Book1

Question 1

commitment

Answer 1

a developmental component in relational development that directly influences whether or not individuals stay in or end their relationships

Question 2

types of commitment

Answer 2

1. “want to” commitment ? correlates with satisfaction 2. “have to” commitment ? no alternatives 3. “ought to” commitment ? sense of obligation

Question 3

6 dimensions for considering strength of commitment

Answer 3

1. perceiving a rewarding future2. identifying with the relationship3. perceiving fewer attractive alternatives4. a willingness to exert effort for the relationship5. investing more in the relationship6. accepting responsibility for your commitment

Question 4

declaration of love/reciprocation of love

Answer 4

both partners want to express their love, but the actual dialogue allows the pair to gradually work up to explicit declarations

Question 5

declaration of love/pseudo-reciprocation of love

Answer 5

the other partner’s readiness to reciprocate the “I love you” is incorrectly assessed

Question 6

declaration of love/refutation of love

Answer 6

the declarer misconstrues the partner’s readiness to reciprocate the “I love you” entirely and the partner is clearly unready to reciprocate

Question 7

personal idioms

Answer 7

~ as a result of their relationship history, intimates often develop an interpersonal jargon with private symbols and private meanings, known only to the intimate pair. in addition, they develop words and phrases commonly used by others that have special meanings for them. 1. expression of affection 2. teasing insults3. partner nicknames4. names for others5. requests and routines6. confrontations7. sexual invitations8. sexual references and euphemisms

Question 8

why might use of personal idioms decrease?

Answer 8

the use of personal idioms is likely to decline as the length of the relationship increases.this decrease may be due to:- situational changes (ie an idiom that mimicked one partner’s mother was dropped when the mother died)- stated displeasure with the idiom by a partner- relationship changes- need changes (the couple no longer feels the need to communicate the information represented by the idiom)- need for variety

Question 9

persuasive strategies used to get cooperation

Answer 9

1. ask: without giving any particular reasons, simply ask your partner for cooperation2. present information: present facts or evidence in support of your appeal3. mention personal benefits: show how one or both of you would benefit4. mention benefits to others: show your partner how his or her cooperation will benefit others5. butter up: make your partner feel special/important/wonderful6. mention relationship: use the relationship as a reason for cooperating - “as my best friend, I hope you’ll do this for me”7. bargain with a favor: offer to do a favor in exchange for the cooperation8. bargain with an object: offer your partner a highly desired physical object or money9. mention similar behavior: tell your partner about others who have done or would do the same thing10. make moral appeal: appeal to a moral value - “It’s the right thing to do”11. emotional appeal: cry, beg, throw a tantrum, sulk, or use some other emotional display12. criticize: attack your partner on a personal level, trying to make him or her feel personally inadequate13. deceive: mislead your partner14. threaten: inform your partner of the negative things that will result from not cooperating15. force: physically assault your partner or use some other means of force

Question 10

reasons for breaking up

Answer 10

1. breakdown in communication2. loss of shared goals/interests3. sexual incompatibility4. infidelity5. loss of excitement/fun6. money7. conflicts about children8. alcohol or drug abuse9. “inequality issues”10. in-laws

Question 11

3 reasons why relationships slowly lose vitality

Answer 11

1. a new intimate may enter the relationship scene2. interaction distance (& availability for interaction) may expand and, over time, will cause the relationship to fade.3. the normal processes of individual psychological and physical development over the course of the relationship may sap strength from the relationship.

Question 12

3 types of jealousy

Answer 12

1. time jealousy: the feeling that one does not have enough time with the partner2. person jealousy: one partner may be threatened (or irritated) by a specific person the other has chosen to relate to but not be threatened by others3. opportunity/situation jealousy: one person may have unique opportunities/experiences that exclude the partner, who then feels cheated, or one person may be invited to participate in experiences with people at times or in places that exclude the partner

Question 13

double-shot hypothesis

Answer 13

(in heterosexual relationships) men are more distressed over female partners who are sexually unfaithful because they are more likely to also be emotionally unfaithful. women are more distressed over male partners who are emotionally unfaithful because they are more likely to also be sexually unfaithful.

Question 14

sudden death

Answer 14

~ a quick, sudden end to a relationship - Partners in a relationship can lose feelings of intimacy, but continue to act as a couple because certain ties make it difficult to sever the relationship. Once these ties are loosened, the relationship is immediately over. Ex: “We need to stay together for the children”- Sometimes one person wants to terminate the relationship but the other person does not. If the unwilling partner is skilled enough, they can keep the relationship in limbo (promising “I’ll change”). The dissatisfied partner will try to unknowingly convince the other person to end the relationship. - Expectations for the rate of the development of the relationship differ, which will cause one person to end the relationship. (Moving too fast or too slow) - Neither party may want to end the relationship, but an event will occur that will force them to end it (competing for the same job). - Relational norms or rules of conduct that are broken can cause sudden death (Cheating: “I was drunk”, “I’ll never do it again”)

