Agnes - SKM First Half Flashcards
1
Q
TILLY: What are you doing?
A
Talking on the phone. What are you doing?
2
Q
TILLY: Trying to re-animate a dead lizard with the power of electricity.
A
Oh, okay…WHAT!?!
3
Q
NARRATOR: As Agnes grew and grew, she became more and more engrossed with transcending her seemingly permanent state of averageness and made one grand wish on the night of her college graduation that she would never forget.
A
I wish my life was less boring!
4
Q
CHUCK: WHOA, WHAT IN THE HADES!
A
Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you-
5
Q
CHUCK: I wasn’t scared. I’m a black belt…in Jedi…jitsu-
A
I’m looking for a Chuck Biggs?
6
Q
CHUCK: You’re looking at him! But my homies just call me simply DM Biggs cause, you know, I’m “big” where it counts.
A
Uh…
7
Q
CHUCK: As in MY BRAIN!
A
Oh!!!
8
Q
CHUCK: Not because I’m fat. Seriously, it really has nothing to do with body mass index, I actually work out…or plan on working out-
A
I get it.
9
Q
CHUCK: So what can I do for you?
A
Someone told me you might know a thing or two about Dungeons and Dragons.
10
Q
CHUCK: Depends if we’re talking first or second edition…PSYCHE! It doesn’t matter which edition cause my D&D IQ is plus three hella high!
A
You’re very odd.
11
Q
CHUCK: “Odd as in hot, right?”
A
No.
12
Q
CHUCK: So what do you want to know about the D and the D?
A
Well, I have this thing. I’m not quite sure what it is.
13
Q
CHUCK: Well, lemme checkity check it out!
A
Be careful with it. It’s not mine…You know, you’re not exactly what I was expecting.
14
Q
CHUCK: What? Were you expecting some nerd? Cause I’m no nerd. I got a girlfriend. From New York.
A
How did you meet someone from New York?
15
Q
CHUCK: On a little thing I like to call…THE INTERNET! You’ve been on the internet, right?
A
We have it at work.
16
Q
CHUCK: It’s the bomb, right? I got it hooked up at my house. Top of the line. I’m talking 56 kilobits per second! Blazing fast! If you ever want to come over and check it out…
A
I’m good. So about the notebook…
17
Q
CHUCK: Well, it’s clearly a homespun module.
A
Clearly. What’s that?
18
Q
CHUCK: Yo, hold up. Where’d you get this?
A
It’s my sister’s.
19
Q
CHUCK: Your sister is Tillius the Paladin?
A
Who?
20
Q
CHUCK: Tilly Evans.
A
You knew her?
21
Q
CHUCK: Of course I knew her. Every player here in Athens has been on a campaign with her. And she was your sister?
A
IS my sister.
22
Q
CHUCK: Oh man, I’m sorry- I didn’t realize-
A
So can you help me figure out what it all means?
23
Q
CHUCK: Sure, but- Look, I should tell you something up front now that I know who you are. Nothing can happen between us, okay? I know you were vibing me and all when we first met, but now that I know who you are, it would be disrespectful. Plus you’re like wicked old and that would be creepy.
A
Okay.
24
Q
CHUCK: So if you’re cool that-
A
I’m cool.
25
CHUCK: Then I can help you. So what do you want to do with this module exactly?
Well, Chuck, it's a game, right? I want to play it.
26
MILES: So this is all that's left to pack?
Yep.
27
MILES: It's a lot.
Yep.
28
MILES: So is this exactly how-
Yep. Exactly the way she left it-
29
MILES: Your sister was a slob.
She was sixteen.
30
MILES: She was a sixteen-year-old slob.
Where do I even begin with all this?
31
MILES: Man, your sister was really into some geeky shit.
Yep.
32
MILES: You sure you don't want any help? 'Cause you know I'm strong, right? Like bull.
You're also clumsy. Like ass.
33
MILES: I'm not clumsy.
