Clocks and Whistles

Question 1

Start

Answer 1

Alec is due at my place this afternoon. [beat] He might take me to a film. [beat] Well, I know what you think of Alec. [beat] Frappy?

Question 2

I don’t think anything about Alec.

Answer 2

I don’t like him much, either.

Question 3

I know too little about him to have an opinion either way. As you know.

Answer 3

Do you know what I hate? I hate super models, minor royalty, and finely featured English actresses with dead - or alive - French husbands…

Question 4

Do you want another one?

Answer 4

Do I? No, no more.

Question 5

Okay.

Answer 5

This is very rude.

Question 6

What?

Answer 6

Writing in your diary, while you’re with me. I’m bored.

Question 7

Have another drink. I won’t be long - you’ve never minded before.

Answer 7

What does it say?

Question 8

Stuff.

Answer 8

That’s not an answer. Stuff. Have you written things in there about Alec? I bet you have. You hate Alec.

Question 9

Tell me about him. No, I don’t. Hate him.

Answer 9

What does it say, there? I shouldn’t let you do this. I should be the one writing in my diary, being all creative, showing off in public, while you sit staring into thin air-

Question 10

I’m not… showing off…

Answer 10

Heigh ho. [beat] Go back a few pages.

Question 11

No.

Answer 11

Go on, go back, tell me what’s written on… March the fourth…

Question 12

No.

Answer 12

Pleeeaassee.

Question 13

‘Meet Anne… lunch. Palaminos. Happy? That’s you. You’re in it.

Answer 13

I know it’s not an appointments diary.

Question 14

It’s that too.

Answer 14

I’m not going there any more, it’s revolting. I said to you, cannelloni has meat in it, you said, ‘Um, I don’t know… I think cannelloni has whatever you want to put in it, it doesn’t have to be meat. What’s it say on the menu?’ We look at the menu and it just says ‘Cannelloni.’ Cannelloni has mean in it, Frappy. I’ve never ever known cannelloni not to have meat in it. And I tasted the gelatine in my pudding. I’m not going there any more.

Question 15

All right. That’s fine with me.

Answer 15

The waiters aren’t what they were, anyway.

Question 16

No, they’re not…

Answer 16

Very nice once, I remember.

Question 17

Me too.

Answer 17

[beat] There was a film on last night with a friend of mine in it, did you see it? She was ghastly.

Question 18

Are you sure you don’t want another one?

Answer 18

I’ll finish yours. Don’t you like me any more Henry?

Question 19

Of course… what’s the matter?

Answer 19

Nothing, except you’re not taking any notice of me. [beat] Here’s to two-bit little south London theatres. [drinks] Uuuurgh, it’s cold.

Question 20

It isn’t two-bit.

Answer 20

It is. The only thing I liked about that place was the smell.

Question 21

Smell?

Answer 21

That incredible backstage smell. The floor boards… old adrenalin. What does it say in your diary about it, bumping into me?

Question 22

I think I thought of Sibyl Vane.

Answer 22

Who’s that?

Question 23

Dorian Gray.

Answer 23

Yes, right. You in a box watching me…

Question 24

…playing who?- Rosalind… your white, soft skin, with flushes of pink on the cheek bones, glowing radiantly…

Answer 24

You’re sweet, Frappy, but-

Question 25

… your pouting lips, your piercing eyes, your powerful, bony figure that spoke ‘actress’, not like Sibyl Vane at all, more like forties movie star. Hepburn in Holiday.

Answer 25

Oh, Hepburn… why can’t I be like her? Don’t laugh.

Question 26

You’ll get work.

Answer 26

Guess what. I had an audition.

Question 27

Oh Anne! You didn’t tell me? Is it a film, what?

Answer 27

A play. You won’t believe it. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Question 28

Really?

Answer 28

Yes.

Question 29

Elizabeth Taylor?

Answer 29

No, of course not Elizabeth Taylor, I’m not a hundred and five, I went for Honey, you know the other one, the wimp. That was made in the thirties.

Question 30

What?

Answer 30

Holiday.

Question 31

Wasn’t.

Answer 31

Was.

Question 32

Wasn’t.

Answer 32

Fuck it. Should I have another drink?

Question 33

I really don’t care now.

Answer 33

I can’t afford it today.

Question 34

Please. I offered anyway.

Answer 34

I’m not besieging you, am I?

Question 35

No.

Answer 35

It’s just… Who’s new?

Question 36

No one.

Answer 36

There is somebody, I can tell. That’s why you’re being so distant- I know you- sitting there with your diary, not even getting a drink, having a bloody cappuccino on a Saturday afternoon…

Question 37

What’s wrong with that…?

Answer 37

There is somebody.

Question 38

There’s not.

Answer 38

There is.

Question 39

No, there’s not.

Answer 39

Well, that’s a shame.

Question 40

Oh, Anne.

Answer 40

What about that primitive guy you were talking about? A few weeks ago you were talking about someone you met in a club. You said he was primitive. [beat] Do you want to know the painting I like most in the National Gallery?

Question 41

Umm… no.

Answer 41

It’s very pedestrian to people in the know, I bet.

Question 42

Probably. Come on… have another drink…

Answer 42

The people who really know about art. But it’s my favourite, favourite, favourite. ‘Ophelia Among the Flowers’.

Question 43

I know that one…

Answer 43

It was ruined for me the other day when an American couple started looking at it though.

Question 44

Why?

Answer 44

We shouldn’t share our art with the Americans. Maybe there should be prescribed American days.

Question 45

Alec’s American.

Answer 45

He’s not American really.

Question 46

What?

Answer 46

What?

Question 47

Alec’s not American?

Answer 47

He has the accent because he lived there. I’m hungry.

Question 48

They have nuts.

Answer 48

Do they have ice cream?

Question 49

No… I don’t think so.

Answer 49

I’ll have zabaglione!

Question 50

Zabaglione?

Answer 50

Gelati, Frappy. Zabaglione gelati.

Question 51

There’s none, Anne. They don’t have it.

Answer 51

Well they should.

Question 52

I’m really surprised to hear that Alec isn’t American.

Answer 52

My audition was a calamity. I was very bad. W.I. stuff, church hall.

Question 53

I bet it was fine.

Answer 53

I was bad. Fine isn’t good enough, anyway. Critics say that. Oh, bloody hell, don’t start writing again. Oh sod bucket pooh shit. I know you’re seeing someone. I’ll have another drink. Gin. Another gin.