Alice in Wonderland - Jason Pizzarella - Alice Lines Flashcards
Learn script (Alice's lines)
WHITE RABBIT. Oh, dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late. Oh, my ears and whiskers! Oh, my fur! Oh, my dear paws. How late it is getting! Oh, the Queen! The Queen! She will surely get me executed as sure as sure is sure.
Oh, what a fall! I’m not hurt, am I? I don’t think so. My, I wonder how many miles I fell down that hole? I must be somewhere near the center of the earth. Let me see. That would be four thousand miles down, I think; yes, that’s about the right distance, but then I wonder what latitude or longitude I’ve got to. I wonder if I fell right through the earth! How funny it’ll seem to come out among the people that walk with their heads downwards. I shall have to ask them what the name of the country is, you know. (Curtsy) Please ma’am, is this China or Australia? And what an ignorant little girl she’ll think me for asking. No, it’ll never do to ask; perhaps I shall see it written somewhere—
WHITE RABBIT. Oh, my paws. Oh, my fur and whiskers! Oh, the Queen, the Queen!
Excuse me, Sir— What a curious rabbit. Nicely dressed, though. Now, how shall I get out? If only it were not so dark—
WHITE RABBIT. Oh, dear, oh dear!
There you are again, White Rabbit. Please stop, won’t you?
SECOND ALICE. Wait, Sir! Oh, Sir - why you dropped your gloves. Sir-
Excuse me, girl—
Now wait a minute. That girl looked an awful lot like Alice. I mean, like me. I’m Alice. But if I’m Alice, who was that? Another Alice? Is that possible? How peculiar everything is today!
There must be someone who can help me here, someone who can show me the direction home. I’ll figure out WHERE I am first. That’s most logical.
(A most extraordinary noise is heard going on from inside a house, a constant howling and sneezing, and a great crash, as if a dish has been broken to pieces. ALICE approaches the noise coming from behind a little door. She knocks and knocks. The noise continues and no one answers.)
Hello?! Hello? I know someone’s there.
OLD SQUIRREL. What is it, now?
Where’s the servant whose business it is to answer the door?
OLD SQUIRREL. Which door?
This door, of course!
OLD SQUIRREL. To answer the door? What’s it been asking of?
I don’t know what you mean.
OLD SQUIRREL. I talks English, doesn’t I? Or are you deaf? What did the door ask you?
Nothing! I’ve been knocking at it!
OLD SQUIRREL. Shouldn’t do that - shouldn’t do that - Upsets it, you know. You let it alone, and it’ll let you alone, you know.
Could you tell me then, where I am exactly? I’m trying to figure out if -
OLD SQUIRREL. Care for a nut?
No, no thank you. Sister said I’m not to accept nuts from strange squirrels. Or was it candies from babies? Or -
FISH-FOOTMAN. For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
FROG-FOOTMAN. From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.
Did you hear me knocking? I was knocking for quite some time.
FROG-FOOTMAN. There’s no sort of use in knocking, and that’s for two reasons. First, because we’re on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they’re making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.
Please, then, how am I to get in? I wish to see the Duchess.
FISH-FOOTMAN. There might be some sense in your knocking, if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and we could let you out, you know.
(Louder:) But how am I to get in?
FISH-FOOTMAN. ‘til tomorrow, or the next day, maybe…
(Still louder:) Please tell me how to get in!
FISH-FOOTMAN. We shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.
But what am I to do?
FROG-FOOTMAN. Anything you like.
(The FOOTMEN begin to whistle.)
Oh, there’s no use talking to either of you. Why, you’re perfectly idiotic!
(SECOND ALICE enters and runs right by the FROG-FOOTMAN and FISH-FOOTMAN and into the house. The FOOTMEN barely notice.)
I guess you don’t need to knock after all…
(ALICE follows SECOND ALICE, past the FOOTMEN, opens the door and goes in. The door leads into a large kitchen. SECOND ALICE is nowhere to be found. The DUCHESS sits on a three-legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby. The COOK leans over the stove, stirring a large cauldron full of soup. A large CAT sits on the rug and grins from ear to ear. ALICE begins to sneeze.)
There’s certainly too much pepper in that soup!
(The DUCHESS sneezes occasionally as well. The baby sneezes and howls alternately without a moment’s pause.)
Please would you tell me, why your cat grins like that?
DUCHESS. It’s a Cheshire cat, and that’s why. (Suddenly, to the baby:) Pig!
I didn’t know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn’t know that cats could grin.
DUCHESS. They all can, and most of them do.
I don’t know of any that do.
(As the DUCHESS hurries out of the room, the COOK throws a frying pan after her, barely missing. ALICE holds on to the baby with some difficulty, as it snorts like a steam engine, and keeps doubling itself up and straightening itself out again. ALICE manages to carry it outside.)
(To the baby:) Now, if I don’t take you away with me, they’re sure to kill you in a day or two: wouldn’t it be murder to leave you behind?
(The COOK takes the cauldron of soup off the fire, and starts throwing everything within her reach at the DUCHESS and the baby–the pots come first; then a shower of saucepans, plates, and dishes. The DUCHESS takes no notice of them even when they hit her. ALICE manages to jump out of the way.)
(To the COOK:) Oh, please mind what you’re doing!
DUCHESS. If everybody minded their own business, the world would go round a great deal faster than it does.
Which would not be an advantage, just think of what work it would make with the day and night! You see, the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis - twenty-four hours, I think; or is it twelve? I -
(The baby grunts.)
