brothers grimm spectaculathon Flashcards
Girl:
if only i knew where my father was who could spin straw into gold and talk to wolves and make deals with the elves and who was also acquainted with a talking fox
excuse me - but i couldn’t help overhearing your tale of misery and woe. tell you what - i will grant you your hearts desire if you give me one small thing.
Girl:
untouched like the pure snow which has not yet been peed upon by sled dogs, like a bird flitting to and fro -
i get it. i vanish. i vanish again.
Rapunzel:
we’re gonna run away together and have tadpoles and -
Narrator 1:
and just then
i have returned.
girl:
fine, what do you want?
(with devil and rumplestilsken)
your child
um my deal was first
devil:
everyone knows babies come from the devil
i saw her first you can’t even think that you’re going to get this baby
rapunzel:
i’m not cleaning that up
now that that horrid little man is gone, i will take rapunzel
devil:
um excuse me im the devil
so?
devil:
lord of darkness? all that? i think i’ve got a little more claim to this girl than some stupid little witch
enchantress
devil:
whatever. witch.
i will cast a spell on you
girl:
i just like him better
i curse you!
devil:
i curse you right back! you know what, this is stupid. tell ya what, if you sign this contract here, i will let you take rapunzel
that sounds like a plan
devil:
moo ah ah ah ah and i disappear in a cloud of brimstone!
well, come along rapunzel
rapunzel:
where are we going?
i built this great tower for you
rapunzel:
okay so i just sit in my tower right
right
why?
no reason. probably i’m just bored. i could also be acting out for a bad childhood. or, the feminist interpretation would be that being a woman is a dead end field in our society and putting you in a tower which in itself is a phallic symbol symbolizes that there is no escape from womanhood in the universe. all that matters about you is your hair, which in turn is a highway for the masculine force of our patriarchal society to enter and take possession of you. for as a woman, a possession is all that you are.
rapunzel:
ri-ight
i wrote a paper on this in college. i got a b+ because i was discriminated against. now - my pretty - you are going to wait here until i come up with something original to do with you - in the meantime i want you to try all these radioactive hair care products and see what happens
narrator 2:
and for no apparent reason, the enchantress decided to use her hair as a ladder
rapunzel! let down your hair to me!
rapunzel:
why didn’t you build stairs?!
my architect was drunk!
narrator 2:
so up climbed the enchantress
rapunzel:
owowowowowow
enchantress:
would it hurt you to wash this? hold still. there’s a birds nest in here. stop moving. you’re ruining this for me.
rapunzel:
owowowowowowow
(gets up to tower)
what’s up?
rapunzel:
what do you want?
hey um… what is my motivation here?
narrator 2:
ummm doesn’t really say
i just lock this mutant chick up for no reason?
narrator 2:
yeah, there’s really no reason for it
huh. all right, i guess i’m just some kind of sadistic witch
narrator 2:
like my ex-girlfriend
getting on with it. i have locked you in this tower, rapunzel; because…because a woman’s place is in the home. or in the tower.
rapunzel:
but i want a job
too bad. do some housework
rapunzel:
there’s no furniture
make some. goodbye
rapunzel:
weren’t you going to bring me lunch?
oh right. you know what, i forgot your sack lunch at home. i’ll have to climb back in later
(prince leaves tower)
rapunzel! rapunzel! let down your hair
rapunzel:
what am i, a ladder?
ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
who was that?
rapunzel:
nobody
don’t lie to me! you just had a man over!
rapunzel:
you’re being overprotective!
i know what’s best for you!
rapunzel:
i want to go and hang out with friends!
they’re a bad influence on you! i kept you here to protect you, don’t you see? from all those horrible men out there. and from bad influences on television and morning radio programs where all they talk about are bodily functions and getting wasted last night. that’s why you’re homeschooled. because modern society is horrible, darling. and if you go out there and hear a bad word or see something suggestive you’re going to fall apart and live the rest of your life strung out on drugs and riding ok the back of a guy named tanks harley. don’t you see? i did it for you.
rapunzel:
oh. you’re just trying to protect me from the real world. i get it now.
see? its because i love you that i lock you away in a tower and don’t let anyone near you. i don’t want to see you make the same mistakes i did so im taking away any possibility that you make any decisions whatsoever. its called parenting. your parents would have done the same thing if i didn’t steal you from them.
rapunzel:
yeah my real parents were jerks
which is what makes this all the more difficult
rapunzel:
ahhhhhh i’m bald
yes and now im going to banish you to a desert where you can wander for the rest of your life and think about how you disappointed me
narrator 2:
can we get back to our story please?
narrator 1:
right-o
i’ll just put rapunzel a hair on my head and wait for that hunky prince
prince 2:
rapunzel! rapunzel! let down your hair!
here are you are my darling!
owowowowowoo
prince 2:
ah! you’re not rapunzel!
oh so now you’re picky about who’s up here in the tower
narrator 2:
and as luck would have it he hit a thorn bush which poked out both his eyes
prince 2:
aack
that’s really too bad. i liked him. you know, i have this weird feeling that i’m slightly responsible for this situation. i’m over it. okay, what’s on the calendar for today?
