At The Wedding Scene 9 - Carlo and Leigh Flashcards by Karishma Ruhnke

Leigh: you’re still here

Carlo: you too

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Leigh: got caught heading for the door
what are you doing?

Carlo: why do they call it a white elephant?

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Leigh: I’m not sure

but you do know this isn’t a white elephant, right?
this is just the gift table
for the bride and groom

Carlo: I’m not sure

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Leigh: no, I’m telling you, it isn’t

Carlo: elephant in the room
white elephant

if I am the elephant in the room
do I make all gift tables into white elephants
by like
existing?

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Leigh: probably not, no

and what makes you think you’re the elephant in the room?

Carlo: the bride’s my ex

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Leigh: I think there were a lot of exes here

Carlo: really?

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Leigh: yeah

my brother’s ex was here

Carlo: your brother?

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Leigh: the groom

Carlo: oh God

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Leigh: yeah

Carlo: what’s he like?

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Leigh: I don’t know

Carlo: you don’t know

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Leigh: not really
I mean
he’s my brother so
I hate him and I love him
and I have no idea who he is

Carlo: right

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Leigh: what’s she like?

Carlo: I don’t know

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Leigh: you don’t know

Carlo: she’s me ex so
I hate her and I love her
and I have no idea who she is

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Leigh: makes sense

Carlo: I really have no God damn idea who she is

look at all these presents
what are these?
look at this stupid party

sorry, is that —

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Leigh: no, it is pretty stupid

Carlo: did they feed each other cake too?
like some terrible hetero charade?
like “we’re married now so we can’t eat cake by ourselves”

who the hell is she even?

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Leigh: I don’t really know

Carlo: I think it is a white elephant
I think one of these gifts is meant for me

I think if I pick the right gift off this table,
the whole rest of my life will just sort of open up

like if I get a kitchen-aid
I’ll know I’m supposed to take better care of myself
but if I get a towel set
it means I’m supposed to indulge more

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Leigh: is that what a towel set means?

Carlo: wedding presents
such a fucking joke
they’re already happy
they’re already adults
they have fucking utensils
two whole sets probably

you know when they should give you presents?
divorce
because that’s when you realize you don’t have any mixing bowls
that’s when you find yourself suddenly eating soup out of a mug
and it doesn’t feel cute

there’s nothing romantic about an empty house
when it doesn’t feel like a beginning
when it feels like an end

I hope they got a prenup
that’s when you want to figure everything out
when you still love each other

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Leigh: so I’m getting that you’re a romantic…

Carlo: I think maybe this one is calling to me

it’s small
no one will miss it

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Leigh: I don’t know —
looking for a message
in random things

do you turn on the radio and assume all the songs are about you?

Carlo: one hundred percent
yes

what’s the alternative?

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Leigh: you know
making your own decisions
taking responsibility for your actions
not seeing yourself as a victim of a random universe
but as an active player in your own life

Carlo: hm
that’s an interesting way of looking at the world
I’ve never thought of that
but
if I do it my way
I get a present right now

and that seems nice

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Leigh: are you sure it’s that one?
that’s the one that’s going to tell you how to live your life?

Carlo: yeah,
I can just sort of feel it
the universe is telling me
this is the one

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Leigh: open it

Carlo: shit
who gives someone an empty photo frame?

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Leigh: “My Favorite Love Story is Ours”

what’s it tell you?

Carlo: that my life is a cruel joke

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Leigh: maybe it’s telling you to fill the frame
no more empty space

Carlo: maybe

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Leigh: come on, let's get out of here

Carlo: why?

Leigh: what?

Carlo: let's say we did let's say we walked out that door and we had the best night of our lives then what? it never ends well

Leigh: first tell me about the best night of our lives then I'll tell you about the then what

Carlo: we sneak out through the kitchen grabbing a bottle of champagne as we slip by

Leigh: and half the cake

Carlo: half?!

Leigh: I get hungry when I drink

Carlo: alright, half and we take the cake — where do we take it?

