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Social Skills > Dad Jokes > Flashcards

Dad Jokes Flashcards

1
Q

I went to a zoo once…

A

But the only animal they had was a dog. It was a shitzu.

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2
Q

Air used to be free at the gas station…

A

Today they charge $1.50. Do you know why that is? Inflation

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3
Q

My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy.

A

It’s not like I did something.

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4
Q

You should write a book of all your dad jokes.

A

That’s a novel idea.

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5
Q

My girlfriend asked me, “Are you ever surprised at how little people change?”

A

I said, “Actually the process is the same—apart from their tiny clothes.

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6
Q

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?

A

Chicken sees a salad.

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7
Q

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…

A

But it was his own dumb asphalt.

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8
Q

Netflix is working on a new series about an airplane…

A

They are currently filming the pilot.

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9
Q

Norway has decided to paint QR code’s on the side of their war ships.

A

That way they can Scandinavian.

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10
Q

I wasn’t popular when I was younger…

A

Whenever someone told a joke I would throw up… it was a gag reflex.
Today I’m much more popular because I don’t have a gag flex.

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11
Q

How does the moon cut his hair?

A

Eclipse it.

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12
Q

Dad’s masturbating advice.

A

My dad once walked into my room. He said, “masturbating can make you go blind.”
I said, “Over here, dad.”

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13
Q

Did you hear about the coin shortage?

A

Apparently, a third of the country lacks common cents.

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14
Q

Why do cows wear a bell?

A

Because their horns don’t work.

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15
Q

I used to be proud of my heritage.

A

Then I found out I have a great grandfather from Transylvania. Now, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

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16
Q

What’s blue and not very heavy?

A

Light blue.

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17
Q

A lot of people are unknown because they have siblings who are very famous.

A

Karl Marx had a sister who invented the starting pistol. Onya. Onya Marx.

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18
Q

Did you get a haircut?

A

No, I got them all cut.

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19
Q

I defeated the local chess champion in 5 moves.

A

I finally got some use out of my high school karate lessons.

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20
Q

I’ve only ever had one nickname.

A

Mr. Compromise.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I was ok with it.

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21
Q

Back in the 60s some hippy drowned here.

A

The lifeguards couldn’t save him. He was too far out, man.

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22
Q

There are many interesting looking dogs.

A

I spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.

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23
Q

It’s a challenge being blind.

A

That’s why you gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

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24
Q

It’s a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes.

A

Why is that?
It’s the rule.

Who makes the rules?
The Dad Poet Society.

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25
Q

Someone smashes their toe.

A

Ouch, is it bad? Do you want me to call a toe truck?

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26
Q

I was named after my dad.

A

Which makes sense, I couldn’t have been named before him.

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27
Q

Apparently you can use a 3D printer to print a gun.

A

I’m not impressed. When I was younger my school had a canon printer.

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28
Q

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

A

Think about it. When was the last time you ate a monkey?

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29
Q

What is the least spoken language in the world?

A

Sign language.

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30
Q

I have a fetish for figuring things out.

A

I just came to that realization.

…I’m going to go clean up, now.

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31
Q

I’m hungry.

A

Hi, Hungry. I’m dad.

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32
Q

If you think Thursdays are depressing wait two more days.

A

It will be a sadder day.

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33
Q

Marissa and I are in a bit of a rough patch.

A

She kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

But don’t worry… I’ll return.

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34
Q

I think that officer writing the ticket is crying.

A

It must be a moving violation.

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35
Q

This guy was a jerk to the cashier…

A

So she scanned his eyes with the bar code reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

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36
Q

I experimented with sex and drugs in high school.

A

Unfortunately, I was part of the control group.

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37
Q

I can breathe underwater.

A

*hold a glass of water above my head

38
Q

How come Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms.

A

The gamma experiment altered his jeans.

39
Q

I watched my grandpa die.

A

Idiot doctors couldn’t figure out his blood type. But he was brave, and kept telling us over and over, “Be positive, be positive.”

40
Q

I dated a communist once.

A

It did not end well. I should have noticed all the red flags.

41
Q

You and your palindromes.

A

We ought to call you Dr. Awkward.

42
Q

Whatever means necessary.

A

No, it doesn’t.

43
Q

Which weighs more: a pound of water or a pound of butane.

A

No, butane is a lighter fluid.

44
Q

There is no onboarding for people hired as trash collectors.

A

They pick up as they go.

