Country Flashcards
Country
acknowledge
recognise
pay respect to..
I would like to acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land the Jinabara people on which we meet today.
We recognise their continuing connection to land, water and community.
We pay respect to Elders past, present and emerging. …
My Name
My name is Dean Aitken and just in case we have never met I’m a transitionalist, Celebrant and author of the books Back in my day and good grief.-
My purpose is to help people transition through loss and grief.
The back story
Service station/depression/woke up to myself at a petrol station
My last 7 years has included- the loss of father, my first hero’ the first man I loved.
Moved our family from Victoria to the Sunny Coast. lost my community, lost of my job, no financial security and lost my professional network,
Loss of a wife-Betrayal, separation, divorce
Lost my Full time role as a father-weekend dad
Lost my home-Lived In my van on the streets of Brisbane for 6 months. All my wordly possesion under the three boards that supported my sweat soaked futon.
Loss and grief- There’s been alot. But I’m not alone.
On top of all that- I’ve conducted over 1400 funeral services-The cause of death—suicide for over 300 over them.
Everyone has a grief story-Our past does not have to equal our future
Transitionalist
Many of us transition naturally from one life event to another. Sometimes we get stuck.
As Transitionalist I help with all kinds of transitions.
Such as:
- Relationships-marriage,
- Writing a person’s Legacy they wish to leave loved ones. An emotional will if you like.
- Personal Loss, Death-Grief-I conduct memorial, funeral services and assist with the departed’s transition
- Repurposing-helping people reclaim there lives and find renewed purpose, hope.
I help people transition through grief as grief transitions through them.
I can offer this ‘Ultimate truth’, everyone here is in a transitional stage of life.
It’s not too late-frog
We become aware when we pay attention to what is happening inside us …as things happen around us.
We’re conditioned to look outside ourselves for the threat instead of acknowledging the experience, sensations occurring inside our bodies.
There’s a story of a frog frolicking in a pot of cool and pleasant water. The frog is unaware the pot is boiling slowly and when it is aware of the threat, it’s too late.
Are are you stuck in transition-its not too late to get out of the pot.
It’s not too late!
Agenda (Flip Chart)
There are 4 parts to this presentation and fifth which is optional.
- Good Grief
- A Transitional Meditation
- Reflection; personal sharing
- Questions and Answers
- Book signing for anyone who wants a signed copy (15 copies only) you’ll received a PDF workbook Back in my day and the Transitional Meditation from today.
This transitional practice is transformational
Insights
In my work as a Funeral Celebrant,
I’m reminded daily—
- life is a miracle
- life is short.
- Its even shorter when you get stuck.
Looking for answers outside ourselves-
There’s a Story of Musk deer-It looks like Bambi with fangs. The musk deer searches everywhere, enchanted by the smell of musk until it’s exhausted. It fails to realise the scent is from a pod near its navel.
Like the deer, we too search for answers, unaware the knowledge lies within us.
Look within.
Good Grief the book
‘Good Grief, Joy!’ my father would often exclaim to my mother. His expression had a not-so-subtle meaning and inspired the title for my book.
Good grief will act as reminder that grief–and it’s connotations–are not all bad. On the contrary ‘grief is ok, grief is good, grief is helpful, in fact it’s necessary’.
Our lives can change in an instant when we lose someone we love.
Grief can feel like the life has been sucked out of us.
Grief can awaken us and help us renew our purpose in life.
My loss gave me purpose I write a book to help others transition through grief.
Inspiration (Art of Happiness)
I read a book Art of Happiness. With Howard C Cutler interviewing the Dalai Lama-This planted a seed in me nearly 20 years ago.
One story inspired me to find a gentle and peaceful way through grief
Regrets
Story Dalai
Have there been other situations in your life that you’ve regretted?” “Oh, yes. Now for instance there was one older monk who lived as a hermit. He used to come to see me to receive teachings, although I think he was actually more accomplished than I and came to me as a sort of formality. Anyway, he came to me one day and asked me about doing a certain high-level esoteric practice. I remarked in a casual way that this would be a difficult practice and perhaps would be better undertaken by someone who was younger, that traditionally it was a practice that should be started in one’s midteens. I later found out that the monk had killed himself in order to be reborn in a younger body to more effectively undertake the practice . . .” Surprised by this story, I remarked, “Oh, that’s terrible! That must have been hard on you when you heard . . .” The Dalai Lama nodded sadly. “How did you deal with that feeling of regret? How did you eventually get rid of it?” The Dalai Lama silently considered for quite a while before replying, “I didn’t get rid of it. It’s still there.”
