heathers veronica lines :o Flashcards
top of show
September 1, 1989. Dear Diary:
I think I’m a good person. I believe there’s good in everyone. But here we are, first day of senior year.
I see these kids I’ve known all my life and wonder: What happened?
stoner chick: move.
Sorry.
hipster: ow!
veronica (SUNG): just not today
You okay?
ram: ooooops.
Ram Sweeney. Third year as linebacker. And eighth year of smacking lunch trays and being a huge dick.
ram: what did you say to me skank?
…Nothing.
poked by martha
Aaaagh!
martha: hey.
Martha Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers. She’s got a huge heart. ‘Round here, that’s not enough.
Thanks.
martha: we on for movie night?
You’re on Jiffy Pop detail.
martha: i rented the princess bride
Again? Don’t you have it memorized by now?
kurt: you need more protein in your diet.
Kurt Kelly. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team. Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf.
What is wrong with you?
ram: my buddy kurt asked you a question
What gives you the right to pick on my friend? Look at you, you’re a high school has-been waiting to happen. A future gas station attendant.
kurt: you got a zit right there
Dear Diary…
students and faculty (SUNG): ah…heather. heather…and heather!
Then there’s the Heathers. They float above it all.
students and faculty (SUNG): i love heather, heather…and heather!
Heather McNamara. Head cheerleader. Her dad’s loaded – he sells engagement rings.
Heather Duke. Runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants.
And Heather Chandler. The Almighty.
students and faculty (SUNG): heather…
She is a mythic bitch.
The Heathers are solid Teflon – never bothered, never harassed. I would give anything to be like that.
chandler: my parents pay your salary
Actually, Ms. Fleming…
…all four of us are out ON a hall pass. Yearbook committee.
chandler: this is an excellent forgery. who are you?
Veronica Sawyer. I crave a boon.
chandler: what boon?
Let me sit at your table at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary. If people think you guys tolerate me they’ll leave me alone. Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes.
chandler: okay?
Okay!
top of scene 2
Dear Diary: It’s been three weeks since I became friends with the Heathers.
“Friends” isn’t the right word, exactly. It’s more like the Heathers are people I work with and our job is being popular and shit.
martha: hey veronica
Hey.
martha: you look really beautiful these days
Yeah, well, it’s still the same me underneath.
martha: are you sure?
Look, I’m sorry I flaked on movie night last week. I’ve had a lot going on.
martha: i get that. you’re with the heathers now. it’s exciting
It’s whatever. But we’ll hang soon, I promise.
duke: veronica! heather requires your presence. now.
How very.
chandler: put an XO after the signature
What’s this for anyway?
chandler: you remember how ram used to hang with martha dumptrunk?
Well yeah, in kindergarten. We all did.
chandler: be a sweetie and give this note to martha dumptruck for me
What? No!
Martha’s had a crush on Ram for like twelve years now, this will kill her. C’mon, Heather, you’re bigger than this.
martha: this PROVES he’s been thinking about me
…Color me stoked.
jd: they’re gonna crush that girl
I’m sorry, what?
jd: we are all born marked for evil
Okay, don’t quote Baudelaire at me and walk away, excuse me? Didn’t catch your name.
chandler: your mouth was hanging open
No it wasn’t.
chandler: i mean seriously veronica – drool much?
It was nothing like that.
chandler: come on admit it you like the new kid
I don’t even know his name.
chandler hits ball towards parents
Mom, Dad! Look out!
dad: doggone it, will somebody please tell me why i read these spy novels
‘Cause you’re an idiot, Dad.
mom: so girls. any plans for tonight?
Big homecoming party at Ram Sweeney’s house. I’m catching a ride with Heather.
chandler: speaking of which
Right. Great pâté, Mom, but we have to motor if we want to be ready for that party.
mom: i forbid you to go anywhere with that girl
Mom.
mom: she has no respect for anything
I know what she is. What they all are. But they will get me safely through high school. I’m not gonna change, I promise.
beat
Can I go?
mom nods
Thanks.
chandler: veronica! dont forget to buy corn nuts! it’s not a party without corn nuts!
Yes, Heather! Plain or BQ?
jd: greetings and salutations. you want a slurpee with that?
