Airness Flashcards
Shreddy Eddy Lines
“Worst idea you’ve ever had man” - D Vicious
Somebody does crucified Jesus every year, don’t be that guy
“It’s sonic coherence on every level. How are people not putting it together?” - Golden Thunder
It’s a killer supercut, man. But maybe it’s just a little too much. That’s a lot of threads to weave into sixty seconds.
“If we lose sight of that, what are we even doing here?” -Golden Thunder
I saw a guy play n-ked in Des Moines this year
“Did he place?” - D Vicious
Disqualified
“And this will be, what, the fourth year you don’t qualify for Nationals?” - D Vicious
Woah, dude! That’s harsh.
“Am I not allowed to bring up the actual fact that neither one of you have ever qualified for the National Championships?” -D Vicious
I mean, you can bring it up. You don’t have to be a jerk about it. (Short pause) Last year was your first year at Nationals, and you won the whole thing. One of us could pull that off. Plus, this season, my song is untouchable. Which you would know, if you had been to any of the qualifiers
“It doesn’t matter how superior your taste is if you cant put on a show.” - D Vicious
(a tense pause)
Dude, that Sprite commercial really inflated your ego
“I’ll probably just throw something together in the green room during round one” - D Vicious
(hurt) You’re not even going to watch us play?
“I’ve got plenty of time to figure that out” - D Vicious
What are you playing?
“I got lots to get done” - D Vicious
(skeptical) Like what?
“Shreddy Eddy, it fills my heart to the brim to see you hale and hearty.” - Facebender
Happy to have you in the room, buddy
“Egregious!” -Facebender
The judges at some of these small qualifiers, I mean, who are they? What qualifies them to judge competitive air guitar on our level, you know?
“Un-commercializable” - Golden Thunder
Totally democratic
“And we look totally cool doin’ it” - D Vicious
(click glasses)
But do these new judges understand that? No. They do not. These qualifiers used to be judged by rock gods, real legends. But now there are so many of them, its washed-up comedians and satellite radio DJs.
“Hey Shreddy. Golden. Facebender.” - Canibal Queen
Hey, CQ
“As skilled as she is mysterious. The Aphrodite of air guitar” - Facebender
That’s excessive, but I will admit, Cannibal Queens got the best technique in the game right now. There’s nothing the judges can pull out in the second round that she cant nail.
“This isn’t Carnegie Hall-“
(interrupting) Technical points win championships-
“Dispute it if you can, Shreddy. You can’t!” - Golden Thunder
Don’t dismiss your technical scores is all I’m saying. You might be able to fudge your left hand placement here in small qualifiers, but on the National stage? The international stage> That just doesn’t wash. That’s not going to wash in Finland. Air guitar is not a joke to anyone in Finland.
“I regret to inform you that the show doesn’t start for a few more hours.” - Facebender
I think they open the doors at nine. There’s a place with good pizza up the street, if you need to kill time.
“I know what time the show starts. I’m registered to compete” - Nina
“Really?” - Golden
Fresh meat!
“Delightful” - Facebender
I’m Ed Leary, Shreddy Eddy
“Those are your stage names?” - Nina
They’re our personas. Important distinction.
“It has already begun, you see” - Facebender
“I guess” - Nina
When we’re among competitors, we go by our personas.
“I’m Nina” - Nina
What do you go by onstage?
“Are stage names mandatory?” - Nina
Personas. And they’re not, but like, you’ve gotta have one to protect yourself.
“From what?” - Nina
From everything outside the music.
(Rolling her eyes) “Oh boy.” - Nina
When you get up there tonight, you wont be a girl onstage at a dine in Staten Island, doing a mime routine. You’ll be a rock goddess, playing Wembley Stadium. Madison square garden. The international space station. Melting faces and breaking hearts for 60 seconds. That rock goddess needs a name.
“I didn’t mean to insult anyone” - Nina
We’re not insulted. We just don’t want to talk to you anymore
“Conclave?” -Nina
Why did you register? Why are you here?
