12: Understanding Financial Infidelity Flashcards
Definition of Infidelity
A breach in relational trust, based on both implicit and explicit intimate relationship expectations. It can also be conceptualized as an interpersonal trauma that creates cognitive, behavioral, and emotional disequilibrium. Another definition is the keeping of secrets in an intimate relationship.
Prevalence Rates of Infidelity in American Marriages
Range from 20% to 40%. The wide range is partly due to the variety of definitions of infidelity.
Potential Elements of Infidelity
- Tentative flirt
- Mutual touching and fondling
- Kissing a stranger
- Written communication over internet/SMS
- Meeting another person (walks, dinner, etc.)
- Accidental intercourse
- Parallel relationship
- Contact with ex without sex
- Sleeping over at a friend’s house
- Forced intercourse under threat
- Watching porn movies
- Repeated infidelity
Three Stages of Addressing an Affair
- 1. Dealing with Impact: Assessment, Boundary Setting, Self-Care and affect regulation, Exploring Impact, Coping with flashbacks
- 2. Finding Meaning: Exploration of contributing factors, Relationship work
- 3. Moving On: Summary and formulation, Examination of forgiveness, Exploration of factors affecting the decision to continue, Additional relationship work or preparation for termination
Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy
Privacy allows for the freedom to make decisions and have personal thoughts without them being called into question. Secrecy is the intentional withholding of information that if disclosed would evoke high (hyper) or (low) hypo emotions in the intimate partner, potentially creating a sense of threat.
Definition of Financial Infidelity
The intentional withholding of information about finances from an intimate partner where disclosure would likely create emotional distress or a sense of threat. It involves secrecy rather than mere privacy in financial matters.
Small Indiscretions as Financial Infidelity
- Hiding cash
- Minor purchases
- Unpaid bills
- Hiding income/bonuses
Secret Accounts as Financial Infidelity
- Credit Cards
- Checking/Saving Accounts
- Investments
- Business Accounts
Use of Money to Benefit Others as Financial Infidelity
Giving money to another person or institution without the intimate partner’s knowledge.
Criminal Activity as Financial Infidelity
- Tax evasion
- Identity theft
- Illicit business operations where the partner is unaware
Family Systems Issues as Financial Infidelity
Financial arrangements between family members (loans, inheritances, business arrangements, gifts, trips) that if known would materially impact other family relationships and violate trust.
Prevalence of Secret Savings Accounts
A 2005 survey found that 40% of women and 37% of men keep secret savings accounts.
Most Common Item Hidden from Spouse (Financially)
Cash.
Hidden Purchases by Gender (as Financial Infidelity)
- Men hide electronics (16%) and entertainment (20%)
- Women hide clothing (23%) and food (19%)
Impact of Financial Infidelity (Harris Interactive Poll)
One third of Americans have committed financial infidelity. 67% had strong frequent arguments about money, 42% said it breaks trust, 16% led to divorce, 11% caused separation.
Potential Signs of Financial Infidelity
- Control access to household money
- Control all financial decisions and signatures
- Partner has to account for all expenditures with anger for unexplained expenses
- Never satisfied with lifestyle
- Obsessed with partner spending
- Lies to conceal income
- Hiding purchases
- Unexpected communication from financial institutions/stores
- Avoidance of talking about finances
Characteristics of Financial Intimacy (The Opposite of Financial Infidelity)
- Marked by trust
- Open dialogue about positive and negative money experiences
- Willingness to acknowledge violations of financial trust
- Actively seeks to restore violated financial position
- Vulnerability about money-related fears/anxieties/shame
- Privacy is permissible, but secrecy is not
- Direct communication about financial arrangements
- Proactive discussions about financial decisions
Treatment Considerations for Financial Infidelity
- Calculate the cost (physical & emotional)
- Examine power dynamics
- Separate self from the past
- Detachment from emotions around money
- Redefining the relationship
- Reorganizing priorities
- Maintaining the relationship regarding the future
Role of Certified Financial Therapist-I™ (CFT-I™) - Responsibility To Client
- Create a safe and empathic place
- Know limits of confidentiality (high likelihood of secrets)
- Recognize the range of definitions of infidelity
- Awareness that multiple expressions may occur simultaneously
Role of CFT-I™ - Staying Within Scope of Practice for Financial Professionals
- Limited therapeutic responsibility
- Refer to qualified mental health professionals for relational and emotional distress related to infidelity
- Recognize implications for financial planning progression until trauma is addressed
Role of CFT-I™ - Staying Within Scope of Practice for Mental Health Professionals
- Address emotional and relational distress related to infidelity and financial infidelity
- Partner with financial planners, attorneys, accountants, and forensic accountants to address objective financial realities
- Know that there are financial and legal implications outside current knowledge
Role of CFT-I™ - Responsibility to Self of the Financial Therapist
- Seek therapeutic care for personal experiences of infidelity and financial infidelity
- Examine personal biases regarding money and secrecy
- Explore personal financial secrecy (current/historical) and its impact on relationships.
