How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie Flashcards
Improvement of Communication skills
1
Q
What feeling do people crave?
A
Feeling of importance
2
Q
What causes people to think positively of you?
A
Making someone feel important
3
Q
What causes people to resent you?
A
Diminishing someone
4
Q
Do virtually all people care more about themselves?
A
Yes
5
Q
How can you appeal to someone’s interest?
A
Keep asking yourself - “what is it that this person wants?”
6
Q
What everyone has to offer to you?
A
Everyone can teach you, and you benefit by figuring out what that is.
7
Q
What usually makes people angry?
A
Feeling unheard or misunderstood.
8
Q
Should you smile - often?
A
Yes!
9
Q
What is the most important word for someone?
A
A person’s name.
10
Q
How to be a good listener?
A
Genuinely encourage people to talk about themselves. Ask questions that they’ll enjoy answering.
11
Q
How do we influence people to do things?
A
Praise and appreciation. Do not start by criticizing or complaining - this makes them act defensively.
12
Q
How do you control your temper?
A
Little people get angry over little things, while big people are undisturbed and calm. Do not let little things control your actions.
13
Q
How to disarm arguments and be open-minded?
A
“I may be wrong. I often am. And if I am wrong, I want to change and be right - Let’s discuss the facts.”
14
Q
How can you influence others during an argument?
A
Praise the other person for a trait that will help resolve an argument.
15
Q
What you should understand about the arguments?
A
Everyone has a valid view of the situation. Your job is to understand what led them to believe what they believe.
16
Q
What should you always do when you start noticing the problem?
A
Listen first—do not interrupt. Ask them where they feel the problems are and their opinion on how to proceed. Ask a lot of questions instead of commanding.
17
Q
What is your goal during arguments?
A
Building bridges of understanding, looking for areas of agreement and common goals.
18
Q
How do I finish the argument?
A
When you are ready, ask a series of questions that will lead them to your conclusion. Start with undeniable areas of agreement, then approach your ultimate point in terms they will agree with. This will make them feel they independently changed their mind.
19
Q
How to reach someone who is close-minded?
A
Emphasize how your position serves the other person’s interests and incentives.
20
Q
How do you gracefully end the argument?
A
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who want to help you.
21
Q
How do we create a healthy feedback loop?
A
Praise and appreciate the other person constantly without asking for anything in return. This will neutralize the sting of future feedback.
22
Q
How do we introduce a point of feedback?
A
Start by praising other specific things that were done well. Introduce the point of improvement.
23
Q
How do you show empathy during feedback?
A
Talk about your related mistakes, suggesting you know how difficult the task can be.
24
Q
How can we improve ownership and the impact of feedback?
A
Ask questions instead of giving orders. Ask for suggestions on improving things to give them a personal stake in their ideas.
25
How do you keep a person's momentum using feedback?
Give the person a fine reputation to live up to. Act as though the trait was already one of their outstanding characteristics.
26
How do you approach faults in feedback?
Make the fault seem easy to correct. Make clear that it is not a matter of ability or talent—"You already have the underlying skills. You just need to practice."
27
What should you aim for during the feedback process?
Target what they care about. Message the improvement in terms of the person's own interest—"doing better work" or "Ascending in the career."
28
Do people criticize themselves for anything?
Usually, they do not.
29
What happens when someone becomes defensive?
They start to rationalize their behavior.
30
What does criticism do with a person?
Criticism hurts a person's pride and sense of importance
31
What should you do when you are angry at someone?
Wait overnight. More often than not, you'll dial back the anger.
32
What should you ask yourself before you speak?
What can the other person get out of this?
33
What is a common misconception about salespeople?
They sell products; in reality, they show how products solve problems, and people want to buy them.
34
What should you do to get someone to participate in a social event?
Excite them about the event, what's fun, etc.
35
What not to do during conversations?
Do not talk about your own accomplishments - it makes people feel inferior and envious.
Do not talk without concern about the other person.
35
How do you become likable?
Ask people about their background and their goals.
Remember the problems they have - share a solution without expectations.
Remember about someone's birthdays and act on them.
Greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
Remember about SMILE.
Remember and use the Person's Name - bother to pronounce the name correctly.
Show genuine, undivided interest.
Get the other person to talk - Listen well.
Make them feel important and heard.
Ask about problems, though times they overcome.
