Breaking the Male Code Flashcards
What are the four emotional competencies (Cs)?
- Connections
- Communication
- Commitment
- Conflict (management)
What are the hidden obstacles to close male connections?
- Male code
- Gender policing
What are the four Friendship Dementors?
- Machismo
- Dumbo
- Homophobo
- Misogyno
What are the fundamentals for a close guy friendship?
What - are my expectations for a friendship?
Who - chemistry
When - requires “dirt time”
Where - set aside private 1on1 time and space
How -
1) clear the necessary space
2) communicate positively
3) be patient
What are some antiquated friendship agendas?
- Dominance
- Proving manliness
- Conformity
What are the requirements for male emotional intimacy?
- Safety
- Opening up
- Expressing emotions
- Active listening and empathy
What are the components of safety in male emotional intimacy?
- Healthy boundaries (share enough but not too much)
- Confidentiality
- Communicating respect
What are the components of opening up in male emotional intimacy?
- Self-disclosure
- Vulnerability (allow yourself to be exposed to receive help)
- Reciprocity (When they share or are vulnerable, do the same)
What the components of expressing emotions in male emotional intimacy?
- Accessing your feelings
- Naming your feelings (the Feelings Wheel)
- Delivering your feelings
What are the components of active listening and empathy in male emotional intimacy?
- Receptivity
- Reflection (“mirroring”)
- Empathy (accuracy is key, imagine the feeling)
What are the keys to maintaining a male friendship?
- Stay in regular contact
- Schedule it
- Flexibility and persistence
- Make your conversations count
- Add fresh rituals to your routine
- Practice everyday loyalty (visitations)
- Be honest with your friends
- Include your friends in your other key relationships
- Treat your friendship as a long-term investment
Managing Conflict - What are the components of a good apology?
1) Identify the behavior
2) Offer a genuine apology
3) Agree on a plan to prevent the issue in the future
What should you consider when you talk about your marriage with your buddy?
1) Notice, ask questions, listen
2) Respect his relationship
3) Don’t just pile on with your own problems
4) If they ask, share your own experience or empathy-based suggestions
5) Be patient and trust your efforts
What are they key components of martial support from male friends?
Confidentiality and respect
What are some tips on fatherhood?
1) Start early and share often
2) Be ‘real’ in your conversations about your kids (i.e. don’t brag or sugarcoat)
3) Show your children your friendships in action
4) Show interest in your kids having strong relationships
5) Your role as a father will evolve. Continue to share over time.
6) Divorce is especially hard. Seek support for this.