No, but if you’re nice I’ll let you buy me a Big Gulp.
jd: did you say cherry or lime?
I said Big Gulp. I’m Veronica, by the way. Veronica Sawyer. You ever gonna tell me your name?
jd: i’ll end the suspense. jason dean, jd for short
So, “J.D.” That thing you pulled in the caf was pretty severe.
jd: the extreme always seems to make an impression
What brings a Baudelaire-quoting bad-ass like you to Sherwood, Ohio?
jd: my dad’s work. he owns a de-construction company
“De-construction”?
jd: im big bud dean. if its in the way, ill make your day…
Right, then he pushes the plunger and the screen blows up. That’s your dad?
jd: in all his toxic glory
Well, everyone’s life has got static.
chandler: veronica!!!!!
Example. I don’t really like my friends.
jd: i don’t like your friends either. bag the party, hang here
At the 7-Eleven? Swanky first date.
jd: hey i love this place
No offense, but why?
jd: care for a hit?
Does your mommy know you eat all this crap?
jd: try it
I don’t see what the big deeeAHAHAHAAAGHAMN!
Son of a bitch!
chandler: veronica!
I gotta go.
chandler: corn nuts?
Yes, Heather.
preppy stud: veronica, looking good tonight
Whoa.
martha entrance
I can’t believe you actually came.
mcnamara: bring out the piñata!
What is your damage, Heather?!
duke: what do you think you’re doing?! come back here with that! veronica cmon!
You want it? Swim for it.
martha: what’s going on?
Go home. I’ll explain later.
Go.
Well, we gave it a shot. I’m resigning my commission from the Lip Glass Gestapo. Going back to civilian life.
chandler: no!
Don’t spin me, I’m not feeling well.
chandler: aaaagh! i raised you up from nothing. and what’s my thanks? i got paid in puke!
Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.
chandler: hello, slut. :)
How did you get in here?
chandler: everyone’s gonna know good little veronica sawyer is nothing but a dirty whore
Why are you so determined to hurt me?
jd: you okay? you’re soaking wet
It was just a dream.
jd: what’s the rush?
I’ve gotta get to Heather’s house.
jd: why?! you said you were done with heather
Yeah, and it was a sweet fantasy. A world without Heather. A world where everyone is free. But now it’s morning and I have to go kiss her aerobicized ass.
jd: let me come with
Really?
jd: for backup
Okay, thanks.
By the way… You were my first.
top of scene 7
Heather?
jd: maybe she’s not here
Trust me. She skips the Sunday morning trip to Grandma’s even when she’s not hungover.
Heather? Heather!
chandler: what?!
It’s Veronica. I’m here to apologize.
jd: don’t forget the Worcestershire
You know your hangover cures.
jd: my dad taught me all kinds of stuff
Oh, hey, here’s my revenge. I’m gonna drop a phlegm globber in her prairie oyster. She’ll never know.
jd: i’m a no rust build up man myself
Don’t be a dick. That stuff’ll kill her.
jd: thus ending her hangover. i say we go with big blue
What are you doing? You can’t just – Besides, she’d never drink anything that looks like that.
jd: ceramic mug, dim light, she won’t know what she’s drinking
Forget it.
jd: chick-en
You’re not funny.
jd: veronica – you…
I what?
jd: good luck
Morning, Heather.
chandler: let’s get to it. beg.
We both said things we didn’t mean last night.
chandler: i actually would prefer you did this on your knees. in front of your boy toy here
Uh-huh. Anyhow, I’m really sorry –
jd: quelle surprise, indeed
Don’t just stand there! Call 911!
jd: little late for that
Heather! Heather, wake up! Oh my God! I just killed my best friend.
jd: and your worst enemy
Same difference. The police are going to think I did this on purpose! They’re gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin!
jd: look. she was reading the bell jar
Oh no.
veronica (SUNG): i was having my period
Oh my God!
jd: this isnt funny! you could go to jail! get your head straight. now!
Heather would never use the word “myriad,” okay?! She missed it on her vocabulary quiz.
jd: so it’s a badge for her failures at school! work with me
Okay, okay.
Dear world…
ms. fleming: veronica? something on your mind?