“ours is not a community built up on competition, but camaraderie” - Facebender
There are a few jerks in the mix, but for the most part, everyone’s chill
“Um, I thought I’d do Dont Stop Believin”- Nina
(groan) Are you serious right now?
“Doesn’t mean we want to heart it. Again” - Golden Thunder
Not to mention that song doesn’t exactly melt faces
“He played with Santana at 15!”
(impressed) Good point, well made. But the song, it just doesn’t shred. And it doesn’t have anything to do with you , unless you consider yourself “just a small town girl living in a lonely world”. Journey is for step moms and frat boys. You have to play something that blasts your soul, Nina.
“Wow. Helpful. Thanks.” - Nina
A boarding, overplayed, basic song only works if your cut if subverisve
“My.. cut?”- Nina
(groan) If you bomb up there, its going to bring down the quality of the show as a whole. I have like fifty different song cuts on my phone. Do you want to use one?
“I’m good, thanks. I’m just going to get up there and do what I do.” - Nina
But… this is not what you do
“San Diego” - Facebender
Chicago
“Maybe in the green room?” - Facebender
What a jerkstore
“He’s still competing tonight, right? D Vicious?” -Nina
No. He was never gonna compete tonight.
“But his name is on the poster!” - Nina
as the halftime entertainment. Vicious is the reigning camp. You’re going to have to make it all the way to Nationals if you wanna face off against him.
-Vignette 1: Competition Videos-
(you have first line… hint: signing)
I’m just gonna need your John Hancock on this
“Oh come on. I told you I would buy all of your drinks-“ -Nina
(interrupting) From now till Nationals.
“And my word is good. We do not need a contract.” - Nina
Well, considering that you showed up in Staten Island outta nowhere, acted like a complete jerk to everybody, and then got up onstage and thoroughly annihilated yourself, you’ll understand why I cant preform these services for you on the honor system. I’mma need you to sign this.
“Fine. Whatever” - Nina
I’ll email you a copy
“Do you do this for new people a lot?” - Nina
Sure. Anyone who asks.
“That must take a lot of time.” - Nina
It does. But there’s nothing else I’d rather be talking about, so.
“And here I thought I was special” - Nina
Well, I’ve never coached a girl before.
“Thats not reassuring” - Nina
You signed a contract, lady. Lets begin.
“Teach me. I have a notebook” - Nina
We’ll start with the foundation. You did the reading I sent you, yes?
“Yes.” - Nina
(In response to if she did the reading)
Pop quiz! First round is?
“A sixty seconds cut of a song I choose.” - Nina
Second round is-?
“Sixty seconds of a song chosen by the judges.” - Nina
Points are given?
“On a scale of 4.0 to 6.0” - Nina
Exactly like-?
“Figure skating” - Nina
Now tell me: what are the six pillars of air guitar?
“Artistic merit, originality, feeling, technical ability, charisma, and airness” - Nina
Great. Excellent. Memorize them. Internalize them. Metabolize them.
“I don’t know what any of that means” - Nina
And that is why YouTube was invented. (he types something into the computer). Okay, okay, so this is the Portland qualifier, two years ago. This is a great place to start. It was a pretty small house, but everybody really tore it up that night.
(Portland qualifier. Facebender, CQ, and Golden are onstage. its a video.)
Okay, so here’s our pal Golden Thunder. His highest marks are always in originality, as you saw in Staten Island, where he slayed.
“Yeah. His whole unification theme was great” - Nina
You picked up on that? I’m impressed.
“What fool wouldn’t put that together?” - Nina
Point, Nina! Golden approached airness that night. There is no denying it. (short pause). We’ll cover airness. Eventually.
“One thing at a time” - Nina
Obviously. So. As you’ll see:
(Golden rocks out to Rebel Yell- its a video)
Golden’s gift is that he can take a song that judges have heard a hundred times, in this case “Rebel Yell”, and make it totally his own, a brand new thing.
