Lecture 5 - Unrequited Love and the importance of disengaging from unattainable goals Flashcards
How do we disengage from valued goals and find new goals?
The Goal Action Sequence:
1- Selection (of goals)
2- Engagement… implementation intentions, autonomous goal, autonomy support. Directive support has a nul effect (except it has a negative effect between parents and children and in hetero romantic relationships about health/weight related goals)
3- Disengagement
Give examples relevant to students:
-Cannot continue with sport or musical activity;
-Cannot continue with desired career goal
Idealized in western society to try again, not to give up
Goal Adjustment and Quality of Life
At times it may not be possible to make further progress toward a desired goal because the goal itself is unattainable.
Surveys indicate at least one important unattainable goal each year.
Examples: relationship separation; parenting.
Carsten Wrosch Proposal (2007):
“The notion that persistence is essential for success and happiness is deeply embedded in popular and scientific writings. However, when people are faced with situations in which they cannot realize a key life goal, the most adaptive response for mental and physical health may be to disengage from that goal.”
The Goal Adjustment Model (Wrosch)
1- Opportunities for success?
A) Good… Continued effort and goal commitment…goal pursuit
B) Poor… Disengage and engage in other goals…. Goal pursuit
2- Goal pursuit… difficulty with goal attainment? Ask question 1- again
Goal disengagement… reduces negative aspects of well-being… biological and physical health
Goal reengagement…. increases positive aspects of well-being
What is goal adjustment?
1- Disengagement from unattainable goals………… prevents accumulated failure experience
-reduction of effort
-withdrawal of commitment
2- Reengagement in alternative goals…. Creates purpose in life
-identification of goals
-commitment to goals
-pursuit of goals
See Wrosch’s goal adjustment scale
According to prof, not just about personality and trait: depends more on the type of goal and the person (ex: for some, easier to disengage in academic than relationship goal)
Negative Affect Across Semester by Goal Disengagement
Disengaging from goal over time = reduced emotional upset, reduced health problems, better sleep efficiency
*see out comes of goal adjustment
Unrequited love
Unrequited love:
Why does unrequited love occur and how is it experienced by the would-be-lover and the rejecter? Breaking Hearts, Baumeister & Wortman
Definition
Romantic, passionate love that is felt by one person toward another person who feels substantially less attraction toward the lover (A relationship that fails to form).
Description of Study (Baumeister & Wortman)
College students asked to provide detailed narrative accounts of a powerful experience of unrequited love. (95% of uni students could)
Each person was asked to recall a case in which they were the would-be-lover and one in which they were the rejecter.(+50% could remember being in each role)
Why does unrequited love happen?
Why it happens?
Falling Upward… becoming romantically attracted to someone who is at a higher level of attractiveness (mainly looks, but also how carry yourself, how dress yourself, voice…). Out of our league.
Intrusion of romantic feelings into a platonic friendship. Often just one of the pair. Usually less attractive one falls for more attractive one.
Transition from casual dating to serious, possibly exclusive romance…. Not on the same page. One person more excited and involved than the other. Again usually the less attractive falls for the most…
Not mutually exclusive
Example of prof and attractive girl in grade and attractive guy in grade
Most people in married couples around the same level of attractiveness
Average Joes in Hawaii… reach way too high
Baumeister’s analysis
“Sexual involvement is not a good way to discourage romantic love.” WOOOOWWW mind blown
How is unrequited love experienced?
Discrepancies between would be-lovers and rejecters accounts and emotions.
High stakes gamble (pursuer) vs no-win situation (pursued)
“I tried and failed” vs “He tried. He failed. He tried again and again and again.”
Perspective-taking
People being pursued felt the most uncomfortable, take the perspective of the pursuer and feel bad and guilty
Pursuers had bittersweet feelings (tried something, kinda heroic, cute and silly), don’t try to take into account perspective of the pursued
Why does unrequited love persist and become a problem?
Directly Taught? No. Parents don’t teach to pursue someone without stopping.
Previously Reinforced? No.
Vicarious learning. Lots of movies about pursuer getting the girl
Difficulty delivering rejection (no script).** None of us taught how to do the role of the rejector
Koestner’s List: Vicarious Learning?
Big Bang Theory
The Office
Friends
The Hunger Games
Abbot Elementary
Baumeister approach:
-Change the script for the person being pursued.
-People often say ‘it’s not the right time for me’… well maybe that can change? Maybe I’ll persist?
-Make an internal and stable attribution instead. Say ‘I don’t like you and thaŧ is never going to change’ (maybe nicer lol)
Disengage, have courtesy
Are there not exceptions where someone can succeed falling upward?
Maybe in movies…
From character to actor (ex: Jim Carrey’s character in dumb and dumber vs. him irl)…same thing for big bang theory
Note within-person variability in attractiveness
A Self-Determination Perspective on Goal Disengagement: Holding et al., 2019
-Is decision to disengage autonomous or controlled.
-What impact does failure to disengage have on need satisfaction in your life.
Other stuff
Reasons given for disengaging from important long-held goal
(see list)
Why does unrequited love occur and what can it teach us about goal-striving
-research on goal disengagement
Key quote from Wrosch:
“Successful and satisfied people know both how to persist and how to quit”