Define infidelity in relationship contexts.
Infidelity is a breach in relational trust, based on both implicit and explicit intimate relationship expectations. It can be conceptualized as an interpersonal trauma that creates cognitive, behavioral, and emotional disequilibrium.
Why is context important when defining infidelity?
Context matters because:
* Different relationships have different arrangements and boundaries
* Social and cultural influences affect what is considered infidelity
* There are diverse and complex relationship arrangements
* What qualifies as infidelity in one relationship may not in another
* Both implicit and explicit relationship expectations vary widely
Describe infidelity as an ‘interpersonal trauma.’
As an interpersonal trauma, infidelity:
* Creates cognitive disequilibrium (confusing thought patterns)
* Causes emotional disequilibrium (heightened or depressed emotional states)
* Disrupts behavioral patterns and responses
* Violates attachment security
* Damages one’s ability to trust both the partner and one’s own judgment
How does secrecy relate to the concept of infidelity?
Infidelity can be understood as the keeping of secrets in an intimate relationship. The act of intentionally concealing information from a partner that would affect the relationship constitutes a breach of trust that defines infidelity.
What is the estimated prevalence range of infidelity in American marriages?
Research indicates that prevalence rates for infidelity in American marriages range from 20% to 40%.
Why is there such a wide range in the reported prevalence of infidelity?
The wide range exists due to:
* Varying definitions of what constitutes infidelity
* Different research methodologies
* Underreporting due to social desirability bias
* Whether studies include one-time events or only ongoing affairs
* Differences in how emotional versus physical infidelity is classified
List five potential elements or expressions of infidelity, ranging from seemingly minor to severe.
Elements of infidelity can include:
* Tentative flirting
* Written communication over internet or text messaging
* Emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship
* Physical intimacy like kissing or touching
* Sexual relations outside the relationship
How can infidelity vary in its expression or occurrence?
Infidelity can range from:
* A single, one-time event
* Multiple, recurring instances
* Emotional connections without physical involvement
* Physical involvement without emotional connection
* Both emotional and physical connections outside the primary relationship
What are the three stages of addressing an affair according to Gurman?
- Dealing with Impact
- Finding Meaning
- Moving On
What key elements are involved in the ‘Dealing with Impact’ stage?
The ‘Dealing with Impact’ stage includes:
* Assessment
* Boundary setting
* Self-care and affect regulation
* Exploring the impact of the affair
* Coping with flashbacks
What does the ‘Finding Meaning’ stage involve?
The ‘Finding Meaning’ stage involves:
* Exploration of factors contributing to the affair
* Relationship work
* Understanding the context that allowed the infidelity to occur
* Processing emotions and experiences related to the infidelity
What does the ‘Moving On’ stage include?
The ‘Moving On’ stage includes:
* Summary and formulation of the affair
* Examination of forgiveness and related concepts
* Exploration of factors affecting the decision whether to continue the relationship
* Additional relationship work or preparation for termination of the relationship
Distinguish between privacy and secrecy in relationships.
Privacy allows for the freedom to make decisions and have personal thoughts without them being called into question. Secrecy is the intentional withholding of information that, if disclosed, would evoke strong emotional reactions (high or low) in the intimate partner and create a sense of threat to the relationship.
How can privacy evolve into secrecy and ultimately financial infidelity?
Privacy can evolve into secrecy when:
* A decision to avoid addressing difficult topics extends over time
* Information that would cause relationship distress is deliberately withheld
* Initial protective behaviors become patterns of deception
* Small omissions grow into significant hidden information
* The partner begins to lie when directly questioned about the matter
What role do psychological defense mechanisms play in financial secrecy?
Psychological defense mechanisms can:
* Prevent a person from acknowledging their own financial problems
* Make it difficult to tolerate the stress of addressing financial needs
* Lead to denial about financial realities
* Protect the person from seeing the financial reality they’ve created
* Make it challenging to take personal responsibility for financial behaviors
Give an example of how privacy can shift to secrecy in a financial context.
Example: A husband knows his wife has anxiety about changes in business income, so he decides not to talk about recent financial troubles. As time passes, he accumulates debt but cannot recover financially. Six months later, when his wife discovers the situation, she is furious because she had regularly asked if things were financially okay, and he had repeatedly assured her everything was fine.
List four general categories of financial infidelity.