“Looks pretty standard to me” - Nina
Wait for it.
“oh no” - Nina
It’s not over
“Amazing” - Nina
Absolutely. Originality- you’ve got the idea.
“Was he writing the Emancipation Proclamation in the middle there?” - Nina
Very perceptive! And he fired cannons. And surrendered at the Appomattox.
“Good stuff” - Nina
Moving on! Facebender. What did I tell you in my email?
“His highest marks are always for feeling.” - Nina
Exactly. In a lineup full of ego and testosterone, Facebender is a bright spot of actual heart. He sends out his energy in a glorious wash over the crowd.
“Is he crying?” - Nina
He is
“Its… its so beautiful” - Nina
That dude uses air guitar to swim against a tide of real sadness. The judges can see that. And they hardcore respect it.
“You cant fake that kind of heart” - Nina
Exactly. You have to earn it. I gotta say, you’re taking to this like a fish to water. (short pause) Now, Cannibal Queen-
(interrupting) “Nope. I don’t want to watch her video” - Nina
You cant just get up there and play whatever. It’s not a dance routine. CQ is a classically trained guitarist, 100% about the music. Accuracy, specificity, and timing.
“My compulsory performance was almost as bad as my freestyle” - Nina
Worse.
“Hey!” - Nina
You seem to be kind of a natural, young Padawan, so Im not going to surgarcoat anything for you.
“Okay. Fair.” - Nina
(short pause) Now, your scores from Round One will be averaged with your scores from Round 2. For Round 2, as you experienced, its harder to prepare.
Every finalist preforms 60 seconds of a song picked by the judges. No one knows what the song will be a head of time, so you have to be prepared for them to get really creative.
“Creative how?” - Nina
Sometimes they pick a song that’s super cliche, or super obscure. Sometimes they pick a song specifically to weed out the snobs. For instance, Louisville, four years ago
“Who would dare be snobby about The Donnas” - Nina
Hair Metal Bro who don’t understand that The Donnas are spiritual successors to the Ramones
“The Ramones” - Nina and myself
Yeah. Exactly.
(facebender is having a rough time playing)
You see how lost Facebender looks?
“That is in no way the shape or size of an actual guitar” - Nina
Exactly. That was his first year. He had the heart and the drive, but he didn’t have the mechanics. He totally tanked it. Plus, he had to go first. You want to go as late as you can, so you can hear the song a bunch of times. But, the later you go, the more original you have to be. Which is why Golden Thunder did better in this round.
“Really?” - Nina
I said he did better. I didn’t say he did great. But Cannibal Queen-
(Cannibal Queen plays and slays)
Cannibal Queen takes it all.
“usually the whole ‘lone wolf’ thing works for me” - Nina
We operate under a more of a pack mentality
“Anyway, Im sorry if I offended you” - Nina
Hey. I’m a straight, white dude from the Middle West who doesn’t believe in religion. Its kind of hard to offend me.
“Fine, then I’ll do Sweet Child of Mine. You can’t argue with the merits of that song” - Nina
Slash himself has argued with the merits of that song. He started writing it as a string skipping guitar excersize
“Han shot second” - Nina
(with gusto) DIE IN A FIRE!!!!
“But?” - Nina
But, why are you the only person who could preform “American Girl”? Or “Smells Like Teen Spirit”? Or “Two Princes”? How is your sixty seconds of one of those songs an extension of your soul, and only your soul?
“Dude, how is ‘I Dont Wanna Grow Up’ an extension of YOUR soul?” - Nina
Nine, that song is my entire life
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. How?” - Nina
You got bigger things to worry about than why I play what I play. What about your persona? Been working on that?
“Oh yeah.” - Nina
And?
“What do you think of Kate Middle Finger?” - Nina
Who is she?
“Its like a play on the royal family” - Nina
No one in the royal family plays rock guitar
“What about Ruth Slayer Ginsburg. Get it? Its a pun!”- Nina
Is it?
