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Assorted > Jokes > Flashcards

Jokes Flashcards

0
Q

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

A

Blue paint

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1
Q

What’s Orange and sounds like a parrot?

A

A carrot

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2
Q

Why can’t you hear pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

A

The P is silent

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3
Q

What is something that is red and bad for your teeth?

A

A brick

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4
Q

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

A

They each got six months

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5
Q

Two cats swimming across the river one’s name is 123 the others name is un deux trois, who makes it across?

A

123 because un deux trois cat sank

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6
Q

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

A

There really good at it

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7
Q

What’s forest Gump’s password?

A

One forest one

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8
Q

What’s the difference between an etymologist in an entomologist?

A

And etymologist knows the difference

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9
Q

What does the B in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?

A

Benoit B Mandelbrot

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10
Q

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A

A fsh

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11
Q

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb

A

A Brazilian

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12
Q

Where do animals go in their tails fall off?

A

The retail store

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13
Q

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

A

He worked out the problem with a pencil

It was a #2 pencil

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14
Q

What do you call a cow with no legs?

A

GRound beef

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15
Q

How is imitation like a plateau?

A

They’re both the highest form of flattery

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16
Q

What do you call a camel was no humps?

A

Humphrey

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17
Q

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A

Hey where’s my tractor?

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18
Q

How to crazy people go through the forest?

A

Take the psychopath

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19
Q

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the plane?

A

Me!!!

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20
Q

Why did the tomato turn red?

A

It saw the salad dressing

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21
Q

Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

A

don’t have the guts

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22
Q

Why is six afraid of seven?

A

Because 789

because seven is a risk registered six offender

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23
Q

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

A

He would stop at nothing to avoid them

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24
Q

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

A

All they said was bach, bach, bach

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25
Q

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

A

Ba na na na

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26
Q

What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

A

Do these jeans make me look fat

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27
Q

Why did Carl Marx dislike earl grey tea?

A

Because all proper tea is theft

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28
Q

When fighting fire with fire

A

Remember that the fire department usually uses water

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29
Q

You’re such a good friend that we were we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one lifejacket

A

I would miss you heaps and think of you often

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30
Q

With sufficient thrust

A

Pigs fly just fine

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31
Q

Do not argue with an idiot

A

He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

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32
Q

I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way

A

So I stole the bike and ask God for forgiveness

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33
Q

The last thing I want to do is hurt you

A

But it’s still on the list

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34
Q

My mother never saw the irony

A

In calling me a son of a bitch

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35
Q

The early bird might get the worm

A

But the second mouse gets the cheese

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36
Q

To steal from one person is plagiarism

A

To steal from many is research

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37
Q

If God is watching us

A

The least we could do is be entertaining

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38
Q

Never under any circumstances

A

Take a Sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night

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39
Q

Women will never be equal to men until

A

They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy

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40
Q

Some people say if you can’t beat them join them

I say

A

If you can’t beat them beat them because they’ll be expecting you to join them so you’ll have the element of surprise

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41
Q

You don’t need a parachute to skydive

A

You we need a parachute to skydive twice

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42
Q

Just remember if the world didn’t suck

A

We would fall off

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43
Q

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

A

Because they always take things literally

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44
Q

What do you get when you put root beer and a square glass?

A

Beer

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45
Q

They say a freudian and slip is when you say one thing

A

When you really mean your mother

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46
Q

What do you get when you cross a joke

A

With a rhetorical question?

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47
Q

The past present and future walk into a bar

A

It was tense

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48
Q

A photon checks into a hotel and the Porter ask him if he has any luggage

A

The photon replies no I’m traveling light

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49
Q

Is it solipsistic in here

A

Or is it just me?

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50
Q

Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers

A

And says five beers please

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51
Q

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says sorry we don’t serve noble gases here

A

He doesn’t react

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52
Q

What do you call two crows on a branch?

A

Attempted murder

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53
Q

Your mother is so classless

A

She could be a Marxist Utopia

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54
Q

When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said name two pronouns

A

I said, who me?

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55
Q

Did you hear about the man who got cool to absolute zero?

A

He is 0K now

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56
Q

Why can’t you trust Atoms?

