve been disappearing. Or, to put a finer point on it, we’ve been disappearing. Now I’ve been looking into these disappearances: some, the police file as murders. Others, they say the doll skipped town. But I know these disappearances are connected, I can feel it in the cracked-up, beaten-down thing I call a heart. I’ve tried solving this mystery myself, but I’m no girl detective. I’m afraid I’m just a broken doll, one who’s spent too much time peeking through the playroom windows. And not enough time looking at the door. (she pulls a manilla envelope out of her jacket). I’d like to hand this case over to you, Mrs. O’Neil. Would you do that for me? Would you carry my burden?
Would you carry my burden?
Sure. (aside) I took her envelope. I reached into my desk to put it away, but when I sat back up – the doll had vanished. Just as quickly as she came into my life, she was gone and out the door.
(Noir music fades)
Which brings us to now. She left a case for us full of missing dolls. So I think what we should do is go through each doll’s disappearance one by one. If we look closely, I know we’ll find a connection. (Reaches into envelope, pulls out first paper) Huh. This can’t be right. This is MaddieDebates. (Silence) MaddieDebates? (Silence) You guys know MaddieDebates, right? (More silence) Wow, really? MaddieDebates is a legend among dolls, a legend in the whole LGBTQia community. Back in the day, she would make these three hour videos about why it was rational to support dolls, or even rational to be a doll yourself! I used to love her videos back in the day. She would always start by showing a video clip of some really awful conservative.
She would always start by showing a video clip of some really awful conservative.
So this is just another example of why these dolls or so-called women are not true biological females. I have in front of me an online post written by one of the dolls. Let me read it now. It reads “Slonking on her d-word”– D word is genitalia. “Slonking on her d-word silly style until she ejack–” well, as you can see it gets more, um, graphic, from there. Now the obvious lewdness of that post aside– thirty thousand likes on that post, by the way really shows where we are as a society– it shows that dolls are not biological females. Because unlike what this post seems to claim, it’s a basic fact that women, as we all know, do not have sex for pleasure. My wife has confirmed this for me many times.
My wife has confirmed this for me many times.
And then, once she set up her opponent as a real villain, she would use critical analysis to knock him down. She could always out-logic the logic boys, and beat them at their own game.
She could always out-logic the logic boys, and beat them at their own game.
Well, you know, I know that I’m the depraved sexual pervert over here, so take this with a grain of salt, but I have to think that organizing your entire sense of politics around the sex you’re having is an act of libatious hedonism so debaucherous that it would make the Marquis de Sade himself wet with jealousy. Now, my sweets, in a vain attempt to focus on just one thing in that absolute gift of a block quote, let’s begin with an analysis of how heteronormativity has been used to control women’s reproductive habits since the middle ages.
let’s begin with an analysis of how heteronormativity has been used to control women’s reproductive habits since the middle ages.
Now, maybe that doesn’t seem like much today, but that’s only because of how influential MaddieDebates was. We’re used to hour-long gender seminars on the internet today. But back then, the only videos on gender were about how feminism was destroying video games by giving female characters emotions. At the time, Maddie was an inspiration. She fought the worst people on the internet and won, with nothing more than her wit and a camera. Her videos were what made me want to become a girl detective in the first place. (Beat.) And I guess she’s gone missing.
(knocking sound effect plays)
Hello? (Silence.) Anybody out there? (Silence.) Never mind. You know, I haven’t watched a MaddieDebates video in a couple of years. Let’s see if there’s anything in her file that might give us some clues. Huh. It says here that back in 2021 there was an online controversy around MaddieDebates. It had something to do with comments she made on a livestream all the way back in 2017.
It had something to do with comments she made on a livestream all the way back in 2017.
–yeah. No, yeah. And so basically what I’m trying to do is recognize that like, hey. Most people are not going to immediately know what being trans is, right. So what I’m trying to do with the channel is try to come up with, you know, well researched, nuanced arguments about what being transgender is to people who might be skeptical. And to me, there are a lot better arguments to make than, you know, “ I’m not a man because I don’t identify as a man.” Everything based off of, “well, I identify as this so I’m valid” seems very flimsy to me.
Everything based off of, “well, I identify as this so I’m valid” seems very flimsy to me.