“Who are my role models?” - Nina
Cannibal Queen
“I hope she b***** her **” - Nina
WOAH! What Is that violence about? Did CQ do something to you?
“Guess” - Golden
umm
“Facebenders kid is coming tonight” - Golden
Facebender has a KID?
“Like TV wrestling!” - Nina
(proud) Exactly, Grasshopper
“Cannibal Queen, for one-“ -Golden
Your fave gal. We’re gonna come back to that by the way
“Hes like.. your sad uncle” - Golden
From another century, or a story.. or…
“He dreams the impossible dream” - Nina
Uh- huh
“Shes right. I’m impressed” - Golden
Nina’s got a good eye for what’s going on under the hood of a routine
“I wish I shared your optimism” - facebender
we heard about your daughter, man
“Now I say it, I hear it” - Golden
Shes gonna love it. How old is she? Doesn’t matter. Shes gonna love it
“Has anyone seen Vicious?” - Cannibal Queen
he coming tonight?
“Im… um…” - Nina
Shes still working on a persona
“The…” - Nina
Shes not compeating again until NYC, so she has some time”
“If any of you see D Vicious, tell him I’m looking for him”
Your “not boyfriend”
“She knows his full name” - Golden
Let me guess, you saw his Sprite commercial
“I mean, yes, I saw it, I just… do you really think he’ll be here?” - Nina
Probably not. He hasn’t come to a single qualifier this year, and he bailed on that Staten Island halftime show. That dude used to be a friend, but now he’s just…
“The competition?” - Nina
(bitterly) Yeah.
“Shall I disgrace myself and dishonor Lynyrd Skynrd on the same night, in front of my only progeny?” - Facebender
(sighing) What?
“Now another deep breath in, hold it, aaand out. You’re doing great” - Nina
What are you, like a first responder?
“IF its the right song. And IF we all contribute” - Nina
I’m in
“Sunshine!” - Facebender
Driving with the top down and the music blasting!
“What is the song that feels like sunshine, that speaks directly from you to her?” - Nina
We find that song, and it’ll play right to your strengths
“What do you get uf you win the World Championships, anyway?” - Nina
Limited-edition custom Flying Finn electric guitar
“A real guitar is the grand prize?” - Nina
(shrugging) What?
“I didn’t mean that stuff, I didn’t! He gets into my head. Please!” - Nina
(without looking at her) Whatever, Nina.
“Got my routine all worked out” - Golden
I was thinking Weezer’s “Say It Aint So”. Some strong power chords to carry you into the next life.
“I’m the worst. I know” - Nina
Lots of people want to date us, actually
“Can I please get back on the group text? PLEASE?” - Nina
What do you say, guys?
“Which is?” - Nina
Tune our guitars.
(grumbling) “Fine” - Nina
Do mine first, since I’m competing
(Nina is tuning my guitar)
Much obliged.
“One ACHIEVES airness” - Golden
It cant be coached. It almost cant be explained.
“Oh, that clears it up” - Nina
Ill tell you what airness is NOT. Airness is NOT taking notes on what everyone is doing, but never getting up onstage to try anything yourself.
“Ill know when Im ready. Trust me” - Nina
Okay. Its just way more fun if you actually play.
“Shreddy, I really am sorry” - Nina
You said. You tuned.
“You were nice enough to coach me and I felt like maybe we were becoming… like.. maybe…” - Nina
Is it that hard for you to say the word “friends”?
“I want us to be friends because I think you’re cool” - Nina
I am. I am cool.
“Gonna do ‘I Dont Wanna Grow Up’ again tonight?” - Nina
Indeed. Johnny Ramone and I are in this together.
(Nine gives you a look)
What?
“I mean, so many Ramones songs objectively rock harder” - Nina
Were that true, WERE that true, and Im not saying it is, how hard a song rocks or how technically impressive it is, is NOT the only thing to consider when choosing a song. Everything about “I Dont Wanna Grow Up” makes it perfect for air guitar, for me, and for the Central Conference Finals.