turning a man into a golden goose. that should be rewarding.
dwarf 2:
oh come on, now everybody’s doing it!
are y’all gonna need me any time soon?
snow white:
but her step-mother was jealous
snow white.
dwarf 2:
stepmother
is that a zit i see on your face?
dwarf 2:
you’d like that, wouldn’t you?
i do believe you’re putting on weight.
dwarf 2:
not on this body, sister. these curves are tight and streamlined like a racing yacht owned by a rich colombian drug dealer.
i think you might need to tweeze your eyebrows. they’re looking… puffy
snow who’re:
just go with it. and the stepmother went to her room and gazed into her magic mirror.
mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
dwarf 1:
well its certainly not you.
curses!
snow white:
it was her stepmother
stepmother.
dwarf 2:
snow white.
snow white.
dwarf 2:
stepmother
look at me and know despair, snow white. for i have a lot of money and have been through a lot of plastic surgery in hollywood. my bust points north, my skin is as smooth as a lake after a storm and i’ve had all my tattoos lasted off. i’ve tucked, sucked, vacuumed and erased every visible trace of life experience in the past twenty seven years, and now, i am more beautiful than even you.
dwarf 1 (the mirror):
not quite.
dang it! well how about an apple as a peace offering?
dwarf 2:
when are you going to learn stepmother, that we women shouldn’t be judged by our surface beauty but rather by the contents of our brains?
um… that’s just stupid.
dwarf 2:
well how bout i use my martial arts skills to take you out then?
oh it’s on!
snow white:
until finally
i shall transform myself into a black dragon! ah hah hah hah!
snow white:
no that was in the sleeping beauty movie
i thought we were doing the sleeping beauty movie
dwarf 2:
take that, witch!
ah! i’m melting! actually i’m… bleeding! ahhhhhh
walt:
its tough being a princess i wish i was something else, like a frog.
done.
narrator 2:
i think she thinks the oscar committee is watching. but just then, her wicked stepmother entered.
why cinderella, what seems to be the trouble?
cinderella:
life! life and the misery it entails! if only my mother - my poor, dear, dead motherF were alive, she would take me to the ball
come here and sit on your step mothers lap
cinderella:
that’s weird.
get over it
now boy, youve really been hitting the pot roast, haven’t you? you’d think that eating dust and sleeping on the hearth would make you skinny -
cinderella:
im big-boned
right. now. would you like to go to the ball with us? before you answer! think! all those people looking at you. people who hate you on sight
its probably a nightmare. you’re lucky you get to stay home and clean things for us. let’s say you meet charming: oh, it goes alright at first, but then he notices you have bad breath because you haven’t been flossing for the past seven years and he fainted, the entire kingdom is in jeoprody -
wicked stepsister 2:
mother, aren’t you coming?
in a moment dear, run along
wicked stepsister 1:
oh no you didn’t!
girls, please! you’re both pretty. you’re both going to the ball. you both need to exit right now without saying anything else.
narrator 2:
and so… they left.
thank you. now, cinderella, i am a fair wicked stepmother, so….. i am going to empty an entire dish of lentils into the fireplace, and once you have picked them all out, you may go to the ball with us
cinderella:
oh i am truly blessed! thank you birds! fly, fly to freedom!
we’re off to the ball!
cinderella:
look wicked stepmother! i have removed all of the lentils
really?
well ain’t that a kick in the pants. um….
cinderella:
so i will be accompanying you to the ball! oh how i love balls!
frankly, i don’t think you’re good enough for balls. besides, you’ve got nothing to wear. we’d look pretty stupid carting your ugly mug around in those rage all night long. too bad. have to be going.
narrator 2:
and just then cinderella’s wicked stepmother and two wicked stepsisters arrived
cinderella!
narrator 2:
but they did manage to have a conversation. it went like this:
narrator 2:
do it
you should go to the dance with the princess
snow white:
you’re not going to oppress me!
i’m hotter than you!
snow white:
i don’t judge myself by my looks but i am still hotter than you!
want to fight about it
(fights with snow white)
your kung fu is stronger than mine
walt:
hi my name is walt and i haven’t appeared much in this play yet but i have a big dramatic monologue here that’s three pages long and
i’m rising from the dead and cursing you.
girl:
ah! the dev and the enchantress and the weird guy!
rumplestilsken:
rumplestilsken. darn it
deal?
girl:
tough cause i already sold you to the devil and the enchantress and the weird guy
come along rapunzel! i have a nice tower for you
devil:
you can have her as long as you sign this contract
fine!
prince:
i like long hair!
rapunzel:
i like you!
how dare you talk to anyone else
crab person (jas):
what? oh so that’s how it is? no crab people? fine. see if i care
go live in a desert!
prince:
baby?
die die die die!
narrator 1:
and they lived happily ever after
narrator 2:
and
i hope that contract i signed with the devil doesn’t have any repercussions
