10 Common relationship schemas

Question 1

What are the 10 relationship schemas

Answer 1

Abandonment/Instability
Mistrust/Abuse
Emotional Deprivation
Defectivness/shame
Social isolation/alienation
Dependance
Failure
Entitlement/grandiosity
Self sacrifice/subjugation
Unrelenting standards

Question 2

Describe A/I schema

Answer 2

Individuals with an abandonment/instability schema have a core belief that others are to unstable or unreliable to consistently be there for them. They fear that they can’t count on others, that people are to unpredictable and will ultimately leave. Believe that they are likely to get abandoned and rejected in relationships. False moves can lead to the relationship ending. Attracted to cold and distant partners incl subjugation (and tend to feel insulted) or E/G schema

Question 3

Describe M/A schema

Answer 3

People with a mistrust/abuse schema believe that others are untrustworthy and will intentionally hurt or damage them. Expectation that others will lie,deceive or take advantage of them, Theyu may set up tests for partner to prove that he or she is trustworthy. Suspicious of others agendas and motives, they fear being manipulated or deceived by others. Attracted to partners who are either untrustworthy or who seek approval and who take responsibility for the mistrust in the relationship. E/G, Failure, D/S S/S

Question 4

Describe emotional deprivation schema

Answer 4

Expect to be disappointed and deprived by others. Believe that others will never be able to mee their needs or satisfy them. Fear that partner will never be able to supply them with the understanding, attention, attunement, validation or support that they truly need. Feel that something is constantly missing from relationship. Often feel lonely and disconnected from their partner. Difficult to allow others to take care of them. Attracted to partners who are cold and distant and unable to meet their needs which fuels feelings of deprivation and resentment. E/G, Subjugation, D/S

Question 5

Describe a D/S schema

Answer 5

Those with a defectivness/shame schema believe that he or she is somehow defective, inferior or unloveable. COre belief that something is fundamentally wrong with them. Constructed a story that they are broken, defective or deeply flawed. Know one would really love them if they really knew them. Fear being exposed, if anyone really got to know them their true self would be exposed as unloveable and unacceptable. Attracted to partners who are rejecting or critical and have unrelenting standards schema. M/A , or emotional deprivation

Question 6

Describe a Social isolation/alienation schema

Answer 6

Believe they dont fit in and dont belong with anyone. Struggle with a sense of being alone while together. Being unseen and misunderstood. Core pain is that one is different from others and doesn’t belong. Attracted to partners with D/S, emotional deprivation, M/A who have difficulty validation different perspectives.

Question 7

Describe a dependence schema

Answer 7

Believe that they are reliant on partner and wouldn’t get be able to get by alone. Need partner for emotional survival and that they would not be able to take care of partner outside the relationship. Tend to struggle with trusting their own judgement and intuition about what they need or what actions to take. Doubt themselves and their decisions and overly rely on other peoples feedback. Seek partners who are independent, take the lead, and make decisions for them. These are individuals with I/G or unrelenting standards schema

Question 8

Describe a failure schema

Answer 8

Have a fear of failing and a persistent and pervasive believe that they are not good enough, that they are inadequate and that they will disappoint and fail their partner. Worry that they will inevitably let their partner down. Don’t trust that they can succeed. Choose partners who expect them to fail incl those with emotional deprivation schema or unrelenting standards schema.

Question 9

Describe an E/G schema

Answer 9

Feel engulfed or trapped in relationships. Get overwhelmed or frustrated by their partners emotional needs. Core belief is that their needs come first. They feel they deserve to have their needs and shouldn’t have to accommodate others. Feel they are special and not bound by principles of reciprocity. They experience their partners needs as an exposition and an inconvenience. They have difficulty taking the other person perspective. Insist that should be able to do and say what they want regardless of the impact on the partner. Attracted to partners who acquiesce to their needs.

Question 10

Describe a Self sacrifice/ subjugation schema

Answer 10

People with these related schemas place an excessive focus on meeting other peoples needs at the expense of their own, Difference between those with S/S and those with subjugation schema is that this with S/S schema experience themselves as making voluntary choices and surrender to others needs to avoid guilt or feeling selfish. They end up feeling deprived, resentful and angry in relationship as a result of giving so much. while those with subjugation schema experience themselves as being under the control of other people, they surrender to others needs out of fear of rejection or retaliation. Attracted to partners who demand much and are self absorbed.

Question 11

Describe a unrelenting standards schema

Answer 11

Set very high stand for themselves and others. Difficulty feeling satisfied. Get overly critical of own behaviors and accomplishments as well as others. Core belief is that they have to be perfect. Hard to accept their own or other shortcomings or limitations. Focus on mistakes, flaws and imperfections. Which leads to chronic dissatisfaction. Attracted to partners who have difficulty meeting their standards, incl those with failure schema, or defective, shame schema

Question 12

What do we long for and fear as partners

Answer 12

Because both long for intimacy and fear it, we are drawn into a dance of both moving toward connection while at times running away in order to protect ourselves. We long to merge and be seen and accepted by our partner, while we also fear being rejected, abandoned, engulfed and judged. Learning to observe an face the inevitable pain of intimacy, without using relationship destroying strategies is our focus.

Question 13

Define a schema

Answer 13

The mind is wired to create stories, to make meaning, and to build connections between events Schemas are stories developed about the self and about relationships. They are a neural network of relational frames that forms the basis of expectations, fears, and predications across human encounters. A schema thus provides a cognitive structure to explain interpersonal events and develop predications about likely future events.