“Go ooooooon” - Nina
The Ramones are from Forest Hills, Queens. I am from the South Side of Chicago. We are in Chicago now. This is all urban kismet.
“‘I Wanna Be Sedated’ is better known” - Nina
GRAAAAAH! Have you learned nothing? Am I, Shreddy Eddy, a man who wants to be sedated??
“Well its just-“ - Nina
You are the music and the music is you! You think I just picked my song off a jukebox? “I Dont Wanna Grow Up” was written by Tom Waits from the Bone Machine album, and he wrote that song for EXACTLY ME
“Exactly you?” -Nina
(getting really worked up) EXACTLY. Its about a young man, a few years into adulthood, looking at his parents, looking at his society, and stating firmly, “This is broken, and I opt out”. He doesn’t want the car, or the mortgage, or the soul sucking job, or to be bald and filled with doubt. He doesn’t have an alternative solution, because he’s running on fear, he’s frantic, he’s not thinking logically. The rhythm of it, the speed of the recording, the repetition- its a tantrum. He’s trying to stay a child, he’s running as fast as he can in the opposite direction, even though there’s NOTHING THERE. Its messed up, and its inevitable. You cant not grow up. (pause) That’s what Tom Waits knew. That’s what the Ramones recorded. That’s what I bring to the stage.
“Its charisma, its magnetism-“ - Nina
Its hard work, The Nina. Here (he smacks his head) and here (he smacks his heart). You don’t waltz into a qualifier with Guns N’ Roses because you’re mad at your ex-boyfriend. We’re here to share something, not to take something. Some of us here want to win this because we believe its special.
“I think its special, too! I really do” - Nina
I hope that’s true. (pause) You want to qualify in New York next month? You want to be an air guitar championship? You need to risk everything, because you’re gonna have to take it over my dead body. I’m your friend backstage, Im your friend in the green room, but for sixty seconds onstage, Im your competition. And I bleed for this. (GO INTO AIR GUITAR PREFORMANCE)
“Guys, I- I really- I dont know if I can do this” - Nina
WHAT
“That is in no way any kind of invitation to anyone in the room” - CQ
What song ARE you doing for the freestyle tonight, The Nina?
(shrugging) “Its a gift”- Golden
He’s right, The Nina. It’s not about whether the world needs another awesome guitarist. Its about how you feel when you’re up there. Its the pure joy of jumping around n*ked in your bedroom, but in front of screaming fans.
“End of discussion” - Nina
How, after all these months, does she still not get it?
“Genius” - Facebender
Heartless
(After the loss, with Nina, hint: reassuring her)
(reassuring) It was your first year. And you showed up in a big way. You weren’t bad you there tonight, you just…
“Weren’t good enough?” - Nina
Well, yeah. (short pause) No. No, you know what, truthfully, you slayed. You had the technique, your choreography was killer, everyone could see-
“My heart was in the wrong place and my song was a jerk move” - Nina
None of us could have predicted Vicious would go nuclear in Round Two.
“Y’all tried to tell me. I’m such an idiot” - Nina
I want to show you something
(wearily) What?
(referring to the video on his phone) This is my first-ever competition. Chicago, four years ago. I warn you, its pretty brutal.
(incredulous) “What?! You-“ - Nina
(interrupting) It was their best charting song in the US!
“This PREFORMANCE is pretty upsetting. (short pause) WOAH” - Nina
YEAH. Some wise guy took off his show and chucked it at me
“I see that.” - Nina
And I completely sucked
“You’ve clearly always had that in spades” - Nina
You’re just being nice
“Even when you’re totally bombing” - Nina
(blushing a little) I didn’t even make it to the second round that night. So why would a guy who bombed that epically his first time out, ever EVER, want to play air guitar again?
“Because its not about me, its about we. Golden Thunder taught me that.” - nina
Exactly. I went back to the greenroom that first night in absolute shame, trying to sneak out the back door. But before I could make my escape, Golden was there. And Cannibal Queen. Faceebender. Satan’s Sidekick. Mazel Tov Cocktail. Captain Air-Merica. We laughed together. They didnt mock me. They didnt kick me out because I’d failed. We all fail. That’s part of it. And we’re all still here.
