At The Wedding Scene 9 - Carlo and Leigh

Question 1

Leigh: you’re still here

Answer 1

Carlo: you too

Question 2

Leigh: got caught heading for the door
what are you doing?

Answer 2

Carlo: why do they call it a white elephant?

Question 3

Leigh: I’m not sure

but you do know this isn’t a white elephant, right?
this is just the gift table
for the bride and groom

Answer 3

Carlo: I’m not sure

Question 4

Leigh: no, I’m telling you, it isn’t

Answer 4

Carlo: elephant in the room
white elephant

if I am the elephant in the room
do I make all gift tables into white elephants
by like
existing?

Question 5

Leigh: probably not, no

and what makes you think you’re the elephant in the room?

Answer 5

Carlo: the bride’s my ex

Question 6

Leigh: I think there were a lot of exes here

Answer 6

Carlo: really?

Question 7

Leigh: yeah

my brother’s ex was here

Answer 7

Carlo: your brother?

Question 8

Leigh: the groom

Answer 8

Carlo: oh God

Question 9

Leigh: yeah

Answer 9

Carlo: what’s he like?

Question 10

Leigh: I don’t know

Answer 10

Carlo: you don’t know

Question 11

Leigh: not really
I mean
he’s my brother so
I hate him and I love him
and I have no idea who he is

Answer 11

Carlo: right

Question 12

Leigh: what’s she like?

Answer 12

Carlo: I don’t know

Question 13

Leigh: you don’t know

Answer 13

Carlo: she’s me ex so
I hate her and I love her
and I have no idea who she is

Question 14

Leigh: makes sense

Answer 14

Carlo: I really have no God damn idea who she is

look at all these presents
what are these?
look at this stupid party

sorry, is that —

Question 15

Leigh: no, it is pretty stupid

Answer 15

Carlo: did they feed each other cake too?
like some terrible hetero charade?
like “we’re married now so we can’t eat cake by ourselves”

who the hell is she even?

Question 16

Leigh: I don’t really know

Answer 16

Carlo: I think it is a white elephant
I think one of these gifts is meant for me

I think if I pick the right gift off this table,
the whole rest of my life will just sort of open up

like if I get a kitchen-aid
I’ll know I’m supposed to take better care of myself
but if I get a towel set
it means I’m supposed to indulge more

Question 17

Leigh: is that what a towel set means?

Answer 17

Carlo: wedding presents
such a fucking joke
they’re already happy
they’re already adults
they have fucking utensils
two whole sets probably

you know when they should give you presents?
divorce
because that’s when you realize you don’t have any mixing bowls
that’s when you find yourself suddenly eating soup out of a mug
and it doesn’t feel cute

there’s nothing romantic about an empty house
when it doesn’t feel like a beginning
when it feels like an end

I hope they got a prenup
that’s when you want to figure everything out
when you still love each other

Question 18

Leigh: so I’m getting that you’re a romantic…

Answer 18

Carlo: I think maybe this one is calling to me

it’s small
no one will miss it

Question 19

Leigh: I don’t know —
looking for a message
in random things

do you turn on the radio and assume all the songs are about you?

Answer 19

Carlo: one hundred percent
yes

what’s the alternative?

Question 20

Leigh: you know
making your own decisions
taking responsibility for your actions
not seeing yourself as a victim of a random universe
but as an active player in your own life

Answer 20

Carlo: hm
that’s an interesting way of looking at the world
I’ve never thought of that
but
if I do it my way
I get a present right now

and that seems nice

Question 21

Leigh: are you sure it’s that one?
that’s the one that’s going to tell you how to live your life?

Answer 21

Carlo: yeah,
I can just sort of feel it
the universe is telling me
this is the one

Question 22

Leigh: open it

Answer 22

Carlo: shit
who gives someone an empty photo frame?

Question 23

Leigh: “My Favorite Love Story is Ours”

what’s it tell you?

Answer 23

Carlo: that my life is a cruel joke

Question 24

Leigh: maybe it’s telling you to fill the frame
no more empty space

Answer 24

Carlo: maybe

Question 25

Leigh: come on,
let’s get out of here

Answer 25

Carlo: why?

Question 26

Leigh: what?

Answer 26

Carlo: let’s say we did
let’s say we walked out that door
and we had the best night of our lives

then what?
it never ends well

Question 27

Leigh: first tell me about the best night of our lives
then I’ll tell you about the
then what

Answer 27

Carlo: we sneak out through the kitchen
grabbing a bottle of champagne as we slip by

Question 28

Leigh: and half the cake

Answer 28

Carlo: half?!

Question 29

Leigh: I get hungry when I drink

Answer 29

Carlo: alright, half

and we take the cake —
where do we take it?

Question 30

Leigh: to the dive down the street
called the Golden West

Answer 30

Carlo: I love the Golden West

Question 31

Leigh: we share the cake with everyone in the bar,
which makes us wildly popular
we drink a few rounds for free

Answer 31

Carlo: rounds of what

Question 32

Leigh: tequila

Answer 32

Carlo: oooo
this is going to hurt tomorrow

Question 33

Leigh: but we’re not worried about tomorrow
because
just then an announcement flashes
on the shitty bar television

Answer 33

Carlo: breaking news

Question 34

Leigh: the world is officially ending
this is our last night on earth

so we lean over the juke box

Answer 34

Carlo: there’s no juke box at the Golden West

Question 35

Leigh: pretend there’s a juke box

Answer 35

Carlo: oh that juke box

Question 36

Leigh: and we put on all the best songs
for an impending apocalypse

Answer 36

Carlo: and we dance

Question 37

Leigh: we’re very close together

Answer 37

Carlo: until it’s later than either of us imagined
and then we grab our bottle of champagne

Question 38

Leigh: we didn’t drink that already?