Question 15

Duck’s 4 Phase Model

Answer 15

1. Intra Psychic: one of the partners becomes more and more dissatisfied with the relationship2. Dyadic: here, the other person becomes involved; it is now a two-way discussion3. Social: this is where the breakup is “aired” and made public, and social implications are negotiated4. Grave Dressing: here, the ex-partners begin the organisation of their post-relationship lives, publicising their own accounts of the breakdown(5.) each partner prepares himself for a new relationship by re-defining himself and building on past mistakes/experiences

Question 16

distance

Answer 16

• The participants may make it harder to contact one another by sending nonspecific messages about where and when contact can be made (“Where can I reach you?” “Don’t bother, I’ll call you”)- Distance can also mean less variety in the topics discussed and less disclosure about one’s personal life. - Can be communicated through nonverbal behaviors: –> less direct body orientation –> less total eye contact–> eye contact for shorter durations, except when used to intimidate or threaten–> less touching–> a colder vocal tone–> silences filled with discomfort–> embarrassment–> disaffection rather than warmth

Question 17

disassociation

Answer 17

• an increasing concern for oneself, resulting in a decreased concern for the relationship. inclined towards less compromise in the relationship (“I win, you lose” mentality) - an increase in individual experiences and fewer activities jointly performed by the partners in the relationship. (More “I”, “me”, “my”, “mine”, rather than “we”, “our”, “us”)- is an increased attempt to emphasize differences and accentuate individuality (taking interest in new things that deviate from known preferences of the other)

Question 18

3 functions of leave-taking behaviours

Answer 18

1. Summarizing the substance of the discourse: some relationship farewells require a historical summary, emphasizing all the bad stuff to provide a reason for the break up. 2. Signaling the impending decreased access between the communicators: letting people know we are going to be absent from their lives for awhile3. Signaling supportiveness: “Thanks for your time, you’ve really helped me” or “Yeah well…take care of yourself”

Question 19

2 methods to verbally explain why someone is leaving

Answer 19

1. Internal legitimizer: the “leaver” takes sole responsibility for leaving2. External legitimizer: the justification for leaving is derived from forces external to the leaver. “I can see other people are waiting for you, I’ll be going”

Question 20

types of relational transgressions

Answer 20

• broken promises- overreaction to victim’s behaviour- inconsiderate behaviour- violating the victim’s desired level of intimacy- neglect- threats of infidelity- verbal aggression- unwarranted disagreement- violent behaviour

Question 21

Miller points out that when we make predictions about the consequences of our messages, we deal with information on three levels:

Answer 21

1. A Cultural Level: judging our predictions against culture-specific norms (e.g., anticipating little political success in the United States by running on a Marxist ticket)2. A Sociological Level: basing our predictions on what we know about a person’s reference groups (e.g., most Catholics are against abortion)3. A Psychological Level: making predictions based on a specific individual and how that individual differs from the cultural norms and the general characteristics of his or her reference groups.

Question 22

Sillars notes that there are several conditions when accuracy might even be harmful to relationships, including:

Answer 22

• Irreconcilable Differences: when clarifying partners’ views on an issue will not help to resolve the differences between them- Benevolent Misconceptions: when maintaining certain misconceptions helps facilitate relational satisfaction and stability- Blunt, Unpleasant Truth: when being completely “truthful” or “honest” creates pain or distress for one or both partners

Question 23

Wish, Deutsch, and Kaplan found that the subjects of their study tended to view interpersonal relationships along four major dimensions:

Answer 23

1. cooperative-friendly vs competitive-hostile2. equal vs unequal3. intense vs superficial4. socioemotional-informal vs task oriented-formal

Question 24

3 types of forgiveness

Answer 24

1. Total forgiveness: completely forgiving the person and letting them know of it 2. Silent forgiveness: forgiving the person but not making them aware (letting them stew a bit)3. Hollow forgiveness: claiming you have forgiven the person but not really forgiving them.

Question 25

remedial strategies

Answer 25

• Apologies: apologies are extremely complex and fragile acts; the way an apology is performed is far more important than whether or not one is given. Apologies can vary from a simple “I’m sorry” to the transgressor castigating himself, compensations, expressing regret, promising to never repeat the offense, and swearing that it was unintentional. - Appeasement: doing something to try and make it up to the partner (giving them flowers, planning a special dinner, doing extra favors, kissing ass basically, etc.)- Relationship Invocation: talking about the hurtful event within the context of the broader relationship. Ex: “I know we can get through this because we love each other so much”. This reinforces the positive qualities of the relationship.

Question 26

deception

Answer 26

~ a method for controlling information~ morality determined by the deceiver’s motives~ conscious act that fosters in another a belief or understanding that the deceiver considers false

Question 27

types of lies

Answer 27

1. falsification - “bold-faced lie,” completely made up, falsehood, untruth2. concealment - leaving important information out that you know would affect the other person[’s reactions, etc]3. equivocation - intentionally vague, many possible interpretations

Question 28

why do people lie?

Answer 28

• to save face- to guide social interactions- to avoid tension/conflict- to expand/reduce relationships- impression formation