36
How do you understand someone's interests?
Research their interests.
Look around for clues.
Identify someone's major goals, then talk about how you'll help them get closer to their goals.
Note what people spend a lot of time on and what they are proud of - point it out and show appreciation for that.
37
What do most people have in common when compared to others?
They feel superior to others in some way - Let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance.
38
What is the instinct to avoid when someone disagrees with you?
Avoid fighting fire with fire. People don’t like to be proven wrong as it insults their pride.
39
Why is it counterproductive to correct someone during a disagreement?
Correcting someone can insult their pride and make them resent you, even if you’re right.
40
What is the reverse approach to winning people over in a disagreement?
Admit you don’t know everything they do and acknowledge that, in their shoes, you might see things the same way.
41
How can you establish common ground during a disagreement?
Articulate your common high-level goals and express a desire to explore differences in thinking.
42
What is the key step before pushing your point in a disagreement?
Let the other person speak their mind first, completely, without interruption.
43
What method can you use to persuade someone after listening to them?
Use Socratic reasoning to get them to answer "yes" and guide them to see your idea as their own.
44
How should you respond to someone who disagrees with you?
Thank them sincerely for their interest, as their disagreement shows they care about the same things you do.
45
Why should you welcome disagreement?
It is an opportunity to preempt a mistake and gain a new perspective.
46
What does the quote “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary” imply?
Disagreement can be valuable as it promotes critical thinking and improvement.
47
What should you promise to do with your opponent’s ideas?
Promise to think over their ideas and study them carefully.
48
Why is postponing action during disagreements helpful?
It gives both sides time to think through the problem and avoid hasty decisions.
49
What should you avoid when trying to change someone's mind?
Avoid going in with a hostile attitude, as it invites reciprocal hostility and resistance.
50
How can you show humility when addressing disagreements?
Acknowledge the merits of the other side and suggest sitting down together to understand the points of difference.
51
What metaphor illustrates the best way to persuade someone?
Like coaxing an animal, offer something appealing instead of chasing after them with aggression.
52
What does the phrase “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall” mean?
Kindness and friendliness are more effective than hostility or criticism in winning people over.
53
How should you approach someone when commanding them?
Approach them as if they are permitting you to provide feedback, not as if you are superior.
54
What is a better way to ask for something than complaining?
Highlight what you appreciate and explain how the current situation prevents further appreciation.
55
How should you start a complaint to a company?
Begin by praising their service, then explain the problem as an opportunity to protect their reputation.
56
How can you frame your perspective when hearing a complaint?
Emphasize that you’re not there to change their mind but to understand their situation better.
57
What happens when people are attacked for being wrong?
They become defensive, clinging to their opinion and losing sight of the main point.
58
How can you approach disagreements to avoid defensiveness?
Use an open-minded approach, such as saying, "I may be wrong. I often am. And if I’m wrong, I want to be corrected."
59
What is the benefit of understanding the other person’s perspective?
It lowers defenses and allows the other person to reconsider their position.
60
How can humility change the dynamic of a disagreement?
It can shift the focus from being right to demonstrating humility, graciousness, and open-mindedness.
61
What should you never say when respecting someone’s opinion?
Never say, “You’re wrong.”
62
What is a powerful admission in resolving disagreements?
Admit that you might be the wrong one.
63
How should you respond to an angry customer?
Acknowledge that your company sometimes makes mistakes and express a willingness to understand their situation.
64
What dogmatic words should you avoid, and what can you say instead?
Avoid words like “certainly,” “of course,” and “undoubtedly.” Instead, use phrases like “I imagine” or “It appears to me.”
65
How can you encourage someone to find a solution themselves?
Ask where they feel the problems are and for their opinions on the best way to proceed.
66
What is the effect of admitting your error in an argument?
Admitting your error disarms and can lead others to jump to your defense instead of attacking you further.
67
What happens when a person’s importance is acknowledged during an argument?
They are more likely to show mercy and build their ego by being understanding.
68
Why does being defensive in an argument escalate anger?
Defensiveness prevents the other person from seeing your perspective and focuses them on proving you wrong.
69
What should you do if you make a mistake at work?
Admit it quickly and without excuses; this minimizes the impact and may even lead others to defend you.
70
How should you overcome pride in an argument?
Admit your mistake first, as waiting for the other person to yield may result in a standoff.
