Charisma

Question 1

Benefits of being charismatic.

Answer 1

• You become more likable.
• People trust you more.
• People are more likely to accept you as a leader.
• Charisma makes you more effective at work.
• Charisma makes you more effective in personal relationships.
• Charismatic people have less stress.
• Charismatic people earn more.
• Charismatic people are viewed as more effective by their superiors and subordinates.
• Charismatic leaders have more committed followers who perform above and beyond the call of duty.

Question 2

What are the three crucial aspects of charisma?

Answer 2

• Demonstrate high power.
• Demonstrate high warmth.
• Presence. You must be completely in the moment with people.
  
  • You must always be present. You can’t choose which people you will be present with and which you won’t.

You can’t just turn these on and off. You must choose mental states that keep you charismatic. Charismatic behavior must originate in your mind.

Question 3

Charisma resources

Answer 3

The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. Penguin 2012.

Question 4

The Gladstone/Disraeli story.

Answer 4

In 1886 William Gladstone was up against Benjamin Disraeli for prime minister of the UK. During the final week before the election, each of them had dinner with the same young woman. When asked about her impressions of the two men, she said “After dining with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England. But after dining with Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest person in England.”

The Charisma Myth p. 9

Question 5

Charisma myths

Answer 5

• You have to be boisterous or outgoing to be charismatic. (The Charisma Myth p. 10)
  
  • In reality, you can be a very charismatic introvert. Introversion can be a strong advantage for certain forms of charisma.
• You have to be attractive to have charisma. (The Charisma Myth p. 10)
  
  • Good looks do provide an advantage but are not required.
  • Charisma will make you more attractive.
• You must change your personality to be charismatic. (The Charisma Myth p. 10)​
  
  • Instead, you will learn new skills.

Question 6

Three quick tips to gain a charisma boost in a conversation.

Answer 6

• Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences.
• Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.
• Pause two full seconds before you speak.

The Charisma Myth p. 10

Question 7

Charisma requires practice.

Answer 7

Like any other skill, improving charisma requires practice.

The Charisma Myth p. 11

Question 8

Component 1: Presence

Answer 8

If you’re not fully present, there’s a good chance that your eyes will glaze over or that your facial reactions will be delayed.

Presence cannot be faked.

Think of how it feels when you know you’re not being listened to.

Lack of presence makes it difficult to establish trust.

Pay attention to what’s going on instead of becoming caught up in your own thoughts.

Stay fully engaged. If you’re thinking about what you’re going to say in response to the other person, you’re not listening.

Presence quick fix: If you’re not fully present, focus on your breath or your toes for a second or so. This will help you to switch focus back to what is being said.

When you bring yourself back to full presence you become more impactful, more memorable, and come across as more grounded.

The Charisma Myth

Question 9

Ignore your phone

Answer 9

In today’s world, very few things signal a lack of presence and destroy charisma faster than checking your phone while conversing with someone.

Question 10

How does physical discomfort affect charisma, and what can be done about it?

Answer 10

Physical discomfort, such as being too hot, squinting into the sun, or being hungry can be perceived as you showing displeasure or other negative reaction to the person with whom you are dealing.

Counteracting this situation is done by:

• Prevention of the situation.
• Recognition of the situation.
• Explaining the situation.

Question 11

What are the steps in the responsibility transfer technique to alleviating the tension caused by uncertainty?

Answer 11

1. Sit or lie down comfortably, relax, and close your eyes.
2. Take two or three deep breaths. Visualize drawing clean air toward the top of your head. Then exhale, allowing the air to wash away your worries and concerns.
3. Pick an entity - God, fate, the universe - that you consider to be benevolent.
4. Visualize lifting the weight off your shoulders and placing it on the chosen entity.
5. Visualize everything being taken care of. Sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever good you can find along the way.

The Charisma Myth, Olivia Fox Cabane. pp. 34-35.

Question 12

3 step process for handling difficult experiences.

Answer 12

1. Destigmatize the discomfort.
2. Neutralize the negativity.
3. Rewrite reality.

Question 13

Destigmatizing discomfort.

Answer 13

Reduce its power by recognizing that it’s normal, common, and nothing to be anxious about or ashamed of.

Question 14

Neutralizing negativity.