I’m sorry. It’s just, this discussion has stirred up emotions I haven’t felt since Hands Across America.
ms. fleming: I gave Heather a c-minus last week and now i lie awake at night wondering…
God, turn it off!
ms. fleming: …is that what set her over the edge?
I’m tired of watching this crap. Shows like this make suicide look cool. “Hey kids, make your teacher cry, get the respect you didn’t get in life.” It’s gross.
beat
Do you think Heather’s mother will keep everything in her room the same, like she’s alive?
jd: well that rug’s gonna need a good cleaning. why?
I feel bad. She was a human being and we killed her.
beat
You feel bad too, right?
jd: you want some ice cream? let’s go hit dairy queen
What’s wrong?
jd: we need to leave, now
What’s going on?
jd: it’s my dad
Cool, I wanna meet him.
big bud: jason! show time!
Mr. Dean, hello.
big bud: where’s your house, sweetheart?
I should go. My mom’s expecting me for dinner. Spaghetti with lots of oregano.
jd: right, SON
Okay well… See you tomorrow.
Dear Diary: J.D.’s dad will NOT be speaking at our wedding.
phone rings
Hello?
mcnamara: veronica, i need help. i’m out at Lehmann’s farm
What’s wrong?
mcnamara: exactly
What are you two doing in the middle of a cow pasture?
mcnamara: kurt and ram saw cows and stopped the car
Why? There’s nothing out here but –
kurt: count of three
What are they doing?
duke: so immature
C’mon, I’ll drive you guys home.
duke: that’s not why we called you. we made a deal with the guys
Deal? What kind of deal?
mcnamara: if we got you to show up here, kurt promised to give us his car keys so heather and i could go home
Show up for what exactly?
mcnamara: cmon, ive seen you looking at kurt
What?
mcnamara: you think hes cute right?
No.
mcnamara: and ram? also very cute
No!
kurt: yeah, yeah. all right
Oh no. No, no, no.
duke: dont do anything we wouldnt do!
Come on, give me my keys.
Stop screwing around. I have to get home!
ram: not when you’re dressed like that
Dressed like what? This is what I always wear.
top of scene 10
That was a close call. My so-called friends avoided date rate by volunteering me for date rape.
chandler: that sort of assholery never happened when i was in charge
Oh. You.
chandler: i kept ram and kurt on a tight leash
Look, I’m sorry you’re dead and all, but let’s not rewrite history. You were a thug.
chandler: what are those two pillowcases doing?
Looks like they’re cleaning out your locker.
ram (SUNG): she took two for the team
What?!
duke, kurt, and ram (SUNG): freak!
That’s a lie!
duke, kurt, and ram (SUNG): slut!
Heather! Why?
duke, kurt, ram, and students (SUNG): swordfight in her mouth!
Aagh!
principal gowan: get to class, all of you!
You okay?
jd: sort of. what about you?
I’m fine. Awesome.
Sorry about the waterworks.
jd (SUNG): our love is god
Are you okay?
kurt: yeah-lo?
Kurt…?
kurt: hey! veronica?
Sorry about the other night. I just couldn’t decide which of you two hot gentlemen I wanted to be with. Then I realized, why decide at all?
kurt: wait what?
Meet me at the cemetery. At dawn.
kurt: who? me? or ram?
Yes.
*jd pulls out pistols”
Whoa, are they real?
jd: yeah but we’re filling them with ich luge bullets
“Ich luge”?
ram: uh…so do we just whip it out or what?
Take it slow, Ram. Strip for me.
Oh, I liked the tie.
kurt: what about you?
I was hoping you’d rip my clothes off me, Sport. Count of three.
One…two…
jd: dont move! ill get him back!
Ram? You’re just unconscious, right? Ram? Ram!
jd shoots kurt
What the fuck have you done?!
top of act two
Dear Diary:
jd: there’s been a distinct lack of girls climbing through my bedroom window lately
Take the hint.
jd: okay, you’re mad. i get it
No, I don’t think you do. “Ich luge” bullets?! You lied to me!
jd: you were lying to yourself. you wanted them dead too
I did not!
jd: did too
Did not!
jd: did too
Did not!
jd: did they make you cry?
Yes.
jd: can they make you cry now?
