dinkle and clegg Flashcards
start of sketch
Well howdy folks! Now, you may be wondering, what are two back wood hillbillies doing on the big stage here? Well, let my answer that question with a follow up question, aren’t you tired of goats that don’t do nothin’ but stand around lookin pretty? Well here at Dinkle and Cleggs goat farm, we got real goats for real people. Ain’t that right clegg?
(.. ain’t that right clegg?” Uh. uhh… huhh oh! yes. we have goats.
Sorry ‘bout that folks! seems my brother’s got a bit of stage fright here. He’s not usually this stiff and weird! Our goats though? Swell they are stiff and weird! Uh, like I said, we promise real goats.
Clegg…it’s your line.
(your line) Shit what?
Real goats. we haven’t made it past real goats.
oh lord I can’t do this. R- real goats! that’s right! our goats are e- even intelli- uh, sm- smart!
You may be wondering, goats? they don’t get smart! Well yall have clearly not spent your life around as many goats as us. Why Clegg over here, his daddy was a goat!
Momma got kicked in the belly back in ‘82
We don’t really get it either. We think he was conceived by the force of the blow. He took a 23 and me and we found out he’s 40% appalachian goat and 60% don’t tell the church.
m- maybe momma just really liked the warm embrace of goats.
Clegg, now why would you say that?? Now I feel like I gotta put out this disclaimer. we do not want you to have sexual relations with any of these goats. we have denied service before and we still do it again. movin’ away from this weird turn, we got all kinds goats.
L- lord there’s a lot of people in here.
We’re sellin’ specialty goats. Need a goat to keep your mother in law away? We gotcha! just put her in a room with a rabies goat, shell stop comin’ by.
We got a real expensive goat that’ll look at you and nod as you vent. we call him Therapy Theo.
Im not even gonna get started on cannabis carrie.
We even gotta host that ferments bread into alcoholic goat milk! Clegg had a few of those before bed every night.
Wh- when i milk her she winks at me.
That’s fine. probably not something’ worth worryin’ over.
She keeps puttin’ pictures of me sleepin’ in her pen at night. I- I don’t know how she’s gettin those!
Now, you may be wondering, why are these two willin’ to sell their goats if they’re so special?
(willing to sell) Uh… l- let us tell you!
We bred too many… uh… fantastic goats
Too many goddamn goats. We’re drownin’ in hooves like a grandmas basement after a spring flood.
And if we’re being totally honest, some of these goats scare us. Techno Tony learned how to work powerpoint the other day. how does a goat learn powerpoint??
One of the slides just said “I remember Vietnam”
We’ve got one goat that we’re not even sure how to name. She starts levitating every time “Before he Cheats” starts playin
It’s either divine or deeply cursed
And damn Arson Andy keeps settin’ fire to our farmhouse. In the last year alone we’ve had more fires than a tesla recall.
the goat that shared a pen with him stays up all night. he taught himself morse code and stomps S.O.S from sundown to sun up, like he’s beggin’ the marines to come save him or something
Andy causes a whole heap of problems got us. we need to rotate his pen mate every so often or I think they become clinically depressed.
Let me tell you, I’ve spent a whole lotta time gazing into the eyes of goats, and Andy’s? His truly have no light. I think he’s evil… last night his pen mate climbed a ladder and got on the roof. We couldn’t get him off got hours as he stomped around up there. I was scared for the fellas life, but t- then he just locked eyes with me and jumped. He landed in the pool and didn’t spill a drop, he didn’t struggle, just sunk to the bottom like a rock.
Pretty smart goat, huh?
No matter what I do that scene won’t stop playing in my head
Oooookay folks! we’re out of time. remember our goat farm is now officially sponsored by Dennys!
We’re not sure what they’re doin with so many goats but I have to wonder if they’re what makes the sausage so good.
and if you’re lookin’ for us folks, we’re right past the waffle house where we hold our conferences. You’ll know it cause the manager is always doin’ lines and yellin’ about how the “eggs are from the deep state”
And then he wiped his nose with a waffle thinkin it’s a napkin
We hope to see yall there
(together but off timing) Dinkle and Cleggs goat farm. More goats than you can handle