- Financial indiscretions (hiding cash, purchases, bills, income)
- Secret accounts (credit cards, checking/savings, investments, business accounts)
- Using money to benefit another person/institution without partner’s knowledge
- Criminal financial activity (tax evasion, identity theft, illicit business operations)
What are examples of ‘small indiscretions’ in financial infidelity?
Small indiscretions can include:
* Hiding cash
* Concealing minor purchases
* Not disclosing unpaid bills
* Hiding income or bonuses
* Minimizing the cost of purchases when discussed
Name five types of ‘secret accounts’ that might be involved in financial infidelity.
Secret accounts can include:
* Credit cards
* Checking accounts
* Savings accounts
* Investment accounts
* Business accounts or loans
How might business ownership create opportunities for financial infidelity?
Business ownership can facilitate financial infidelity through:
* Business accounts the non-employed spouse doesn’t have access to
* Ability to hide or under-report income levels
* Using business funds for personal expenses that the spouse is unaware of
* Taking business loans without the spouse’s knowledge
* Maintaining separate financial systems that are less transparent
How might financial infidelity intersect with sexual or emotional infidelity?
Financial and other forms of infidelity can intersect when:
* Money is used to support an adulterous relationship
* Financial resources that should go to the family are diverted to another relationship
* Multiple layers of betrayal occur simultaneously (sexual, emotional, and financial)
* Expenses related to the affair are hidden from the partner
* Financial accounts or assets are used to conceal evidence of the affair
According to research, what percentage of investors keep secret savings accounts from their partners?
Research found that 40% of women and 37% of men keep secret savings accounts.
What was indicated as the number one item hidden from spouses?
Cash was indicated as the number one item hidden from spouses.
What types of purchases do men and women typically hide from each other?
Research found that:
* 16% of men hide electronics purchases
* 20% of men hide entertainment purchases
* 23% of women hide clothing purchases
* 19% of women hide food purchases
According to a Harris Interactive Poll, what percentage of Americans have committed financial infidelity?
The poll found that one-third (33%) of Americans have committed financial infidelity.
What did the Harris Interactive Poll reveal about the consequences of financial infidelity?
The poll revealed that:
* 67% said it led to strong, frequent arguments about money
* 42% said it breaks trust in relationships
* 16% said it led to divorce
* 11% said it caused separation due to financial infidelity
List five warning signs of potential financial infidelity.
Warning signs include:
* Controlling access to household money
* Controlling all financial decisions and signatures on accounts
* Requiring excessive accounting for expenditures
* Perpetual dissatisfaction with lifestyle despite apparent affluence
* Obsessive concern about partner’s spending
What behavioral signs might indicate financial infidelity?
Behavioral signs include:
* Hiding purchases in the closet, car, or at a friend/relative’s house
* Lying to conceal financial income
* Becoming defensive when financial topics arise
* Avoidance of talking about current financial situation
* Significant changes in spending patterns without explanation
What communication signals might suggest financial infidelity?
Communication signals include:
* Unexpected correspondence from unknown financial institutions or stores
* Avoidance of talking about the current status of financial situation
* Changing the subject when finances are discussed
* Becoming angry or defensive when financial questions are asked
* Providing vague or inconsistent answers about financial matters
How might controlling behaviors relate to financial infidelity?
Controlling behaviors can indicate financial infidelity when someone:
* Controls access to household money and financial information
* Makes all financial decisions without input
* Requires their partner to account for all expenditures
* Gets angry about unexplained expenses while potentially hiding their own
* Controls signatures on accounts to limit the partner’s access or awareness
Define financial intimacy as the opposite of financial infidelity.
Financial intimacy is marked by trust, open dialogue about both positive and negative experiences related to money, willingness to acknowledge violations of financial trust, active restoration of violated financial positions, vulnerability about fears and anxieties related to money, permissible privacy but not secrecy, direct communication between parties, and proactive discussions about financial decisions.
What role does trust play in financial intimacy?
In financial intimacy, trust allows for:
* Openness and security to be vulnerable about financial matters
* The ability to acknowledge mistakes without fear of severe judgment
* Sharing concerns about financial troubles without threat
* Working together to resolve financial issues
* Confidence that both partners are being transparent about finances
How does financial intimacy address hopes and aspirations?
Financial intimacy creates space for:
* Sharing one’s financial hopes, dreams, and aspirations
* Supporting each other’s financial goals
* Acknowledging each partner’s vision for the future
* Discussing how money can help achieve shared and individual goals
* Building optimism and planning for the future together
What is the difference between privacy and secrecy in the context of financial intimacy?
In financial intimacy:
* Privacy is permissible (personal space and autonomy in some financial decisions)
* Secrecy is not acceptable (intentionally hiding information that would affect the relationship)
* Privacy respects boundaries while maintaining transparency
* Secrecy involves deception and undermines trust
* Privacy is consensual; secrecy is unilateral
List three key considerations when treating financial infidelity.