71
How can you graciously respond to criticism of your work?
Acknowledge the critique, say something like, “I don’t entirely agree with it myself,” and invite feedback to improve.
72
What tactic can minimize your mistakes in the eyes of others?
Say about yourself the derogatory things the other person is thinking; this fosters forgiveness and understanding.
73
Why might someone who disagrees with you not listen to your argument?
They are focused on expressing their own ideas and won’t pay attention until they feel heard.
74
What should you resist during a conversation or argument?
Resist the temptation to interrupt. Allowing the other person to speak fully will make them more receptive to your points.
75
Why is conversation important for many people?
It helps them organize their thoughts, and they may independently arrive at your conclusion if given the chance.
76
Why is avoiding lecturing especially important with certain people?
Lecturing unilaterally can alienate subordinates, children, students, or even parents, who may need space to reason on their own
77
What tactic can help someone feel heard and understood?
Ask them to tell their story completely.
78
How can you make the other person feel valued in a conversation?
Frame them as the experts on their own lives, cars, children, etc., and express a desire to learn from them.
79
How can volunteering weaknesses in your solution help?
It invites the other person to react by downplaying the weaknesses and creates a collaborative atmosphere.
80
How should you discuss a project you don’t approve of?
Highlight potential downsides constructively and invite their input, focusing on mitigating risks together.
81
What standpoint should you begin with to see things from the other person’s point of view?
Assume that if you had the same experiences and perspective as them, you would arrive at the same conclusions.
82
Why is it unproductive to think, “No rational person could think what my opponent is thinking”?
It creates irreconcilable arguments and dismisses the validity of their perspective.
83
What is the key to influencing another person?
Discover why they think and act the way they do. This insight will give you leverage to connect with them.
84
How should you regard the other person’s ideas and feelings?
Consider them as important as your own.
85
How does adopting the other person’s perspective help you?
It enables you to align your arguments with their interests, increasing the chances of persuasion.
86
Why is it ineffective to point out that an upset person is being illogical?
Upset people feel justified in their emotions, and dismissing them as illogical only worsens the situation.
87
What question should you ask before trying to change someone’s mind?
“Why would they want to do it?” This helps you focus on their interests and craft arguments that resonate.
88
How do upset people typically justify their anger?
They build up reasons in their minds that feel completely justified, often amplifying their sense of being wronged.
89
Why do people hunger for sympathy?
It makes them feel important and valued because someone is paying attention to their struggles.
90
What is a good way to start showing sympathy?
Say, “I don’t blame you at all for feeling what you’ve felt. If I were in your shoes, I’d definitely feel the same way.”
91
What tactic helps an upset person feel heard?
Find and articulate the reason they’re upset to show you understand their perspective.
92
What should you do if someone apologizes for losing their temper?
Take responsibility for the original issue instead of allowing them to feel at fault for their reaction.
93
Why should you avoid one-upping someone’s misfortune?
It trivializes their troubles and makes them feel unimportant.
94
How can you confirm you understand someone’s concerns?
Say, “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying. What I’m hearing is ___.”
95
Why should you avoid starting with areas of disagreement?
Saying "no" locks people into defensiveness, pride, and resistance to admitting fault.
96
How should you begin a conversation to find agreement?
Start with areas of common agreement to get the other person to say “yes.”
97
What is a more effective alternative to pushing your conclusion onto someone?
Guide them toward your conclusion through a series of logical questions.
98
Why does guiding someone with questions make them more receptive?
It helps them feel like the idea is theirs rather than something forced upon them.
99
What tone should you use when asking questions to guide a discussion?
Be genuine and patient; avoid sounding like you already know all the answers or are trying to trap them. Ask challenging questions with unclear answers.
100
How can you emphasize alignment with someone during a disagreement?
Highlight that you both have the same goals but may differ in methods.
101
How can you frame a discussion regarding the other person’s interests?
Use their perspective, such as, “Wouldn’t you want to enjoy benefit Y, even if X is annoying to do?”
102
What kind of questions should you ask to build agreement?
Ask high-level questions they will likely agree with, such as “Are you someone who likes to save money?” or “Do you care about balancing considerations?”
103
Why do people prefer their own ideas over others?
It makes them feel smart and important and gives them a sense of agency in executing the idea.
104
What should you prioritize if you care more about outcomes than credit?
Let others take credit for your ideas if it helps achieve the desired results.