Answer 38

Carlo: no, no, no,
we’ve been drinking tequila
we’ve been saving the champagne

Question 39

Leigh: for what

Answer 39

Carlo: for this —
we walk all the way down Redwood
all the way to the beach

Question 40

Leigh: that street is still fenced off

Answer 40

Carlo: we climb the fence

Question 41

Leigh: I’m terrible at climbing

Answer 41

Carlo: I give you a boost

Question 42

Leigh: you’re not very strong

Answer 42

Carlo: wait, no, look —
a hole in the fence
just over there

Question 43

Leigh: we climb through it

Answer 43

Carlo: it scrapes

Question 44

Leigh: I kiss your scrapes

Answer 44

Carlo: we keep walking
down to the beach

Question 45

Leigh: the sand is cold
the water is freezing

Answer 45

Carlo: there’s a significant amount of driftwood
an alarming amount

Question 46

Leigh: we build a makeshift structure

Answer 46

Carlo: for our last night on earth

Question 47

Leigh: we open the champagne

Answer 47

Carlo: but we don’t drink it

Question 48

Leigh: why not?

Answer 48

Carlo: because we’ve started kissing

Question 49

Leigh: have we?

Answer 49

Carlo: we’ve started kissing
and we can’t stop

Question 50

Leigh: we take our clothes off

Answer 50

Carlo: the sand is cold

Question 51

Leigh: I don’t notice the sand

Answer 51

Carlo: God you look good in moonlight

Question 52

Leigh: so do you

Answer 52

Carlo: shit

Question 53

Leigh: what?

Answer 53

Carlo: suddenly I’m sad

Question 54

Leigh: why are you sad?

Answer 54

Carlo: I’m bereft

Question 55

Leigh: why?

Answer 55

Carlo: I wish it wasn’t the last night on earth

Question 56

Leigh: wait, look

Answer 56

Carlo: what?

Question 57

Leigh: just over the ocean —
the sun is coming up

Answer 57

Carlo: no, that’s worse

Question 58

Leigh: is it?

Answer 58

Carlo: yes, the only thing worse than the end of the world is surviving it

thank you though
for a great night

Question 59

Leigh: we haven’t had it yet

Answer 59

Carlo: I have, it was wonderful
you’re…

Question 60

Leigh: stop, hold on, look at me:

take a risk, Carlo

risk joy

Answer 60

Carlo: you’re not a graphic designer by any chance are you?

Question 61

Leigh: how did you know that?

Answer 61

Carlo: are you fucking kidding me

Question 62

Leigh: what?

Answer 62

Carlo: I started the night by taking shots with your fiancé

Question 63

Leigh: I don’t have a fiancé

Answer 63

Carlo: good luck telling Eli that

Question 64

Leigh: we’re open

Answer 64

Carlo: okay, great, good luck with all that

Question 65

Leigh: why are you being so judgemental all of a sudden?

Answer 65

Carlo: I’m just really annoyed
that you’re making me
empathize with a straight man right now

Question 66

Leigh: he’s not straight
we’re very queer

Answer 66

Carlo: okay — noted

that’s not actually the point
the point is

that guy
that stupid little man in a floral shirt
breaks my fucking heart
with how much he loves you, okay

so if you don’t love him —

Question 67

Leigh: of course I love him
just because we’re not monogamous doesn’t mean —

Answer 67

Carlo: tell me about him

Question 68

Leigh: he’s like the nicest person I’ve ever met

Answer 68

Carlo: yeah, yeah, yeah, he’s nice, he’s funny, he’s cute
whatever
tell me the real stuff

Question 69

Leigh: that is the real stuff

Answer 69

Carlo: what’s his genre?

Question 70

Leigh: what?

Answer 70

Carlo: if he was a book, what would his genre be?

Question 71

Leigh: that’s a weird question

Answer 71

Carlo: just answer it!

Question 72

Leigh: I don’t know!
he’d be witty non-fiction

Answer 72

Carlo: that’s kind of a good answer actually —
it’s not what I was thinking, but

Question 73

Leigh: what were you thinking?

Answer 73

Carlo: he said he was a small comedy of errors
risking tragedy

Question 74

Leigh: what?

Answer 74

Carlo: I don’t know, he’s your fiancé

Question 75

Leigh: he’s not my fiancé!

look, we’ve been together for like six years
some of it is just eating you vegetables at this point

Answer 75

Carlo: he’s not eating his vegetables

Question 76

Leigh: he is! he puts in the work

Answer 76

Carlo: no, I mean
he’s having a four-course meal with dessert

if you’re eating your vegetables
do me a favor
and just break his heart

Question 77

Leigh: you don’t know anything about us

Answer 77

Carlo: you’ve been trying to leave with me all night!

Question 78

Leigh: don’t flatter yourself, babe
this party sucks

Answer 78

Carlo: I met Eli for like five minutes
and I care more about his feelings than you do right now

Question 79

Leigh: that’s bullshit
you don’t know him

Answer 79

Carlo: neither do you, babe

it’s a fucking tragedy