Joke Formulas

Question 1

Exaggeration 1

Answer 1

I may need to lose just a touch of weight. Last night my friends told me I showed up on Google Earth.

Question 2

Exaggeration 2

Answer 2

I’m a very competitive person. After a football game, I follow the opposing team home to continue the game.

Question 3

Exaggeration 3

Answer 3

I love television shows so much, I just had HBO implanted in my nose cavity.

Question 4

Exaggeration 4

Answer 4

I love my Husband so much I had him stuffed.

Question 5

The Switch

Answer 5

The Switch

Question 6

Switch The Where

Answer 6

My girlfriend annoys me. She always vacuums when I’m trying to watch the game. She claims it doesn’t bother anyone else in the stadium.

Question 7

Switch The Who

Answer 7

I was in this tough biker bar last weekend. You should have seen these people. Dirty beards, beefy hairy forearms and you should have seen the men.

Question 8

Switch The When

Answer 8

The other day I realized that I still remember when I was crawling around on the floor looking for my pacifier, crying for milk, drooling. Yeah, that was last Tuesday. I feel better this week.

Question 9

Switch The What

Answer 9

I wanted to give my girlfriend some extra pleasure, so I got her one of those vibrator things, with five speeds and attachments. She thanked me, but said she already had an electric toothbrush.

Question 10

Combination (Out Of Context) 1

Answer 10

I’m dating a dental hygienist and I really think she likes me because she wants to see me again in six months.

Question 11

Combination (Out Of Context) 2

Answer 11

When I pick her up we get in my car, I get in the driver’s seat, and she always says, “Why don’t you put your head all the way back?”

Question 12

Combination (Out Of Context) 3

Answer 12

At the end of the date she always tells me she had a nice time and asks me to spit.

Question 13

The Backdown 1

Answer 13

I’m pretty proud of myself. Yesterday, I was honored by the City of Los Angeles for my civic duty.

Question 14

The Backdown 2

Answer 14

The Mayor was there and they gave me a trophy…well, more like a plaque to hang up on my wall…well, a certificate really.

Question 15

The Backdown 3

Answer 15

Okay, I got a parking ticket. But the Mayor signed it and I have my own special court date! Just for me!

Question 16

What I’ve Learned 1

Answer 16

What I’ve learned is… when a guy can’t get it up, laughing at him..will actually make it smaller.

Question 17

What I’ve Learned 2

Answer 17

What I’ve learned is…if you play hide and seek with a police officer, he is soon joined by many other cars, helicopters and a spike strip.

Question 18

What I’ve Learned 3

Answer 18

What I’ve learned is…if you go to a job interview naked, you are probably still waiting to hear back.

Question 19

Something Came Over Me 1

Answer 19

The other day my girlfriend asked me if her butt looked fat in these jeans. I feel terrible. I meant to say, “Oh, no honey, it looks great.” But something came over me, I don’t know what it was and I said, “Oh no honey, your belly looks much fatter.”

Question 20

Something Came Over Me 2

Answer 20

I broke up with my boyfriend and he was very upset. It was terrible. I meant to say, “Oh, it’s not you, it’s me.” You deserve someone so much better than me. Something came over me and I said, “I thought about staying with you but I kept thinking should I stay with you or have multiple root canals without novocaine? It was close but I went with the root canals.

Question 21

List Of Three 1

Answer 21

I usually do the same thing every morning; brush my teeth, put on my clothes and feed the hostages.

Question 22

List Of Three 2

Answer 22

People are so negative and always complain. They’re all like, “Stop talking so loud, your smoke is bothering me, get your hand out of my pockets.”

Question 23

Analogy 1

Answer 23

For me picking up women at a bar is just a walk on the beach. You know, I usually leave alone with a bunch of bird shit on my head.

Question 24

Analogy 2

Answer 24

Last weekend my sex life was so great, I felt just like a horse that won the Kentucky Derby. I was sweaty, breathing hard and there was a small man riding on my back.

Question 25

Analogy 3

Answer 25

Our engagement was like a trip to Disneyland. Over-crowded, too expensive and apparently I wasn't the only ride in the park.

Question 26

Too Much Information

Answer 26

You know, people are funny, aren’t they? People watching is fun, isn’t it? Like, maybe, I don’t know, you’re in an elevator. And I don’t know, maybe you kind of pull the emergency stop button, and you know, you’re just trying to let everybody know about buying a time-share through you, “cause you’re independent, and they’ll save on commission…and then they all promise to give you a down payment on a condo, but when you turn the elevator back on, the all like jump out on the fifteenth floor, and don’t even say goodbye, or give you a check or anything…yeah, people are funny…don’t you think?