It’s hard, telling everybody you’re a doll. You want to prove yourself, and try to come up with reason after reason why it makes sense to be this way. I get wanting to justify your existence, but it usually gets you or other people hurt. Gumshoes, I don’t want to waste all my time justifying why I exist. Instead, I want to make the world see me for who I am. (Beat.) So apparently when that video resurfaced, people . . . people didn’t take it well. They were calling Maddie a bigot, a traitor, a bootlicker. Somebody even compared her to George Bush. People started threatening her, doxxing her, calling her by a . . . different name. She ended up deleting all her social media, and I can see why. I think Maddie was getting a lot of her support from people online, and, well, can I say something maybe controversial? (This seems genuinely radical to her.) I think that sometimes, people online can get really, really upset over things that aren’t really a big deal. That’s just a theory though. Still, it’s why I don’t go online that much. And why I’m lucky that you guys are my friends. Anyway, with her social media taken down, no one heard from her until she released a response video a few months later.
no one heard from her until she released a response video a few months later.
You know, it’s funny. For the last 5 years, I have been getting harassed, doxxed, and had my life threatened almost daily. I have transitioned, very publicly, on the internet. I thought I developed a thick skin for this kind of thing. But it’s easy to dismiss the harassment when it’s coming from alt right shitheels and image board nazis. It’s a lot harder when the call is coming from inside the house. (Beat.) In just a few months, the online left has succeeded in doing what the incels never could: They ostracized me from my own community. They dragged me, kicking and screaming out of the only home I’ve ever really had. And locked the door behind me.
They dragged me, kicking and screaming out of the only home I’ve ever really had. And locked the door behind me.
Following the release of her video, Maddiedebates made the rounds on the left wing podcast circuit, where hosts would bring her on to talk about cancel culture. The last podcast she did was in January of 2022. She hasn’t been seen since.
She hasn’t been seen since.
You know, gumshoes, I’m stumped. Maddie’s last video had millions of views. She was still famous and influential online. It’s not like she didn’t have anything left. So what happened? What made her disappear? Let’s take a look at the suspects.
(AMY goes over to the whiteboard and begins writing down suspect’s names as she says them aloud.)
I think that the most obvious suspects are the people she upset. The file mentioned a few accounts on social media that did a lot of the posting. We’ve got (writing) “@wegohigh”…… “@terfpuncher3000”….”@blowjobsbob”…….. And then I think we need to put “podcasters” down as a suspect too, they were the last ones to see Maddiedebates. (A beat.) The “awful conservatives” should also be a suspect, they’re had it in for Maddie forever. Who else? (Another beat, longer. Then excitement– she’s busted this case wide open.) Oh, I know! He was in the case file! Right in front of our noses! (AMY quickly writes “George Bush” on the whiteboard. She’s excited for a second, but it quickly fades. It’s not him.) Well, ok, maybe not. Still though, who could it be? This is everyone listed in the file. Who else could have made her disappear?
(AMY stares at the whiteboard for a short while. Then, slowly, reluctantly, almost unwillingly, she writes “MaddieDebates” on the suspect list.)
I’ll be honest, gumshoes, I’m not sure about any of these suspects. These social media accounts might have been the loudest voices, but there were hundreds of people online that were angry at Maddie. I don’t think any one of them is the mastermind. Besides, most of the people mad at her were feminists. The awful conservatives definitely have the motive, but Maddie said it wasn’t them in her response video. It could be the podcasters…. No, actually, I don’t think a podcaster could pull this off. So unless Maddie did this herself….
So unless Maddie did this herself….
Let’s look at the next file. It might help us make sense of this one. (pulls out file out of the envelope). Oh no. Oh no no no. This is Sofia Castro. (silence) No, no, no. You guys know Sofia Castro. (silence) Really? She was one of the founding members of the gay equality alliance. She gave that famous “gay power” speech in 1974? In the 60s she planned over 30 demonstrations by herself. She’s one of the mothers of the ENTIRE community. No, no, I don’t accept this. One of the most famous dolls in history can’t just disappear without a trace. You know what?
Castro Center, empowering women to live their most intersectional lives. How can I help you?
Hi, I was wondering–
Oh! I’m sorry, sir. Would you like me to connect you to our ally hotline?
Um, no, I’m a girl. I’m actually–
Oh, right, of course! (like she’s reading from a script with really small font.) My pronouns are–
Oh, it’s fine–
