Jokes Flashcards
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
What’s Orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
Why can’t you hear pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
The P is silent
What is something that is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months
Two cats swimming across the river one’s name is 123 the others name is un deux trois, who makes it across?
123 because un deux trois cat sank
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
There really good at it
What’s forest Gump’s password?
One forest one
What’s the difference between an etymologist in an entomologist?
And etymologist knows the difference
What does the B in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B Mandelbrot
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb
A Brazilian
Where do animals go in their tails fall off?
The retail store
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked out the problem with a pencil
It was a #2 pencil
What do you call a cow with no legs?
GRound beef
How is imitation like a plateau?
They’re both the highest form of flattery
What do you call a camel was no humps?
Humphrey
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Hey where’s my tractor?
How to crazy people go through the forest?
Take the psychopath
What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the plane?
Me!!!
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
don’t have the guts
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because 789
because seven is a risk registered six offender
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He would stop at nothing to avoid them
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was bach, bach, bach
What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba na na na
What did one DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these jeans make me look fat
Why did Carl Marx dislike earl grey tea?
Because all proper tea is theft
When fighting fire with fire
Remember that the fire department usually uses water
You’re such a good friend that we were we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one lifejacket
I would miss you heaps and think of you often
With sufficient thrust
Pigs fly just fine
Do not argue with an idiot
He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way
So I stole the bike and ask God for forgiveness
The last thing I want to do is hurt you
But it’s still on the list
My mother never saw the irony
In calling me a son of a bitch
The early bird might get the worm
But the second mouse gets the cheese
To steal from one person is plagiarism
To steal from many is research
If God is watching us
The least we could do is be entertaining
Never under any circumstances
Take a Sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night
Women will never be equal to men until
They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy
Some people say if you can’t beat them join them
I say
If you can’t beat them beat them because they’ll be expecting you to join them so you’ll have the element of surprise
You don’t need a parachute to skydive
You we need a parachute to skydive twice
Just remember if the world didn’t suck
We would fall off
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
Because they always take things literally
What do you get when you put root beer and a square glass?
Beer
They say a freudian and slip is when you say one thing
When you really mean your mother
What do you get when you cross a joke
With a rhetorical question?
The past present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
A photon checks into a hotel and the Porter ask him if he has any luggage
The photon replies no I’m traveling light
Is it solipsistic in here
Or is it just me?
Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers
And says five beers please
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says sorry we don’t serve noble gases here
He doesn’t react
What do you call two crows on a branch?
Attempted murder
Your mother is so classless
She could be a Marxist Utopia
When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said name two pronouns
I said, who me?
Did you hear about the man who got cool to absolute zero?
He is 0K now
Why can’t you trust Atoms?
Because they make up everything
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar
And doesn’t
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting—the biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right
The statistician yells we got ‘em
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar
No joke
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them
What did one DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these jeans make me look fat
The bartender says we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
If you jumped off a bridge in Paris
You’d be in seine
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini the bartenders asks dry?
The German replies no, just one
A philosopher says to a linguist what if instead of periods women had apostrophes
The linguist replied they’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to get to the other and says
How do you drive this thing?
Two dyslexics walk into a
Bra
My sister bet $100 I couldn’t build the car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
I went to the zoo the other day it was empty except for single dog
It was a shih tzu
A magician was driving down the street
Then he turned into a driveway
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison
Two antennas met on the roof fell in love and got married the ceremony wasn’t much
But the reception was excellent
A jumper cable walks into a bar the bartender says
I’ll serve you but Don’t start anything
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says
A beer please and one for the road
Two cannibals are eating a clown one says to the other
Does this taste funny to you?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman
The kids were nothing to look at either
Who is this Roarsak guy?
And why does the paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar the first orders a beer the second orders half of beer the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on
After the seventh order the bartender pours two beers and says you fellas want to know your limits
Pavlov is sitting at a bar when all of a sudden the phone rings
Pavlov gasps oh shit I forgot to feed the dogs!
Three logicians walk into a bar the bartender asks do you all want a beer?
The first logician says I don’t know, the second logician says I don’t know, the third logician says yes
The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant
Which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop
Your mama is so mean
She has no standard deviation
A farmer in the field with his crows counted 196 of them
But when he rounded them up he had 200
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence
As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought well that’s a little condescending
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
Have locomotives
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?