105
What wisdom does Lao Tze provide about leadership and influence?
A wise leader stays below others to guide them without imposing weight, allowing them to feel ownership and autonomy.
106
How can you help others arrive at your conclusion on their own?
Provide a framework for decision-making and let them do the work, such as comparing options or consulting others.
107
What should you do if pitching an idea doesn’t work?
Ask for the other person’s input on what they’d like to see, acknowledging that their advice can improve the idea.
108
What questions can you ask employees to encourage collaboration?
“What are the qualities you expect from me? Now, what qualities do I have a right to expect from you?”
109
How can asking about pros and cons create engagement?
It encourages others to articulate their preferences, which can lead to stronger support for the idea.
110
What is the value of planting an idea without direct suggestion?
It allows the idea to take root and work independently, often yielding stronger adoption.
111
How can providing references help persuade someone?
Letting them talk to others with relevant experiences can help them draw their own conclusions about the idea’s value.
112
How can you appeal to someone’s highest moral principles?
Compliment their fairness, patience, or other noble traits while addressing the situation.
113
What can you say to someone breaking an agreement?
Express confidence in their integrity and belief that they’ll live up to their word.
114
How can you create relatability in discussions?
To humanize your position, share relatable situations, such as being a parent, being overwhelmed, or having fears.
115
How do most people make decisions?
They are swayed by emotions and heuristics, often relying on gut feelings rather than rational data.
116
Why isn’t simply stating the truth enough?
The truth needs to be made vivid and dramatic through showmanship to capture attention and resonate.
117
Why is attention harder to capture today?
Attention is scarcer than ever, requiring creative yet non-gimmicky ways to engage people.
118
How can you make your ideas more vivid?
Visually and viscerally represent the stakes using analogies, physical objects, or memorable imagery.
119
What is a useful tactic for illustrating the impact of your ideas?
Equate the stakes to relatable concepts, like dollars per day, or use extreme examples to highlight performance.
120
How can physical objects enhance your presentation?
Put objects directly in the person’s view to make the concept tangible and impactful.
121
How can extreme examples demonstrate versatility?
Show how a product performs in far-out scenarios to emphasize reliability in normal usage.
122
What can you do when motivation doesn’t work?
Organize a competition, as people are driven to avoid being second and to prove their worth.
123
Why is the desire for mastery a powerful motivator?
People love the opportunity for self-expression, proving their skills, and the challenge to excel.
124
According to the King’s Guard in ancient Greece, what is the essence of bravery?
“All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.”
125
How can you challenge someone who is unsure?
Subtly question their strength or resolve, such as, “It’s a tough spot. It’ll take a big person to take the job.”
126
How can public accountability drive performance?
Use a public scoreboard to track and display metrics that matter.
127
What tactic can managers use to spark innovation?
Imagine a hypothetical, threatening competitor and analyze how they might attack or outsmart your company. Use this to improve your strategies.
128
Why is it important to start feedback with praise?
It makes people more receptive to hearing unpleasant things after hearing about their strengths.
129
What happens when you give sincere appreciation before criticism?
It surprises the person and makes them feel confident, reducing defensiveness and increasing openness to improvement.
130
Why is feedback more effective when it acknowledges hard work?
Without praise, feedback can feel overly critical and dismissive of the effort already made.
131
How can you ensure your praise is effective?
Be sincere and genuinely appreciate the work done to sound authentic.
132
What should you focus on when giving praise?
Be specific about what was done well rather than using generic or formulaic compliments.
133
What should you avoid when giving praise?
Avoid statements that don’t apply to the person or could apply to anyone, as they sound insincere.
134
Why should you avoid directly pointing out mistakes?
It can feel like issuing an order, inviting resistance and defensiveness.
135
What is the benefit of using an indirect approach to feedback?
It allows the person to come to their own conclusions and save face.
136
How should you phrase constructive feedback after praise?
Use “and” instead of “but” to avoid negating the positive acknowledgment.
137
What is an example of using “and” instead of “but” in feedback?
“You’ve done an excellent job working hard, and if you focus next on building a checklist, you’ll improve your accuracy rate.”
138
How can you lead by example when a task is slipping?
Complete the task yourself and use the result as a demonstration of diligence.
139
What impression does one-sided feedback create?
It can make you seem like an overbearing, perfect critic and diminish the other person’s importance.