Answer 14

Realize that your thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate at all.

What we see in the faces of others might have nothing at all to do with us.

Name your negativity - putting a label on it helps.

Question 15

Rewriting reality.

Answer 15

Cognitive reappraisal.

We don’t know why things happen as they do. Rather than getting angry, imaging a less negative, neutral, or even positive reason for behaviors or situations will reduce the anger and help maintain an internal charismatic state.

This has been shown to be far more effective than repressing or ignoring emotions.

Question 16

Resentment exercise

Answer 16

• Write a letter (by hand) to the person you resent. Say anything and everything you wish you’d ever told them.
• Write the response you’d like to receive from the resented person.

For some this approach has been more effective than therapy.

Question 17

Delving into sensations exercise

Answer 17

• Choose a partner and a quiet place.
• Set a 30-second timer.
• Lock your gaze on one another’s eyes. Do not break this gaze for the duration of the exercise
• When discomfort starts, pay very close attention to it. Where is the discomfort located in your body? Name the sensations.
• Delve into the discomfort. Fully describe it. Feel its texture.
• Let the awkwardness build. How does it manifest itself physically?
• You are a scientist. Name what you feel.
• Resist the urge to laugh, talk, or otherwise relieve the discomfort.
• Try the exercise again, this time giving yourself encouragement and reminding yourself that the discomfort will pass.
• Check your level of discomfort an hour or two later. See how far away it seems. Remember this the next time you’re dealing with discomfort.

Question 18

Visualization exercise

Answer 18

Guided imagery.

1. Close your eyes and relax.
2. Think of a past triumphant experience.
3. Hear the sounds.
4. See those around you.
5. Feel your feet on the ground and the handshakes.
6. Experience your feelings.

Guided imagery must be precise, vivid, and detailed to be effective.

Question 19

Accessing warmth in yourself

Answer 19

• Gratitude
  
  • Think of abilities which you have for which you are grateful.
  • Examine your environment looking for pleasant sights and sounds.
  • Use a third-person lens to describe your life. Write it down.
• Goodwill, empathy, and compassion.
  
  • Goodwill is the simple state of wishing others well.
  • Think of three things you like about the person toward whom you wish to project goodwill.
  • Empathy is understanding how people feel.
  • Compassion is empathy plus goodwill.
• Self-compassion
  
  • How much warmth can you feel for yourself?
  • If you feel no warmth for yourself, others are unlikely to feel it for you.
  • It is not self-indulgence or self-pity.
  • It provides greater emotional resilience, a greater sense of personal responsibility, and a lower tendency for denial.
  • Self-compassion is feeling that what happened to you is unfortunate, whereas self-pity is feeling that what happened to you is unfair.

Question 20

Compassion exercise

Answer 20

Goodwill and compassion give you warmth. Take these steps when you want to practice compassion for someone.

1. Imagine their past. What if you had lived in their situation?
2. Imagine their present. Really try to put yourself in their shoes right now.
3. Imagine what it would be like if this were their last day alive.

Question 21

According to Kristin Neff, self-compassion is defined as a three-step process.

Answer 21

1. Realize that you’re experiencing difficulties.
2. Respond with kindness and understanding toward yourself.
3. Realize that what you’re going through happens to all human beings.

Question 22

Metta self-compassion exercise.

Answer 22

Metta is a Buddhist compassion and self-compassion practice. It roughly translates to “loving-kindness.”

1. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, take two or three cleansing breaths.
2. Focus on the memory of a time you did a good deed.
3. Think of someone who has great affectation for you.
4. Imagine their response.
5. See yourself through their eyes and feel them giving you complete forgiveness.
6. Feel their wholehearted acceptance.
   
   • At this stage of your development and growth, you are perfect.
   • With everything that is in your head and your heart, you are perfect.
   • With all your imperfections, you are perfect.
   • You are fully approved just the way you are, at this stage of development, right now.

Question 23

Body language affects the mind much like the mind affects body language.

Answer 23

• For confidence, assertiveness, and gravitas, pose like a military general. Take a wide stance, chest forward, shoulders broad, back straight, and hands behind your back.
• To boost energy and warmth, stand up, stretch your hands as high as possible, inhale as much as you can, make the biggest smile you can, and look upward.

