Jokes 1 Flashcards
Interview
During an interview I poured some water and it overflowed slightly. “Nervous?” asked the interviewer, I simply replied “No I always give 110%”
Black Printer
In the office trying to print something and couldn’t get it to print in color, so I asked my coworker. “Where’s the colored printer?”
To which he replied.
“Damnit mike it’s the 21st century, use any damn printer you’d like”
Widow
What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all times
Nepotism
One thing I respect, there’s no such thing as nepotism in the porn industry, it’s a straight meritocracy. Nobody has ever slept their way to the top that didn’t deserve to be there.
Went to a Christian school
They taught us about abstinence by comparing it to chewing gum. You wouldn’t want your wife to be chewed by someone else would you?
That might be true, but I’ve never looked at chewing gum and said, I want to chew that for the rest of my life.
Girlfriend that can deep throat
What a waste of potential
Jihadists Muslims
Why do jihadists Muslims only drink instant coffee. Because apparently they hate french press.
Viagra
Overdosed on Viagra, It was the hardest day of my life.
Homeless Girl
I was hitting on a homeless girl once and told her I wanted to take her home. She happily obliged, so I drove away with her cardboard box.
4 types
Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like “Oh God, oh god…” The Positive Orgasm goes “Yes, yes, oh yes, “ The Negative Orgasm goes “no, no, oh no” and the fake orgasm, the fake one goes Oh “insert the name of whoever you are telling the joke to”
Gambling Butcher
The man says to the butcher “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher replies “Yes, you could say that.” The man says “Okay then, I bet you $100 you can’t reach that meat you’ve got hanging from the ceiling up there.” The Butcher looks up and says “No sorry” The man says “I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?” The butcher answers. “The steaks are too high.”
Scientists, Hormones, Beer
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
Absolute Zero
Did you hear about the guy that was cooled to absolute zero? Yeah, hes 0K now.
Billionaire Psychiatrist
So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, “I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn’t matter if it’s a good deal or not. It doesn’t matter whether or not I need it. It’s the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall.”
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, “Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex.”
Big Skin Gyal
So I’m standing waiting for the bus in Dorchester with a random Jamaican guy standing next to me, when in front of us, a very large black girl walks by. After she’s out of earshot, the guy turns to me and says, “Yo bredda, you see the big skin gyal?” I look at him a little confused, “huh?” So he repeats himself, “you see the big skind gyal?” So i ask him, you mean the big boned girl?
To which he replies, no mon, her bones ah di same size, but her skin, it BIG!