140
Why is pointing out your own mistakes beneficial in feedback?
It shows that you recognize the task’s difficulty, make the person’s mistakes more understandable, and encourage them to improve.
141
How can acknowledging your experience help in feedback?
It shows that your higher standards are due to experience, not innate superiority, creating a more empathetic dynamic.
142
What should you consider when providing feedback to children or entry-level employees?
Recognize their developmental stage or experience level and adjust your expectations accordingly.
143
What is the key principle of asking questions instead of giving orders?
It allows the person to come to their own conclusions, which they are more likely to own and follow.
144
How does asking questions preserve agency and pride?
It shifts ownership of the solution to the person, making them feel empowered and respected.
145
What additional benefit does asking questions bring?
It stimulates creativity, potentially surfacing better ideas than those initially proposed.
146
What are examples of questions you can ask instead of giving orders?
“You might consider this.” “Do you think that would work?” “What do you think of this?”
147
What should you do if the solution to a problem is unclear?
Ask your team or staff for their input on what to do.
148
Why is preserving a person’s pride important in feedback?
Bulldozing their sense of importance leads to resentment and makes them harder to influence later.
149
How should you frame mistakes to preserve pride?
Acknowledge that mistakes are often due to carelessness or inexperience, not lack of ability.
150
What should you do if there’s a misfit with a role?
Highlight the person’s other strengths and focus on their potential.
151
How can you preserve social bonds for someone who made a mistake?
Publicly express confidence in them and avoid embarrassing them.
152
How should you handle letting someone go while preserving their pride?
Emphasize that the decision was due to the business’s changing needs, not their work quality, and express belief in their potential.
153
How can you encourage someone to improve?
Act as though the trait you want them to develop is already one of their outstanding characteristics, creating a reputation for them to live up to.
154
Why do people respond positively to being valued for certain traits?
It makes them feel important, motivating them to maintain or improve those traits.
155
What is the Shakespeare quote that applies to building reputations?
“Assume a virtue, if you have it not.”
156
How should you give feedback to a high-performing worker falling short?
Praise their previous quality work and reputation, framing the feedback as something they’d want to know.
157
What can you say to an angry customer?
“I’ve always admired you for your patience and fairness. Please forgive us for our mistake.”
158
How can you address someone who rejected your ideas?
Say, “I’ve always respected your open-mindedness. I have faith that you’re big enough to change your mind if you receive new information.”
159
How can you use this strategy for underappreciated individuals?
Find a positive trait they have and emphasize it in your feedback.
160
What happens if you tell someone they lack talent and won’t improve?
It removes their interest and hope for improvement.
161
How should you frame improvement to motivate someone?
Emphasize that they have the right talent and fundamentals and just need practice to get better.
162
Why is it important to make improvement steps seem easy?
It builds confidence and encourages effort toward progress.
163
How can you connect a task to something someone has already mastered?
Say, “There’s nothing to it other than what you’ve done before. X will be a cinch for you.”
164
How can you build confidence with a piece of the task?
Praise a part of the task they do well, then show how completing that part proves they can handle the entire task.
165
Why is it important to keep the other person’s interests in mind when giving feedback?
It ensures your suggestion aligns with their incentives, making them more receptive.
166
What should you ask yourself before providing feedback or suggestions?
What does the other person really want, and what benefits will they gain from following your suggestion?
167
How can you reject someone for a responsibility while preserving their importance?
Intimate that they’re too important for the role, elevating their perceived value.
168
What tactic can soften the blow of turning down a social event or invitation?
Offer an alternative, such as a substitute speaker or another time to meet, to prevent disappointment.
169
How can you make people feel important in professional settings?
Assign them new responsibilities or job titles that reflect their value.
170
Why is praising every improvement important?
It inspires the person to keep improving and locks in good behavior.
171
How can a small amount of praise influence someone’s future?
A few words of specific, meaningful praise can sharply impact a person’s path, encouraging further growth.
172
How should you deliver praise to make it impactful?
Be specific by singling out accomplishments instead of giving general flattering remarks
173
What negative cycle can lack of praise create in relationships?
A vicious cycle of resistance and yelling, especially in parent-child or employer-employee dynamics.
174
How do you break a vicious cycle caused by lack of praise?
Start giving sincere, specific praise to build a virtuous cycle of encouragement and improvement.