Question 24

Charisma warm-up.

Answer 24

1. Arrange your schedule for the hours leading up to the event to do things that you’re good at, that make you feel good about yourself.
2. Avoid difficult encounters and aim for confidence- and warmth-building experiences instead.
3. Create music playlists for the internal state you wish to achieve.

Question 25

List four kinds of charisma.

Answer 25

• Focus charisma
• Visionary charisma
• Kindness charisma
• Authority charisma

There are other types, but these are the most practical.

See the chart starting on page 112 of The Charisma Myth.

Question 26

Attributes of focus charisma.

Answer 26

• It is the charisma of presence.
• It is useful for communicating respect.
• It requires good listening skills and patience.
• Risks:
  
  • If you display too little power you may come across as too eager, making you seem low-status or subservient.
  • If you display too little warmth your attention may be too intense.
• Appropriate for:
  
  • Almost all business situations.
  • Getting people to open up to you.
  • Difficult situations such as negotiations.
  • Diffusing hostile conversations.
• Inappropriate for:
  
  • Times you need to appear authoritative.
  • Emergencies when you need immediate compliance.

Question 27

Attributes of visionary charisma.

Answer 27

• It requires the ability to project complete convictions and confidence in a cause.
• It is based on power, but also requires warmth.
• It requires a strong, even passionate belief in one’s vision.
• The vision must contain some nobility and altruism.
• It requires knowing how to craft a bold vision and how to deliver that vision charismatically.

Question 28

Attributes of kindness charisma.

Answer 28

• Start with the right mindset by accessing warmth with tools such as gratitude, goodwill, compassion, and self-compassion.
• Avoid any body language of tension, criticism, or coldness.
• Without power, you risk as coming off as overeager to please.
• It can have its costs, leading to adulation and overattachment.
• It is helpful when you have to deliver bad news.
• It can be surprisingly helpful when dealing with difficult people.
• It should perhaps be avoided when you need to appear authoritative.

Question 29

Attributes of authority charisma.

Answer 29

• It is primarily based on a perception of power.
• We evaluate it through four indicators:
  
  • Body language.
  • Appearance.
  • Title.
  • The reactions of others.
• Clothing is a strong clue.
  
  • Clues to expertise such as a doctor’s white coat.
  • Signs of authority like a uniform.
  • Signs of success such as expensive clothing.
• You project authority by displaying signs of status and confidence.
• It is very dependent on how confident you feel in the moment.
• To project power and confidence:
  
  • Learn to “take up space” with your posture.
  • Reduce non-verbal reassurances such as excessive nodding.
  • Avoid fidgeting.
  • Speak less, speak more slowly, understand how and when to pause your sentences, and modulate your intonation.
• Disadvantages:
  
  • It can inhibit critical and creative thinking in others.
  • It doesn’t invite feedback.
  • It can make you appear arrogant.

Question 30

How to take a compliment.

Answer 30

Downplaying or dismissing a compliment sends the message to the person paying the compliment that they are wrong.

Do this:

1. Stop.
2. Absorb and enjoy the compliment.
3. Let the absorption show on your face. Let the complimenter know they’ve had an impact.
4. Thank them. Let them know they’ve made your day.

Question 31

Whenever you can, choose to speak in pictures.

Answer 31

Pictures create more impact. The words you use when speaking with people are translated into pictures in their minds. By speaking in pictures, you improve their understanding and can more easily accurately communicate your message.

Question 32

To communicate power:

Answer 32

• Speak slowly.
• Pause.
• Drop intonation at the ends of sentences.
• Breathe deeply.

Question 33

There is only one thing you need to do to project more warmth.

Answer 33

Smile.

Question 34

Eye contact: separation distress.

Answer 34

Separation distress occurs when someone with whom we have significant eye contact turns away. Combat this by maintaining eye contact for a full three seconds at the end of your interaction with someone.

Question 35

The big gorilla exercise for power charisma.

Answer 35

1. Make sure you can breathe - loosen restrictive clothing.
2. Stand up and shake your body.
3. Take a wide stance and plant your feet firmly on the ground.
4. Stretch your arms to the ceiling, trying to touch it.
5. Stretch your arms to the walls, trying to touch them.
6. Bring your arms loosely to your sides, rolling your shoulders up and then back.
7. Inflate, try to take up as much space as possible.