Question 27

Brag About Something Stupid

Answer 27

Yeah, so I’m in the transportation industry, kind of an overall commissioner/consultant for engineering planning and trip strategizing. Actually, I’m very hands-on. Every day, hundreds of people put their lives and trust in me, as I control their destination. So, next time you’re at the mall, put your kids on my train and I’ll take them around a circle they’ll never forget.

Question 28

Greeting Cards (Or Sayings Gone Bad) 1

Answer 28

Wishing you were here. I need someone who I can look down on.

Question 29

Greeting Cards (Or Sayings Gone Bad) 2

Answer 29

If at first you don’t succeed…offer him some cash.

Question 30

Greeting Cards (Or Sayings Gone Bad) 3

Answer 30

If you love something, let it go free. If it comes back to you…then I guess the paternity test was positive.

Question 31

Greeting Cards (Or Sayings Gone Bad) 4

Answer 31

It is better to have loved and lost…as long as you get the house in the divorce settlement.

Question 32

The Roast (Or Compliments Gone Bad) 1

Answer 32

We’ve had a great time…just not here.

Question 33

The Roast (Or Compliments Gone Bad) 2

Answer 33

I don’t know what to say about all your wonderful traits, since you don’t have any.

Question 34

The Roast (Or Compliments Gone Bad) 3

Answer 34

When I think of great people…you simply don’t come to mind. Not even close.

Question 35

Mistaken Who or Where 1

Answer 35

I was pretty upset last night, and thought I had dialed my therapist but I accidentally dialed my dad. I said, “Hi, I just wanted to go over some issues. I’ve been feeling insecure and lonely. And he said, “I’m sorry, you were always kind of that way.” I’m like, “Yeah, but lately, I’ve been blaming my parents for a lot of my shortcomings.” And he’s like, “Oh, well, I guess that’s okay, a lot of kids do that.” And I said, “I’ve even had fantasies where I kill my parents, and I feel so good about it, so freed, like I finally have control over my life. You know what I mean….hello? Are you there…hello? (Mistaken Who)

Question 36

Mistaken Who or Where 2

Answer 36

I got a little messed up last week. I had a bit too much to drink, and I thought I had Googled “Mort’s Meats,” but I actually somehow Googled the county morgue. So I get there and the guy asks me if he can help, and I’m like, “Yeah, I want a pound of your best cut of meat. I’m cooking dinner for my roommates tonight.” Anyway, my court date is coming up next month, and I need a good lawyer.

Question 37

I Knew It Was Time 1

Answer 37

I knew it was time to get a divorce when she asked me if I wouldn’t mind watching the kids so she could go out drinking with Earl.

Question 38

I Knew It Was Time 2

Answer 38

I knew it was time to start looking for a new job when they moved me to my new desk…in the alley.

Question 39

I Knew It Was Time 3

Answer 39

I knew it was time to get help with my drinking when I woke up in bed, it was 3:30 in the afternoon, and I was in Sit and Sleep during a big sale.

Question 40

Reversal 1

Answer 40

I’m happy because I have found the true rewards of failure. Hear me out: through the magic of failing, I have plenty of time off, almost no taxes, and I don’t have to worry about how I’m going to score with women, since I never have and never will. If you would like to join me in the freedom of failure, just buy my new book, Going Nowhere. It’s available for $3.99. And since each copy costs me $9, the book has already made the New York Times Biggest Money Losses list and is climbing.

Question 41

Reversal 2

Answer 41

I never put money in the collection plate at church. In fact, I usually take two or three bucks out of the plate to cover my gas getting there and to build up my emergency fund. After all, the church teaches, “God helps those who help themselves.”

Question 42

Reversal 3

Answer 42

I started dating this woman who I really like and I told her, “Girl, this could be the start of something temporary.”

Question 43

Reversal 4

Answer 43

In any long term relationship, of course, overtime you lose some of the magic. It’s inevitable. That’s when I told her, “You’ve changed since we met at 7:45.”

Question 44

Blind Spot Jokes 1

Answer 44

When I make love to a woman…and, believe me, one day I will.

Question 45

Blind Spot Jokes 2

Answer 45

I’m really excited at work. Last week the boss told me they were going to go in a different direction with my job. Can’t wait to see what it is.

Question 46

Blind Spot Jokes 3

Answer 46

I am the ultimate hot date. When guys go out with me, they are so satisfied, they never ask me out again. That’s how totally satisfied they are.

Question 47

Ridiculous Bio 1

Answer 47

My dad was a magician and I lost my mom when he sawed her in half.

Question 48

Ridiculous Bio 2

Answer 48

I lived in seventeen cities by the time I was eight years old but I finally tracked down my parents.