Should I remind you of my former coffee table?
34
MILES: It was faulty design.
Thanks for the help, babe, but you should go. I should pack this myself. I'm her sister, it's part of the job.
35
MILES: You sure?
Positive.
36
MILES: Alright then, I'll just go ahead and start moving some boxes over to OUR new place.
That sounds like a good plan...just don't drop anything.
37
MILES: I love you.
I love you too...Now go...Sorry about that. Are you still here? Chuck?
38
CHUCK: Greetings, Adventurer! I am Chuck Biggs also known as DM Biggs and I will be your Dungeon Master!
You'll be my what?
39
CHUCK: SIT!
Okay.
40
CHUCK: Before you is a game. A game like no other. One written to test your mind, your cunning, and your badassness. There's also chips and soda for your snacking enjoyment. But lay off the Twizzlers, those are mine. Are. You. Ready?
Um, I guess?
41
CHUCK: You are standing on the sands of a mystical beachside. To one side of you is the endless ocean, on the other is an ominous dark forest. And from the distance, a hooded stranger approaches.
Okay. Am I supposed to do something here? Like fight it?
42
CHUCK: Not yet.
But you said a hooded stranger approaches. If a hooded stranger approached me in real life, I would mace him.
43
CHUCK: You don't have mace here.
So what do I do?
44
CHUCK: Just chill. I'm still giving you your given circumstances.
Sorry.
45
TILLY: Welcome to New Landia, stranger. I am-
Tilly?
46
TILLY: Tillius actually. The Paladin.
You're in this game?
47
TILLY: Of course I am. I made it up, didn't I?
Tilly-
48
TILLY: This is a D&D adventure, not therapy.
Sorry.
49
TILLY: So are you sure you want to do this?
I do. But I don't know exactly what I'm doing-
50
TILLY: Of course you don't. You're a noob.
But I do WANT to do this, Tilly. I know this all meant a lot to you so I just want to-...Right. "This isn't therapy."
51
TILLY: Okay, big sis. If you really want to play, then let's play. But first you're going to have to meet the rest of our party.
What party?
52
TILLY: First up is Lilith Morningstar. Class: Demon Queen.
What in the hell is she wearing?
53
TILLY: Next up is Kaliope Darkwalker. Class: Dark Elf.
Seriously, what is it with these clothes?
54
TILLY: And then there's-
Pause! CHUCK!
55
CHUCK: Yeah, what's up?
What is this?
56
CHUCK: This is your party.
My party is a leather-clad dominatrix and an Elvin supermodel?
57
CHUCK: Dude, don't look at me. This is what your sister wrote.
"Violence makes me hot."
58
CHUCK: Okay, so there's definitely a certain amount of improv involved, but I swear this is the gist of what Tilly created.
This?
59
CHUCK: Yes. This.
My sister wrote this?
60
CHUCK: Look, do you want to play the game or not?
Sure, whatever.
61
CHUCK: Welcome to the Quest for the Lost Soul of Athens. Your mission is to find and free the Lost Soul before it is devoured by the dark forces of darkness forever.
Seriously, you guys are supposed to be a team of badasses?...Okay, nevermind.
62
LILITH: I said I'd cut down. I've only had two this week.
Cut down doing what?
63
KALIOPE: Eating the flesh of bad guys.
Ew.
64
KALIOPE: Why are you dressed so strangely?
I'm dressed strangely? You do know you look like a Thundercat, right?
65
TILLY: Any word on Orcus's location?
What's an Orcus?
66
LILITH: Is this your special skill? Asking questions? Yes, that will come in handy.
What's your special skill? Being a-
67
KALIOPE: The entrance to the cave of Orcus is at the next bend. But unfortunately neither Lilith nor I can accompany you for no magical creatures are allowed into his lair unless they risk being entrapped there forever.
Seriously, there has to be more to this outfit, right?
68
LILITH: You look like you would be delicious with a side of baby.