No. But you can.
jd: just wait till you see the good that comes of this
What good could possibly come of this?
jd: call me an optimist
Dear Diary: My teenage angst bullshit has a body count.
jd: well what is that i smell in the air? tolerance? inclusion? love? how often can you say its a good day in sherwood ohio? youre welcome town
You don’t have to be so smug about it.
jd: your love keeps me humble. so whos next? heather duke?
What?
jd: she started that rumor about you. we could underline meaningful passages in her copy of moby dick if you know what i mean
No!
Three people are dead. This ends here.
jd: or what?
…Or I’m breaking up with you.
jd: any war has casualties. doesnt mean its not worth fighting. but what youd rather go to jail? and give a free pass to the cannibals? the assholes who make the world so unbearable you cant stand to go on living?
J.D., how did you mother die?
jd: you really want to know?
I do.
jd: kaboooooooooom. she left me
I’m really sorry.
jd: the pain gives me clarity. you and i are special. we have a lot of work to do
What work?
jd: making the world a decent place for people who are decent
And when does it end?
jd: when every asshole is dead
Aaagh!
chandler: oh dont give me that wounded look. you know exactly what he is. and you love it
Just stop talking.
martha: veronica can i talk to you? in private
Sure, what?
chandler: nancy drew is onto you veronica
Why would you say that? They found a suicide note.
chandler: i am in love with this fat girl!
Who’d want to kill Ram and Kurt?
chandler: i bet theres all kinds of interesting things in that locker. maybe some ich luge bullets?
Martha…this is a pretty wild theory.
martha: he kissed me remember? on the kickball field
Yeah, in kindergarten!
martha: im gonna confront jd
You floor me, Martha. You really do.
martha: what do you mean?
Ram didn’t write that love note. I did.
martha: no
Yeah, the Heathers put me up to it. The whole school was in on the joke. And nobody laughed harder than Ram. He didn’t love you. He was a dick, he’s dead, move on!
martha walks away
Shit.
I had to hurt her. You see that, right? If J.D. ever caught her snooping around his stuff, he’d…
chandler: …kill her? is that what youre afraid of?
I…
chandler: thats what i thought. cmon assholes
Dear diary. What am I doing?
ms fleming: heather mcnamara, share that pain!
Heather, don’t do this. Not here.
ms fleming: no no no. dont stop heather
Let’s go somewhere and talk. Just you and me.
ms fleming: thats it young lady-one months detention! turn off the cameras! turn them off god dammit!
Is that all you care about? TV cameras?
ms fleming: i care about saving lives. heather duke ruined a valuable teaching moment-
– Valuable?! None of us want this spectacle. To be experimented on like guinea pigs, patronized like bunny rabbits!
chandler: this is their big secret. the adults are powerless
Heather trusted you! You said you’d protect her!
chandler: they cant help us. nobody can help us
You’re useless!
end of shine a light (reprise)
Heather, no!
chandler: we’re alone in the ocean!
You’re all idiots! Heather Chandler was a bully, just like Kurt and Ram! They didn’t kill themselves! I killed them!
duke: god! some people will say anything if they think itll make them popular. youre worse than mcnamara
Heather. Heather!
mcnamara: suicide is a private thing
Throwing your life away so USA Today can print your picture under the headline “troubled teens” – that’s the least private thing I can think of.
mcnamara: but what about heather and ram and kurt?
If everyone jumped off a bridge, young lady, would you?
mcnamara: probably
Oh. Well, if you were happy all the time, you wouldn’t be human. You’d be a game show host.
mcnamara: thanks for coming after me
You’re welcome.
top of scene 4
So I’m guessing you’re mad about that confession, huh?
jd: not mad. confused. you wanted us to be normal teenagers. i did that. i joined the goddamn AV club for you!
I know.
jd: do you know what would’ve happened if theyd actually believed your confession? handcuffs. separate cells. cops trying to turn us against each other. right before they ship us off to different prisons. is that what you want? be honest
Of course not.
jd: well what then?
Everyone’s cashing in on these fake suicides, making it about them. It’s a sick trend and we started it.
jd: turning ourselves in wont stop human nature
Then what? Fleming’s little kumbaya party almost ended with Heather Mac dead on a bathroom floor.
jd: fleming’s not the problem. heather duke is. shes the one who made mcnamara want to die. if you want to slay the dragon, cut off its head
Stop.