They are making headlines everywhere
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books
But he only has his shelf to blame
Why can’t a bike stand on its own?
Because it’s two tired
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
Because he was too far out man!
Atheism
Is a non-prophet organization
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool
I started a band called 999 MB
We haven’t gotten a gig yet
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care
Dwarves and midgets
Have very little in common
If you ever get cold just stand in a corner for a bit
They are usually around 90°
I think I want to job cleaning mirrors
It’s just something I could really see myself doing
My grandpa has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
99% of lawyers
Give the rest a bed name
Always go to other people funerals
Or they won’t go to yours
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals
Then why are they made of meat?
Give me ambiguity
Or give me something else
We have enough youth
How about a fountain of smart
He who laughs last
Thanks slowest
Campers
Natures way of feeding the mosquitoes
Always remember that you are unique
Just like everyone else
Consciousness
That’s annoying time between naps
There are three kinds of people
Those who can count and those who can’t
A clear conscience
Is usually the sign of a bad memory
As long as there are tests
There will be prayer in public schools
Sometimes I wake up grumpy
Other times I let her sleep
You can’t have everything
Where would you put it?
I wonder how much deeper than the ocean would be
Without sponges
Everywhere is walking distance
If you have the time
Make it idiot proof
And someone will make a better idiot
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick
I can handle pain
Until it hurts
Do not argue with an idiot
He will drag you down to his level then beat you with experience
Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and
says, “Make me one with everything.”
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s only got little legs.
- “I stand corrected,”
said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
- A baby seal walks into a
Club
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
Bartender says, get out of here we don’t serve your type
- I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’.
You probably saw our posters
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I say no to alcohol
It just doesn’t listen
What to you get when you cross goat dna with human dna?
Kicked out of the petting zoo
Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says,
“I can’t believe I blew twenty bucks in there…”
Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke.
The second nun tried but she couldn’t reach.
6 out of 7 dwarfs
Aren’t happy
Diarrhea is hereditary …
It runs in your jeans.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey,
but I turned myself around.
A cannibal
passed his brother in the woods.
What does every tickle-me elmo get before it leaves the factory?
Two test tickles.
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought,
this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
“Support bacteria –
they’re the only culture some people have.”
Best way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather
Not screaming and yelling like the passangers in his car.
Light travels fast than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
If I agreed with you
We’d both be wrong
We never really grow up
We only learn how to act in public
When i read about the evils of drinking
I gave up reading
Nun taking shower, doorbell rings. Nun naked can’t find her towel asks whose there. “The blind man” well he can’t see me anyway and opens door.
Guy comes in “nice tits and which window gets the blinds”
Be careful when its raining cats and dogs
You might step in a poodle
Why is an ostriches neck so long
Because its head is so far from its body
What did the poet say to Luke Skywalker?
Metaphors be with you
What is a simile?
It’s like a metaphor
How does the poets sneeze?
Haiku!
Why are poets it’s always so poor?
Because Rhyme doesn’t pay
How is a book of poetry like O.J. Simpson’s testimony?
Nobody buys either one of them
Where do poems come from
Poet trees
What do you get when you cross Robert frost with James Bond?
The road taken not stirred
What’s a Grecian urn?
About 20,000 drachmas a year after taxes
What’s the highest honor among Cowboy poets?
Poet lariat
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Dwayne
Dwayne the tub I’m dwowning!
The NSA walks into a bar. Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you, the barman says.
The NSA smile’s, heard it
Palatino, helvEttica, and Times new Roman walk into a bar
Get out! Shoutz the barman, we don’t serve your type here!
And amnesiac walks into a bar
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, so do I come here often?
A neutron walks into a bar
How much for a beer? The neutron asks
For you? Says the bartender, no charge
Two dragons walk into a bar. The first one says, it sure is hot in here.
The second one replies, shut your mouth!
A screwdriver rolls into a bar. The bartender says, hey, we have a drink named after you!
The screwdriver replies, you have a drink named Philip?
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, I’ll have a pint of blood. The second one says I’ll have one too. The third one says, I’ll have a pint of plasma.
The bartender says, so that’ll be two blood in the blood light
E flat walks into a bar
The bartender says, sorry we don’t serve minors
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