Don’t grunt, that’s not at all a proper way of expressing yourself.
(The baby grunts again.)
If you’re going to turn into a pig, my dear, I’ll have nothing more to do with you.
(The baby grunts even louder. ALICE undoes the baby’s blanket to reveal that it is, in fact, a pig. ALICE, quite alarmed, sets the creature down. The pig trots away.)
Curiouser and curiouser…
(The CHESHIRE CAT appears sitting on a bough of a tree. It has a large grin, very long claws and a great many teeth, yet appears to be gentle.)
Cheshire Cat, would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
CHESHIRE CAT. That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
I don’t much care where -
CHESHIRE CAT. Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.
- so long as I get somewhere…
CHESHIRE CAT. Oh, you’re sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.
What sort of people live about here?
CHESHIRE CAT. In that direction, lives a Hatter: and in that direction, lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they’re both mad.
But I don’t want to go among mad people.
CHESHIRE CAT. Oh, you can’t help that. We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.
How do you know I’m mad?
CHESHIRE CAT. You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.
And how do you know that you’re mad?
CHESHIRE CAT. Well, then, you see, a dog growls when it’s angry, and wags its tail when it’s pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.
I call it purring, not growling.
CHESHIRE CAT. Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen today?
I should like it very much, but I haven’t been invited yet.
CHESHIRE CAT. By-the-bye, what became of the baby? I’d nearly forgotten to ask.
It turned into a pig.
(The CHESHIRE CAT vanished again. ALICE waits a moment, expecting it to return, but it doesn’t. She considers which way to go.)
(To herself:) I’ve seen hatters before. The March Hare will be much the most interesting, and perhaps as this is May it won’t be raving mad - at least not as mad as it was in March.
CHESHIRE CAT. Did you say pig, or fig?
I said pig. And I wish you wouldn’t keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly: you make one quite giddy.
(This time the CHESHIRE CAT vanishes quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remains some time after the rest of it has gone.)
Well! I’ve often seen a cat without a grin, but a grin without a cat! It’s the most curious thing I ever saw in my life! (Looking around:) Now, which way did he say to go again?
MAD HATTER / MARCH HARE. No room! No room!
There’s plenty of room!
MARCH HARE. Have some wine.
I don’t see any wine.
MARCH HARE. There isn’t any.
Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it.
MARCH HARE. It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
I didn’t know it was your tabie, it’s laid for a great many more than three.
MAD HATTER. Your hair wants cutting.
You should learn net to make personal remarks. It’s very rude.
MARCH HARE. Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?
Exactly so.
MAD HATTER. Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
I believe I can guess that.
MARCH HARE. Then you should say what you mean.
I do; at least - at least I mean what I say - that”s the same thing, you know.
MARCH HARE. It was the best butter, you know.
What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn’t tell what o’clock it is!
MAD HATTER. What day of the month is it?
The fourth.
HATTER. Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?
Of course not, but that’s because it stays the same year for such a long time.
MAD HATTER. Which is just the case with mine.
I don’t quite understand you.
MAD HATTER. Have you guessed the riddle yet?
No, I give it up, what’s the answer?
MAD HATTER. I haven’t the slightest idea.
MARCH HARE. Nor I.
DORMOUSE. Nor I.
I think you might do something better with the time, than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers.
MAD HATTER. If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn’t talk about wasting it. It’s him.
I don’t know what you mean.
MAD HATTER. Of course you don’t! I dare say you never even spoke to Time!
Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
MAD HATTER. Ah! That accounts for it. He won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o’clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons: you’d only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past one, time for dinner!
That would be grand, certainly, but then- I shouldn’t be hungry for it, you know.
MAD HATTER. Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse, when the Queen jumped up and bawled out, “He’s murdering the time! Off with his head!”
How dreadfully savage!
MAD HATTER. Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half-past one as long as you liked.
Is that the way you manage?
MAD HATTER.
“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!”
You know the song, perhaps?
I’ve heard something like it.
MAD HATTER. And ever since that, he won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now.
Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here?
MAD HATTER. Exactly so, as the things get used up.
But what happens when you come to the beginning again?
MAD HATTER. Yes, that’s it, it’s always tea-time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between whiles.
Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
MARCH HARE. Tell us a story!
Yes, please do!
(The DORMOUSE falls fast asleep, face down into a pot of tea.)
He’s asleep!
MAD HATTER. I like the beginning.
But there wasn’t a middle!
MARCH HARE. Take some more tea.
I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more.
MARCH HARE. You mean you can’t take less, it’s very easy to take more than nothing.
Nobody asked your opinion.
(ALICE doesn’t know what to say to this: so she helps herself to some tea and bread-and-butter, and then turning to the DORMOUSE - )
But what happened in the story?
MAD HATTER. Then you shouldn’t talk!
(ALICE gets up in great disgust.)
Why, this is the rudest tea-party I’ve ever been to in all my life!
(ALICE runs off after her. The DORMOUSE falls asleep instantly, and the MARCH HARE and the MAD HATTER, not noticing ALICE, attempt to put the DORMOUSE back in the teapot. ALICE runs into a very high narrow wall. She notices HUMPTY DUMPTY sitting with his legs crossed, on the top.)
You look exactly like an egg!
(The MAD HATTER moves one place, and the DORMOUSE follows him. The MARCH HARE moves into the DORMOUSE’s place, and ALICE takes the place of the MARCH HARE. The MAD HATTER is the only one who gains any advantage from the change.)
(Speaking as she moves:) But I don’t understand why we’re moving places. Really, I don’t think -
