big bang theory Flashcards
widen circle
Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.p
examine the chain of causality here.
Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
babies
Sheldon: Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
erotic bouillabaisse.
Penny: Anyway, she got here today, and she’s just been in my apartment, yakkety-yakking about every guy she’s slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Howard: Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse.
protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny: Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.)
Sheldon: Hmmh, wrong.
Penny: I’m listening.
Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Indian starving right here.
Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls.
Leonard: We don’t order egg rolls.
Sheldon: Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here.
Raj: Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here.
It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again.
Penny: Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck.
Leonard: Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.
Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.
turn our lights on and off.
Penny: Boy, that’s brilliant, but I’ll see you.
Leonard: No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See!
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
Penny: Huh, well that’s handy. Um, here’s a question, why?
All together: Because we can. (There is a loud noise)
everything else is optional.
eonard: Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional.
Zip it, lock it.
Sheldon: Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence.
Penny: Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket.
apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote
Sheldon (who previously spoke, now removing his hood and dark glasses): Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
Leonard: I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science.
Sheldon: Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?
Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon: No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
easily defeat you single-handedly.
Leonard: So, is that your team.
Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?
Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl
Leslie: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle?
Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?
I want a different question.
Sheldon: Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Oww!
Gablehouser: AA, I need your official answer.
Sheldon: Well it’s not what he said.
Gablehouser: Then what is it?
Sheldon: I want a different question.
Gablehouser: You can’t have a different question.
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Gablehouser: Denied.
Sheldon: Informal protest.
Gablehouser: Denied. I need your official answer.
Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.
Gablehouser: Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
birth to my colon.
Scene: The stairwell, approaching the apartment door. Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the last part of the stairs.
Leonard: Come on, guys, push.
Howard (off): If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon.
f my fingers ever work again,
Raj (off): I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up.
Sheldon: It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.
Raj: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Raj: If my fingers ever work again, I’ve got a job for the middle one.
This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Sheldon: So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knocked you unconscious right now?
Sheldon: It won’t change the past.
Leonard: But it would make the present so much nicer.
Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody’s until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo-scientific hokum.
Penny: Blah blah blah, a typical Taurus. So, seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?
Sheldon, I didn’t see your present.
enny: Uh, Sheldon, I didn’t see your present.
Sheldon: That’s because I didn’t bring one.
Penny: Well why not?
Howard: Don’t ask.
Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
Howard: Too late.
Sheldon: Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?
a present before the party
Sheldon: Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don’t drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers.
this granola bar, there’s peanuts in it.
Howard (picks up a granola bar from the table, breaks off half and puts it in his back pocket.): Oh-oh. (Louder) Oh-oh!
Leonard: What’s the matter?
Howard: This granola bar, there’s peanuts in it.
Leonard: Oh my God, why did you eat it?
Howard: I don’t know, it was just there.
Leonard: Well if I had a gun there, would you have shot yourself?
Howard: Don’t yell at me, I’ve got to go to the emergency room.
you don’t work here.
Penny (with shop assistant, points at Sheldon): Him.
Assistant: Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here.
Sheldon: Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
You’re asking me to keep a secret
enny: Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon: You’re asking me to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour.
friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
Penny: Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.
Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.
Penny: Oh Sheldon, please, look, I’m asking you as a friend.
Sheldon: So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends?
Scene: The stairwell.
