Agnes - SKM First Half Flashcards
TILLY: What are you doing?
Talking on the phone. What are you doing?
TILLY: Trying to re-animate a dead lizard with the power of electricity.
Oh, okay…WHAT!?!
NARRATOR: As Agnes grew and grew, she became more and more engrossed with transcending her seemingly permanent state of averageness and made one grand wish on the night of her college graduation that she would never forget.
I wish my life was less boring!
CHUCK: WHOA, WHAT IN THE HADES!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you-
CHUCK: I wasn’t scared. I’m a black belt…in Jedi…jitsu-
I’m looking for a Chuck Biggs?
CHUCK: You’re looking at him! But my homies just call me simply DM Biggs cause, you know, I’m “big” where it counts.
Uh…
CHUCK: As in MY BRAIN!
Oh!!!
CHUCK: Not because I’m fat. Seriously, it really has nothing to do with body mass index, I actually work out…or plan on working out-
I get it.
CHUCK: So what can I do for you?
Someone told me you might know a thing or two about Dungeons and Dragons.
CHUCK: Depends if we’re talking first or second edition…PSYCHE! It doesn’t matter which edition cause my D&D IQ is plus three hella high!
You’re very odd.
CHUCK: “Odd as in hot, right?”
No.
CHUCK: So what do you want to know about the D and the D?
Well, I have this thing. I’m not quite sure what it is.
CHUCK: Well, lemme checkity check it out!
Be careful with it. It’s not mine…You know, you’re not exactly what I was expecting.
CHUCK: What? Were you expecting some nerd? Cause I’m no nerd. I got a girlfriend. From New York.
How did you meet someone from New York?
CHUCK: On a little thing I like to call…THE INTERNET! You’ve been on the internet, right?
We have it at work.
CHUCK: It’s the bomb, right? I got it hooked up at my house. Top of the line. I’m talking 56 kilobits per second! Blazing fast! If you ever want to come over and check it out…
I’m good. So about the notebook…
CHUCK: Well, it’s clearly a homespun module.
Clearly. What’s that?
CHUCK: Yo, hold up. Where’d you get this?
It’s my sister’s.
CHUCK: Your sister is Tillius the Paladin?
Who?
CHUCK: Tilly Evans.
You knew her?
CHUCK: Of course I knew her. Every player here in Athens has been on a campaign with her. And she was your sister?
IS my sister.
CHUCK: Oh man, I’m sorry- I didn’t realize-
So can you help me figure out what it all means?
CHUCK: Sure, but- Look, I should tell you something up front now that I know who you are. Nothing can happen between us, okay? I know you were vibing me and all when we first met, but now that I know who you are, it would be disrespectful. Plus you’re like wicked old and that would be creepy.
Okay.
CHUCK: So if you’re cool that-
I’m cool.
CHUCK: Then I can help you. So what do you want to do with this module exactly?
Well, Chuck, it’s a game, right? I want to play it.
MILES: So this is all that’s left to pack?
Yep.
MILES: It’s a lot.
Yep.
MILES: So is this exactly how-
Yep. Exactly the way she left it-
MILES: Your sister was a slob.
She was sixteen.
MILES: She was a sixteen-year-old slob.
Where do I even begin with all this?
MILES: Man, your sister was really into some geeky shit.
Yep.
MILES: You sure you don’t want any help? ‘Cause you know I’m strong, right? Like bull.
You’re also clumsy. Like ass.
MILES: I’m not clumsy.
Should I remind you of my former coffee table?
MILES: It was faulty design.
Thanks for the help, babe, but you should go. I should pack this myself. I’m her sister, it’s part of the job.
MILES: You sure?
Positive.
MILES: Alright then, I’ll just go ahead and start moving some boxes over to OUR new place.
That sounds like a good plan…just don’t drop anything.
MILES: I love you.
I love you too…Now go…Sorry about that. Are you still here? Chuck?
CHUCK: Greetings, Adventurer! I am Chuck Biggs also known as DM Biggs and I will be your Dungeon Master!
You’ll be my what?
CHUCK: SIT!
Okay.
CHUCK: Before you is a game. A game like no other. One written to test your mind, your cunning, and your badassness. There’s also chips and soda for your snacking enjoyment. But lay off the Twizzlers, those are mine. Are. You. Ready?
Um, I guess?
CHUCK: You are standing on the sands of a mystical beachside. To one side of you is the endless ocean, on the other is an ominous dark forest. And from the distance, a hooded stranger approaches.
Okay. Am I supposed to do something here? Like fight it?
CHUCK: Not yet.
But you said a hooded stranger approaches. If a hooded stranger approached me in real life, I would mace him.
CHUCK: You don’t have mace here.
So what do I do?
CHUCK: Just chill. I’m still giving you your given circumstances.
Sorry.
TILLY: Welcome to New Landia, stranger. I am-
Tilly?
TILLY: Tillius actually. The Paladin.
You’re in this game?
TILLY: Of course I am. I made it up, didn’t I?
Tilly-
TILLY: This is a D&D adventure, not therapy.
Sorry.
TILLY: So are you sure you want to do this?
I do. But I don’t know exactly what I’m doing-
TILLY: Of course you don’t. You’re a noob.
But I do WANT to do this, Tilly. I know this all meant a lot to you so I just want to-…Right. “This isn’t therapy.”
TILLY: Okay, big sis. If you really want to play, then let’s play. But first you’re going to have to meet the rest of our party.
What party?
TILLY: First up is Lilith Morningstar. Class: Demon Queen.
What in the hell is she wearing?
TILLY: Next up is Kaliope Darkwalker. Class: Dark Elf.
Seriously, what is it with these clothes?
TILLY: And then there’s-
Pause! CHUCK!
CHUCK: Yeah, what’s up?
What is this?
CHUCK: This is your party.
My party is a leather-clad dominatrix and an Elvin supermodel?
CHUCK: Dude, don’t look at me. This is what your sister wrote.
“Violence makes me hot.”
CHUCK: Okay, so there’s definitely a certain amount of improv involved, but I swear this is the gist of what Tilly created.
This?
CHUCK: Yes. This.
My sister wrote this?
CHUCK: Look, do you want to play the game or not?
Sure, whatever.
CHUCK: Welcome to the Quest for the Lost Soul of Athens. Your mission is to find and free the Lost Soul before it is devoured by the dark forces of darkness forever.
Seriously, you guys are supposed to be a team of badasses?…Okay, nevermind.
LILITH: I said I’d cut down. I’ve only had two this week.
Cut down doing what?
KALIOPE: Eating the flesh of bad guys.
Ew.
KALIOPE: Why are you dressed so strangely?
I’m dressed strangely? You do know you look like a Thundercat, right?
TILLY: Any word on Orcus’s location?
What’s an Orcus?
LILITH: Is this your special skill? Asking questions? Yes, that will come in handy.
What’s your special skill? Being a-
KALIOPE: The entrance to the cave of Orcus is at the next bend. But unfortunately neither Lilith nor I can accompany you for no magical creatures are allowed into his lair unless they risk being entrapped there forever.
Seriously, there has to be more to this outfit, right?
LILITH: You look like you would be delicious with a side of baby.
Okay! So we’re going into a cave, let’s go!
TILLY: Actually, Agnes, before we can go any further. We’re going to have to equip you and build you a character. You can’t just walk around looking like that.
I’m not wearing what she’s wearing.
TILLY: You’re going to at least need a shield.
A shield I can do.
TILLY: So what will be your alignment?
My what?
LILITH: Are you good, lawful, chaotic, unlawful, evil?
I’m a Democrat.