A

Because they make up everything

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57
Q

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar

A

And doesn’t

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58
Q

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting—the biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right

A

The statistician yells we got ‘em

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59
Q

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar

A

No joke

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60
Q

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

A

He will stop at nothing to avoid them

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61
Q

What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

A

Do these jeans make me look fat

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62
Q

The bartender says we don’t serve time travelers here

A

A time traveler walks into a bar

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63
Q

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris

A

You’d be in seine

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64
Q

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini the bartenders asks dry?

A

The German replies no, just one

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65
Q

A philosopher says to a linguist what if instead of periods women had apostrophes

A

The linguist replied they’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions

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66
Q

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

A

Up his sleevies

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67
Q

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to get to the other and says

A

How do you drive this thing?

68
Q

Two dyslexics walk into a

A

Bra

69
Q

My sister bet $100 I couldn’t build the car out of spaghetti

A

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta

70
Q

I went to the zoo the other day it was empty except for single dog

A

It was a shih tzu

71
Q

A magician was driving down the street

A

Then he turned into a driveway

72
Q

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

A

Bison

73
Q

Two antennas met on the roof fell in love and got married the ceremony wasn’t much

A

But the reception was excellent

74
Q

A jumper cable walks into a bar the bartender says

A

I’ll serve you but Don’t start anything

75
Q

Two peanuts walk into a bar

A

One was a salted

76
Q

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says

A

A beer please and one for the road

77
Q

Two cannibals are eating a clown one says to the other

A

Does this taste funny to you?

78
Q

An invisible man marries an invisible woman

A

The kids were nothing to look at either

79
Q

Who is this Roarsak guy?

A

And why does the paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

80
Q

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar the first orders a beer the second orders half of beer the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on

A

After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says you fellas want to know your limits

81
Q

Pavlov is sitting at a bar when all of a sudden the phone rings

A

Pavlov gasps oh shit I forgot to feed the dogs!

82
Q

Three logicians walk into a bar the bartender asks do you all want a beer?

A

The first logician says I don’t know, the second logician says I don’t know, the third logician says yes

83
Q

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant

A

Which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop

84
Q

Your mama is so mean

A

She has no standard deviation

85
Q

A farmer in the field with his crows counted 196 of them

A

But when he rounded them up he had 200

86
Q

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence

A

As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought well that’s a little condescending

87
Q

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

A

Have locomotives

88
Q

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

A

They are making headlines everywhere

89
Q

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books

A

But he only has his shelf to blame

90
Q

Why can’t a bike stand on its own?

A

Because it’s two tired

91
Q

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

A

Because he was too far out man!

92
Q

Atheism

A

Is a non-prophet organization

93
Q

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A

A thesaurus

94
Q

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

A

He drank his coffee before it was cool

95
Q

I started a band called 999 MB

A

We haven’t gotten a gig yet

96
Q

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A

I don’t know and I don’t care

97
Q

Dwarves and midgets

A

Have very little in common

98
Q

If you ever get cold just stand in a corner for a bit

A

They are usually around 90°

99
Q

I think I want to job cleaning mirrors

A

It’s just something I could really see myself doing

100
Q

My grandpa has the heart of a lion

A

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

101
Q

99% of lawyers

A

Give the rest a bed name

102
Q

Always go to other people funerals

A

Or they won’t go to yours

103
Q

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals

A

Then why are they made of meat?

104
Q

Give me ambiguity

A

Or give me something else

105
Q

We have enough youth

A

How about a fountain of smart

106
Q

He who laughs last

A

Thanks slowest

107
Q

Campers

A

Natures way of feeding the mosquitoes

108
Q

Always remember that you are unique

A

Just like everyone else

109
Q

Consciousness

A

That’s annoying time between naps

110
Q

There are three kinds of people

A

Those who can count and those who can’t

111
Q

A clear conscience

A

Is usually the sign of a bad memory

112
Q

As long as there are tests

A

There will be prayer in public schools

113
Q

Sometimes I wake up grumpy

A

Other times I let her sleep

114
Q

You can’t have everything

A

Where would you put it?