Okay! So we're going into a cave, let's go!
69
TILLY: Actually, Agnes, before we can go any further. We're going to have to equip you and build you a character. You can't just walk around looking like that.
I'm not wearing what she's wearing.
70
TILLY: You're going to at least need a shield.
A shield I can do.
71
TILLY: So what will be your alignment?
My what?
72
LILITH: Are you good, lawful, chaotic, unlawful, evil?
I'm a Democrat.
73
KALIOPE: And what will be your weapon?
I guess a sword. A regular sword. Like yours.
74
KALIOPE: And bestowed upon the one who once banished the Tiamat from New Landia.
So I can't have a sword like that one?
75
TILLY, LILITH, KALIOPE: NO!
Fine, I'll just take a regular sword.
76
TILLY: And what will be your name?
Agnes.
77
TILLY: No, what will be your character name?
Agnes.
78
TILLY: Stop being an ass-hat, Agnes.
No, I just want to use my name. Agnes.
79
LILITH: Fine, then it is decided, you are Agnes the Ass-hatted.
That's not what I said.
80
ORCUS: Shhhhhhh!
Um, we're here to fight you.
81
ORCUS: I know what you've come here to do and I'm telling you it's not gonna happen. I'm busy.
This is the Overlord of the Underworld?
82
TILLY: Mine.
What?
83
ORCUS: Oh. Crap. This is a bit awkward.
Wait, you're the lost soul of Athens?
84
TILLY: Oh God.
This isn't good, is it?
85
VERA: Well, you look like shit.
Thanks.
86
VERA: Crazy night with Miles?
Crazy night. Not with Miles.
87
VERA: Well, do tell. Who's the new mystery man?
It's not what you think. I was with a high school kid.
88
VERA: Say what?
We were up all night...Role-playing.
89
VERA: Agnes, you know I'm all for experimentation and extracurricular activities, but maybe you should stick to guys your same age-
JESUS, Vera, we were playing Dungeons and Dragons.
90
VERA: Dungeons and Dragons!?! You know what? I think it was less weird when I thought you were playing Mrs. Robinson.
You're like the worst high school guidance councilor ever.
91
STEVE: Okay.
I stand corrected, you should lead workshops on pedagogy.
92
VERA: And how does Miles feel about Dungeons and Dragons?
You really don't like him, do you?
93
VERA: How long have you guys been together? Three years?
Two...and, um, eighteen months.
94
VERA: See. And all he's done is asked you to move in with him? Please, son, keep your house, show me a ring!
I'm not ready for that.
95
VERA: That's 'cause deep down you know that busted bustah is no good for you.
Can we please change subjects?
96
VERA: So what's up with this game? Is this some sort of dorky quarter-life crisis?
I know it's stupid, but...I'm just curious why Tilly liked it so much.
97
VERA: And?
And I honestly don't see the appeal. It's actually kinda mundane. All we've done so far is walk around and talk to things. I thought there were supposed to be monsters in this game...Vera?...Vera!...Oh crap...What the hell's happening?
98
CHUCK: Three Bugbears are after you.
Three what?
99
CHUCK: Three Bugbears.
What the heck is a Bugbear?
100
CHUCK: What do you do?
What do I do? I don't even know what a Bugbear is? Are they bugs? Are they bears?
101
TILLY: So this game is mundane, huh? All we do is talk and walk? You want more action?
I didn't know things were suddenly going to jump out at us.
102
CHUCK: The first Bugbear strikes.
OW! Wait, don't I get a turn?
103
CHUCK: Which they appreciate. Bugbears aren't used to getting such attention. The second Bugbear strikes.
Don't roll that dice...OW!
104
CHUCK: You've been damaged.
Really? I couldn't tell.
105
CHUCK: What do you do?
I fight back!
106
CHUCK: CRITICAL ROLL! Tillius slays one Bugbear...You however swing-
OW!!!
107
CHUCK: -and miss.
What? Look at those things! How do I miss that?