Question 14

What are the three questions schemas help answer for couples

Answer 14

1. What is happening between us?
2. Why is it happening?
3. What will happen next?

In other words they have survival value, they explain and help define threats, Plus they function as tea leaves to forecast future threats, and they help partners formulate a self protective response. (Schema avoidance behaviors)

Question 15

What is the problem with schemas

Answer 15

The are products of the mind and not reality. They are often have negative bias, are associated with significant emotional pain, and tend to trigger destructive avoidance strategies. For example a partner with a abandonment schema may interpret a small critical remark as rejection and potential abandonment. Or may feel afraid and engage in emotion avoidance behavior such as withdrawing or clinging.

Question 16

What is the object of ACT-based couple therapy

Answer 16

Recognize the maladaptive patterns
It’s not to change or challenge the veracity of schemas, rather to help identify schemas and beliefs when they arise. See the maladaptive avoidance behaviors and use ACT processes to support alternative values based responses. Identifying these larger schemas and patterns ultimately helps clients observe schema driven thoughts and emotions and not act on them

Question 17

What are the goals of ACT based couples therapy i.e. why do we want to do schema formulation work

Answer 17

1. To develop behavioral flexibility in the face of pain. (Logo therapy!)
2. Helps distinguish primary (unavoidable) pain from secondary pain caused by avoidance behaviors. For couples avoidance behaviors designed to protect from the primary pain of schema driven thoughts and feelings creates secondary pain like alienation, loss of intimacy, hostility, hurt, aloneness, and relational despair.
3. Schema formulation clearly establishes a focus for treatment. The ACT processes of mindfulness, exposure and defusion, all target the avoidance of primary pain-schema driven thoughts and affect- as opposed to secondary pain ( the alienation, hurt and hostility that results from maladaptive avoidance)
4. It helps the clinician better recognize and describe the schema avoidance behaviors that occur in session. Better identify the interpersonal processes as they show up and have language to describe them. Helps predict what avoidance behaviors are likely to show up. E.g couples with mistrust/abuse schemas tend to behave accusationally. Self sacrifice schemas tend to give in or surrender. Entitlement schemas tend to get angry and make unilateral decisions.

Question 18

How does the mutual activation of schemas, and each partners response, continue to maintain the negative cycle

Answer 18

1. Negative interpersonal schemas are part of the basic weave of human consciousness
2. Schema pain drives partners into pain avoidance strategies, which backfire, instead of relief they sow seeds of hurt and disenchantment.
3. Schema coping behaviors (EA) are aversive, reduce mutual reinforcement, reduce the ability to problem solve, are toxic. SCB , by using strategies that are hurtful or manipulative, are designed to pressure a partner to stop schema triggering behaviors, but make the relationship worse.
4. As neg experiences increase between partners, the relationship is less positively reinforcing and yields fewer agreements.
5. SCB are the target of treatment

Question 19

What do we do with schema pain?

Answer 19

While schema pain is difficult if not impossible to change, our relationship to the schema can change dramatically (Little girl on bus) It means shifting the way we relate to the thoughts and feeling related to our schemas by increased willingness and acceptance of schema driven affect and creating distance from schema driven thoughts and stories. Identifying and naming the schema is a form of diffusion. Provides distance and makes it less believable. It explains the schema as a story about the world learned in childhood, one that may be less of a fit for the larger multifaceted world of adults. And it reconciles schema pain as a by product of that story, something connected to a thoughts rather than reality.

Question 20

What is the advantage of putting ACT and schemas together

Answer 20

Negative interpersonal schemas are part of the basic weave of human consciousness, an inevitable part of living and relating. `they get activated by threats, conflicts and unmet needs. The purpose is not to change or challenge the veracity of schema driven thoughts and emotions but rather to help identify schema driven thoughts and emotions when they arise, see the maladaptive a avoidance behaviors and use ACT processes to support alternative value driven processes.

1. Identifying these larger themes and patterns helps partners observe schema driven thoughts and emotions but not act on them. The goal is to develop behavioral flexibility in the face of pain. We can have a more diffused and mindful look at our own behaviour.
2. Schema driven pain drives partners into pain avoidance strategies and ACT therapy It helps distinguish primary, unavoidable pain- from secondary-available pain caused by maladaptive avoidance behaviors that cause alienation, hurt, relational despair, loss of intimacy, aloneness, and hostility.
3. It clearly establishes a focus for treatment, The ACT processes of mindfulness, exposure and acceptance all target the avoidance of primary pain-schema driven thoughts and affect, - as opposed to secondary pain-the hurt alienation and hostility that result from maladaptive avoidance (SCB) . The reason is that schema driven thoughts and affect are a major barrier to value based interpersonal behavior, When couples move toward values this schema pain is inevitably triggered. Consequently the thrust of couples therapy must be to face rather than run away from these old unavoidable thoughts and feelings.
4. Helps clinician better recognize and describe the avoidance behaviours as they occur in session. The process of identifying these avoidance behaviors helps better ID these interpersonal processes and gives clinician the language to describe them. A schema formulation can help the clinician identify which avoidant behaviors are likely to arise, given that certain schemas tend to have common coping responses. For E.G. partners with mistrust/abuse schemas tend to behave accusationally, with self sacrifice schemas tend to give in or surrender, with entitlement schemas tend to get angry and make unilateral decisions.

Question 21

What role do SCB play in maintaining the cycle of mutual activation of schemas and each partners response.

Answer 21

Schema Coping behaviors (SCB) are aversive, reduce mutual reinforcement, reduce the ability to problem solve, and are toxic to relationships, SCB, by using strategies that are hurtful, manipulative, are designed to pressure a partner to stop schema triggering behavior,. The negative experiences increase between partners, the relationship is less positively reinforcing and yields fewer agreements, the result increased conflict, discord, and couple pathology.