Jokes 1 Flashcards
Interview
During an interview I poured some water and it overflowed slightly. “Nervous?” asked the interviewer, I simply replied “No I always give 110%”
Black Printer
In the office trying to print something and couldn’t get it to print in color, so I asked my coworker. “Where’s the colored printer?”
To which he replied.
“Damnit mike it’s the 21st century, use any damn printer you’d like”
Widow
What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all times
Nepotism
One thing I respect, there’s no such thing as nepotism in the porn industry, it’s a straight meritocracy. Nobody has ever slept their way to the top that didn’t deserve to be there.
Went to a Christian school
They taught us about abstinence by comparing it to chewing gum. You wouldn’t want your wife to be chewed by someone else would you?
That might be true, but I’ve never looked at chewing gum and said, I want to chew that for the rest of my life.
Girlfriend that can deep throat
What a waste of potential
Jihadists Muslims
Why do jihadists Muslims only drink instant coffee. Because apparently they hate french press.
Viagra
Overdosed on Viagra, It was the hardest day of my life.
Homeless Girl
I was hitting on a homeless girl once and told her I wanted to take her home. She happily obliged, so I drove away with her cardboard box.
4 types
Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like “Oh God, oh god…” The Positive Orgasm goes “Yes, yes, oh yes, “ The Negative Orgasm goes “no, no, oh no” and the fake orgasm, the fake one goes Oh “insert the name of whoever you are telling the joke to”
Gambling Butcher
The man says to the butcher “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher replies “Yes, you could say that.” The man says “Okay then, I bet you $100 you can’t reach that meat you’ve got hanging from the ceiling up there.” The Butcher looks up and says “No sorry” The man says “I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?” The butcher answers. “The steaks are too high.”
Scientists, Hormones, Beer
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
Absolute Zero
Did you hear about the guy that was cooled to absolute zero? Yeah, hes 0K now.
Billionaire Psychiatrist
So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, “I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn’t matter if it’s a good deal or not. It doesn’t matter whether or not I need it. It’s the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall.”
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, “Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex.”
Big Skin Gyal
So I’m standing waiting for the bus in Dorchester with a random Jamaican guy standing next to me, when in front of us, a very large black girl walks by. After she’s out of earshot, the guy turns to me and says, “Yo bredda, you see the big skin gyal?” I look at him a little confused, “huh?” So he repeats himself, “you see the big skind gyal?” So i ask him, you mean the big boned girl?
To which he replies, no mon, her bones ah di same size, but her skin, it BIG!
Elephant Man
Do you know how the elephant man died? The last time I asked this someone said quite ironically, an allergy to peanuts. I’ve also had, killed by poachers for his ivory. But no, the bearded lady actually shot a midget out of a cannon and it landed on his head. It was a total freak accident.
Taxi Driver
The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
Optimist
There was a man named Charlie who was such a die-hard optimist. No matter how hard the situation was, he would always say, “It could have been worse.”
So to cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a story to trick him.
One day, his friends told him, “Charlie, did you hear what happened to Rob? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot then both, and turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s so tragic,” Charlie replied, “but it could have been worse.”
“HOW THE FUCK,” his dumbfounded friends replied, “could it POSSIBLY be FUCKING WORSE???”
“Well,” says Charlie, “IF IT FUCKING HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE, I’D BE FUCKING DEAD!”
Two Italians
So 2 Italian men walk into a bus after it stops. They sit behind a lady who trys not to listen to their conversation but is curious. One says “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. Den I come again. Two asses they come together againa. Then I come and pee twice. Then I come again.” The woman then says a loud “You foul mouthed swines! In America we don’t talk about our sex lives in public! “Hey cool down lady” the Italian said. “Imma just trying to tell my friend how to spell Mississippi!
Weight Loss
The first few weeks of a weight loss program, youre just trying to find your feet.
I try and teach my parents something new every day.
Because you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes.