45
Q

Autocorrect frustrations:

A

Whoever invented autocorrect should burn in hello

46
Q

2 gloves that are both lefts.

A

On the one hand, it’s fine.

On the other hand, it doesn’t feel right.

47
Q

Printer jammed.

A

You would think you’d hear some music with all this paper jamming.

48
Q

My sister and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.

A

…but I laugh more.

49
Q

(At dinner) I’m not yet full…

A

I think I’ll do a small bit of time traveling and go back 4 seconds.

50
Q

Marissa accused me of having zero empathy.

A

I don’t understand how she can feel that way.

51
Q

I had sex with a blind woman

A

She said I had the biggest penis she had ever put her hands on. Turns out she was just pulling my leg.

52
Q

Paying for parking

A

Too bad we’re not driving a sleigh. Santa Claus never pays for parking.

Because for him parking is always on the house.

53
Q

It seems like it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.

A

But it can’t be that hard.

54
Q

A hand cannot be 12 inches long.

A

Otherwise it would be a foot.

55
Q

I’ll tell you what I know about dwarves.

A

Very little.

56
Q

I got gas the other day for $1.39.

A

I wouldn’t recommend Taco Bell.

57
Q

I can tell someone is lying just by looking at them.

A

I can tell when they’re standing, too.

58
Q

My ex once asked if she was the only one I had ever slept with.

A

I told her she was the only one. The rest were 9s and 10s.

59
Q

E was the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present.

A

The other letters were not E.

60
Q

How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?

A

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now

61
Q

*holding a red pepper

A

What I got, you gotta get it, put it in you.

62
Q

I was going to get my glasses fixed and guess who I ran into…

A

Everybody

63
Q

Marissa thinks I’m sexy.

A

Every time I leave the room I hear her say, “what an ass.”

64
Q

Are you hungry?

A

No, I’m Mike.

65
Q

Ivy and I are working on the alphabet.

A

We can get to X, but we always get stuck. We don’t know why?

66
Q

Are people born with a photographic memory…

A

Or does it take time to develop?

67
Q

I didn’t like that massage therapist.

A

She rubbed me the wrong way.

68
Q

Circumcision is painful.

A

I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for months.

69
Q

Elevators terrify me…

A

So I take steps to avoid them.

70
Q

Getting a kite stuck in a tree

A

It wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen, but it’s up there.

71
Q

Vampires aren’t real…

A

Unless you Count Dracula.

72
Q

I never understood why people dislike vegans.

A

I’ve never had a beef with them.

73
Q

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

A

He was afraid of Capitalism.

74
Q

*Locked out of house / car

A

Calmly talk to the lock, communication is key.

75
Q

Worried about your phone / computer spying on you.

A

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

76
Q

Can you give me a hand?

A

*Start clapping

77
Q

Buying a new couch or car

A

The salesman said it could fit 6 people without a problem. Where the hell am I going to find 6 people without problems.

78
Q

What’s up stairs?

A

Yeah, how ya doing stairs?

79
Q

Someone hurts their toe.

A

Do you want me to call a toe truck?

80
Q

I think your cat is a communist.

A

It won’t shut up about Mao.

81
Q

My niece and nephew were proud…

A

They had made a telephone with tin cans and a string. I pulled out my iPhone, “Look at what kids your age made in China.”

82
Q

I broke up with a girl in college…

A

Because she screamed so loud during sex. I could hear her in the other dorm.

83
Q

The last time I went out drinking…

A

I woke up to a blow job. I must have passed out with my mouth open.

84
Q

My grandpa used to say…

A

“When one door closes another door opens.” He was a great man but a terrible cabinet maker.

85
Q

What did you do yesterday?

A

I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar. My life’s a joke.

86
Q

When Marissa wears my clothes…

A

It’s cute and endearing. When I wear her clothes, we have to have “a little chat.”

87
Q

For my birthday, Marissa said…

A

we could watch a porn together and do everything in the video. I was super excited until she fucked the pizza guy.

88
Q

Strippers don’t have…

A

Air conditioning in their houses. Only fans.

89
Q

Do you have a tattoo?

A

I have “I love you” tattooed on my penis. Marissa hates it. “You’re always trying to put words in my mouth.”

90
Q

Giving to homeless

A

I gave him a phone and about $100 dollars. You will never know the happiness I felt in that moment… when he put the gun away.

Social Skills (2 decks)

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