“You found your people” - Nina
Exactly. And I think we’re your people, too. But we’re pretty pushy about collaboration.
“And I think I might be ready to hang up the lone wolf act” - Nina
Very cool.
“Just one on one? Would you be into that? Maybe we could check out some music or-“ -Nina
(eagerly interrupting) Yeah- I’d - I’d be really into that. Yes.
“You dodged that shoe like a ninja” - Nina
You’re going to watch it again?
“That is your ticket to glory, M’lady” - Facebender
When all the qualifiers are over, the Air Guitar organizers hold a Dark Horse competition. Its one round, sudden death, invitation only. And the winner gets to go to Nationals.
“Why am I only hearing about this now?” - Nina
(this is obvious) You cant plan on a Dark Horse! We never know when it will be, or where, or who the organizers will invite.
“Potential for what?” - Nina
Airness
“I have to give the judges a thing none of you can even explain to me” - Nina
(pasing) Airness is like.. like okay, we’re here, we’re like miming some of the greatest guitar licks ever played, right? We’re paying homage to those songs, those guitarists. Its like what little kids do, they hear music, it gets inside them, and then they just have to flip out about it. That’s where air guitar comes from, from a time before you cared about looking cool. You’re just trying to get inside the thing.
“Airness is when you actually do get inside the thing” - Golden
Its like… great stage magic
“Or drag” - CQ
Yeah! You’re not paying homage anymore. You’re the creator of something totally new.
“Transcended having an actual guitar in my hands?” - Nina
“Exactly.” - CQ
You’re expressing something as true and as free and as powerful as Hendrix or Prince of Malmsteen or Joan Jett, but you’re doing it without an instrument.
“Did you throw Jean Jett in there just because shes a girl?” - CQ
Joan Jett started the Runaways when she was 17 and she is still touring. She has never taken a year off. Her first solo album was rejected by 23 record labels and she still kept right on going. There is no one on God’s green Earth more rockstar than Joan Jett. Fight me.
“How am I supposed to pick the perfect song under this kind of pressure?!” - Nina
Hive mind- Activate!!!
(pausing)
Golden Thunder! What should our girl play and why?
“Cherry Bomb. In male drag” - Golden
Okay, great stuff, but-
“Think bigger!” - CQ
What’s your suggestion?
“For The Love of God is a technical masterpiece!
But that’s what you do, Cannibal Queen.
“ARRRGH.” - CQ
You are our only hope! Save us, aged one!
“Dude, what have I told you about the age jokes?” - Facebender
(sincerely) Sorry.
“I assume you have a suggestion, Shreddy?” - CQ
Of course I do. And its a hands down winner. (short pause for dramatic effect) “Everlong” Foo Fighters
“Alas!” - Facebender
“Satans Sidekick already qualified with Everlong” - Golden
Simultanious
Motörhead? Hendrix? Vaughn?
“air guitar comes from a time before you cared about looking cool?” - Nina
Yeah. Like when you were a kid, and you’d just flip out.
“Thats where I’m going to find my airness” - Nina
What’s that song, The Nina? Do you have it?
“Almost makes you feel sorry for him” - Nina
Yeah. Almost. (envious) We’s gonna have the most advantageous spot in the lineup tonight.
“But we have something he’s lost” - Nina
Raw joy?
“This is amazing!”
It truly is. Every time.
“He absolutely hates this” - Golden
More than hates it. Its a joke to him. He’s gotten so good that he’s actually come back around to mockery.
“This is some sad, sad stuff” - CQ
Who does the same song two years in a row? That’s not just unwise- its unFUN
“This years Air Guitar National Champion, who’ll be prepping Uncle Sam at the World Championships in Finland is: THE NINA!!” - Announcer
(Very excited for her) Come on, I demand a recount!