115
Q

I wonder how much deeper than the ocean would be

A

Without sponges

116
Q

Everywhere is walking distance

A

If you have the time

117
Q

Make it idiot proof

A

And someone will make a better idiot

118
Q

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive caring and good looking?

A

Because those men already have boyfriends

119
Q

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A

A stick

120
Q

I can handle pain

A

Until it hurts

121
Q

Do not argue with an idiot

A

He will drag you down to his level then beat you with experience

122
Q

Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and

A

says, “Make me one with everything.”

123
Q

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

A

He told me to stop going to those places.

124
Q

What’s E.T. short for?

A

Because he’s only got little legs.

125
Q
  1. “I stand corrected,”
A

said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

126
Q
  1. A baby seal walks into a
A

Club

127
Q

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

A

Bartender says, get out of here we don’t serve your type

128
Q
  1. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’.
A

You probably saw our posters

129
Q

Light travels faster than sound.

A

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

130
Q

I say no to alcohol

A

It just doesn’t listen

131
Q

What to you get when you cross goat dna with human dna?

A

Kicked out of the petting zoo

132
Q

Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says,

A

“I can’t believe I blew twenty bucks in there…”

133
Q

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke.

A

The second nun tried but she couldn’t reach.

134
Q

6 out of 7 dwarfs

A

Aren’t happy

135
Q

Diarrhea is hereditary …

A

It runs in your jeans.

136
Q

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey,

A

but I turned myself around.

137
Q

A cannibal

A

passed his brother in the woods.

138
Q

What does every tickle-me elmo get before it leaves the factory?

A

Two test tickles.

139
Q

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought,

A

this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

140
Q

“Support bacteria –

A

they’re the only culture some people have.”

141
Q

Best way to tune a banjo?

A

With wirecutters

142
Q

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather

A

Not screaming and yelling like the passangers in his car.

143
Q

Light travels fast than sound

A

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

144
Q

If I agreed with you

A

We’d both be wrong

145
Q

We never really grow up

A

We only learn how to act in public

146
Q

When i read about the evils of drinking

A

I gave up reading

147
Q

Nun taking shower, doorbell rings. Nun naked can’t find her towel asks whose there. “The blind man” well he can’t see me anyway and opens door.

A

Guy comes in “nice tits and which window gets the blinds”

148
Q

Be careful when its raining cats and dogs

A

You might step in a poodle

149
Q

Why is an ostriches neck so long

A

Because its head is so far from its body

150
Q

What did the poet say to Luke Skywalker?

A

Metaphors be with you

151
Q

What is a simile?

A

It’s like a metaphor

152
Q

How does the poets sneeze?

A

Haiku!

153
Q

Why are poets it’s always so poor?

A

Because Rhyme doesn’t pay

154
Q

How is a book of poetry like O.J. Simpson’s testimony?

A

Nobody buys either one of them

155
Q

Where do poems come from

A

Poet trees

156
Q

What do you get when you cross Robert frost with James Bond?

A

The road taken not stirred

157
Q

What’s a Grecian urn?

A

About 20,000 drachmas a year after taxes

158
Q

What’s the highest honor among Cowboy poets?

A

Poet lariat

159
Q

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Dwayne

A

Dwayne the tub I’m dwowning!

160
Q

The NSA walks into a bar. Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you, the barman says.

A

The NSA smile’s, heard it

161
Q

Palatino, helvEttica, and Times new Roman walk into a bar

A

Get out! Shoutz the barman, we don’t serve your type here!

162
Q

And amnesiac walks into a bar

A

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, so do I come here often?

163
Q

A neutron walks into a bar

A

How much for a beer? The neutron asks

For you? Says the bartender, no charge

164
Q

Two dragons walk into a bar. The first one says, it sure is hot in here.

A

The second one replies, shut your mouth!

165
Q

A screwdriver rolls into a bar. The bartender says, hey, we have a drink named after you!

A

The screwdriver replies, you have a drink named Philip?

166
Q

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, I’ll have a pint of blood. The second one says I’ll have one too. The third one says, I’ll have a pint of plasma.

A

The bartender says, so that’ll be two blood in the blood light

167
Q

E flat walks into a bar

A

The bartender says, sorry we don’t serve minors

168
Q

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”

A

He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”

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