108
CHUCK: The Bugbear strikes again.
No, no, wait!
109
CHUCK: They miss.
Okay, let me think.
110
CHUCK: You take a turn to think.
No, I don't-
111
CHUCK: The other Bugbear strikes.
Come on!
112
TILLY: Your character is dying, Agnes. What do you want to do?
What can I do?
113
TILLY: Start playing this game correctly.
What? How?
114
TILLY: Stop acting like a sarcastic ogre all the damn time and I'll help you. Can you do that?
...
115
TILLY: Agnes?
Yes. Yes, I can do that.
116
TILLY: You promise?
Yes, I promise...What are you doing?
117
CHUCK: You've defeated the Bugbears! Agnes levels up! Gains plus one in being less of a dumbass!
Wait, is that really a stat?
118
ORCUS: Inconsequential? Have you seen Quantum Leap? The dude time travels...through time...by leaping INTO different bodies. Different BODIES, yo! And putting things right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.
That actually does sound interesting.
119
LILITH: What?
Question. What's The Tiamat?
120
KALIOPE: She is a five-headed dragon that has laid waste to generations of adventurers and civilizations since the dawn. Each of her heads embodies the five different elemental powers of the chromatic dragons-earth, fire, water, wind, and lightning. Many adventurers have fought her. All have died. All except for one...
You fought that?
121
TILLY: Yes.
That's-
122
ORCUS: No, I know who you are. You and me, we hang in the same evil underworld. And I don't think your daddy's gonna be too happy you're making time with a Paladin and a human.
Who's her dad?
123
KALIOPE: The devil.
That explains a lot.
124
LILITH: Look, please don't tell him, okay? He'll kill me!
Wow, suddenly you don't seem so tough.
125
ORCUS: Behold my comically large map of New Landia. This is the path you will have to take if you want to face The Tiamat. You must first travel down the River of Wetness to the Swamps of Mushy-
The names of these locations are terrible.
126
TILLY: I was going to go back and give them better names later, but-you know-I sorta died before I could get to it.
Sorry.
127
ORCUS: Then you will climb the Mountain of Steepness to the Castle of Evil where you will find the Tiamat.
Seems simple enough.
128
ORCUS: But to be able to face The Tiamat, you will have to face and defeat all three of its guardians, the Big Bosses of New Landia.
That's less simple.
129
KALIOPE: What about you, Agnes the Ass-hatted? What say you?
Of course I'm in.
130
FARRAH: Now get out of my magically enchanted forest before I decide to go all Faerie berserker all over your ugly asses.
Hey, I thought fairies were supposed to be nice.
131
FARRAH: Nice? Yo, do I sound Canadian to you? Ain't no one here gonna be nice all the damn time. Faeries are happy. HAP-PY. No one said nice. And I'm brimming like mad with some magical happiness. And guess what makes me happiest? Kicking the crap out of any lame-ass adventurers who decide to trespass on my magically enchanted forest!
Look, maybe we should just take the long way around to the mountain?
132
FARRAH: Whoa! Hold up. You're going to the mountain? As in the Mountain of steepness?
As a matter of fact, yes.
133
FARRAH: Yo, I didn't know all that. You shoulda said something.
We should've?
134
FARRAH: Man, sorry, I didn't realize all that-
So are we cool?
135
FARRAH: Yeah, if I'd known all that, I woulda just killed ya right away instead of wasting my breath talking to ya.
Um, say what?
136
FARRAH: Yeah, and me and my wee butt is gonna kill the crap out of you guys!
Seriously, what could she possibly do?
137
LILITH: We need magic. Real magic.
Wait. What magic?
138
FARRAH: Oh shit.
Aw gross.
139
MILES: Alright, I'm gonna break you in half, you son of a-
Hey Chuck, sorry I'm late but check out what I found! I think they'll help me stay in character...
140
MILES: Hey.
Oh, hi.
141
MILES: Um...I think I should go.
