Confirmed Man Flashcards
Everything that won't be cut
The cue to begin the show
Opening monologue
Basses: DINGALING
Ensemble: A WEDDING
Well there you have it, all the guests have arrived. We have a bride who’s giving up the stage for love, her debonair bridegroom, a harried producer, jovial gangsters posing as pastry chefs, a flaky chorine, a Latin lothario, and an aviatrix; what we now call a lesbian. And, of course, my favorite character, the Drowsy Chaperone. What more do you need for an evening’s entertainment?
End of Fancy Dress
Wasn’t that wonderful! “And we will ding-a-long”; I don’t even know what that means! Alright, I’ll lead you through this record as best I can. Don’t worry, it won’t be hard to follow. So, we begin with a welcome from the love struck groom.
George: The groom mustn’t see his bride on the day of the wedding. It’s bad luck!
I hope you heard that, because that’s the plot. Basically. Hang on for the ride!
Robert: I am! I’m your little monkey.
So, the Bride and Groom are whisked away, and we turn our attention to the B plot which involves the Producer.
Feldzieg: Ballet?
Kitty: Yeah. I’m pretty good too. Last week I auditioned for Swanee Lake.
A little annotation; Kitty and Feldzieg were a couple in real life. Jack and Sadie Adler. Now, this is a familiar comic construct: a stupid woman and her long suffering companion. Well, she appears stupid, but in the end she does something clever and makes everyone wonder whether it’s all just an act. The irony here is that Sadie actually was quite stupid; Jack had to explain all the jokes to her apparently. But, still, she had a wonderful career on the stage. At that time, the theatre was the only place where stupid people could earn a decent living. This was before television, of course.
Gangster 1: Lamb’s an entree, you macaroon.
The gangsters were played by interchangeable vaudeville duo the Tall Brothers: John and Peter Tall. They were born Abram and Mendel Mosloskowicz, but were renamed at Ellis Island by a sarcastic immigration official. They were an early example of the typical Broadway gangster: full of word-play and stylized movements, not very intimidating. Unless you find dancers intimidating, which I do but for reasons that would not be appropriate to this situation.
Feldzieg: I’ve gotta stop this wedding but how? Oh Lord in Heaven how! How?
I always thought that moment was a little overplayed. So with the story well on its way, let’s go to the Groom’s room.
Robert: Hey there, handsome. Show me those pearly whites.
The groom was played by the dashing Percy Hyman. He started out as the All Bright toothpaste man. His fabulous smile adorned every tube. All Bright was hugely popular in the early twenties, because it contained cocaine. It’s true. If you looked at the label it was the fifth ingredient down, right after ‘sugar’. Anyway, it wasn’t long before he became a huge matinee idol.
Robert: Now don’t you worry. It’s perfectly normal for a groom to be nervous on his wedding day. It is? Of course.
I love Percy Hyman. Now, some people say he was a bad actor, but to those people I say, “shut up”.
End of Cold Feets
Percy Hyman was a wonderful performer. I like to think of him panting and sweating after a long dance routine. He’s still alive, you know. I saw him on the news recently “celebrating” his 100th birthday. To say that the passing years had taken their toll on him would be a grotesque understatement.They wheeled him out and he had that wide-eyed expression of pained confusion that God reserves for the very, very old on their birthdays. You know, the one that says “Who are you, who am I and why is this cake on fire?” You know what I’m talking about? Anyway.
Telephone: rings
George: WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE-
(lifts needle) Just ignore it. It does this occasionally. It rings. It will stop soon. Just ignore it. What? What do you want?
Man’s Voice: Hello, you have reached my answering machine. Leave a short message after the tone and I’ll call you back at my convenience.
Oh, well, that’s it. The moment is ruined. Thank you. Thank you life. It’s like a cell phone going off in a theatre. God, I hate that. “Hello? What are you doing?” “Oh, I’m at the theatre ruining the moment. How about you?” “Oh, I couldn’t get out tonight so I thought I’d ruin the moment by proxy.” Sorry. Let’s just shake that off. Let’s go back in our minds to 1928. They didn’t have cell phones in 1928, but I’m sure they had something for the ruining of moments. Bugles, or something.
George: HAPPY WEDDING TIME!
So, the scene shifts and we find the Bride, the glamorous Janet Van De Graaff entertaining questions from reporters as she lounges by the pool.
End of Show Off Encore
That was Jane Roberts as the bride. She was the Oops Girl. Remember? Surely you remember the Oops Girl? Don’t you people read? She was billed as the girl who’s sexual energy was so great it caused the men around her to have accidents: spill their drinks, drive their cars into trees. And she would go “Oops” Well, I’m not really doing it justice, but people ate it up. She made a whole series of films; “Oops”, “The Oops Girl”, “Oops Girl Come Home”, and “Oops Girl at Sea”, which won an Oscar for special effects.
Aldolpho: (enters) La la la la la la-
In walks Aldolpho, self proclaimed ladies man. Aldolpho is played by former silent film start and world-class alcoholic, Roman Bartelli. He was the one who later drank himself to death at his Chateau in Nice, remember? It was five days before they found the body and by that time it had been partially consumed by his poodles? Well, he was only partially consumed.
Aldolpho: Like a cat in pajamas
Feldzieg: Ahhhh!
Roman Bartelli chewing the scenery. You certainly couldn’t get away with a performance like that nowadays, could you. Mature contemporary audiences are too sophisticated to enjoy broad racial stereotypes on the stage, so we’ve banished them to Disney. Let the children sort it out.
Underling: Your ice water madame.
Tottendale: That was pure vodka, you poop!
I hate this scene.
Underling: Would that I were.
You can see where this is going can’t you. It’s really just a series of spit takes.
Drowsy: Yes, life is a mad whirlwind.
This is a really interesting scene. This is the only time in the show that Jane Roberts and Beatrice Stockwell are alone together onstage. Jane Roberts was an emerging star, but Beatrice Stockwell was already well established and a force to contend with.
Drowsy: Not necessarily. The wooziness could be caused by any number of things. I mean, I’m woozy right now and I’m certainly not in love.
Now, Beatrice Stockwell was famous for her rousing anthems. She entertained and inspired the troops in every major world conflict up to and including the Falklands war. Of course, by that time she was in her late eighties and her anthems didn’t so much rouse as stupefy. Still, she demanded that a rousing anthem be included in every show she ever did, even if it wasn’t appropriate. But you just couldn’t say no to her. That’s star power.
Drowsy: ANTARCTICA – OH, PLEASE
“Antarctica, oh please”
End of As We Stumble Along
Don’t you just love her? Basically, she sings a rousing anthem about alcoholism. That’s what I love about her. She just does her own thing, when she wants, regardless of the needs and concerns of others. My mother was like that.
Aldolpho: La la la la la.
Look who it is! It’s Aldolpho come to seduce the bride.
Aldolpho: I am Aldolpho!
Try not to think of the poodles while you’re listening to this part.
