Aftermath Conversation

Question 1

What is the goal of the aftermath of a fight exercise?

Answer 1

To gain greater understanding by addressing the process and how the issue was talked about without getting back into the fight.

Question 2

When should you start this exercise?

Answer 2

When both partners are calm and emotionally distant from the incident.

Question 3

How should you approach your partner’s perception during this exercise?

Answer 3

Assume each partner’s reality has validity; focus on perception, not ‘the facts.’

Question 4

What should you share in Step 1: Feelings?

Answer 4

Share how you felt without explaining why or commenting on your partner’s feelings.

Question 5

List examples of feelings you might share in Step 1.

Answer 5

Defensive, not listened to, hurt, angry, unloved, misunderstood, criticized, worried, unsafe, frustrated, ashamed, abandoned, etc.

Question 6

How should you describe your reality in Step 2: Realities?

Answer 6

Take turns describing your perception like a reporter, focusing on your own experience without blaming or attacking your partner.

Question 7

How do you validate your partner’s reality in Step 2?

Answer 7

Summarize and say, ‘It makes sense to me how you saw this and what your needs were.’ Validation does not mean agreement.

Question 8

What should you ask after summarizing your partner’s reality?

Answer 8

‘Did I get it?’ and ‘Is there anything else?’

Question 9

What should you share about your triggers in Step 3?

Answer 9

Explain experiences or memories that might have escalated the interaction and why they are triggers for you.

Question 10

Why is it important to share the stories behind your triggers?

Answer 10

It helps your partner understand your vulnerabilities and become more sensitive to you.

Question 11

List examples of common triggers in Step 3.

Answer 11

Feeling judged, excluded, criticized, flooded, ashamed, lonely, belittled, disrespected, powerless, or out of control.

Question 12

What should you acknowledge in Step 4: Responsibility?

Answer 12

Your role in contributing to the fight or regrettable incident.

Question 13

What might have set you up for the miscommunication?

Answer 13

Examples: feeling stressed, taking your partner for granted, being overly sensitive or critical, turning away, not being emotionally available, etc.

Question 14

What do you need to express regret for in Step 4?

Answer 14

Examples: overreacting, being grumpy, attacking, not listening, being disrespectful, or being unreasonable.

Question 15

What should you do after apologizing?

Answer 15

If your partner accepts, move on. If not, ask what they still need.

Question 16

What should you share to make future discussions better in Step 5: Constructive Plans?

Answer 16

One thing your partner can do differently and one thing you can do differently.

Question 17

What should you focus on when creating constructive plans?

Answer 17

Stay calm and be as agreeable as possible to each other’s suggestions.

Question 18

What are the Four Horsemen in communication?

Answer 18

Criticism, Contempt , Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Question 19

What are the antidotes to the Four Horsemen?

Answer 19

1. Criticism: Use a gentle start-up. 2. Contempt: Describe your own feelings and needs. Avoid describing your partner. 3. Defensiveness: Take responsibility. 4. Stonewalling: Practice physiological self-soothing.