Fucked up fairytale Flashcards
And of course, the dragon issue
(crowd reacts)
Bread! Bread for sale! reasonably priced for these hard times…
E.A: what was that?
I said, bread for sale! You see, I make bread. I am just a poor orphan, bread selling boy. Bread baked in sunshine!
Is that some sort of attempt to brand your product? Sunshine bread?
No. I actually bake my bread in sunshine. I have no oven, only a magnifying glass and some warm rocks (beat) dont ask how i warmed them
E.A: Now! back to the press conference
I have 3 signature flavours! Raisin, meat, and mystery bread
That’s all well and good but the royal family prefers croissants
CROISSANTS ARE RICHY RICH THINGS!! Ahem. Bread for sale!
Let’s hear from our first speaker. Born and raised in our very kingdom, a former employee of the royal court, please give a warm welcome to…
that’s the jester!
Jester: yes, hello. i am-
a joke!
The king is ruining our land! Food shortages! Dragons everywhere! No available horses for purchase
It’s true. I had to horse pool to even get here
E.A: If you start singing i WILL throw up! Now people! Let’s go back to your lives
Bread! Bread for sale! Who wants bread?
etc etc chase everyone offstage
E.A: Regardless, it will work. I know it will. Now-
(interrupt and walk on stage thru castle entrance) Bread for sale! Who is wants bread?
Wait a minute! That’s not in the script! What are you doing here? How did you get here???
Selling BREAD. Want some bread, strange shadowy guy in the corner?
Take the lights off me!! And get backstage!!
Awww okay (EXIT)
A strange figure stood in the darkness of night in the town square. This figure had a plan for themself
(turn around) I have to find a way to make more bread. Cooking under the sun on a suspiciously warmed rock won’t work anymore! I’ll have to… STEAL the half human half dragon hybrid! I can use their fire to REALLY cook my bread. Yes, then I’ll be unstoppable! And I see absolutely NO repercussions for this!
I could help you with that
What? Whos there? Who comes to help a poor orphaned bread boy?
Tis I! Tonald Rump, and of course I can help. You just need to help me with my campaign and you’ll get that hybrid
Really, mr butt sir?
it’s RUMP. And it has nothing to do with YOUR rump. But yes, I can do that. I’ll shake on it.
Oh no I don’t shake hands. Want some.. mystery bread instead?
This will solve another problem, too. You know that plague hoax that’s been going around?
Yeah, it killed my aunt and her 7 kids
If we save the princess and kill the dragon, the royal family will be too distracted to keep the hoax and the plague will disappear! Kill two dragons with one stone!
Not to interrupt, but isn’t it kill two BIRDS with one stone? I mean, you can’t even kill ONE dragon with one stone
No worries my very dumb friend. it’s AN ANALOGY!!
Um. Not to interrupt this JOYOUS MOMENT but don’t you mean a metaphor?
Princess: yeah dude, the dragon never wanted to kill me
EA: wait, your majesty! What’s wrong with your voice?
Leofeu: forget his voice! Where did your accent go?
(show up in the drama room not onstage) BREAD!! BREAD FOR SALE!!
(basically just offer bread to ppl in the audience)
Where did YOU come from?
Where DID i come from? Hey narrator, where did I come from?
I’ll be your new narrator, and I have some good, proper plans for a nice fairytale kingdom
Heyyy mr new narrator! Want some bread??
My name isn’t mr steve. Now. Bread boy.
(being chased around, he beats me up :( ) ow. ow. ow. ow.
Welcome to the team.
Thank you sir.
Welcome to the party! I got that from Bruce Willis.
Welcome back.
And I want to see you two fight again! yeah that was good! Go back to that!
wait WHAT
AHH PLEASE DONT BURN ME
excuse me, demon- uh i mean. uh. dragon person thing? Uh. Laff, leo- lefy- laffy taffy, le-
Leofeu?
Yeah! That! May we uhhhh,,, team up? To make my bread! Now youre free and i dont have the jester and the knight anymore?
after you and your team tried to kidnap and kill me?
yeah.
As for me, I leave this terrible place and actually narrate the newest disney movie
Whats disney?