Key treatment considerations include:
* Calculating the cost of the infidelity (both physical and emotional)
* Examining power dynamics in the relationship
* Helping partners separate themselves from the past
* Facilitating detachment from emotions around money
* Assisting in redefining the relationship
What is the importance of examining power dynamics in addressing financial infidelity?
Examining power dynamics is important because:
* Financial infidelity often involves imbalances of power and control
* Understanding these dynamics helps address the root causes
* Equal power is necessary for rebuilding financial intimacy
* Power imbalances may need to be corrected for healing to occur
* Awareness of power dynamics helps prevent future financial infidelity
How might a therapist help clients ‘detach from emotions around money’ after financial infidelity?
A therapist might help by:
* Creating space to identify and name emotions triggered by financial discussions
* Teaching emotion regulation techniques for financial conversations
* Separating current financial decisions from past trauma
* Helping clients recognize when emotions are clouding financial judgment
* Facilitating calm, rational financial communication between partners
What is involved in ‘redefining the relationship’ after financial infidelity?
Redefining the relationship involves:
* Establishing new agreements about financial transparency
* Creating shared financial goals and values
* Implementing systems that support trust and accountability
* Developing new patterns of financial communication
* Building a new financial foundation based on openness and collaboration
What are four responsibilities of a Certified Financial Therapist Level I to clients experiencing financial infidelity?
Responsibilities include:
* Creating a safe and empathic environment
* Knowing the limits of confidentiality when exposed to secrets
* Recognizing the range of definitions of infidelity
* Being aware that multiple expressions of infidelity may occur simultaneously
What scope-of-practice considerations should financial professionals be aware of when dealing with financial infidelity?
Financial professionals should be aware that:
* They have limited therapeutic responsibility
* They should refer to qualified mental health professionals for trauma and betrayal issues
* The progression of financial planning may be slow until infidelity trauma is addressed
* They occupy a unique position to detect financial inconsistencies that might indicate infidelity
What scope-of-practice considerations should mental health professionals be aware of when dealing with financial infidelity?
Mental health professionals should:
* Address emotional and relational distress related to financial infidelity
* Partner with financial planners, attorneys, and accountants to address objective financial realities
* Be aware of financial and legal implications outside their knowledge area
* Recognize when forensic accounting or specialized financial expertise is needed
What personal responsibilities do financial therapists have regarding their own experiences with infidelity?
Financial therapists should:
* Seek therapeutic care for personal experiences of infidelity and financial infidelity
* Examine personal biases regarding money secrecy
* Explore places of personal financial secrecy (current or historical) and their impact on relationships
* Work through emotional pain and thought processes related to infidelity experiences to avoid projecting onto clients
How might family systems be involved in financial infidelity?
Family systems can be involved when:
* Financial arrangements between family members are kept secret from others
* These arrangements would materially impact other family relationships if known
* Secret loans, inheritances, business arrangements
What personal biases should be examined regarding money secrecy?
Personal biases regarding money secrecy include attitudes and beliefs about financial transparency and privacy.
What are some places of personal financial secrecy that can impact relationships?
Places of personal financial secrecy include current or historical locations where confidential financial arrangements were made.
What emotional processes should be worked through related to infidelity experiences?
Emotional pain and thought processes related to infidelity experiences should be addressed to avoid projecting onto clients.
How might family systems be involved in financial infidelity?
Family systems can be involved when:
* Financial arrangements between family members are kept secret
* These arrangements materially impact other family relationships if known
* Secret loans, inheritances, business arrangements occur between family members
* Financial support is uneven among family members
* Financial decisions violate family expectations or understandings
Give an example of financial infidelity in a family system context.
Example: A father-in-law loans money to a son-in-law for his business, which would upset the daughters if they knew due to trust issues regarding repayment.
How might historical factors influence a person’s tendency toward financial secrecy?
Historical factors might include:
* Growing up in financial insecurity leading to protective behaviors
* Previous relationships where financial transparency led to harm
* Family patterns of financial secrecy
* Experiences of financial abuse or control
* Cultural or generational attitudes toward financial privacy
How might financial infidelity intersect with evolving relationship expectations?
Financial infidelity can occur when:
* A couple’s financial needs change over time but communication doesn’t adapt
* Initial financial rules aren’t updated
* One partner evolves their financial perspective while the other doesn’t
* Developmental stages create new financial priorities
* External factors change financial realities but the couple doesn’t adjust
Provide an example of how developmental changes in a relationship can lead to financial infidelity.
Example: A couple in their 20s prioritizes spending for enjoyment, but by their 40s, they need to save. If one partner continues old spending patterns secretly, it creates a gap between shared goals and actual behavior.