Why?
142
MILES: You're clearly busy.
Oh God, you know about this now, don't you?
143
MILES: Yeah, I'd say so.
You don't think I'm a dork now, do you?
144
CHUCK: I mean if you're comfortable. You could watch us for a bit and once you get a hang of it, just jump right in. I'll be easy on ya.
Yeah, Chuck can be pretty rough.
145
MILES: I'm gonna have to...bye.
I'll call ya later?
146
CHUCK: Oooh, nice gloves!
Tilly! Tilly, where are you? Check it out, I got myself some cool...Whoa, what the hell???
147
TILLY: Oh, hey there, Agnes. Nice gloves.
What were you two doing?
148
TILLY: I was, uh...kissing my girlfriend.
Whoa! Wait just a minute! You two are a couple?
149
LILITH: Does this upset you, lunch meat?
It upsets me that you don't know how to put on all your clothes.
150
LILITH: I'd advise not talking to me in such a tone.
And I'd advise wearing a complete shirt next time you're MAKING OUT WITH MY SISTER! Oh, wait just a minute, I get it. You two are dating because "Tillius" is a guy character.
151
TILLY: Tillius isn't a guy character.
Tillius is a guy's name.
152
TILLY: No. Tillius is a D&D name. I'm female, she's female, and we're lovers.
So your character's gay?
153
ORCUS: I'm down with OPP...as in penis. Not the other P. Ew.
Wait, the big slacker demon is gay?
154
KALIOPE: As is everyone in New Landia. Well, everyone except for you, Agnes the Ass-hatted.
Why is that?
155
KALIOPE: Well, maybe it's because you haven't met the right girl yet.
NO, that's not what I meant. I mean, why is everyone here gay?
156
KALIOPE: Because it was the will of the creator.
The will of the creator?
157
TILLY: Does that bother you, Agnes?
Tilly, why'd you make everyone gay?
158
TILLY: Um, I don't know. If I were to take an educated guess, I'd venture to guess that maybe the author of this world was into wearing tanktops and The Indigo Girls.
No.
159
TILLY: Yes.
Noooo.
160
TILLY: Yeeees.
NO! Wait. I need a time-out.
161
TILLY: Wow, I never took you for a homophobe.
I'm not a homophobe!
162
TILLY: That's not what it looks like to me.
I watch "The Real World," I listen to Madonna, there's no way I'm anti-gay.
163
TILLY: Then what's with the denial?
What's with not giving your girlfriend a full costume?
164
TILLY: She's a she-devil.
She's dirty.
165
TILLY: I didn't think this would upset you like it does.
I thought I knew you, Tilly. At least good enough to know whether you dug boys or girls at this point in your life.
166
TILLY: You were busy.
Not too busy to know this! Tilly, this is bullshit. I'm your sister. I shouldn't have to learn about you through a role-playing game.
167
TILLY: At least you're getting to learn something about me.
...
168
TILLY: We should get back on the road. Are you coming?
Fine.
169
TILLY: Lilith! Kaliope! Orcus! Where are they?
Oh, it looks like they're over there, taking a nap.
170
TILLY: Elves and demons don't sleep.
They don't? So I guess them being unconscious would be a bad thing, right?
171
TILLY: Oh crap.
What?
172
TILLY: Succubus!
Suck you what?
173
TILLY: Succubus. Demon girls from the demon world who like to do demonic things like sucking.
Are they a boss?
174
TILLY: No. They're just really mean.
So do we fight them?
175
TILLY: I'm not lying?
Hey, what do you two think you're doing?...Ah!
176
EVIL TINA: I don't understand "uh." I don't speak "uh."
Owwww!
177
EVIL TINA: Again with the "uh's"!
Owwww!
178
TILLY: Uh-
OWWW!
179
EVIL GABBI: Oh God, you two are so gross.
And you two are going to die!
180
EVIL TINA: See you around. Lesbians.
Are you okay?