Leigh: to the dive down the street called the Golden West

Carlo: I love the Golden West

Leigh: we share the cake with everyone in the bar, which makes us wildly popular we drink a few rounds for free

Carlo: rounds of what

Leigh: tequila

Carlo: oooo this is going to hurt tomorrow

Leigh: but we're not worried about tomorrow because just then an announcement flashes on the shitty bar television

Carlo: breaking news

Leigh: the world is officially ending this is our last night on earth so we lean over the juke box

Carlo: there's no juke box at the Golden West

Leigh: pretend there's a juke box

Carlo: oh *that* juke box

Leigh: and we put on all the best songs for an impending apocalypse

Carlo: and we dance

Leigh: we're very close together

Carlo: until it's later than either of us imagined and then we grab our bottle of champagne

Leigh: we didn't drink that already?

Carlo: no, no, no, we've been drinking tequila we've been saving the champagne

Leigh: for what

Carlo: for this — we walk all the way down Redwood all the way to the beach

Leigh: that street is still fenced off

Carlo: we climb the fence

Leigh: I'm terrible at climbing

Carlo: I give you a boost

Leigh: you're not very strong

Carlo: wait, no, look — a hole in the fence just over there

Leigh: we climb through it

Carlo: it scrapes

Leigh: I kiss your scrapes

Carlo: we keep walking down to the beach

Leigh: the sand is cold the water is freezing

Carlo: there's a significant amount of driftwood an alarming amount

Leigh: we build a makeshift structure

Carlo: for our last night on earth

Leigh: we open the champagne

Carlo: but we don't drink it

Leigh: why not?

Carlo: because we've started kissing

Leigh: have we?

Carlo: we've started kissing and we can't stop

Leigh: we take our clothes off

Carlo: the sand is cold

Leigh: I don't notice the sand

Carlo: God you look good in moonlight

Leigh: so do you

Carlo: shit

Leigh: what?

Carlo: suddenly I'm sad

Leigh: why are you sad?

Carlo: I'm bereft

Leigh: why?

Carlo: I wish it wasn't the last night on earth

Leigh: wait, look

Carlo: what?

Leigh: just over the ocean — the sun is coming up

Carlo: no, that's worse

Leigh: is it?

Carlo: yes, the only thing worse than the end of the world is surviving it thank you though for a great night

Leigh: we haven't had it yet

Carlo: I have, it was wonderful you're...

Leigh: stop, hold on, look at me: take a risk, Carlo risk joy

Carlo: you're not a graphic designer by any chance are you?

Leigh: how did you know that?

Carlo: are you fucking kidding me

Leigh: what?

Carlo: I started the night by taking shots with your fiancé

Leigh: I don't have a fiancé

Carlo: good luck telling Eli that

Leigh: we're open

Carlo: okay, great, good luck with all that

Leigh: why are you being so judgemental all of a sudden?

Carlo: I'm just really annoyed that you're making me empathize with a straight man right now

Leigh: he's not straight we're very queer

Carlo: okay — noted that's not actually the point the point is that guy that stupid little man in a floral shirt breaks my fucking heart with how much he loves you, okay so if you don't love him —

Leigh: of course I love him just because we're not monogamous doesn't mean —

Carlo: tell me about him

Leigh: he's like the nicest person I've ever met

Carlo: yeah, yeah, yeah, he's nice, he's funny, he's cute whatever tell me the real stuff

Leigh: that is the real stuff

Carlo: what's his genre?

Leigh: what?

Carlo: if he was a book, what would his genre be?

Leigh: that's a weird question

Carlo: just answer it!

Leigh: I don't know! he'd be witty non-fiction

Carlo: that's kind of a good answer actually — it's not what I was thinking, but

Leigh: what were you thinking?

Carlo: he said he was a small comedy of errors risking tragedy

Leigh: what?

Carlo: I don't know, he's your fiancé

Leigh: he's not my fiancé! look, we've been together for like six years some of it is just eating you vegetables at this point

Carlo: he's not eating his vegetables

Leigh: he is! he puts in the work

Carlo: no, I mean he's having a four-course meal with dessert if you're eating your vegetables do me a favor and just break his heart

Leigh: you don't know anything about us

Carlo: you've been trying to leave with me all night!

Leigh: don't flatter yourself, babe this party sucks

Carlo: I met Eli for like five minutes and I care more about his feelings than you do right now

Leigh: that's bullshit you don't know him

Carlo: neither do you, babe it's a fucking tragedy