He stopped again, before adding, “But even though that feeling of regret is still there, it isn’t associated with a feeling of heaviness or a quality of pulling me back.
It wouldn’t be helpful to anyone if I let that feeling of regret weigh me down,
It would be simply a source of discouragement and depression with no purpose,
It would interfere with me going on with my life to the best of my ability.”
The good Doctor
Story-Fallen Soldier
A young man in his 30’s, ex army intelligence, served in Afghanistan, fit strong purpose driven. Visiting is mum and dad over the weekend goes for a run. He returns only to drop dead outside is Mum and Dad’s home on the nature strip. No warning, instantaneous-heart attack. His father finds him. The family is in shock, in deep grief when I meet with them. I’ve heard many similar stories. How does a family, loved ones left behind transition through their grief?
Many have had know education or experience.
The good doctor in this story, named Michelle the deceased Soldiers sister; shared with me how she helps her patients transition through their loss and grief.
Box the Ball and the button
Ball and the Box
Imagine a box There’s a box with a ball in it and a pain button.
When your loss occurs the ball is at its largest-it’s huge you can’t move the box without it hitting the pain button.
It bounces around on its own in there and hits the button over and over. You can’t control it - it will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to it and it just keeps hurting. (Over time, the ball shrinks.)
It hits the button less but when it does, it hurts just as much. You start to function day to day more easily. The downside is that the ball randomly hits that button unexpectedly.
I’ve sat with hundreds of parents, partners, children who’ve lost loved ones. Those left behind begin to wonder will the ball ever stop hitting the pain button. Will they ever find peace.
Yes the bal, grief gradually gets smller. But there is no quick fix.
We transition through grief in our own way and timeframe.
We learn to live with this loss.
The Practice BALLS
I’d like to share a five step transitional healing practice that will bring about a deep sense of peace.
I’ve used an acronym (BALLS) to make helpful to remember.
Become Aware
Acknowledge
learn Acceptance
Learn Tolerance
Self Care
It’s a simple practice but it’s not easy because it is so simple
BALLS is a natural process
For example Your Unaware -you’re in the kitchen you knock yourself on an open cupboard or cut yourself- you become aware of the sudden pain. You Acknowledge and say out aloud- ‘ouch that hurt’ You Accept it- rubbing the the painful spot, or bandaging the cut. You tolerate the pain as best you can, you breathe in and you breathe out and return to a calm state. Self care- we take care- first aid if required and ensure we don’t repeat the same accident. Some of us are slow learners- and we repeat again when we slip into unconsciousness.
Balls is a natural practice.
Become aware of the 5 Stages of Grief
Elisabeth Kubler Ross provided us reference to become aware of when we are grieving or when others are grieving around this.
Elisabeth describes 5 emotional states we might experience when grieving the loss of a loved one. 5 states
They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
These emotional states don’t happen in any particular order. On some days we experience all 5 randomly in one day.
- Denial-when you’re faced with the fact that it’s too uncomfortable accept, despite the facts – “it’s not true I can’t believe it”
- Anger-we might respond with hostility after losing a loved one. “How could they leave me? I’m all alone now!”
- Bargaining-we hope to avoid the cause of grief “ I will do anything in exchange”
- Depression when we lose a loved one it can overwhelm us. “ I can’t be bothered getting out of bed, I don’t feel like eating, what’s the use?”
- Acceptance-We recognise and except the loss of a loved one. “It’s still hurts but there’s nothing I can do about it.
Become aware when they show up
Awareness-Colour Red
When we set the intent to become aware of grief. it shows up ‘hello Grief,
Red - Activity-notice the colour red- close your eyes-
I’ll ask a few people what they saw that was the colour red….
There’s lots of stuff around us we don’t see. These things could be dangerous, such as a blind spot when you’re driving your car. A sun spot that becomes a melanoma. A cup of coffee that becomes an addiction and a headache if miss one.
Were creatures of deletion.
We’re aware of what we care about.
Story Silver Plains
Silver Plains I joined the army when I was 17. I was a soldier in 3RAR. In the late 80’s-We took place in the second largest parachute drop since the second WW2 by Australian troops. It was at Silver Plains near Townsville. One of our mates parachutes didn’t open, Corporal Bateman Bato A Company my Company. It was a tragic accident that impacted us all differently.
