ES1 Flashcards
Questions to ask
Your questions should start with words like “How” and “Why” and should evoke discussion rather than one word responses.
Some examples of open-ended questions are: “What happened?” “What will you do next?” “How did that make you feel?”
What do you think about that?”
Restate what the person is saying.
“It sounds like you are saying…” or “What I’m hearing is…”
“So you’re frustrated that the professor gave you so little warning.”
“Wow, you seem really excited!”
“That must have been hard.”
“Tell me if I’ve got this straight. You felt hurt when my brother mimicked your disability accent, and I didn’t say anything?”
Listening and showing empathy does not mean that you necessarily agree with what the person is saying; rather it is reflecting that you care about them and what they are experiencing.
Avoid saying “I told you so,” “It’s really not that big of a deal,” “It can’t be that bad,” “You’re blowing it out of proportion” or other critical or minimizing comments.
Don’t say “That’s not worth getting angry about.”
Instead, you could say something like, “I understand why that would make you angry” or “You sound pretty mad.”
Guess what the other person is feeling. They may be confused or not actually sure themselves.
Don’t tell the person how they are feeling. Instead, provide suggestions. You could say “It sounds like you’re feeling pretty disappointed” or “You seem pretty upset”
“I imagine you’re feeling pretty hurt?”
Your agenda should not be to fix the problem or find the solutions. Instead, focus on providing a safe space where the person will feel heard.
Do not try to talk the person out of feeling a certain way. Remember, they have a right to feel how they are feeling. Demonstrating emotional support means acceptance of their right to experience her emotions, whatever they are.
Reassure the person that their feelings are normal.
“That’s a lot to deal with.”
“I’m sorry that this is happening.”
“It sounds like that really hurt you.”
“I understand.”
“That would make me angry too.”
“I think most people in that situation would feel that way.”
“It’s okay to be squeamish about your flu shot. Nobody likes those.”
“Of course you’re worried about asking your boss for a promotion. This sort of thing is scary for literally everyone.”
“Well, no wonder you don’t feel like going out today.”
Own body language
Try to nod, smile, and make eye contact
Ask the person what they want to do.
What if can be a useful phrase for this:
What if you and your supervisor had a discussion about a pay raise?”
What if you planned a stress-free vacation for your family?”
Respond to their general mood and energy level.
For example, if your best friend is very excited about his first date with someone new, he might appreciate you getting excited with him or showing happiness. On the other hand, if he’s tentative about it, then you getting too excited might make him feel smothered.
Recall a similar experience you’ve had.
For example, if a friend didn’t get invited to his sisters’ vacation, you could say, “Yes, loneliness is really hard. My brother and cousin do a camping trip every year, and I’m never invited. It makes me disappointed and sad that I’m left out of the loop. I totally get why you feel down about not being invited to your sisters’ thing. It’s not fun to be left out.”
Acknowledge their personal history.
“Given how Amy treated you, I totally understand why you’d want to take a break from dating. That’s a lot to recover from.”
“After that last roller coaster ride, I can see why you’d be hesitant about this one. Want to ride the merry-go-round instead?”
“Given you got bit by a dog last year, I can see why you’re neighbor’s new dog might make you nervous.”
If no personal experience, acknowledge that the feeling in general is normal
For example, say a friend is stressed due to a divorce. Don’t try to empathize directly if you’ve never been divorced by bringing up a breakup you had. Instead, validate using more general terms. For example, “It’s completely understandable you feel that way. Divorce is really tough on most people.”
Don’t try to minimise feelings
Don’t say:
"Oh, it's not so bad." "It's not a big deal." "Let's stay positive." "It'll all work out in the end! Don't worry." "Just toughen up." "Look on the bright side."
If they do want you to help find a solution
If they are open to having you help brainstorm, make sure that you aren’t telling them what to do. For example, instead of saying “You should let go of him,” try saying “Personally, I try to let go of people who don’t want to be in my life, and focus on those who matter.” This lets them decide whether they want to do it your way or not.
Narrow down what they’re upset about.
Ask questions until you can figure out what’s really bothering them. May help give them some relief. It’s also encouraging them to talk and express their feelings, which gives more opportunities to validate their feelings and affirm their positive qualities.