Jd: but no, youd rather treat bubonic plague with bandaids. we had the power to change things. but we gave that up to be “normal teenagers.” good luck at school tomorrow heather mac, hope you dont die!
We are out of the change business.
You made me a promise remember? I’m holding you to it! Are you even listening? Stop talking over me!
You promised!
jd: what? it pissed off my dad. its funny
None of this is funny! Why are you carrying a loaded weapon?
jd: protection
From what?
jd: we gotta stop pretending. this is who i am. if you dont like it, take it up with him. he made me.
Ohh. Martha was right about you.
jd: now lets have a real conversation
She was right and I broke her heart.
jd: lets talk about heather duke
No, let’s talk about you!
jd: but i love you!
Dude.
top of scene 6
Martha wasn’t in homeroom today.
mcnamara: well did you try calling her house?
It just goes straight to her answering machine. Where the hell could she be?
duke: hey guys! missed you after third period
We were avoiding you because you’re a terrible person.
duke: fine skip the foreplay. sign this
What is this?
duke: its a petition to have mtv throw a spring break blowout to raise suicide awareness. i got everybody to sign. people love me. im gonna make an inspirational speech about it at the pep rally tonight
Ucch, count me out.
chandler: ooh the plot thickens
J.D.?
chandler: did you hurt your finger veronica? cause i notice you still haven’t dialed the cops.
Listen, I don’t know what J.D.’s up to, but if you know what’s good for you, you’ll throw that clipboard away.
duke: not a chance. this is very important work we’re doing. i mean now martha dumptruck. where does it end?
What about Martha?
duke: they haven’t announced it yet, but i hear last night she did a belly flop off the mill creek bridge holding a suicide note
Oh my God.
chandler: huh. i wonder what was upsetting her
…Is she alive?
dead teens (SUNG): smell how gansta you are
Martha, I’m so sorry.
mom: we’ve been worried sick. your friend jd stopped by. he told us everything
…Everything?
mom: he even showed us your copy of moby dick
This is not my handwriting.
chandler: he’s thought of everything veronica
What kind of doctor?
dead teens (SUNG): guess whos right down the block
You’re sending me to a shrink?
dead teens (SUNG): guess whos picking your lock
I am not the problem!
jd: knock knock! sorry to come in through the window. dreadful etiquette i know
Get out of my house!
jd: hiding in the closet? cmon unlock the door
I’ll scream and my parents will call the police.
jd: all is forgiven baby! come out and get dressed! youre my date to the pep rally tonight!
What? Why!
mom: veronica! i made you a snack. veronica?
Mom, Mom. It’s okay!
Mom! Stop! I’m fine. Look! See? Just a joke.
mom: its not funny!
I love you, Mom.
ms fleming: veronica! jason dean told us you just committed suicide.
Yeah well, he’s wrong about a lot of things.
ms fleming: i threw together a lovely tribute. especially given the short notice
Ms. Fleming, what’s under the gym?
ms fleming: the boiler room
That’s it!
top of scene 7
A Norwegian in the boiler room. Just like your dad.
jd: huh. and here i thought youd lost your taste for faking suicides
Step away from the bomb.
jd: was it good for you? kinda sucked for me
It’s over J.D. Which wire do I pull? Which wire? J.D.!
Everybody get out! There’s a bomb! You’ve got to evacuate!
Hello! I don’t know how much time we’ve got! Can anybody hear me?
Okay. Think. If I move the trigger bomb far enough away…
…it can’t set off the thermals. Right? Right.
Ow!
Dear Diary.
I still believe there’s good in everyone, even the worst of us.
I believe we’re all worth saving. And I guess that’s a belief I’m willing to die for.
jd: youll never make it in time. not on that ankle
How much farther?
jd: middle of the football field should do it. let me take it the rest of the way
No way. It’s a trick.
duke: you look like hell
Yeah? I just got back.
martha: what?
My date for the pep rally kind of blew…me off. SO I was wondering if you weren’t doing anything tonight, maybe we could pop some Jiffy Pop, rent some new releases? Something with a happy ending?
