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No More Mr. Nice Guy > 1. The Nice Guy Syndrome > Flashcards

1. The Nice Guy Syndrome Flashcards

1
Q

The Nice Guy Syndrome is…

A

…the belief that if the Nice Guy is “good” and do everything “right”, he will be loved, get his needs met, and have a problem-free life.

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2
Q

The Nice Guy attempt to be “good” typically involves trying to…

A
  • Eliminate or hide certain things about himself (his mistakes, needs, emotions).
  • Become what he believes others want him to be (generous, helpful, peaceful, etc.).
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3
Q

Nice Guys are:

A. Selfish.
B. Givers.
C. Not interested in money.

A

B. Givers.

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4
Q

Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others.

A. True.
B. False.

A

A. True

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5
Q

Nice Guys believe their generosity…

A
  • Is a sign of how good they are.

- Will make other people love and appreciate them.

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6
Q

What of the following is true about Nice Guys?

A. Nice Guys are caring.
B. Nice Guys ask for help.
C. Nice Guys fix and caretake.

A

C. Nice Guys fix and caretake

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7
Q

Nice Guys will attempt to solve or fix the problems of others…

A. Usually without being asked.
B. Nice Guys will never try to fix the problems of others.
C. Only if asked.

A

A. Usually without being asked.

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8
Q 
Nice Guys:
A. Express their feelings. 
B. Always have problems with drugs. 
C. Seek aproval from others. 
D. All of the above.
A

C. Seek aproval from others.

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9
Q

Everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculated to gain someone’s __________ or avoid __________. This is especially true in their relationships with __________.

A

Approval / disapproval / women

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10
Q

Nice Guys ______. Nice Guys seek to keep their world ______. To do this, they avoid doing things that might ______ or ______.

A

Avoid conflict
Smooth
Rock the boat
Upset anyone

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11
Q

Nice Guys believe they must ____ their perceived ____.

A

Hide

Flaws and mistakes

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12
Q

Nice Guys seek ____ to do things.

A

The “right” way

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13
Q

Nice Guys:

A. Believe there’s a key to having a happy, problem-free life.
B. Are convinced that if they can only figure out the right way to do everything, nothing should ever go wrong.
C. Repress their feelings.
D. None of the above.
E. A, B and C are true.
F. Only A and B are true.

A

E. A, B and C are true.

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14
Q

Nice Guys tend to ____ rather than feel.

A

Analyze

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15
Q

Nice Guys may see feelings as ____. They frequently try to keep their feelings ____.

A

A waste of time

On an even keel

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16
Q

Nice Guys often try to ____ their fathers.

A

Be different from

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17
Q

Nice Guys are often more confortable:

a) relating to men than to women
b) when they express their feelings
c) making their needs a priority.
d) relating to women than to men.

A

d) relating to women than to men.

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18
Q

Due to their ____, many Nice Guys have ____ male friends.

A

Childhood conditioning / Few

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19
Q

Nice Guys frequently ____ women and convince themselves they ____ other men.

A

seek the approval of / are different from

20
Q

Nice Guys like to believe they are not ____ — traits they link to “other” men.

A

selfish, angry or abusive

21
Q

Nice Guys ____ making their needs a priority.

a) are comfortable.
b) have difficulty.
c) none of the above.

A

b) have difficulty.

22
Q

Nice Guys often feel that it is ____ to put their needs first.

A

Selfish

23
Q

Nice Guys believe it is a virtue to…

A

put others’ needs ahead of their own.

24
Q

Nice Guys often ____ their emotional center

A

make their partner

25
Q

Many Nice Guys report they are only happy if ____.

A

their partner is happy

26
Q

Nice Guys will often ____ on their intimate relationships.

A

focus tremendous energy

27
Q

Characteristics of Nice Guys. Tell characteristics 1 to 4

A 
Nice Guys:
1 are givers
2 fix and caretake
3 seek approval from others
4 avoid conflict
28
Q

What are the not-so-nice traits of Nice Guys 1 to 4

A 
Nice Guys:
1 are dishonest
2 are secretive
3 are compartimentalized
4 are manipulative
29
Q

Charasteristics 5 to 8 of Nice Guys

A

Nice Guys:
5 believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes
6 seek the “right” way to do things
7 repress their feelings
8 often try to be different fron their fathers

30
Q

Characteristics 9 to 11 of Nice Guys

A

Nice Guys:
9 are often more comfortable relating to women than to men
10 have difficulty making their needs a priority
11 often make their partner their emotional center

31
Q

Not so nice traits of Nice Guys 5 to 8

A

5 are controlling
6 give to get
7 are passive-agressive
8 are full of rage

32
Q

Not so nice traits of nice guys 9 to 12

A 
Nice Guys:
9 are addictive
10 have difficulties setting boundaries
11 are frequently isolated
12 are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing
33
Q

Not so nice traits of nice guys 13 to 15

A

Nice Guys:
13 frequently have problems in intimate relationships
14 have issues with sexuality
15 are usually relatively successful

34
Q

Nice guys tend to swing back and forth between …

A

being nice and not-so-nice

35
Q

The process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns doesn’t involve becoming “____”. Rather, it means becoming “____”.

A

not nice / integrated

36
Q

Being integrated means…

A

being able to accept all aspects of one’s self

37
Q

An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him uniquely male:

A 
power
assertiveness
courage
passion
imperfections
mistakes
dark side
38
Q

List attributes 1 to 4 of the integrated male

A
  1. He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is.
  2. He takes responsability for getting his own needs met.
  3. He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality.
  4. He has integrity. He does what is right, not expedient.
39
Q

List attributes 5 to 8 of the integrated male

A
  1. He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.
  2. He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings.
  3. He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.
  4. He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.
40
Q

The Ineffective Nice Guy Paradigm

A
  • IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be
  • THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.
41
Q

Nice Guys only see an alternative when his Paradigm of Life proves inefficient, and this alternative is …

A

Try harder

42
Q

When Nice Guys decide to make change, interesting things begin to happen. Tell 1 to 4.

A

These men:

  1. Accept themselves just as they are.
  2. Use their mistakes as valuable learning tools.
  3. Stop seeking approval of others.
  4. Experience loving and intimate relationships.
43
Q

When Nice Guys decide to make change, interesting things begin to happen. Tell 5 to 8.

A

These men:

  1. Make their needs a priority.
  2. Find people who are able and willing to help them meet their needs.
  3. Learn to give judiciously, with no strings attached.
  4. Face their fears.
44
Q

When Nice Guys decide to make change, interesting things begin to happen. Tell 9 to 12.

A

These men:

  1. Develop integrity and honesty.
  2. Set boundaries.
  3. Build meaningful relationships with men.
  4. Create healthier, more satisfying relationships with women.
45
Q

When Nice Guys decide to make change, interesting things begin to happen. Tell 13 to 16.

A

These men:

  1. Experience and express their feelings.
  2. Deal with problems directly.
  3. Develop an intimate and satisfying sexual relationship.
  4. Find peace with the changing complexities of life.

No More Mr. Nice Guy (2 decks)

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