Question 36

Project power using regal posture.

Answer 36

Composed people exhibit a level of stillness, sometimes described as poise.

Watch out for these three things when you want to increase your poise:

• Excessive or rapid nodding.
• Excessive verbal reassurance.
• Restlessness or fidgeting.

Question 37

Ben Franklin effect

Answer 37

Instead of doing something nice for someone, ask them for a favor.

Charisma p. 167

Question 38

Opinion rather than advice

Answer 38

It is easier for people to give opinions than advice. Advice requires effort, while opinions can flow freely.

Charisma p. 168

Question 39

Appreciation, praise

Answer 39

Expressing appreciation or giving praise can reach people. Compliments should be personal and specific.

Charisma p. 168

Question 40

People have choices.

Answer 40

Reminding people that they had a choice and expressing gratitude that they chose you is a powerful reinforcement technique.

Avoid making others feel wrong. This tends to reinforce negative feelings and cause them to rationalize that they had a good reason for doing what they did.

Charisma p. 169

Question 41

Delivering bad news.

Answer 41

• Make the environment as comfortable as possible.
• Provide items that can be fidgeted with as distractions.
• Use kindness charisma.
• Use the body language of warmth, care, concern, understanding, and empathy.
• Imagine both of you working toward the same goal.
• Use kindness charisma on yourself. You are doing your best.

Question 42

Delivering criticism.

Answer 42

• Choose the best timing and location.
• Get into a mindset of compassion and empathy. Use kindness and focus empathy.
• Decide on the specific points you wish to make. Be specific, making a few key points rather than giving an exhaustive list.
• Depersonalize. Criticize the behavior, not the person. “When I see (or don’t see) x, I feel y.”
• Start on a positive note.
• Talk about what you want to see rather than focusing on the negative aspects of the situation.
• Avoid making people feel wrong.
• If you notice signs of defensiveness, dial up the warmth.
• End on a positive note.
  
  • Review the steps to be taken, especially if you’ll be working together on them.
  • Express appreciation for how well your feedback was taken.
  • Bring up anything positive that can be looked forward to in the future.

Question 43

Apologies

Answer 43

• Get into the proper mental state. Start by forgiving yourself.
• Apologizing in person provides the full array of communication tools.
• Apologizing in writing provides a permanent statement.
• Let the other person have their say.
• The apology can be simple.
• Show that you understand the direct consequences and the ramifications.
• State what you will do to prevent the situation in the future.

Question 44

Phone charisma.

Answer 44

• Always ask if this is a good time for the call.
• Be present.
• Stand up, walk around, and smile.
• Answer the phone professionally and crisply. Then add warmth when you learn who is calling.

Question 45

Email charisma.

Answer 45

• Write, then re-read emails.
• Make sure the length of the email is proportional to its importance.
• Your email is not complete when there’s nothing to add, it’s complete when there’s nothing to be subtracted.

Question 46

Presenting with charisma.

Answer 46

• Select the single most important idea you want to convey. Make it crystal clear.
• Have three to five supporting points.
• Open each point with anecdotes, facts, statistics, metaphors, examples, and analogies.
• Avoid formal Q&A at the end of the presentation. People remember the beginning and the end and that makes ending with Q&A less desirable.

Question 47

Crafting charismatic sentences for a speech.

Answer 47

• It’s all about them. Use the work you as often as possible.
• Get graphic. The brain thinks in pictures.
• Beware of negotiations - avoid the “no problem” trap.
• Keep it short. Make each sentence count.

Question 48

Creating a charismatic appearance: color.

Answer 48

• Red conveys energy and passion.
• Black shows you’re serious.
• White exudes honesty.
• Blue emits trust.
• Gray is a good neutral.
• Orange and yellow are to be avoided.

Question 49

Charisma in a crisis.

Answer 49

• Stay in a calm, confident internal state so that your emotional contagion effect is positive.
• Express high expectations of people, and communicate your complete confidence in their ability to rise to the occasion.
• Articulate a bold vision, show your confidence in your ability to realize that vision, and act decisively to achieve it.