I was the platoon signaller and was given the role to update the men around camp Regards Bato’s status. Our platoon of thirty+ men were experiencing different stages of grief over the same incident. Some were in shock- they said nothing, others in denial-they could believe he’d died, he was getting out in 3 months, some were bargaining- what they’d do to get him back, depression-they didn’t seem to hear a thing I said, acceptance the leadership were making plans how they were going to mobilise their soldiers the next day. I came across Kiwi and Bluey who were arguing, pushing one another, when I interrupted them. One of them delivered a knockout blow…left me unconscious and bloodied and I awoke some time later. That was Anger. We all respond differently to grief. Note: what disturbs your inner peace.
Become aware and notice when you show up…
The Practice-Ahhhh There you are
Acknowledge
The Acknowledgement process is helpful when life hurts. It’s an expression of appreciation. It’s helpful to have the right medicine at the right time when you’re triggered instead of some random approach to mask or manipulate the way you’re feeling (i.e., ‘I’m so happy i got a parking ticket … when in fact I’m feeling angry right now and starting to lose control’). This is where the idea of acknowledgement will help you gain better self-control (i.e., ‘I’m so angry…) Airborne As a young boy dad would ask me to get up on the roof and clean the spouting. The higher I went the more terror I experienced. I joined the army and yes the Parachute regiment knowing I was terrified of heights. At the Airborne school in Nowra you jumped or you were discharged from the unit. This is how I simply managed my fear of heights and jumped over 100 times out of a perfectly good airplanes. I would pause and acknowledged terror over and over. I would say to myself I’m terrified. It interrupted my state of mind every time, without exception. I was still terrified every time I jumped but not paralysed by my fear. When we acknowledge our feelings, we start see and integrate the whole person. Whether you like the feeling or not, give it a name. “I’m feeling angry – sad, depressed, happy, whatever the emotional energy.”Whatever the feeling good bad or ugly, acknowledge it. It interrupts the story, the inner critic, the emotional tug of war within. Instead of trying and fix, repair, problem solve. Acknowledge, (honour yourself), pain and your shame. The emotional tourniquet will loosen its vice like grip. Honour yourself, there’s no quick fix.
Dr Phil McGraw was quoted saying “You Can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
When it hurts acknowlege it hurts, dont ignore it and hope it will go away-simply acknowledge
(Acknowledge what you value) you and your life.”
The practice- (I acknowledge…)
Learn Acceptance
Story-mirror
Story-selfies
Mirror “i used to stand in front of the mirror and ask myself “is this not the most magnificent human specimen you’ve ever seen” man I was harsh on my self and disrespected many aspects of myself. These days I acknowledge the good the bad and the ugly aspects of myself and see the whole image. I’ve still several blind spots…
We usually play a photo tribute at a funeral service. I’ve seen thousands of photos-I’ve rarely seen an image of someone distressed, sad or visibly unhappy in the photographic tribute. We usually only see one side of a person in our lives and on this occassion we see a one sided image, the happier times.
Story- Selfies- who hasn’t taken the odd selfie-have noticed yourself editing, cropping, photo-shopping or deleting your images. We do our best show ourselves always looking good and appearing happy. We tend to select and reject the other images. I’ve come understand as you learn to accept those parts of your self that you’ve rejected in the past, your grief, your anger, your happiness, together they complete your self image and self esteem rises. And your confidence.
Accept the good the bad and the ugly without trying to change or manipulate it.
Learn acceptance – Kylie
Kylie
My cousin Kylie 23-years-old, outgoing, fun-loving and a caring and loyal person. She died tragically in a motorcycle accident nearly 20 years ago. Kylie/jenny/footsteps/breakfast
My Aunty Jenny said there wouldn’t be a day that goes by that she didn’t think of Kylie. Her legacy lives on through her four organ recipients and those who hold fond memories of Kylie. Its taken the family some time to accept her loss and find peace.
‘When it comes to acceptance of a lost loved one ‘sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.’
Point-When we learn to accept our feelings the healing begins.
as a young man i was taught not to show my feelings, not show weakness, i was told to toughen up. But in the Army learn’t acceptance is not weakness or compliance, its a strength and an important discipline.
It prepares us for whatever happens next, often the unexpected and that’s Grief unplanned, unpredictable and uncontrollable.
Learning acceptance in the army was an important attribute to stay alive, to survive..
Your current life reflects what you’ve accepted in your past.
The practice-(I accept…)
Learn Tolerance
Basic training Kapooka wagga wagga
Basic Training- Kappoka Army Training-2 weeks-psychologist-good soldier-adjusted quickly their way of life-added I was intense-teach me some relaxation techniques-breathing and body scan - tense and release practice.
