How To Win Friends And Influence People Flashcards
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
“A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”
FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
PRINCIPLE 1 - Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important”
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them
FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
PRINCIPLE 2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation
So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it
Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?”
If out of reading this book you get just one thing - an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle - if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career
Remember: “First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”
FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
PRINCIPLE 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want
You never read a book on psychology, Tippy. You didn’t need to. You knew by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Let me repeat that. You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you
If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all humun failures spring
I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them
A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street-both parties benefit
SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
PRINCIPLE 1 - Become genuinely interested in other people
“I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation. I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint. And these things have literally revolutionized my life. I am a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in friendships and happiness - the only things that matter much after all.”
Every body in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions
SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
PRINCIPLE 2 - Smile
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others
SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
PRINCIPLE 3 - Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence
So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation
SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
PRINCIPLE 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
PRINCIPLE 5 - Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in your memory lung after the incident is past
There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble
The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John Dewey, as we have already noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself
Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to —-? “ “Won’t you please?” “ Would you mind?” “Thank you” - little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding
SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
PRINCIPLE 6 - Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely
Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake
Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best
Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding
Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree
Be honest, Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen”
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:
Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position
or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened. . . . The little word “my” is the most important one in human affairs, and properly to reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 2 - Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 3 - If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world
Remember what Lincoln said: “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 4 - Begin in a friendly way
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 5 - Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately
Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours. La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”
PRINCIPLE 6 - Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
” The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”
PRINCIPLE 7 - Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 8 - Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 9 - Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 10 - Appeal to the nobler motives
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 11 - Dramatize your ideas
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self- expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance
PRINCIPLE 12 - Throw down a challenge
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
PRINCIPLE 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation
This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and.” “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”
Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations
PRINCIPLE 2 - Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
PRINCIPLE 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
PRINCIPLE 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
PRINCIPLE 5 - Let the other person save face
Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery
Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use. Yes, you who are reading these lines possess powers of various sorts which you habitually fail to use; and one of these powers you are probably not using to the fullest extent is your magic ability to praise people and inspire them with a realization of their latent possibilities
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. To become a more effective leader of people, apply . . .
PRINCIPLE 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
PRINCIPLE 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique—be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it—and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel
PRINCIPLE 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
Match those benefits to the other person’s wants
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
PRINCIPLE 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
