Dad Jokes Flashcards
I went to a zoo once…
But the only animal they had was a dog. It was a shitzu.
Air used to be free at the gas station…
Today they charge $1.50. Do you know why that is? Inflation
My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did something.
You should write a book of all your dad jokes.
That’s a novel idea.
My girlfriend asked me, “Are you ever surprised at how little people change?”
I said, “Actually the process is the same—apart from their tiny clothes.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…
But it was his own dumb asphalt.
Netflix is working on a new series about an airplane…
They are currently filming the pilot.
Norway has decided to paint QR code’s on the side of their war ships.
That way they can Scandinavian.
I wasn’t popular when I was younger…
Whenever someone told a joke I would throw up… it was a gag reflex.
Today I’m much more popular because I don’t have a gag flex.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Dad’s masturbating advice.
My dad once walked into my room. He said, “masturbating can make you go blind.”
I said, “Over here, dad.”
Did you hear about the coin shortage?
Apparently, a third of the country lacks common cents.
Why do cows wear a bell?
Because their horns don’t work.
I used to be proud of my heritage.
Then I found out I have a great grandfather from Transylvania. Now, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
A lot of people are unknown because they have siblings who are very famous.
Karl Marx had a sister who invented the starting pistol. Onya. Onya Marx.
Did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut.
I defeated the local chess champion in 5 moves.
I finally got some use out of my high school karate lessons.
I’ve only ever had one nickname.
Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I was ok with it.
Back in the 60s some hippy drowned here.
The lifeguards couldn’t save him. He was too far out, man.
There are many interesting looking dogs.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.
It’s a challenge being blind.
That’s why you gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
It’s a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes.
Why is that?
It’s the rule.
Who makes the rules?
The Dad Poet Society.
Someone smashes their toe.
Ouch, is it bad? Do you want me to call a toe truck?
I was named after my dad.
Which makes sense, I couldn’t have been named before him.
Apparently you can use a 3D printer to print a gun.
I’m not impressed. When I was younger my school had a canon printer.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
Think about it. When was the last time you ate a monkey?
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
I have a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
…I’m going to go clean up, now.
I’m hungry.
Hi, Hungry. I’m dad.
If you think Thursdays are depressing wait two more days.
It will be a sadder day.
Marissa and I are in a bit of a rough patch.
She kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.
But don’t worry… I’ll return.
I think that officer writing the ticket is crying.
It must be a moving violation.
This guy was a jerk to the cashier…
So she scanned his eyes with the bar code reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
I experimented with sex and drugs in high school.
Unfortunately, I was part of the control group.
I can breathe underwater.
*hold a glass of water above my head
How come Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms.
The gamma experiment altered his jeans.
I watched my grandpa die.
Idiot doctors couldn’t figure out his blood type. But he was brave, and kept telling us over and over, “Be positive, be positive.”
I dated a communist once.
It did not end well. I should have noticed all the red flags.
You and your palindromes.
We ought to call you Dr. Awkward.
Whatever means necessary.
No, it doesn’t.
Which weighs more: a pound of water or a pound of butane.
No, butane is a lighter fluid.
There is no onboarding for people hired as trash collectors.
They pick up as they go.
Autocorrect frustrations:
Whoever invented autocorrect should burn in hello
2 gloves that are both lefts.
On the one hand, it’s fine.
On the other hand, it doesn’t feel right.
Printer jammed.
You would think you’d hear some music with all this paper jamming.
My sister and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
…but I laugh more.
(At dinner) I’m not yet full…
I think I’ll do a small bit of time traveling and go back 4 seconds.
Marissa accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
I had sex with a blind woman
She said I had the biggest penis she had ever put her hands on. Turns out she was just pulling my leg.
Paying for parking
Too bad we’re not driving a sleigh. Santa Claus never pays for parking.
Because for him parking is always on the house.
It seems like it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can’t be that hard.
A hand cannot be 12 inches long.
Otherwise it would be a foot.
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarves.
Very little.
I got gas the other day for $1.39.
I wouldn’t recommend Taco Bell.
I can tell someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing, too.
My ex once asked if she was the only one I had ever slept with.
I told her she was the only one. The rest were 9s and 10s.
E was the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present.
The other letters were not E.
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now
*holding a red pepper
What I got, you gotta get it, put it in you.
I was going to get my glasses fixed and guess who I ran into…
Everybody
Marissa thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I leave the room I hear her say, “what an ass.”
Are you hungry?
No, I’m Mike.
Ivy and I are working on the alphabet.
We can get to X, but we always get stuck. We don’t know why?
Are people born with a photographic memory…
Or does it take time to develop?
I didn’t like that massage therapist.
She rubbed me the wrong way.
Circumcision is painful.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for months.
Elevators terrify me…
So I take steps to avoid them.
Getting a kite stuck in a tree
It wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen, but it’s up there.
Vampires aren’t real…
Unless you Count Dracula.
I never understood why people dislike vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with them.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
*Locked out of house / car
Calmly talk to the lock, communication is key.
Worried about your phone / computer spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Can you give me a hand?
*Start clapping
Buying a new couch or car
The salesman said it could fit 6 people without a problem. Where the hell am I going to find 6 people without problems.
What’s up stairs?
Yeah, how ya doing stairs?
Someone hurts their toe.
Do you want me to call a toe truck?
I think your cat is a communist.
It won’t shut up about Mao.
My niece and nephew were proud…
They had made a telephone with tin cans and a string. I pulled out my iPhone, “Look at what kids your age made in China.”
I broke up with a girl in college…
Because she screamed so loud during sex. I could hear her in the other dorm.
The last time I went out drinking…
I woke up to a blow job. I must have passed out with my mouth open.
My grandpa used to say…
“When one door closes another door opens.” He was a great man but a terrible cabinet maker.
What did you do yesterday?
I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar. My life’s a joke.
When Marissa wears my clothes…
It’s cute and endearing. When I wear her clothes, we have to have “a little chat.”
For my birthday, Marissa said…
we could watch a porn together and do everything in the video. I was super excited until she fucked the pizza guy.
Strippers don’t have…
Air conditioning in their houses. Only fans.
Do you have a tattoo?
I have “I love you” tattooed on my penis. Marissa hates it. “You’re always trying to put words in my mouth.”
Giving to homeless
I gave him a phone and about $100 dollars. You will never know the happiness I felt in that moment… when he put the gun away.