My new practice was conscious breathing. My new nickname in the army was psycho.
Psych Advice
Learning Tolerance-
The psych Major instructed me that your conscious breath reassures your nervous system; it says ‘You’re okay!’ You’re safe to experience this anger or happiness or sense of being overwhelmed. In a combat scenario a calm mind and relaxed breathing was crucial.
Terrified
When I jumped out of a plane I was terrified I would die. I focused my mind on my breath from the moment we sat down in the plane, yellow light went on we stood up in our stick, green light go, shuffling forward one by one we jumped out, I would close my eyes and count one thousand two thousand… canopy away, look up and check my parachute opened. I’d breath in a sigh of relief and continue to monitor my breath and until my feet touched terra firma.
My psychologist Dr Dale said to imagine the breath like an anchor, when a boat is getting rocked around at sea. It holds us steady while we’re being tossed around by our triggers. He further added our conscious breath can be done anywhere that we focus completely on your breath.
Through conscious breathing your feelings gradually lose their potency and no longer overwhelm us. Your mind will quieten and you’ll ex[perience a deeper sense of peace.
“Breathe in this experience and weave into the fabric of your life.”
The practice – mantra (I breathe in – I breathe out)
Self care
Story -Rock and Roll
Back in the day they preached to you that if you listened to rock and roll, you’d go to hell! The day before his 8th birthday, Ross stood over the open coffin of the first man he ever loved: his father, killed in a tragic workplace accident.
At thirteen he’d left school and was cane cutting. Back in the day if you didn’t cut the cane fast enough you got your legs whipped.
He dreamed one day he would sing the King of Rock and Roll’s songs. Elvis was his hero after losing his father so young.
Ross became the first Elvis impersonator in Australia and traveled the world performing before the King died and for many years after-wards .
Many tragedies followed Ross’s life. Such as his close friend, musician Ricky Nelson, and his band, dying in an air crash. His best mate, who lived next door, was killed at 20 in a car accident.
Ross then said to me, ‘Every man I ever loved, died!’
Ross reminded me that life can be incredibly cruel, losing loved ones who have so much living still to do.
He quoted Lionel McKendrick “All you can control in life is how you respond to life”
He reminds us that the ‘show must go on’ and those we lose can reaffirm our purpose to live and a reason to take better care of ourselves!
Elvis is still in the building
Floating down the Yarra
Self-care –
I remember first feeling depressed when I was 33-years-old. I found myself in a hospital bed with chest pain wondering how I got there. An hour before I was floating down the Yarra River on a lilo with my mate Raj. I considered it may have been indigestion, but the pain persisted. I eventually collapsed and was chauffeured via ambulance to hospital. I had to get some value out of my ambulance subscription that year.
The matron asked what I was doing at the time of my chest pain. I said, ‘I was floating down the river counting Koala’s with my mate Raj.’ The matron next asked if I was smoking anything unusual at the time. Bahaha! What the … Noooooo … are you judging me?
I hadn’t noticed the signs before the chest pain.
At the time I was pushing myself physically with exercise to cope. I experienced insomnia and was stressing about money. I had a young family. I was renovating a home and living next door to my in-laws…it was stressful. I was feeling the weight of my world on my shoulders and I had lost my mojo.
Soon after I discovered the foreign world of meditation and another side of myself. This when everything began to slow down. Through meditation and low-impact exercise like walking, swimming and yoga I was able manage my stress and uplift my spirits.
When you get tired rest and rejuvenate—don’t give up on yourself.
Hug
Where I live, if someone gives you a hug, it’s from the heart.’ Steve Irwin
A hug can express more than words when we’re grieving.
A Hug releases a hormone called oxytocin: the love- bonding hormone. Hugs help release antidepressant and anti-anxiety hormones. Yes, it can help us feel more relaxed, which promotes growth and healing. We can feel more connected to ourselves and other people.
BL-You’re no good to anyone if you’re exhausted, stressed or sick-practice self care
The Practice-when you’re tired rest and rejuvenate
Summary
Grief is like a pin-BALL in the game you never chose to play. Your loss propels your life through the various stages of grief – flippers, ramps, bumpers, and all sorts of obstacles. All this while you’re trying to stop yourself from going down the chute.
There’s no way around grief and loss you can dodge it all you want, but sooner or later you just have to come into go into it, through it and hopefully come out on the other side. The world you find there will never be the same as the world you left. Johnny Cash
When we practice using BALLS you’ll learn to transition through Grief as Grief transitions through You. You’ll find inner peace, joy and renewed purpose.
